David's been kicked out of his kingdom by his son and returns to the wilderness. Luckily his son seems to have really bad advisors.

We get some crazy propaganda. As always.

And the feud between David and his son is resolved. David definitely had nothing to do with it.

This is our last episode for about a month and a half and I'm just ready to be done with this episode description. But Happy Thanksgiving! Unless you're Native American, then we're sorry. And Yo Saturnalia! 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Ugh uhhh ugh. Ughg ghgggh uggghhh ughg guhg. Ugh ghhhgh ugh God ughg. Ugh ugh ghgugh ugh bible bullshit.

Ughg ugh uhghghg ghg ugh. Ugh gugh ugh David. Ugh ugh ghgugh fucked up rich kids.

Ughghghg ugh ghughg ugh runs like a wuss. Ugh gghgu ugh gugh incest rape. Ugh ghgh uguhg the speaker of the national house of representatives gets his moral guidance from this book.

Ugh. Just fucking ugh.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Welp, talk about a roller coaster. We start with David getting God's promise to have a descendant on the throne forever (fingers likely crossed), to adultery, murder and divine infanticide. But dudes in dresses reading children's books, that's the problem?

It's the story of Bathsheba. And by the story of Bathsheba, I mean she was present for some events that David was pretty much doing. 

Finally, we discover, yet again, that the God of the bible has no problem with abortion. 

Queue up the Leonard Cohen, and sink your ear teeth into our podcast cake.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal.  I won't spoil anything but he dies and David becomes king of the entire land of Israel and Judah. 

 We start really getting into 1 Chronicles and talk about where the book came from and the differences with the books of Samuel and Kings.

We find out that David really can't stand the blind and lame. Therefore, he wants his people to attack the Jebusites by climbing up a well. That's the kind of reasoning the bible contains.

David gets jiggy wit it big Willie style. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed". 

And actually immediately we start with a completely different version of how Saul died. Which kicks off the bullshit parade of David being absolutely perfect and having no malice for his enemies who just happen to keep dropping dead as soon as he leaves the room.

It turns out Saul had another son who didn't die on the battle field, named Ishbaal. We start seeing Ishbaal wasn't really the fighting type, at least as far as the writer wants us to think. But while David is crowned king of the southern kingdom of Judah, Ishbaal is crowned king of the the northern kingdom of Israel.

But it doesn't take long for Abner, Saul's commander, to turn on Ishbaal. Which works out great for him. Also, David demands to have his first wife, Ishbaal's sister, returned to his possession and she is, much to her current husband's lament. 

Toodles!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. 

This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.

We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up. 

Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.

It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions.

Have you ever had a baby give you menacing grimace? Has an ex-lover given you a chilling side-eye? Have you ever been some where in public and possibly had someone look at you even without your knowledge? THEN YOU MAY BE CURSED! But don't worry. I have a charm to sell you that can take it away. It's called a Hamsa Hand and it blocks the Evil Eye.

This superstition soaked into the Jewish, Christian, Islam, Hindu and pagan religious beliefs. Where did it come from and why is everyone so scared of it? 

No really, I'm asking. Because we don't know.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own book.

David's town gets raided but luckily the raiders are much better people than David is. They leave all the women and children alive when they take them. Then David shows up to take them back and kills all of their people. But at least he's not a dick to the folks watching the purses while they're gone!

And Saul comes to a tragic end in battle. Weirdly he dies in battle with the people David has been hanging out with for a while. Hmmm...

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it called? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?

Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. 

Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. 

See how annoying it is when stories repeat?

Also, Samuel dies. Like the guy who the book is named after. But let's not dwell on that.

And Lindsay insists that women are not fruit. Josh is dubious. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

BREAKING NEWS: Saul sours on short sultry servant, David!

See! I could have written headlines during bible times. 

Talk about a short honeymoon period. David gets done killing Goliath and immediately some school girls come up with a jump rope song about David killing more people than Saul. So Saul gets all agro and starts throwing spears around willy nilly.

Meanwhile, David finds love with Saul's son, Jonathan. Unfortunately, Jonathan seems like he must be prettier than he is smart. He comes up with convoluted ways to determine if his dad (who is actively throwing spears at David) is mad at David. 

So weird, but hey, no one's in-laws are perfect, right?

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists