*Getting rid of our negative emotions*




Everyone gets negative emotions. Do you know why that happens? 




We are in the middle of a party having fun. Suddenly, some guy comes and steps on your foot, or someone makes fun of you. It triggers negative emotions, and your mood changes. You become angry or frustrated and then leave the party. 




When you are in a meeting at the office, you suddenly become frustrated because the team says that they can't meet the commitment. You become angry at them and say something you will regret later. 




What is happening here? It's not normal for you to behave in this way, but you do it. What triggers this kind of behaviour? 




We create our beliefs and learn about our emotions at a very early age. Have you seen a baby show various emotions like laughter, sadness, anger, fear etc.? 




Our mind stores all the past unfriendly events and keeps a log. When a similar event happens, it tags them together. This is the reason why we get triggered. 




To get rid of our negative emotional triggers, we need to revisit our past in a safe environment, understand why we had them, and look for the learnings for each of the past events. 




Our mind has the capacity and the capability to change the meaning of such events and take the learnings for the future. 




Focus on our present moment, moving forward towards the future, with taking the lessons from the past is critical for us. 




Another reason is that the events are not aligned with our values and beliefs. If there is a conflict, then we need to understand the reason for the same. 




So what can you do:

* Practice Gratitude. Be thankful for all the good and bad experiences in life. They are there because of your choices and decisions. They will help you become strong. 

* Practice being aware of your emotions in the present moment. That will automatically help you control them.

* Practice meditation and mindfulness. It will help you understand your emotions and their purpose. 

* Practice focusing on your values. It is to keep you aligned towards what you want in life. 




Having negative emotions isn't a bad thing. It helps us understand what we don't want in life. 




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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/




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*Being Alive*

We are living in a very different world today.

Who would have imagined that a tiny organism, one that we can't either see, hear or feel, would govern how we think and act.

Living in fear of a disease that could potentially wipe out humanity has changed our mindset and behaviours.

For some of us, the focus has turned inwards. We have changed our daily routines and habits. We are taking more precautions and are more careful of our health and hygiene.

There still others who are wondering why we have been forced to change. There is resistance to this new normal. They keep thinking that it's a fad and that people are being fed with misinformation.

In either case, the certainty of change exists. Our world is now different, and we have to acknowledge it. We have to accept that things won’t go back to the way they were a few years ago.

The best quality of human beings is our ability to adapt and condition our mindset and thinking in new ways.

Each one of us has a unique moral compass. However, it is also true that our morality comes from our values, beliefs, good or bad experiences in life. We all know the difference between right and wrong.

What if we could all think positively about this current situation?

What if positive thinking meant that we need to think not only about good things but also about what is “right” for you, me and everybody we know?

What if we could stop living in fear and anxiety for one day and celebrate our lives today? What if we could live our life to the fullest today, loving, caring and doing things we most desire?

It's a known fact that the emotion of fear and anxiety can only be overcome by love and affection.

Can we possibly focus on living happily today? Despite all the fears, accepting today's reality, acknowledging that our loved ones may not be at 100%, can we think of how we could love, care, share and live for one day?

Would it possible for us to stop complaining and stop comparing our happiness to others?

What can you do:

- Practice Gratitude. Let's be thankful for each day. Let's be grateful for our mind, body, families, friends, our home and our neighbourhood.

- Practice living each day to the fullest.

- Practice love instead of fear

- Practice caring and sharing instead of being anxious and afraid of future

_We live each day assuming that we have a lot of time. Perhaps being alive means that we live, love, care and share._

So, how are you going to be alive today?

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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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Have you been in an emotionally intense situation?

Was there a time when you were overwhelmed by what you see, hear and feel?

E.g.

You are watching a movie, and there is an intensely emotional scene. You try hard, but you can't stop your tears?

At work, you are very upset with a colleague who did not deliver work as agreed.

Having and feeling emotions is good. It only makes us human.

The challenge becomes when we go too deep into them. It becomes a problem when we are unable to control our emotional reactions. This is the state of being Associated.

When we are associated, our physiology goes into an automatic state; we think and act emotionally and regret mistakes later.

Have you done something like this in your past?

On the contrary, when we are dissociated, we act rationally. We understand our feelings and are more relaxed and calm. Our responses are more thorough, and we know the consequences of our actions. We tend to make fewer mistakes and take responsibility.

There are several ways to switch from an Associated to Dissociated state.

One useful technique that works every time is to imagine yourself having these emotions from a distance of 10 meters.

For people who won't have fear of heights, imagine you were observing yourself from a helicopter or a 10th floor balcony of a building.

It's a known fact that observation changes behaviour. So, just by observing ourselves from a distance, we can quickly dissociate from our emotional reactions.

So what can you do :

- Practice gratitude. Be thankful for your emotions and feelings. They make us human

- Practice meditation and mindfulness to understand your emotions

- Practice relaxation and calm by trialling various techniques that keep you dissociated

- Practice learning from your emotions and knowing when they are not helping you.

_Emotions are the conduit for understanding our morality. Knowing when to associate and when to dissociate with them can make a big difference in how we pursue success._

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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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The Language of Agreements

Do you have agreements often?

Can you remember the last time you had a conflict of opinions with someone at home or work?

As you remember that specific time, how detailed was your conversation?

What kind of emotions was present?

In every conversation, there is always a concept of Context.

In what context are we have having the discussion, or what context is the conflict related to.

In the heat of the moment, we don’t realise that we are going into too many details.

We don't realise that we are imposing our model of the world on others.

Not everyone thinks as we do. So, in this situation, what is the best outcome we can have.

The Language of Agreements, as I call it, comes from the Linguistic concept of Hierarchy of Ideas.

It's a known fact that when as human beings, our core values are similar. E.g. We all yearn for Love, Security, Respect and Trust.

When we reflect on these values in our conversations, we generally tend to relax and focus on the bigger picture. We are aligned to the higher purpose.

We begin to understand the other person's model of the world. The discussions become ecological and there is win-win for everyone involved.

We also realise that the negative emotions go away.

So what can we do:

- Practice gratitude. Be thankful for the people in your lives.

- Practice understanding your values

- Understand that everyone is doing their best behaviour in the current conditions

- Practice being in the present moment and being aware of your emotions.

- If the emotions are negative in a conversation, practice abstracting to the level of your values.

We all can have a great conversation. The quality depends on the level of abstraction and win-win for everyone involved.

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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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Do you remember the last time you were in conversation with a friend? As you remember a specific discussion, did you interrupt them and guess what they were going to say? 


Why do we make assumptions? Why do we think that we know what's on the other person's mind? Why do we believe that their thoughts are the same as what we believe? 


A common reason is that we listen to validate our thoughts and actions. We fail to understand that their model of the world and their perception of reality could be different. 


We have around 60,000 thoughts in a day. Imagine if all of them did not make sense? Wouldn't that make us insane? So, for us to manage the next upcoming thought, it needs to make sense. Unconsciously, we have this rush to be correct and move on to the next. 


Hence, we start filling the gaps in our understanding by interrupting and validating what the other person is saying. When this happens, the other person also feels the need to complete their statements. Usually, the result is that either you or the other person feels ignored or neglected. 

One way to handle this is to acknowledge that we don't have all the answers. We should respect the other person's model of the world. We should give them a chance to finish. 


Being curious and listening to understand is very important as it helps build trust, social connection and rapport. 


So what can you do:

* Practice gratitude. Be thankful for the various people in your life sharing their experiences. 

* Practice listening to "understand". Asking questions to validate your understanding is more ecological. 

* When you are in a conversation, practice waiting for the other person to finish.

* Practice understanding why you have this need to validate? What would happen if you did not have to validate. 

_We don't have to be right every time. The most important thing is to be understood._


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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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Have you been in a situation where you were so focused on a particular event in your life that you completely forgot about everything else? 




Has it ever occurred to you that empathising with someone else could also get you the results you want? 




What if the failures you have had were giving you a kind of feedback that you could take into your next successful venture? 




How about that time when you felt that something was impossible until someone else made it happen?




Understanding our mindset and self-talk under challenging situations can be the difference between success and failure. 




When we face a difficult challenge, we ask ourselves if we are moving towards our goal or away from it. 

E.g. What do I want? What's my end goal? What resources are available? 

Or

What is wrong? Why is it a problem? What caused it? 




Thinking about our actions as feedback or failure can be vital in determining our success. 




If we regularly think about feedback, we will ask questions like 

What did I learn? What's the next thing to improve? There is an unconscious belief that "Everyone wants me to succeed."

 

On the contrary, if we focus on problems, we might ask, " Why did I lose?" "Am I a failure?". We could have an unconscious belief that "No one wants me to succeed".




Lastly, when dealing with problems, if we think of them as possibilities, we would have a mindset that focuses on learning and growth. We would habitually ask questions like, "What else can I do?", "What are my options?", "What will get me results?". 




On the flip side, If we think about the "impossible", we would potentially ask questions such as, "Is this even worth my effort?", "Am I wasting my time?". We will fear change and want to maintain the status quo or remain ignorant. 




Looking back at our Six facets, "Outcomes vs. Problems", "Feedback vs. Failure", and "Possibilities vs. Impossibilities", we all have been in situations where we have had one kind of thinking or another. 




We always respond the best way we think. There isn't a right or wrong. We have to ensure that whatever we choose, our focus needs to be towards the future. 




So what can we do:

* Practice Gratitude. Be thankful for the problems and adversity in your life. They are there to help you grow.

* Practice understanding your mindset and believe that you can change

* Have the courage to challenge your thinking and try to do something uncomfortable each day. 

* Practice understanding your emotions via meditation and mindfulness. 

We can only focus on the future by thinking about future possibilities. Past is always there for lessons. 

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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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Understanding why we limit ourselves

Do you remember the time when you felt invincible?


Do you remember the confidence and mindset you had to achieve what you wanted? 


What kind of energy and emotions was present? 


When you think about your current state and your lack of results, why doesn't your mindset remain the same? 


Why does it feel that we got lucky the last time, or it was a different time? 


The meaning of life is to be challenged. We only learn and grow when we are uncomfortable. Imagine reading a book where every chapter said, "everything is fine", "everyone is happy".


Would you continue to read it? Imagine a movie where there was no drama? Would you like to watch it? 


Our mind is wired for a life of drama and difficulties. We can think of unlimited opportunities and endless possibilities. Similarly, we can think of countless challenges and downbeat endings. 


If we have the ability to succeed but blame external circumstances and lack of opportunities, we can quickly lose hope. This feeling of hopelessness can pull us down. 


If we believe success is possible but doubt our abilities, we don't focus on learning from our experiences. We feel we are not good enough and feel helpless. 


Some of us have had such experiences that we believe we don't deserve to be successful. It's a dangerous place to be. We know in our heart and minds how to achieve success but feel unworthy. Feelings of being fake, not belonging and accepting the current situation of pain/suffering are prevalent.


What if you could change all this? What if you did not have to limit yourself? What if you could imagine abundance and prosperity in your lives the way you wanted? Wouldn't that be wonderful? 


The first step is to understand that the challenges and difficulties are the Universe's way of helping us get better than who we are now. Focusing on what is in your control and influence is next. If we can focus our language and self-talk on thinking "what we want" instead of "what we don't want", it will make all the difference. 


So what can we do:

* Practice Gratitude. Be thankful for all the challenging times in your life. They have made you stronger.

* Practice understanding your thoughts of negativity. What positive purpose do they serve? 

* Practice listing at least one thing you learned from your difficulties each day

* Practice meditation and mindfulness so that you can understand your thoughts and emotions

Our actions and results drive our beliefs about ourselves. Our results only happen when we take action and focus on learning from each experience. 

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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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Creating Goodwill

Do you remember that time when someone helped you in your time of need? Did you feel lucky and blessed? What kind of feelings was present? How did you thank them? Do you remember that person often?


Have you helped someone in their time of need? How did you feel about it? Is it easy for you to remember that specific instance? 


Have you noticed a warm feeling of thankfulness and goodwill emerging inside you in both the above cases? Don't you want this feeling to happen again and again? 


We all crave social connection, and at a higher level, we need attachment and bonding. When someone helps us, our core values of love and security are met. It gives us satisfaction and happiness and generates fulfilment. 


Our values are also something we exhibit. We unconsciously find ways to reciprocate the same feelings of love and security by helping others. When an opportunity presents itself, we go ahead and support people in need. 


Creating goodwill is a human value. It is something that happens when we have a desire to serve. We become more significant than ourselves. We forget our egos, become selfless and give support and hope to people in need. 


One can genuinely help and support another with complete dedication and positive motivation only when they are unselfish. They don't wish for anything in return and only want happiness for the other.  


Have you known people to whom you can always go for help; people whom you trust; people who will not judge you? Don't you wish you can be like them? 


Some people unconsciously create goodwill while others have to practice it. It comes when you genuinely become interested and curious about helping others in need. People don't want you to judge them because of their problems. Sometimes, just listening and understanding their situation is enough. 


So what can you do:

* Practice Gratitude. Be thankful for all the people who were there for you in your difficult times. 

* Practice helping others. It can be as simple as a phone call to a friend.

* Practice understanding your emotions in times of need. When you get help, how happy and satisfied you are. Can you create the same feelings for someone else?

* Practice active listening.


When we create goodwill, the world will become a better place. There is also a famous saying about this subject, "People will forget what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel". 

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Chander Shankar

NLP Coach and Mentor

Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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Common Sense vs. Common Practice 

Do you believe in common sense? 


Do you see people practice it often? 

Do you feel that sometimes people should be doing one thing, but they do precisely the opposite? 

E.g. We all know the importance of exercise and fitness in our lives. It is common sense. But, we ignore common sense and keep sleeping and being lazy. 


Another example can be at work. We know that we should listen more and say less in meetings when we do not have all the answers. It is common sense. But, to show our usefulness and value, we start talking more and listen less. We do precisely the opposite of common sense. 

Why do you think it happens? In critical moments, common sense leaves us. 

We are living in the age of competition. Everyone is competing against one another. We constantly compare our lives to others and compete to get better. 

In this rush to get better, we forget the most important thing. We ignore that we have all the resources we need to succeed. We make-believe that we are less significant and less valuable than others. 

Without thinking through the consequences of our actions, we jump in and volunteer to provide help and support where it isn't required. In our race to be better and be number one, we lose common sense and make mistakes. 

Another reason is our understanding of time. When we procrastinate and let things wait, we think we have a lot of time. On the other hand, when we rush to do things without thinking about consequences, we believe we don't have much time.

The concept of time is only in our minds. We live our past experiences in the NOW and also foresee possible futures in the NOW. 

The only thing we have in our control is our actions in the present moment. The results of our efforts are beyond our control. We have to understand that even though our intentions may be right unless we think through the long term and short term consequences, our common sense may not become a common practice every time. 

So what can we do:

* Practice gratitude. Be thankful for your experiences and believe in yourself. 

* Practice thinking about the long-term and short-term consequences of all the decisions you make. 

* Practice focusing on win-win for all. Competing is good if it helps you improve your knowledge, skills and experience. 

* Practice directing your emotions towards your goals. If you feel a sudden need to make decisions, practice asking the purpose of that need. 

Common sense can become common practice if it is always about win-win and understanding the short-term and long-term consequences. 


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Chander Shankar

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Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/




New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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Why is focus important?

Do you have many things to do today?

Can you multi-task effectively?

How can you manage so many activities in your mind without the extra pressure of not completely half of them?

When some of these activities complete, do you feel relieved?

In today's modern era, we have been made to believe that everyone should do many things at once.

We see in movies and watch people do amazing things on the internet with their limited time.

The constant information overload causes us to compare our lives with people whom we don't even know.

We increase our wishes and desires. We start many things at once and later realise that we are different. We have limited capacity and limited ability to accomplish everything we see.

It could be because of our lack of knowledge, skills and experience. It can be because of our current environment.

To maintain a balance in life, Focusing on what we want is the most important thing. We have to understand that we have everything we need to get everything we want.

We have all the resources. We need to become resourceful. We have to start prioritising our needs such that we get things completed. We have to let go of things that are less important and less likely to be finished.

This way, the negative emotions of shame, guilt, anger and frustration will not creep in.

Once we do that, we will have more energy and can utilise that to achieve our goals. We will have more space in our mind for creativity and motivation to finish what we start.

So what can you do:

- Practice gratitude. Be thankful for what you have in life.

- Be grateful for your knowledge, skills and experience you have gained over the years

- Practice prioritising your daily tasks so that you can finish what you begin

- For every job, look for the positive emotions it gives you while you're doing it. Relate your need with the job and imagine success.

Motivation is not the driver for our work. Instead, it's the outcome. It comes after you are already doing and completing the work you have started.

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Chander Shankar

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Enkindle and Empower Pty Ltd

http://www.enkindleandempower.com/

New messages shared every day by 8 AM Sydney Time.

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