and the paper on memes talked about how there are memes that need to modify their environment in order to survive and I feel like in a beautiful environment those memes would survive better so if somebody is having sort of altruistic and and spiritual means come through them and they're in a beautiful place that's going to be more sustainable than say if one's walking down the most poverty-stricken street in their City and I also feel those sorts of memes are going to alter the environment and that's what I talked about with the neuro tribe of bipolar is that it's actually trying to change the environment to actually have one be able to sustain those perceptions and I feel like one of the most fundamental things about the whole process is that it's trying to restore us to learning the whole process of bipolar is a learning process for sure and we usually learn about in terms of illness and then I think that actually collapses the infinite unfolding learning process that it's supposed to be because it's then oh I'm this person with this mental illness and these are my symptoms instead of it's just all unfolding and constantly learning and new insights and perceptions all the time and I wrote down that there's no separate person with a mental illness the fact that we think we're separate people is the mental illness the ego is an illness and the supposed mental illness comes in and breaks up the ego structure which appears as mental illness and I think I wrote down bipolars are like entropy it's an increase in randomness but I think this is for the arising of a different order it's taking that linear ego structure and breaking it up and because of that we have access to more information because that ego state actually wastes energy because its processing old information which is like not processing anything at all so when that breaks down we start to process more information because it's not in the way anymore we have access to more information and a lot of times when it's related to the ego that's when like past karma or this life karma comes up or the collective unconscious because we probably were supposed to sort of be accessing and unfolding that with that all the time throughout her life but it built up because the ego structure blocked that energy from actually flowing and I was even watching a video on flow again and they talked about how they find it so fascinating that the brain actually is less active in flow and that's again because all of this activity is a bunch of energy being wasted so when the brain is less active the energy is kind of flowing through the brain and it's more powerful to have energy flowing through instead of bouncing around in the prefrontal cortex doing all these things that are supposedly higher levels of function in the brain when those higher levels of function have been hijacked and are wasting our energy instead of just using it when need be to calculate how to get from A to B it's talking about old memories and things and so we're not actually in the present moment and they talked about flow how it's all about being in the present moment well one doesn't have to do extreme sports in order to be in the present moment that's why people are meditating and all this stuff in order to get into the present moment so the thing that we actually tout the highest our prefrontal cortex and all of its musings is the thing that gets in the way and is in the way of us actually being present and all that stuff is actually the ego stuff and that's the stuff we try to band-aid back up which is this ego dopamine complex happening when the process of map consciousness and trans consciousness is trying to break that down so the energy can flow through and then when the Energy starts flowing through because it's breaking down this ego process is still trying to make associations and abstractions and yet there's more energy and information coming through so it's infinitely confusing I like what Alan Watts says which as you are what the entire universe is doing at this point in space-time and with this access to all this information we realize that the whole universe is folded up in us we are the entire universe what it's doing at this point in space-time and I talked about before perhaps how we share the entire universe except for our bodies physically but everything else all the energy and everything we all share it were all bathed in it we're all walking through it so we're actually all very much exactly the same except for our bodies which is a convenient way for us to interact with each other it's like the universe interacting with itself I was thinking about learning and how learning is naturally rewarding without seeking a reward so rewarding is sort of an iffy term to use but we're usually seeking some kind of reward in terms of pleasure but when we're actually learning the learning in itself is rewarding and yet there's no reward but the learning and I was thinking that the reward might be new neural circuits when we're abstracting and we have the ego process going of thought it's old and it's boring so then we naturally have to always be looking for some kind of reward instead of actually learning moment to moment which is a naturally rewarding thing it's naturally rewarding to children to learn they don't need a cookie every time they learn the most mundane thing so I feel like because we've stopped learning we start earning we start looking for rewards through money through dopamine and learning requires perception it requires being able to see and it's difficult to see if we have all this me on our mind screen the me can't learn it can only accumulate new bits to itself which only strengthens the me which blocks learning and so perception as seeing as is gives us energy and I feel like that energy probably goes towards creating new brain circuits and that's why in bipolar it's like this hyper learning state it's this very energetic state and that energy is trying to create new neural circuits to create these new neural pathways for us to actually live and see and perceive and experience and be in a different reality and the ego makes us immune to this learning process and then we need all these rewards and pleasures and this perception seeing in a new way is actually the energy required to rewire the brain I was also thinking of map consciousness and trans consciousness as sort of a wisdom tradition it's like this new way of being and there's like this whole philosophy around it and there's this whole context around it that needs to be unfolded this whole context of being part of this neuro tribe as opposed to just having the context of me with my mental illness by being in society there needs to be a me with a mental illness because that's how society understands it whereas if one is part of the neural tribe one moves towards actually creating other dimensions of society that are more specific to that way of perceiving and being instead of saying I'm going to remain in society with my mental illness I'm going to create outside of society so then I don't actually experience it myself as being mentally ill because I'm not bumping up against these things that are basically against my neurology people use the term that's against my religion well it could be that's against my neurology and another things we don't realize that we are a source of information for ourselves by reading reality and we can actually grow our brain our brain can be a seed of the mind and we can grow our brain to be in alignment with the collective mind and I feel like thinking about oneself is misusing thinking because thinking is actually part of being able to communicate insight which is seeing and understanding something new and so one might see and understand something holistically in a flash but then it takes supposed thinking to unfold that and speak it out and communicate it out so we can create new memes that's the endo mimetics and the epi memetics and when we do that we create new neurology and we create new genes as well and it's not about believing but seeing for oneself an ego might need to believe something but when the learning process is activated one can see things for oneself and there's no belief required I feel like it's important to unfold one's own meaning and self dialogue and eventually dialogue otherwise we're closed loops and when we're closed loops our energies not available for the greater system of humanity for human consciousness it's almost like that neuro tribe is not part of the conversation and then by having all these closed loops one isn't unfolding context for the greater complexity of humanity and so it makes sense that some of those closed loops would go towards randomness and entropy in order to actually maximize complexity of the system because systems have to move towards maximum complexity and if everybody is more machine like in robotic and just going about their little habitual things that is not maximizing complexity so some ego habit structures break down and then they're they're changing the dynamic of the system but then people who are in the ecosystem trained as professionals try to get people back into this little system of habit and the process of map consciousness is trying to connect us as human beings in dialogue we've been turned into bio machines when we're supposed to be dynamic learners information processors on folders the ego consciousness is sort of like if we had a space probe that could go throughout the universe infinitely the Eco equivalent would be like sending the probe to Saturn and then just getting it to go around Saturn for y'all eternity in a loop and then we start to think that the only thing out there is Saturn and that the space probe is Saturn whereas it could go anywhere and so in a way by being stuck in habit it's like just being a probe that could go anywhere but really just staying in a very very limited loop and we need to see things on our clear mind screen perception with a clear line screen one of the things that gets in the way is TV on media because it pollutes our mind screen it's not clear and it's having all those lower energies resonate on our mind screen so we can't actually perceive anything above the collective level of consciousness of the media and the TV and the entertainment that we consume that could be one of the ways that travel actually allows some people to go into other states of consciousness is that they are not really consuming media stuff so the mine screen releases some of its allostatic load so the ego is a false equilibrium if I have any goal with this besides my own self dialogue and unfolding context it would be to restore the brain to learning because otherwise one just clings on to some facts that seem believable and then holds on to that when really if one is able to restore one's brain to learning one will see one's own facts unfolding infinitely and learning that way versus learning from what other people are saying so nothing I say is to be believed I don't even believe any of it I'd forget most of it after I say it doesn't really have any value and last one sees it for oneself and I think that's what I've learned through this process so far is that the brain can just keep learning without accumulating and that's the thing when the brain is always in a state of learning whatever one encounters one will be able to see clearly and understand so there's always that that security in that self-sufficiency and it seems that our bio mechanical energy is limited by our programming so how I move is habitual whether it's driving to work and then coming home and sitting down watching TV the way I've been programmed by habit is limiting how I move biomechanically and I think that's part of what happens in map consciousness is since those habits structures are are scrambled one has access to so many more degrees of freedom of movement because the movement has actually tied into the programming

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is still snowing here so my place is nice and quiet and it has been pretty quiet for the last number of days the snow really absorbs the noise and also slows the cars down and so many things and I realized this is sort of a video journal to myself they talk about how journaling is powerful and I've done a lot of journaling in the past but now it seems i'm doing this video self open dialogue journal and yesterday i randomly took out some of my old notebooks and i have two that I filled when I was in the psych ward in April and then I have a bunch that I wrote in the two years before that but especially in my second mania which was februari of 2015 I did a lot of writing then and afterwards and a lot of that writing from what I remember was based on my desire to come off medications so there's stuff about that and I think more like positive statements of things and then I have the stuff that i wrote the very first time i went into that state of consciousness five and a half years ago and at some point i think it would be fascinating to read through some of that but i feel i feel a little bit in in transition of some sort almost like that gesture that behavior of me taking out those old notebooks is almost saying to myself while there's something that I want to revisit and to me I think it's again partly calling me towards the fact that i would like to be off medications and and sort of living beyond the paradigm of mental illness and in a way being able to say while it served its purpose but i don't really want to participate in that anymore and I think that's why I feel conflicted in the job that I'm doing as well is that I don't want to be in the paradigm personally and I don't I'd rather put my energy towards something else like bringing ecp are here and things like that and I was thinking about how it's sort of like watching the news I don't watch the news because I find it bothersome and negative and in the same way going into that paradigm is like participating in it when it is negative and father some there's a lot of great aspects and there's a lot of great people working in it but they're given a framework to work in that is starting at such a deficit that a lot of the work that needs to be done to help somebody recover is the fact that the deficit that the paradigm itself creates so I'd rather help myself out of the paradigm and then maybe inspire other people to to do the same and it could be a little bit scary but and so the things I want to talk about to myself now I'm not sure it's like a mix of what I was talking about before and I feel like right now I have no idea what I was talking about before a bunch of contextual stuff that might be handy for myself and those insights and thoughts might actually come into my brain in the moments that I need them going forward because it could be some scary times and I've had some subtle insights lately that I could just say to myself for the sake of saying it but I haven't really unfolded what the implications are of them like I had this this insight that it's the position ality that needs medicating so as soon as I take a position ality on something for or against I've created duality like I've created me versus the other and it's that me that entity that takes a position ality that needs medicating so by going into mainstream paradigm I automatically am creating a me with a position ality because I do feel like I have a position against or it's not really against it's just I definitely feel the tension of the things that I see that I don't agree with so creates that positionality of me versus them or me versus the other and so I might be able to design a life where I don't have that sense of a position ality and if I don't have that sense of a position ality it's that me that needs the bandaid that needs medicating so by not creating a me by not putting myself in those scenarios where there is that sense of me a me that needs to defend myself even if it's just implicit if it's not an explicit thing that's happening it's sort of creating that entity which needs the medication because that entity is the position ality and the position ality is what creates stress it's like feeling that sense of self that is stressed out whereas if I don't put myself in that poisonous scenario maybe I won't have to have medication to be able to maintain that position ality if I'm just not subjecting myself to that and the position allottee feels like force whereas going with something that's just naturally in alignment with my being so I don't have to feel this pressure of myself versus other I think that's more powerful just the word recovery just makes me feel angry because to me in that process and consciousness from what I've experienced there's other faculties of what it means to naturally be human that are trying to re arise they were already there when we were young and they atrophied and if we would have continued with those lines of intelligence those natural human faculties they probably would have flowered into something even more rich and beyond what we did experience as children with those faculties so when the conditioning is starting to fail and those other faculties are starting to arise and it's confusing instead of being supported to integrate with those other intelligences we're being medicated into keeping that sort of dopamine thing that's trying to disintegrate together and then as an article I read said it causes the brain to shrink well it's because the medications prevent this other stuff from arising which is what is supposed to fill in the other circuits in the brain the dopamine part is supposed to shrink but it's stopping the other part from arising and flowering and from people connecting with that and I came across this book called on our own patient controlled alternatives to the mental health system and i think it was originally written in the early 70s and was written by judy chamberlain and i had heard her name before but i just came across this book yesterday and i didn't buy it yet i read the little bit that can be read on amazon it says in the book intro that there's a network against psychiatric assault in san francisco those are some pretty strong words but i feel what happened to me and April was like a psychiatric assault for sure and that's another reason why I'm struggling going back to work in the paradigm it could be a worthwhile read though I think it will be for me because that's what I'm interested in actually is alternatives led by people who have experienced the system and so for me my motivation is not just about coming off medication and then living my own happy life it's about coming off medication and then hopefully helping people see that it's possible that they might be able to do the same and I think it's important to also have safety that's why I have my advanced directive my zaps trap safety from the system safety from myself and that's why I want to bring ecp are here to have psychologically safe environment for people to actually be able to go through these psychologically difficult experiences to me it's like the psyche everything stored in the body is coming out and needs to be processed in order for one to actually let it go it's definitely a fascinating thing I've been talking about stuff to myself that's sort of intangible and I don't know I feel like maybe the next bit is harvesting my manias and one of them was about a lot of research and insights around getting off of medication so that could be the driving force there so maybe the next part of myself dialogue to myself will be around coming off medication or looking into what it was that I was researching about coming off medication maybe there were some insights and ideas about nutrition or different things that I forget because that was like two years ago I think too that when the healing voices movie comes out that might give me some inspiration too and when I was looking stuff up yesterday I came across the term neuro diversity again and I was talking in earlier videos about perceptual diversity and the neurodiversity term actually came from a book about autism and they talked about neuro tribes and how not only do we have gender differences and things but we have neuro tribes or as Timothy Leary would say brain casts and so it says neuro diversity is an approach to learning and disability that suggests that diverse neurological conditions appear as a result of normal variation in human in the human genome neural diversity originated in the late 1990s as a challenge to prevailing views of neurological diversity as inherently pathological instead asserting that neurological differences should be recognized and respected as a social category on par with gender ethnicity sexual orientation or disability status and this is from Wikipedia there is a neuro diversity movement which is an international civil rights movement that has the autism rights movement as its most influential sub movement this movement frames autism bipolarity and other neuro types as natural human variation rather than a pathology or disorder and its advocates reject the idea that neurological differences need to be or can be cured as they believe them to be authentic forms of human diversity self-expression and being and part of it says allow those who are neurodivergent to live their lives as they are rather than being coerced or forced to adopt uncritically accepted ideas of normality or to conform to a clinical ideal and to me it's pretty awesome because they're sort of putting autism and bipolarity etc as neurodivergent and I would actually say I would change that because to say neurodivergent like diverging from normality implicitly says that it's bad in a way i would say neuro emergent autism is emerging more and more and more and that must mean that it's necessary and people with bipolar t that's an emergent thing and I feel like they're very similar processes both I've talked about how it's sort of to shut down the prefrontal cortex by necessity because that is what is destroying the planet so not only are some of these neuro tribes different I think they're also important and emergent so i would say neuro emergent and i think with the bipolar situation these other faculties that we have as human beings are coming back online I feel like with the shutting down of the prefrontal cortex whether it's somebody emerges that way when they're born or whether somebody starts to emerge that way later on in life through say bipolar or something it's sort of like the prefrontal cortex or the ego me is the dominant linear paradigm of the brain and all our brains have that circuitry and is very dense and if you think of the collective brain of humanity if it's all in that channel it's not being diverse enough so some people are now being born with autism more and more and and bipolar later on and it's like these other neural pathways these other networks of the brain are emerging before they never thought that the brain really changed after a certain age but i think the brain is very very pliable and no plastic and that's what dr. Daniel Siegel talks about when he says the mind uses the brain to create itself well the mind is creating different brains in order for the mind to be created through brains because the mind is just being created through egocentric brains and it can't go on like that so there is a selective pressure for brains to change like that during life which goes against what we feel is true because we feel a person is their personality and it's not really so it's just a persona it's just programming so when somebody starts to act differently we think that something is wrong with them when really it's just the fact that the brain can change and it's not really there's no solid me in there anywhere there's no real test for mental illness because the thing that is becoming ill isn't a thing at all it's the ego structure and it's just a structure of words and thoughts it's there's no reality to it at all and then it starts to break down and we think oh my gosh like what's happening to the person 1 it's the falseness that's falling away for something more true to flower in its place and I think the interesting thing about this brain change that happens whether it's in a person that goes through a supposed bipolar process or whether it's a child that's going through an autism process I think for those other circuits to come online it takes a lot of love and understanding and the interesting thing is that when one goes at least in the bipolar process I feel that one connects with love and understanding and all those things but then it actually takes the love and understanding of others to allow it to to grow because when it when it's breaking down when the ego is breaking down it can be kind of chaotic and if it's met with fear and then medication then that's obviously going to stop the process from happening I really feel like it's a second birth it's it's a berth in to a different consciousness into a different neuro tribe that's actually needed it's a metamorphosis as the transformation and it seems reality isn't safe for neuro diversity and I thought of a matte con intention I thought of every time I smile I forgive those who would trespass on my consciousness as it is all one and I think that relates to neuro diversity and I was reading some literature talking about person-centered approach to recovery and I was thinking about if I was to take an approach I would want to take a gift centered approach what was what are your gifts what is emerging what is arising sure there's like this other stuff sort of falling away and that's confusing but what is arising what is emerging and what are your visions and diverse abilities and it would be services based on what a person can give to the world with these new abilities and it's important to actually start to utilize them right away to see if they're going to unfold and flower because I I'm just thinking of this now so if somebody gets acquainted with an ability and then is medicated away from it and then 10 years go by well that ability probably would have atrophied for sure so it's important to practice and keep using one's abilities and gifts that one gains if one wants to so I feel like it's possible that one's troubles will fall away when one moves towards harvest practice and body and utilizing ones gifts in an altruistic way and I feel like by sitting here talking i'm not really doing that but at the same time i'm hoping that my gift will be to be able to create safety and and by talking to myself and creating my own safety i hope and then i'm part of the gift centered approaches they talk about how it's important to say well what happened to you versus what's wrong with you i think it could be more powerful to say not just what happened to you but what are you going to make happen with your gifts and your visions even if i ask myself that I feel like what I'm going to make happen is psychological safety for myself and the community to feel safe in being neuro emergent or neurodivergent a different neuro tribe and just as it's important to have males and females in order to procreate it's important to have different neuro tribes in order to co-create and so I want to make that happen the psychological safety I want to make it happen that I come off medications and I'm able to say I'm of a different neural tribe or I'm trans consciousness or or whatever it is that I want to say oh I'm bipolar disposition doesn't mean it's a medical disease and being able to help people create their own context in order for one to move towards one's best self because I feel like that process that neuro emergent process that trans conscious process is trying to move us towards our best self for the benefit of society and hopefully by talking to myself like this and moving myself towards that and I could release these videos of myself talking to myself now but I'd rather wait until I've come off medications and part of it too is I want to talk to myself while I'm coming off medications and I don't know what I'm going to do that I i want to bring ecp are here either in February or sep tember and I'll probably know better in the next couple of days and i was saying i don't remember even if i said this as that i want to make this area the most psychologically safe so just like a lot of people come to canada because it's safer then say their country is it would be cool that if people would come to Canada because it's the most psychologically safe for neurodiversity for perceptual diversity for experiential diversity for diversity and consciousness not just physical diversity that it's already important that that is I don't even want to say accept it because that is like saying there's something to accept like oh I have to accept you that is just a ridiculous notion so even having acceptance of neurodiversity is kind of ridiculous listen away because it's already a fact it's part of the universe as part of consciousness so I don't know and the ego is what has designed society and all our thinking and our thought and so these other neural networks is neurodiversity is coming in and making us diverge from society in a way we need to create something different with this divergence and I feel like we're actually in recovery from society and how traumatic it is and we're trying to live our dreams our dreams aren't necessarily a part of what society has designed for us to move towards that's like a trick it's like a dangling candy in front of us I came across this statement in some peer support literature and it says peer support is about understanding another situation empathetically through the shared experience of emotional and psychological pain and I think what about the shared experience of ecstasy and visions and that's why I talked in earlier videos about harvest practice and body go back to one's visions and one's dreams and one's ideas that one had in the manic consciousness state those are the seeds that need to be planted in consciousness in order to grow a different society for us all to experience so then we can actually exist in higher levels of consciousness because as dr. David Hawkins would say that we can only go as high as the prevailing level of consciousness of our surroundings pretty much we can help it level up a little bit but it's always going to be knocking us down and I think that's actually what's happening with bipolar process is that one goes into those higher levels of consciousness but the collective level of consciousness is so much lower that one has to go back to that but then what one ascertains and what one gains and what one learns and the visions one sees in that level of consciousness can still be something that we can move towards so in recovery they would say Oh move towards your individual little goals and I would say with harvest practice and body would be moved towards the highest vision that you saw for all of humanity and I also talked about how we need to get together to collaborate on this because nobody can carry out the vision by themselves because it's so big it's something one can't do all by oneself one can even build a whole house by oneself for the most part so how is one going to change the entire consciousness by oneself and that's why I feel like it's important that people of that neuro tribe of bipolar disposition or whatever not just work to have one's actions in order in the field of society but also see what actions one can take in order to change the field of society so we don't have to be in order in society in order to function in society we need to actually change society so we might actually not feel the need to even adjust our supposed disorder to society to be in order if we actually are co-creating a different society and that could just even be that the bipolar neuro tribe needs a different reality just like somebody in a wheelchair needs a ramp somebody with bipolar disposition needs to live in a quiet neighborhood for for instance so so designing society around keeping highways away from residential areas etc like it would be different we are not actually noticing the impact these things have on us it could even be the noise that partially is starting to create people to go into this bipolar neuro tribe in their life and be like wow this is this is not good for human consciousness so yeah I don't necessarily want to relate over emotional and psychological pain it would be nice to relate based on the strength based aspects of the bipolar process and I think you know often goes to a scary place and then that's when there's an intervention and then that's sort of what everything is collapsed around is the fear stuff well what about the good aspects and I think it's more powerful to actually act like one is manic when not feeling manic then feeling manic and trying to act normal because if one can act manic like one's embodied manic self when not actually feeling manic then one is actually reap a turning reality based on acting in that way without having to have that energy come in and force us to do it

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back to this paper on memes as replicators it says memes like genes are judged against one simple unambiguous criterion their ability to perpetuate themselves in the prevailing environment if possible or by modifying their environment if necessary I think this is where embodying once mania comes in a little bit too is that there might have been some memes that came about in mania that can be embodied after after being harvested and also this would change the environment too so if I need to go out and about in order to do random acts of kindness that's going to change the environment in which I am genetically expressing myself matically and experimenting with some of those means and I think mania is like a big experiment with different memes and it's a meme creating process it's a learning process it's like another brain growth I think that society needs to be designed in a different way to actually support some of these memes so people that have visions and creative insights there needs to be a way for people to collaborate together to to change society and also society needs to change in order to support some of these other memes and say the fact that there are a lot of highly sensitive people out there and I think part of what gets changed in the process of epi mimetics and endo mimetics when one is in mania is that one sees that other things are possible and that's when the reasons why people need to retest reality and retest gravity and retest one's abilities it's almost like when we're children and how we need to climb on a chair and fall off in order to feel the effects of that happens again when a person goes into that learning state that innocence of mind but from that space one can actually create new memes and prune the memes that aren't helpful and one might end up ruining oneself back to someone that resembles what one was before but there's still a growth in that process and i mentioned how the paper says symbiotic memes which promote behavior adaptive for both themselves and the genes will be doubly successful in the long term for genes will design brains or epigenetic rules to be receptive or creative of such memes and I think what goes along with that is that in manic consciousness one is actually in the state of creating new memes constantly all the time yet right now as it is the people that have those brains that actually go into hyper mimetics get diagnosed with a mental illness and then put on medication that suppresses that process so then we don't learn about the process and we don't facilitate one moving through it because of the false statements out there about it getting worse over time and things like that and I've gone into that process three more times since the very initial one and each time it's been more and more mild and quicker and if I was put on stronger and stronger medications each time I don't know if that would have been the case it probably would have appeared as worse and worse I read somewhere else to a cam remember where it was but it talked about how this process of map consciousness is probably probably has a socio biological function not yet recognized and I think that's true it's something to do with the socialness and the biology and and maybe part of it is actually that we're supposed to make meaning and have dialogue with each other not just argue over opinions and beliefs we're actually supposed to be creative in our perceptions and talk about them look if I would have someone with me the whole time I'm in that hyper mimetic state we would sort of be comparing memes and and making memes and saying what we saw and perceive like a big grand experiment like we are the experimenters and I feel like part of the shift part of this transformation is going from words to being and perception and it's not just going from words to being in perception but going from being used by words by memes that are reinforcing the DNA of those memes which are the meanings we've been given by society the equations we've been given by society to actually creating our own meanings and that's what happens in trans consciousness that's what happens in mania and sometimes we can create meanings that might be detrimental but it's still about creating our own meanings and moving towards the meanings that we create and it's perceiving and acting based on our own meanings versus conceptualizing and regurgitating old meanings which are no longer meaningful because they have nothing to do with the present moment so they're actually meaningless and then we wonder why people go into this hyper meaningful state of mania and it's in order to create some meaning out of our perceptions versus being totally demeaned by our own voice in our own head and our own voice in our own head defens us to the memes of possible meaning and I think part of it too is since the meanings are always infinitely unfolding it's important not to necessarily believe them because once one believes one it's going to create an accumulation and that accumulation as soon as one thing is grasped onto it's actually going to limit what can come next and I was thinking that reality is all a game of make-believe it's the powers that be trying to make us believe whatever it is with the advertising with education and believing is recording and recording is part of the ego process and I also feel like our ego mind talking is sort of recording over our body so we're not actually perceiving our body we're not actually perceiving the recording instrument we're not perceiving that we have eyes we're not aware that we have eyes we're not aware we have a body because we're always conceptualizing and abstracting and creating images and those images are almost being superimposed over our body and not even feeling our body we don't have a clear mind screen it's polluted with these images and we're meeting the present moment and reality with these images on our mind screen so it blocks proper perception and it also blocks our perception of our body because we're in our heads it's like we are the special message and we are the special messenger and we are the special message creator and I feel like I feel like this process is connect us with our ability to make other meaning we have the meanings of the ego and success and individuality and we don't have the greater meaning of what it is to be human and it's like this thermodynamic ego process it goes from static and linear to dynamic and we become these dynamic perspective takers and consciousness is a non local phenomenon and the ego keeps it somewhat localized in our head but really it moves with wherever we're putting our attention and most the time our attentions in the past or something on some memory and I feel like it's not a mental illness as a perceptual sensitivity one that we all have

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I just read this paper energy and information it's actually a scientific American article from 1971 and it's talking about energy and information and how energy and information are related I don't know if it says it in this paper but energy and information are generally the same they can be transformed into each other it gives an example of X number of joules per degree Kelvin per year or however many bits per second so joules per degree Kelvin per year can be converted to bits per second and I'm not exactly sure how this is relevant to myself dialogue but I just looked at the word entropy and [Music]one of the definitions is lack of order or predictability gradual decline into disorder and in terms of physics it's a thermodynamic quantity representing the unavailability of a systems thermal energy for conversion into mechanical work often interpreted as the degree of disorder or randomness in the system and I feel like in a way the process that I experience is like entropy of the ego it goes towards disorder and it does so not necessarily because that's a bad thing but because there's so much tied up into the ego it becomes a solid structure that really it's not so it's bound to break down at some point so the breakdown of that structure is actually part of a greater order and in terms of energy of talks about how the ego is a waste of energy and I feel like as it breaks down there's more energy available so then there's also more information available because the information that the ego presents is often linear and and repeating so it's not new information so when it breaks down that structure that prevents new information and it's actually in the way of the natural energy process of the brain when it breaks down that energy is available so other information is available and it seems confused and disordered mainly because society is structured around the order of the ego but it's not actually really natural order it's contrived and educated order so when that happens that's when things like hallucinations or delusions or different meanings can come into play mainly because now the brain is trying to establish this other order it's a living order where truth arises moment to moment and has to be let go and not actually believed once it's believed then it's actually attached to this ego structure that's going to start looping things it's going to record something and remember it and believe it when really it all has to be surrendered and we all have these ordered egos these separate me success structures when really that needs to go into disorder in order for a different order of us actually cooperating with each other to arise and it's like that disorder and that randomness and consciousness needs to happen in order for certain people to bounce up against each other and start cooperating but normally what happens as a person is perceived as mentally ill and then put into that order of reality which was not how that was meant to be classified in beginning of that and it says today we know that it takes energy to obtain knowledge and that it takes information to harness energy so the energy in our brain is tied up in our ego process and because of that we're not obtaining new knowledge we're not really learning much of anything and so when that structure breaks down we're often able to learn again and a lot of this is disordered and meaning is attached to things that don't have as much meaning as they feel like in the moment and so called hallucinations and delusions but really it's the brain trying to start to learn how to learn and how to acquire different knowledge and make other meanings than the ones that we've been programmed to make and just repeat all the time and it says it takes information to harness energy so once we've got this way larger context and spectrum and perspective and map to understand things we can then actually as our consciousness unfolds as our process of perception continues we can actually harness different energy because we have access to different information and then this goes along with what I was saying with how the manic state is sort of like a hyper learning state it's a vision casting state it's rich and full of information and that's why it's important to go back and harvest it in retrospect that's why there's so much more energy that's why one doesn't need sleep it's like it's like a person is connected to that field of energy and information and able to transform it and translate it but then it comes to an end at some point and then a person is labeled with a mental illness but it's important to go back to that energy and the information that one was able to connect with and gather in that state because it's like being propelled into that state but we can actually go back and harvest that information and move towards embodying that and perceiving that and creating that and unfolding that in daily life and I feel like that's why it was sort of given to us that's why that extra energy state was given to us it's sort of a gift and then it's sort of our own game to unfold it and make sense of it we're put into a game of here's your mental illness now recover instead of here's your vision now rediscover and recreate your life and so we can create a different game from our vision cast and harvest it and practice it and embody it differently it was extra information it was extra meaning and we are the ones that make meaning we are the meaning makers and we can choose to make any meaning we want out of it we can interpret it in any way we want and by interpreting it as mental illness we walk down that path we can interpret it as I'm here to save the world or I'm here to save my family or I'm here to save myself for I'm here whatever it is I'm just here to be in the moment and see what happens there's no real right or wrong and we can change the game anytime we want it's like what are we going to do with that information and as a process it's an information processing process and so many of us start processing information in similar ways like seeing visions hearing voices feeling like we're getting special messages all this array of apparent symptoms which is different information processing and and gathering and we're learning from herself and from our experience and from our our past and everything in each moment unfolding and it totally burns us out it's like we burn up all our energy by going into that process but then we can still move towards embodying that which we were to start with in that process we have it within us to be that version of ourselves of processing information that whole experience creates the context in the spectrum and the perspectives and the map for which we can sense and start to move towards that which we were which we are now which we just can't necessarily sense and feel but in our daily life and in our daily actions as we work on embodying that we see that we are that already and so many wisdom traditions they say well you're perfect as you are now and we're like oh yeah right how can that be true but when we've connected with mania we actually feel like we are perfect as we are in each moment no matter what's happening and so we do have that within it so there's proof when we've already lived that proof and we've already lived the proof that we can create whatever game we want to live in life and we shouldn't be limited by the game that we've been told that we're supposed to believe is how things are for us they talk about information and probabilities and it's a little bit complicated in a way but what I like is they say that information can be defined as anything that causes an adjustment in the probability assignment and they're talking about the probability of a certain answer to a question so if I think okay the question is do I have a mental illness and now all the possible answers are different probabilities well with what I'm talking about with myself it's information to me and that it's changing the probability of me actually thinking yes I do have a mental illness so the more and more I talk about that question in self dialogue in different ways the less likely it is for me to actually have the probability of seeing it as that one particular answer each time I make a statement to myself about it I'm actually making the probability smaller and smaller as mod yet if I was always be talking about myself in terms of that then the answer to the question would be well yes I do because I always am saying these sentences about at least this information that is showing that that is true and they talk about thermodynamics in terms of a transformation or a conversion between thermal and mechanical energy and mechanical energy is movement thermal energy is heat and there could be something to do with heat and energy and something somebody called me from mastercard and it was like i don't qualify for your premium card and they're like oh but you qualify for premium number 2 i'm like okay fine I'm listening I just had some stuff and then like okay sure send me the card so this paper this paper goes on to say that the information content of a message then is a measure of the change in the observers knowledge from knowledge X before the message to knowledge X Prime after the message a message that tells you what you already know produces no change in either knowledge X remains the same or in the probability assignment and therefore conveys no information and I think that's interesting because I think that's in and I think that's interesting because here I am talking myself and some of the stuff I already know I want to say or talk about but then when I keep talking about it I say something else that I had no idea I was going to say so it's actually new information because I've never heard it before and also too I imagine if someone ever watches this they might one might actually change one's own knowledge about oneself or what one thinks about onese lf because I feel like what I'm saying is something different than what a person might say and actually absorb as knowledge given the dominant paradigm and one thing it doesn't touch on with that statement there was that I was given new information when I was given a diagnosis and that was given psychoeducation but I never really believed it but it did still change my knowledge in that I knew that that information was out there as part of the paradigm and I still did utilize some of the knowledge because it's difficult not to when it's the dominant paradigm I gave the example before of how I could have said I'm not mentally ill and you know ran away and cross the border and never to be seen again but by staying and taking the medication in a way I sort of was like acting as if I am I would say I said to myself in my own mind in a way I'm sure I can play the role of mentally ill person it's sort of like the role that I had to play being put into and subjected to that paradigm if I would have said I'm not mentally ill that would have been further proof that I was mentally ill so the only way to get out of it was really to just play along with it and it wasn't just playing along as in faking because I definitely have had experiences and and suppose it's symptoms along the way that it's true so it is true but it's not true to me at the same time like I feel there's a different context through which to describe it and me having that context in my heart and mind helps me get through it if I just felt like I was mentally ill and I believed it then I probably wouldn't really try to thrive at all it's sort of like how perhaps the homeless person might go to some kind of Christian program in order to get food and shelter or something doesn't mean they have to be Christian it's just the Christian people are the ones that are offering the food and shelter for example and because I've had supposed mental health symptoms which could be translated and described in so many different ways which I've probably talked about some of them in these last hours and hours of talking about it to myself I end up going for help to the mental health paradigm because is there and that sort of the dominant system of helping people with that stuff I remember the first time I was in a crisis I tried to fake my own death by just kind of playing dad and hoping I would die and wake up somewhere else but in my mind I sort of felt like I need to fake my own death to get out of here to escape but instead because I did that it appeared as if I was mentally ill and now it's like I have to fake being mentally ill in order to escape the mental illness paradigm and it's not that I'm actually faking it I have had so many horrific experiences it's almost like maybe the universe is faking it for me I'm not sure how it works and I could be faking it too in terms of how I had a pretty traumatic experience like five six months before all this happened and I had to sort of fake certain aspects of things in order to survive that I felt like if I didn't fake certain things then I might be killed and then now it's like oh I tried to fake my own death and now it's like I'm faking mental illness not that I'm actually faking it but it's like it's not real in a way it's it was a result of that original fake and not really dealing with all that so in a way I'm still like I don't know it's it's a weird sensation I guess it feels fake in that it's not really a mental illness like it was trauma it was all this other stuff that comes to this apex that appears as a mental illness so that's part of the fake too and in a way the ego is fake and I'm on medication that helps me function has this ego and that's kind of fake and then I'm working in the mental health system which is a big fake not actually dealing with what's really troubling people and letting it get to the point where some was so distressed that it's just called open your own mental illness and nothing else related to that and related to that that article that I read by Ron Unger talking about psychosis and he was being critical of this thing called navigate and I don't know anything about it but he says that that program would say psychosis is nobody's fault people do not cause it and Ron says wow really nobody does anything to cause psychosis meaning like trauma nothing abuse nothing causes psychosis nobody's fault and that's just another excuse to just say oh which just happens it's your brain you take your medications and be good now because nothing caused it but that's a load of horse manure and that's what I'm talking about in terms of my own experience because there was so much that led up to this label of psychosis that is fake in that all the actual real bits that led up to it never supported led up to this thing called psychosis so actually feel like there's something with this hole entropy thing with this transformation of energy it's like there's this energy in our body stored in our body or stored in our being and that's sort of the allostatic load and it's stagnant and the energy needs to flow and then all of a sudden there's this huge release of energy and information and it's all muddled together and that sort of so-called psychosis but it's something that needs to be released it's like this entropy and consciousness this thermo dynamic energetic transformation process and is trying to get us to process things in a different way not in terms of our own ego I think there's some kind of entropy and consciousness going on and it's as just as the entropy of information has meaning only in relation to well-defined questions so the entropy of thermodynamic analysis has meaning only in relation to a well-defined system and it says that again and entropy is a loss in information I think again in entropy is more disordered so more disordered means less information because it's more disordered and I think of the ego breaking apart as sort of a gain in entropy and so that would be a loss in information but I think when that is broken up there's actually an entirely different system of information processing that comes in because the ego information processing is an entropy or is that this information system that is actually false so when it breaks up this morn a chiral way of processing formation can actually come in and it talks about how if we already know something then no actual information is is there it's nothing new and that to me relates to how the ego goes in circular loops and it talks about how if no information is processed then there's no energy available so we're not really processing anything so there's no energy available so we're each sort of our own closed loop and if we're a closed loop then that energy is not actually available to the greater system and I think in that way we've been turned into machines and then you talk about by providing a departure from equilibrium it becomes a source of information and useful energy and I think that's what's happening in consciousness and a person that goes into map consciousness or trans consciousness is its away from the ego equilibrium which provides different information and different energy in that person's going to do different things and it talks about how the energy of the Sun gets stored in clouds and lakes and things well I feel like the energy is also stored in human beings and I've talked about how now more and more energy and consciousness is actually into the biomass of humanity but if we're not actually processing information and learning we're more like stagnant pools than actual sources of flux and flow of energy and information we're not the source of creating energy and information from the energy we're not thermodynamically transforming our bio mechanical energy into new information we're just actually consuming old information and not really learning much that's new and so we're not contributing back to the cycle of infamy shun and learning

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I'm putting together a worksheet with a few things on it relating to what I want to do moving forward which is provide some options so simple things about safety like the representation agreement an advance directive and I used a group called nidus or knit asst and ID us to put mine together and then i have my medical ID in my phone and then i'm also considering getting a medical ID bracelet with something on it to the effect that long-term antipsychotics or any psychotics over 14 days gives me a necklace these you have reaction and I don't want to be on any of them so the one thing about that though is I don't know if I want to be walking around with the word antipsychotic or no on my body but at the same time it could be helpful I'm just wondering if there's a way to frame that without having to write that stuff because I talked to the company and they said i can write whatever I want so i could write goes to go stick up your butt if you try to pathologize me something like that but at the same time I'm not against being pathologized if I'm sort of past the point of no return and there's a way that's helpful to me in there's ways that are definitely not helpful and I feel like with different things in place I can possibly step up my level of attempting to thrive and then if I attempt to thrive so much so that at some point it appears that i attempt suicide well then that happens but at least I'll be pulled back to some version of my ego self and then also the SAP strap idea having a zap strap and my PRN so those are some of my safety tools not safety as in oh and now i'm going to protect myself from crisis but safety in that if i venture too far into unknown territory like inner unknown territory then i can keep myself safe and then i also wrote on the spiritual emergence network that's a safety tool for dialogue + emotional cpr training which I'm hoping to bring here and the voice is envisioned study club and the voices and visions support group as I found when I went to the group they were very much not into pathologizing that particular so-called symptom and i even have their group guidelines and i says except that voices and visions are real experience same with anything that i've talked about for me it's real for me sanctions of freedom to interpret experiences in any way i like this one about the facilitators not under any pressure to report back to anyone clinically and the facilitator said that other interpretations are more empowering and meaningful and i was thinking about that this morning i was thinking about if i want to put a positive spin on this diagnosis I've been given right then and there it would be scientifically proven that I would be expected to have better results so even if it is wanting to be called a pathology by some professional people if I put a positive spin on it it's going to help me and not just positive spin as in oh I can recover that's the going positive spin right now it's no I can use some of these strengths and abilities that I've gained I've gained empathy I've gained sensitivity and that makes it difficult to function sometimes but those are actually abilities and those sensitivities I can use actually to interpret and find meaning in my experience so by saying the experience is not meaningful is actually denying some of the main faculties that one gains through this process which is empathy and compassion because the process is so jarring and it's so vast that it definitely expands one's range of one's ability to sense and perceive things we can only really see something that we have the contacts for and by being given this vast array of context now we're more sensitive to so many things and that the thing is that the way society is designed most of the stuff that we would move towards in society naturally when we're programmed we actually will recoil from when we lose that programming because we see that it's dangerous and it's not actually how we're naturally wired as human beings a lot of times when they create groups or something and people that have been isolating for a long time they actually start coming out it's because it's something that is how we're naturally wired as human beings like gardening for example it feels safe it feels natural whereas if you say to someone come out and we're going to give you electric shock treatment they're probably not going to come out and that's the other extreme but it is something that's out there and another guideline is make no assumption of illness so I like that one because if I was to go to this group even though I've been diagnosed with an illness I actually don't feel that I have an illness in my heart and if I did feel like I had an illness and my heart and I took it to heart that would probably become a self-fulfilling prophecy I'd always have the lens and the lookout for anything that could be construed as illness then if I saw something out go to my doctor and then they give me another pill and then like it would just go on like that and which a spiral I actually showed my little niece a picture that I saw an Instagram and both women were 80 years old and one looked like an 80 year old woman with a cane and white hair and the other 80 year old woman had a six-pack had beautiful skin was smiling was just an incredible shape better shape than I min that's for sure and so it's those little choices that gets a person to one extreme or the other and for me having a diagnosis that puts me in a field of choices that could actually quickly lead me to death or morbidity of some kind like if I was to go on medication that made me eat more and then all of a sudden I have diabetes and then I need more pills for that I would look completely different than I look right now and right now I'm not even the healthiest that I've been but I see that because I've been put in this paradigm with this lens where I can be funneled into these choices that I wouldn't choose for myself I have to be even more aware of the choices I do make for myself because if I don't make even better choices I'm going to have less of a choice as time goes on like if I don't eat healthy I'm going to likely end up with diabetes or something because being on medications already would predispose my body to be coming out of balance and things like that and I and I was at one point probably about 30 pounds more than i am now and I started to make choices with the help of one of those apps for tracking food to really see that i was eating way too much so at first I cut my junk back by not eating as much and then I started to put in the healthy foods and that's how I lost 10 pounds and I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to lose anything because I was on this medication that was sort of keeping me at that equilibrium but I was also making poor food choices based on craving those sorts of foods based on being that on that medication so I had to break that cycle so the next part of this sheet about the spiritual emergence network and the groups is that this group is a group that doesn't pathologize so i would say i'm kind of a vision seer extraordinary experience and when I went to the group I was impressed that people actually knew what open dialogue was they knew about these other strategies so just being around people that have other experiences that would commonly be pathologized that choose not to pathologize themselves is empowering and I would like to do that more often and then I did and I did go to California to be trained as a spiritual emergence coach and haven't really utilized that I need to look at it again and see what it is that a person can can do with that it's group based so it would be another group similar to voices and visions and I think maybe after i see the healing voices movie next week i'll have a better idea of what I want to do with that and so after the personal safety measures like safety from the system and safety from self with this app strap the representation agreement then with the dialogue also safety with the spiritual emergence network crisis line and then the support groups of voices and visions and also spiritual emergence coach group it's also really important to have happiness embodied mania or whatever one chooses to call it so that's the thriving element so once one feels safe and connected and supported in a non pathologizing way but also ready to be pathologized if need be because that is the main system of crisis response right now so I'm ready to be pathologized but I'm also protected in that I won't be pathologized in the way that almost ensured chronicity for me I barely managed to us so I'm wondering why I'm trying to put myself back into that stressful poisonous paradigm which would potentiate the probability of me going into a crisis and then needing that kind of thing so the third is happiness and embodied mania and you know that could be creating a meetup group being creatively maladjusted or what I like to say is creatively adjusted because it's society that's maladjusted so when we're when we're doing something different we're actually being adjusted and we're actually adjusting society and there's another one which is options there's a book choices in recovery I think I've mentioned and it has a lot of different evidence-based stuff for people that want to design their own recovery if you want to use that word and i would say design rediscovery and recreation of oneself and it could be good to have a rat plan wellness recovery action plan i have one of those i have app and also tom Wooten's bipolar in order is a really good one for starting to test the whole thrive thing he talks about being in an uncomfortable state but being able to act in order versus being in an uncomfortable state and being in disorder and when you're in disorder that's when you have to enact a plan to bring yourself back to order and then you can try and step into that again which kind of naturally happens anyway but he's all about allowing ourselves to practice being in those uncomfortable States and practice being in order versus just getting freaked out at the first sign of one little anxious thought and i would say i did this two weeks ago when i started to feel quite distressed and i took a week off work and and it totally worked like I went back to being in order and just it took a bit of took a few days but then I felt fine whereas if I would have not done that I don't know what it would have happened I was starting I cried in front of one of my friends and there's nothing wrong with that but if that would became like a daily occurrence and I don't think that friend has ever seen me cry and I generally don't cry very often at all so so it worked and I think for me what I'm wanting to explore for myself is coming off medications and that sort of the last bit is being supported connected safe happy for me I don't think it's a good idea until I have a living environment that is more quiet and peaceful because that adds a lot of stress because when I really think about it I would rather be able to say that I'm not on any and medications and I'm managing or even thriving versus being on meds and working in the system so I might try and work with the EMP people because I have a natural path but he said it's not within a scope of practice to switch me to lithium orotate i think so i can imagine that after i hopefully have the ECP our people come here and do training and I've moved to a quiet place i can get off the lithium i want a pretty i'm on a pretty small dose I don't think there's any point in really risking my stability before our Christmas I've already voted from the psych ward celebrated a birthday in the psych ward I don't need to celebrate Christmas and the psych ward I'm definitely feeling the impulse to be embodied to go ice skating to work on my posture and my structure and everything and those things will have an effect to make it so my body last longer because I've talked about before how I think everything mental is illness in a way or is dis ease if we're mentalizing about staff that were not really at ease with the present moment so I've done a lot of unfolding meaning for myself with these experiences but at the same time they're all mentalize ations away from the present moment or in a way the present moment I had become needed all this mental ization and meaning making in order to get actually to the present moment that I'm meant to be in so it's not really the mental is a shins that have meaning as much they were necessary to get there for example if I have a mental ization that I need to kill myself it's going to get me to a moment where I might think I need to kill myself where nothing really could be happening in the moment to actually justify the fact that that needs to happen besides the words the mentalizing and mentalizing is like mental lies there lies I could be thinking about anything right now but the fact of the matter is I'm just sitting here in my living room and anything moving away from that would be like saying well I don't want to be sitting here in my living room I want to be thinking about something else and I think a lot of the people who critique not thinking have never put the work in to get to that state and to see that it's very similar to the thinking state there's just not all these words going on and we don't necessarily understand that words don't need to be going on in order for us to actually act act based on the intelligence of the body not on the abstractions and conceptualizations of the mind which usually aren't congruent with what is happening with the body so we turn the body into a habit in order to be lost in our abstractions giving us maybe dopamine or something like that when if we're in the moment acting without thought we're getting that perception of that action versus the abstractions and not having the perception of the action it's almost like we don't even feel our body anymore and maybe we don't feel it partly because it's in a lot of pain because we never were able to act in the moment oftentimes when we experience pain we've recorded something that somebody says that Lisi is painful or we record something that's pleasurable and then those are the moments we recall as memories to vacillate between pleasure and pain what I'm saying is if we're just going between pleasure and pain in our own head based on our own abstractions we're not actually in contact with our body and our gestures and when we are in contact with that what's being recorded is nothing it's just all passing through us as us with us as the moment in the moment with the moment and I even made a note of something that kind of rings true it's it seems like supposing mental illness is attaching different meanings to life than the one we've been programmed to attach to life for example education is success getting a good job that pays well is success and then often people that get highly educated and get a suppose a good job they don't feel happy and then that's when all that mental ization is happening in order to allow them to cope with the fact that they're so far away from their innate happiness because they've been tricked into putting all their life energy and money into training and education to get this good job success is always away from the moment and success away from the moment is a thought and if we're always thinking that success is in the future it will always be in the future and if we think that success is a certain thing that's a thought when we get that thing we're going to realize that's not happiness so these other meaning makings that get so extreme that they're seen as hallucinations and delusions are actually a way for us to see different meanings to get us away from our program meanings but those aren't necessarily the meanings of life either it's just sort of a process to see oh there are other meanings and Oh any meaning can be attached to anything and when one sees any meaning can be attached to anything along the way none of it means anything in particular and that's another thing is to have a delusion suppose a delusion that is attaching apparent meaning to something or thinking something or having a certain belief it can just be a passing thing like a cloud like oh that's nice but if say I was to also believe something then it can become problematic because now I start comparing everything to that belief and and then things get really confusing so part of it is that who is the one that believes well usually it has to be some kind of Center or some kind of ego structure so once we attach even like a really high belief to something well now we've recreated that ego center when the believer and the belief are one of the same is the same process it's this trying to attach to something part of what I think has helped me along the way is to not really believe any of it so if I talk about an experience well that was interesting but it's not something to be believed part of this process to this meaning making shows us that we can make infinite meanings and if we don't attach to any of them then it just keeps going and I think at some point when some of those meaning making things that happen start to level off in terms of say like being too high or too low or too odd I think that's when the brains natural learning process is re equilibrate it it's like okay well now it's just learning without accumulating anything because in the same way that a brain can create infinite meanings as it goes along in the day when those meanings actually become learnings they become insights and then they're like oh that's interesting vs. well that's so far out there and and I think that's part of the process is getting to a place where the brain can learn without attaching to things and being taken away by it so when I have insights into things that usually just come up naturally and then sometimes there'll be one that comes out of nowhere that's way beyond what I was even learning about are enquiring about in my brain and then it's kinda like oh that's nice sort of like an outlier but when a person like if I was in an extreme state those outliers would be coming all the time and it gets to be a bit much because if I'm sort of inquiring within a certain range and there's an outlier if it's if it's just sort of dropped instead of clinging on to and then all these other outliers start coming and it's not able to make my brains not able to make any sense of it so I think I think part of the process is just the brain reestablishing learning actual learning how we used to learn and I've talked about this in previous videos about the mine screen and pattern recognition versus binary good bad positive negative pleasure pain I came across this mad in America article by Ron Unger and he says that he's talking about criticism around the biomedical model biochemical imbalance in the brain theory but instead they tried to convince us that scientific consensus exists around a notion of biochemical imbalances which actually lacks evidence and they frame the drugs as handily correcting the problem even though the actual evidence suggests that the drugs create a biologically abnormal state of suppressed dopamine and that this in turn causes the brain to shrink etc and so when I read that I found an interesting because I've been talking quite a bit about dopamine and and and how if these drugs suppress dopamine it's sort of suppressing something with the ego and i'm not sure what and i don't have time to talk about it right now i have to go to a meeting so i'll think about it but it's interesting that those drugs act on dopamine it suggests that something sort of gone wrong with the dopamine and i think what's gone wrong with the dopamine is that the dopamine is just wrong and something else is trying to be established but that could be part of the ego band-aid is it acts on dopamine somehow and and by suppressing this dopamine maybe it's trying to explode and implode on itself but these medications come in and kind of keep this dopamine thing going to some extent this ego self and maybe that's necessary for now um but it's just really interesting that I saw that

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I was thinking a little bit more about Matt cons video on intention and I was thinking about how he said set big intentions for mundane tasks and I also realized in a way that the state of map consciousness is a state of a different intention completely so what Matt cons talking about is from ego consciousness setting big intentions and I was thinking about how in map consciousness the ego is scrambled and so there's a completely different intention there to begin with there's different meanings but the whole state seems to be of a different intentionality and it could be towards being relational and being embodied as one's child like self because that's how we are naturally in the ego is sort of programming that's in the way of our natural way of being and maybe the intention is to be creative and to learn which is beyond right and wrong because right and wrong would mean we have to compare it to previous knowledge and so we're always classifying and categorizing our perceptions based on previous knowledge and the previous knowledge is what is actually what is making things salient so we're only seeing what we previously know to be true and categorizing based on that whereas in map consciousness it's a state beyond right and wrong it's a state of always learning and there's pretty much no time to even judge whether something is right or wrong it's just like aha moment after aha moment and everything that is an aha moment is seen and understood as truth for that moment in the moment maybe not truth ultimately in context to every single moment but in that moment seen as truth and then it's let go and the next truth comes so it's like a state of living in truth for a moment to moment and when the ego starts to come in and try to judge and make things right or wrong good and bad then that moment a moment truth unfolding starts to get mixed up and then when it gets mixed up one starts to become in a state of confusion which leads to fear which leads to scary meanings and associations and then one eventually reassociate with ego consciousness the one that says right and wrong good or bad and I think too there's a difference in that when a person is in Eagle consciousness and and making these intentions it's still an abstraction and still a conceptualization whereas in map consciousness it's actually a state of being and the meaning and the intention are actually in the moment and then they're gone and in that way it's always new and diverse whereas if we're conceptualizing and abstracting in order to make intentions and meanings were still distracted from the infinite unfolding of the moment and i still feel there's value in doing that for sure I just see that when I compare it to the space of map consciousness when we're connecting with something of other meaning and of other intention besides the egos desires and intentions it's sort of like what he's talking about but the universe is doing it for us it's a way of being and I still feel what he's talking about is a way of being even though it's giving voice to altruistic intentions which is a good thing because it's a it's of a different quality than thinking about oneself I still don't think it's good to follow anybody really part of me just speaking to myself like this is perhaps giving permission to for us in a way to think for ourselves about stuff and talking about things like mania and psychosis for hours upon hours in ways that I choose to think about it and talk about it because it's my own experience a professional can give me a label but it's likely that professional has never experienced this so I'm talking about it and thinking about it and looking at it and inquiring about it in and presenting different perspectives on it in ways that I choose to think about it and I'm even using some scientific terms with my limited scientific background and reading but if if people that are professionals want to impose professional terms on my experience then I can use professional terms to unfold and extrapolate my experience too it's about me creating and using language the way that I would choose to because language is what creates our perception of reality so if I talk to myself enough in this way it will sink n to me and maybe that's what Matt Khan is talking about with the intentions as it sinks in to one's being when one says all that stuff enough i guess i would have to try it to see if it translates into actually being able to be that way in actuality cuz for me all of this talking with myself is leading up to being able to embody my mania which is a state of so many different things it's you can't define it I can't define it but to me it's like hyper learning creativity always learning so in a manic state or an embodied manic state I would always be learning just like when I'm talking to myself in self dialogue I have some stuff written down but when I elaborate on things most of it i just make it up on the go so I've never actually heard that before until I say it myself and to me that's learning for myself it's learning from my own perception it's learning from my own ability to extrapolate from what I've read it would be sort of like how a person who's a researcher might research one paper and then look in the references and then look up all the papers that led to that paper and look up all the papers that led to that paper and each of those papers might have taken ten years to come to so there's like thousands and thousands and thousands of hours worth of intellectualization that goes into that one paper because it's all from a hundred papers leading up to this one paper and all those papers are doing that but we can actually do that with our own brains and be able to draw on things that we read ten years ago but we forgot that we read or something that we say that is completely new how many sentences do we think or say in a given day that are completely original that we didn't get from somebody else last week we don't come up with anything because we've been taught to just learn from other people we we don't know how to actually engage our own brains to learn and so with me doing this all this talking with myself it's inviting myself to do that and I'm surprised with some of the stuff that I've said even though I can't remember it anyway and I feel like I've been able to say some stuff to myself that is kind of interesting to me that I could have been just reading books the whole time and reading interesting sentences that other people came up with that other people took five years to come up with and put in a book or something and there's a lot of that out there there's a lot of great information and ideas that people have said but I find that now I'm in a space where I'm able to just create that with myself it's like I'm speaking out my own book to read verses reading other people's books and I think I really enjoy reading other people's books but I think it's more powerful to to see things for myself and say them give voice to them then if i was to read it from somebody else i would be sort of like in child development kids naturally will learn how to walk but that would be like an adult saying okay well we're going to make this kid walk well it's going to happen anyways so in that same way i feel like just by having dialogue with myself and coming up with some of my own stuff and building on that it's more powerful for me though I might have been able to experience something similar by reading books because the thing is with the context that I'm talking about for myself a lot of people have been through this similar thing and it's it's a similar context for a lot of people and a lot of people might choose to write a book but I've just chosen to do this whole self dialogue process I feel like my up consciousness is a state that creates context all of this talking to myself has come out of that experience and is trying to create other context than the programming that society would have me believe and when that gets scrambled I'm creating other context naturally because I'm not in that and also with what Matt Khan said he's saying attach big intentions to mundane tasks like sipping water is saving the world for example and a person in sipping water has control and also has control over saying when I sip water the world is healed now I've been in spaces where I don't feel like I'm in so much control but I've also had enough so-called control to be able to set intentions or context so if I'm feeling quite distressed I could think that the universe is recalibrating me for the highest good or I'm processing other information than just my own because if I'm in a state of distress that's greater than my current situation it implies them processing more from my past or whatever maybe even the collective unconscious so by thinking that as part of the context that I've created for myself by speaking to myself about it I'm not going to be so afraid of it because if the fear comes in then that's when other associations can start to make it spiral out of control more and also it's sort of like saying something along the lines of the universe is recalibrating you for my eyes it or just recalibrating me it also states well this is time-limited it's not going to keep going forever and it's also not saying oh this is bad and I need to stop it from happening it's just something that's happening so it's not really putting any kind of value on that experience and by calling it bad and resisting it it can actually make it worse because we have the energy of fear and resistance going into the experience it's sort of along the lines of this too shall pass another thing with these videos to that I haven't really talked about I haven't really thought about it this way but in a way I'm a person diagnosed with a serious and persistent mental illness and that sounds kind of scary but I don't think I'm really coming across as a scary person I hope not I was thinking about dissociation and how I sometimes dissociate as part of this whatever that's going on and I was thinking that when i dissociate i often feel like a homeless person and and in a way my inner home is my ego self that's how I feel at home by being that version of myself so when I dissociate from that I feel homeless because I don't feel like me I don't feel like my ego self I'm wondering if that's because homeless people don't really have an ego self and they feel homeless because they are homeless because they can't function because they don't have that ego self which is the functional self so I feel like bipolar in a way or at least association is like being an inner homeless person I feel like it wouldn't take much for me to be a homeless person I guess like if my ego Center detached and I dissociated from it and I wasn't able to get back to it I don't know how I would function at all and I might just be a homeless person wandering and then I think about how if homeless people wandering sort of don't have that ego self in a way they're more sane because they don't have this functional accumulative Center I feel like they could be in a high level of consciousness actually but society wasn't designed for them to be in that level of consciousness and so now they sort of appear to be these homeless people and there's this big gap between say homeless people and then the people that have it all and that needs to be closed that gap needs to be closed because I feel like one day I could disconnect from that ego and and be homeless or or disconnect from it and say have some kind of dementia and or appear to have that but really i'm actually quite conscious and aware inside yet i can't actually do anything to show that i'm there i don't know it's a strange sensation i feel i feel myself simplifying my life like they talk about simplify your life and why it's good and everything but I feel like the way that this consciousness is going it's wanting life to be simplified I would have complete necessity like it has to for example I've very little food in my fridge right now because it's very it's difficult to sort of like plan meals or I don't know it's strange it's I almost feel like I almost feel like I need to organize my life in such a way that it appears that i have a functional ego but really I would be completely lost it would almost be like having no memory no ability to really plan ahead so then what would be necessary is going based on oh there's a sensation of hunger that means get food these are sort of things that are the intelligence of the body so bodily necessities bodily intelligence would be there which is something that happens naturally and I don't really know what i'm talking about i'm trying to describe this weird sensation I've had lately and it's almost like still having friends and and meeting up with friends and things but meeting up as a completely confused person but not confused in a bad way confused in that the brain really has no motivation because the motivation the desires of the ego and of the dopamine stuff and so what is it like to live without that and I feel like if i was to resist that happening i could perhaps interpret this loss of functionality in terms of the ego functionality and some of its necessary I just feel like I'm losing more of it for example a year ago I would have been eating lots of fruits and veggies and have all the ingredients in my fridge for salad and be ready to make a smoothie as well stocked full of veggies and fruits and everything and now I can't even now if I get one thing a spinach it goes bad because I'm not really thinking about making healthy food for myself I can manage to do those overnight oats and then have like rice and indian food sauce and that's kind of it and if I was starting I think I've talked about before if I was starting to feel really unwell physically I could probably manage to to focus more on that but it hasn't been detrimental in terms of energy and things because I have a different view on energy and how it's not necessarily from food I think it there's I think healthy food is important but I think at a certain point it becomes less important like one can let go of one's attachment to healthy food I do take some vitamins maybe I'll at some point stop taking those two and I was saying how I'm having trouble focusing on certain things for work linear tasks and things and it could just be temporary as well because I do often get into a place where I'm more functional in those ways when I think about this last number of months I haven't gotten better with the food thing at all I'm not sure where I'm going with that it's it's something that I'm experiencing cuz i had a week or so of distress but now that that seems to be over I'm sort of in this space of being a bit spaced out and I don't think it's necessarily bad but I could make it feel bad if I resisted it and if I tried to do certain functional things that aren't really congruent with the state I wonder what a ready position would be for random acts of kindness and synchronicity what I mean by that is a lot of sports they have like ready position but when you're getting ready for a serve in tennis or or when an outfielders getting ready for the pitch in case the ball is hit in baseball a lot of us walk around with our heads down or sunglasses on looking at our devices and that's not really ready position for being relational or randomly kind so ready position would be like eyes open mouth corners up and ready to look at somebody's eyes hands out of the pocket ready to shake someone's hand or grab the door so I feel like there's sort of a ready position for for that and I think it's related to posture and gesture

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I can see the value of stress in a way stress as allostatic load when it accumulates for me for example I have low tolerance to stress and when it accumulates I can get to a place where I'm in so called delusion or hallucination and these delusions and hallucinations are actually ascribing different meanings to reality and in a way if the reality is created in such a way that it's just stressful in a way when that adds up to a certain point it should accumulate in a way that creates it so the organism starts to make different meaning because if it's so stressful that the meaning is stress and suffering and pain because whatever it is that one has been programmed to see and experience and believed to be real and meaningful is now a source of pain it's giving stress and so that's stress once it gets to a certain point actually initiates a response in the organism such that they hallucinate or have delusions which is basically making different meaning outside the spectrum of regular consensus perception because perception has to perceive something else in order to move toward and create that and that that other perception could be just as true as consensus reality but since it's not consensus reality at seen as hallucination and delusion when really it's reality testing it's actually trying to push the spectrum of consciousness of what is acceptable reality to be something of different meaning maybe not necessarily better per se but the organism naturally moves towards wanting to create other meaning because this stressful meaning is painful and no longer meaningful it's actually leading towards destruction of the organism so the organism tries desperately to find other perceptions it finds meaningful and some of them actually can be even more destructive to the organism and cause more suffering and it seems like when a person goes outside that norm of consensus and to say mania and it's like ecstatic and and supposedly positive now to come back to consensus one goes into those negative things and one actually that could be part of it to not go too far out of consensus reality because then one is in isolation and so the negative scary stuff starts to happen so then one goes back to find safety with people because otherwise one which is go off into personal ecstasy and we would all just go our separate ways from each other we wouldn't even need each other anymore so the the coming back is sort of scary and it is a requirement so we then again need each other the trouble is upon return we're often pathologized and so one gets stuck in being pathologizing is never able to really harvest those new perceptions and those new meanings and there's the scary meanings to which can still be learned from as well I can just really see these stresses their perceptual stresses they're perceiving the same reality and being stressed about it and more and more because one is repeating the same stressful daily routine and then if somebody has more stressful events then it can lead to that point where consciousness wants to perceive something else that's meaningful in order to pretty much save the organism from continuing with that path that's not leading to anything meaningful because we might need meaning more than we need pleasure pleasure doesn't really sustain us for that long I was also thinking about the importance of the incongruence of moods and experiences so in the last week I wasn't feeling as good as usual if you want to call it that and I actually feel it's important that sometimes my mood be lower than what it is that I'm supposedly experiencing because if it was always the same in terms of if I'm doing something good then I feel good if I'm doing something not as good I feel bad then that would actually delude me into thinking I actually know what's happening and I know the meaning of things so in a way having incongruent mood is a way just to remind me like I have no idea what's going on and that's good because if I think I actually know what's going on then that can lead me into being too consistent and boring I also feel like there's there's ego math and there's heart math and the heart math has to do with synchronicity in the ego math has to do with habit we need to hallucinate and more meaningful reality and this increase in stress actually helps to facilitate that I've been reading a little bit more of Timothy Leary's book your brain is God and there's a few really good parts in it but I just came across this one on page 103 at the bottom he's basically talking about the number of people who have gone through this other conscious experience mainly in terms of using illicit drugs like marijuana and LSD the whole book is related to LSD but I think it's really congruent with just going into altered states of consciousness without using drugs some people go into that it that way and some people have it happen without doing anything like that which just shows it's a natural process that can either be facilitated by using some kind of drug or it can happen without that but at the bottom he says if we add those millions of institutionalised mystics who have had involuntary psychedelic experiences this group swells to astounding proportions so he's talking about people going into other states of consciousness through drugs or not but he says millions of institutionalised Americans which are the people that have been institutionalized through supposin men's mental illness because he talks about having involuntary psychedelic experiences and that's sort of what map consciousness is it's an involuntary psychedelic experience it gets our inner pharmacy going and creates in inner psychedelics so it was just really interesting to see him write that at the end of this book about how there are people who he calls institutionalized mystics this book was published in nineteen eighty-two so luckily since then less people are institutionalized but people are still put on pharmaceuticals which is like a chemical ego band-aid and he says on page 95 after you turn on don't spend the rest of your life contemplating the inner wonders begin immediately expressing your revelation in acts of beauty that's very much part of our religion the glorification the acting out the expression of what you have learned so I feel like manic consciousness is sort of like acting it out then one goes through psychosis and back to regular consciousness usually medicated consciousness but I feel like what he's talking about there is what I was mentioning earlier about embodying mania so here I'm sitting unfolding context from myself in self dialogue but at some point it's also about self embodied mania and he talks about getting one's place in order and he even talks about moving if place isn't really in harmony with with consciousness and I think with all the noise here that really resonates with me to move and on page 66 he says he's talking about being in an altered state of consciousness and then it's he says that a person can realize ultimate truth if there's enough preparation beforehand he says otherwise he cannot benefit now and must wander into lower and lower conditions of hallucinations until she drops back into routine reality so again that's talking about how when one goes up into higher states of consciousness one then when they're coming back down goes through sort of scary hallucinations before one reattaches to reality so the fact that one through manian psychosis has that happen it's the same if somebody takes an illicit drug it's usually happy stuff followed by some scary stuff and on the bottom of page 65 he says liberation is the nervous system devoid of mental conceptual redundancy and so I feel like he's talking about the ego loop voice that just keeps talking on and on that's redundant it's old it's boring its programming and so when we're liberated we are free of that and he says on page 48 modern quantum physics is currently producing scenarios involving multiple realities indeed infinite universes determined by the attitudes and mental structures and measurements of the observer so the attitudes and mental structures of myself in manic consciousness is very different from in regular consciousness now I want to embody my mania I can do that to some extent but I also need to reorganize my reality so that it's easier to maintain those attitudes and mental structures because what I've talked about too is how it's actually not safe to be super ecstatic all the time it's may be safe to be ecstatic and silly and playful when being with children or something like that but otherwise it's safer just to be sort of our robotic self and on page 46 he uses some language that i was using similar language she says now 20 years later we are harvesting the fruits of this disorganized mass brain scrambling so he was talking about the use of LSD and other psychedelics and how it was like a brain scrambling well I feel like map consciousness is another type of brain scrambling it's the universe scrambling our brains and it scrambles the ego for sure it suspends the ego temporarily and scrambles it but I find it interesting that he uses the word harvesting and brain scrambling and he talks about brain casts in the book he talks about how gaya has a division of labor of consciousness so certain brains are better at certain tasks in humanity I almost feel like the different symptoms of mental illness are some of those tasks in a way like receiving special messages or or hallucinations or things seeing things that aren't really there but are there for some people to see and it could be even that over time for example there are the voice hearers and then there are the vision Sears there are people that have different perceptual diversity and those could be just other intelligences and brain casts and those ones are the ones that are not being allowed to flower he has another book called psychopharmacology the politics of and I just flipped to a page it's page 64 and it says does LSD cause psychosis and he says psychosis is a sudden unprepared for confrontation with levels of energy that bewilder and terrorize you a psychotic person or person having a prolonged LSD state is suffering from a level of consciousness first reported by Buddha over two thousand years ago if you treat a psychotic as though he were looking at you with 2 billion years of neurological perspective I think you would find yourself able to understand and be understood by him that's a pretty good explanation and I think that a lot of the extrapolate of learning after the fact comes from that experience of being given all those different perspectives and on another page he says we need a language of inner space and that's sort of what I'm creating his context of inner space of map consciousness in retrospect in retrospect but also to be able to provide context for when those states of consciousness happen again and he is another vet on the politics of ecstasy and he says the first problem is to know something about the different levels of consciousness unless you have some model or language for describing different states of brain function you're operating in a state of confusion so I I feel like when I talk to myself about this stuff I'm talking about different levels of consciousness and different experiences I've had in order to have that context to speak about it and understand it and I'm not just doing it in order to investigate my experiences but also to talk about it in terms that I would like to understand it moving forward and maybe not exactly understand it but at least have a web of understanding and meaning and language to have a framework that if I have an experience it fits somewhere in there if there's all these different lines of understanding if something else happens that's new and it'll be likely knew because it's not old and I'd rather allow it to be new rather than interpreting it as something that's already happened while it's happening I think I'd rather fit it in somewhere after the fact but while it's happening let it unfold but what I'm saying is if I have such a diverse context there's less chance that something will happen that's so far out that it will scare me whereas if I've never created this context if I just have my linear ego understanding and anything that happens that's even a slight deviation from regular consciousness it's going to freak me out but by having this fast web so many different possibilities can unfold and I'm not necessarily going to be afraid of them I'll be more curious about them allow them to unfold and then put them in some kind of context after the fact and I think this has already happened because I have had a few experiences I don't even remember what they were now because they didn't get so out there that I was describing strange meaning to them they were perhaps uncomfortable and then there was probably something that I was having a sense of that was uncomfortable but it wasn't this big leap that was this huge meaning outside the web of context besides just discomfort and maybe some kind of uncomfortable story trying to assert itself but since I wasn't becoming afraid of it there was no fuel to make that story create more levels of the story that were more and more fearful because I was becoming more and more fear so in that way it was cut off from the source of energy but what allowed me to contain it was the context so for example if I was from a culture that had a bunch of context for other worldly experiences like the shamanic stuff if I started experiencing something like that that I had heard of I would probably go for help knowing that I would be supported through that and I would be less fearful knowing that but in society as it is right now we don't have that context so then anything outside of that becomes terrifying after after a certain amount of time and that fear fuels it makes it worse and worse until a person has to go for emergency help versus having a context in the community where people are supported through it because the community has the context so what I'm saying is I've sort of created that context for myself in a way and I did have some uncomfortable experiences and a pile up of stress that could almost put me in a state and I talked about I think in the last video how it seems like the accumulated stress puts people with that propensity and consciousness into a state where they might have supposed delusions and hallucinations which great different meaning which is creating meaning away from the path one was on which in a way it keeps a person on the path towards supposed mental illness but these delusions are trying to move us outside of regular ego consciousness but they get entrapped again by the medical system most often because we don't have that context to understand it so I'm at least trying to create that context with myself and I would invite anyone else to do the same provided one has the right safety measures in place I feel less fearful knowing I have safety measures in place which will which will mean it's less likely for me to become more fearful which is more stress which would accentuate fearful experiences in altered states of consciousness and i would like to embody my mania and move towards that but i do understand that if i go so far into that i might have to come back through scary stuff in order to reconnect with consensus reality and I guess that's sort of the next part that would be cool to do it seems right now that I might want to look at a few books in order to I don't know if it's convinced myself or what but maybe convince myself to leave my job and and focus more on what it is I'm drawn towards which is not pathologizing these altered states and maybe creating context and save space and safety for people to pathologize themselves less and then of course move towards one's highest vision of oneself for the good of all and I don't think that can be done through peer support and I've talked about that a lot lately and I didn't want to turn myself dialogue into that sort of thing but if I do leave soon I will be leaving in a good place which sometimes it's harder to do than leaving in a bad place like if I was to go into crisis again and it's strange to feel like we'll never know what it was like to walk out that path to the end because I left when I was still could take in a few more steps but it just doesn't feel right I was also looking in this book the spiritual gift of madness and I talked about it in one of my first videos when I was just getting going I was reading from it a bit to see what I wanted to talk about and I feel like I've talked a lot about this to myself which I'll still do but the next bit is how do I start to talk about other people with this about this and so for the next little while I might be looking at books a little bit just to help with my resolve in the direction that I want to go and this book the spiritual gift of madness i have like a lot of tabs and then a lot of highlighting and i came when i open the page i basically open to this page and it says on page 265 one does not have to repudiate the doctrine of mental illness as i do to see on an objective level that the medical model has been extraordinarily destructive even to those who embrace it so this page is sort of trying to taunt me to the side of the medical model is totally bad and in most of my videos even though I'm critical of the medical model I say well that's whatever is helpful and I still am in the medical model both in my work and I do take medication I have a psychiatrist and one of my theories is if I stop working in the field it's perhaps possible that i won't need the medication because it's sort of stressful working in a paradigm that i would like to transcend and see other people begin to transcend and so this chapter is sort of this whole book is very critical of the medical paradigm and part of me doesn't want to let it go because i have this sense that if I need help I'll likely be taken back into the paradigm so if I'm completely against it i might go kicking and screaming which would get worse treatment then if I was like yeah you need help come and help me but another statement it says on page 265 is it is now absolutely clear that diagnosing people with schizophrenia or bipolar illness giving them high doses of medications over long periods and not talking to them about their experiences produces a chronically disabled population and there's a reference there and then it says the psychiatric model produces the data that seems to validate it a chronically disabled population and I experience that when i went to the psych ward in April and I was put on a medication that wasn't helping me and I had to switch doctors in order to be switched off that medication and had I not been able to switch doctors to switch off that medication I don't know how I would have been able to resolve that so now I'm really afraid of going back because of that kind of treatment possibility but I created an advanced directive and representation agreement but basically the medication they gave me made me worse which just made it look like it was worsening of my mental illness which I knew in my heart wasn't true I knew it was the medication and when I was off the medication after month and a half I was back to being fine so often the treatment can make things worse and then a person that doesn't know the difference would never know that it wasn't their mental illness making them worse that it was actually the treatment and on the next page 266 it says the psychiatric model has no value even for those who claim it works for them the only honest indeed the only compassionate way to talk to patients who think they are mentally ill is to tell them that they have been misinformed and deceived they are not mentally ill they do not have a chemical imbalance but they had undergone a crisis they have dealt with a difficult problem in living and they do possess the inner resources to overcome their personal problems and contribute to saving the planet and they do not need toxic psychiatric drugs and it goes on to say that we shouldn't even tolerate the psychiatric paradigm so those are some pretty strong words and this whole book is filled with some pretty strong words it's the spiritual gift of madness by Seth Farber those words were from his book just little blurbs but I recommend buying the book if you want to learn more about this and I feel like I'll be studying a little bit of this plus some other books that I have that I read a couple years ago and I haven't really read them since yeah this book has this book has so many amazing ways of saying things on page two it says at the bottom people who have been defined as mentally ill reframe their conditions and celebrate unusual some call them spectacular ways of processing information and emotion so there's just so many good points in here and I feel like a lot of us have this context already it's not like we really need to read it in a book reading it in a book is more validating than anything else so reading some of this can be validating to what it is we've already experienced and i'm not sure what happens in order to actually create this context and this is something i've talked about on numerous occasions on page 123 it says psychiatry does not solve this problem of how to help the awakened person live in this society the goal is to adjust the person troubled by the insanity of the world to the normal world at all costs better to drug him back to sleep so it's all written in books and staff I've talked about from my own experience is sort of unfolding my own context that it's not really my own it would be similar to a lot of people who have gone through this and I just wanted to do a lot of self dialogue in order to vocalize it because I think that's a lot more powerful than reading it in a book on one's own because I already read these books a couple of years ago which I forget I forget what I said a couple weeks ago and I just remember reading the books and thinking wow this is all in these books and I always felt that that was how it was for me from the beginning but I didn't actually start to investigate any kind of books on alternates for a number years I just was having fun and I would actually like to go back to having fun but it'd be nice to be able to go back to having fun and be off medication and be out of this not fun paradigm oh one thing I came up with today that I forgot to talk about and it's totally unrelated but I realized that I realized that in terms of air pollution from vehicles and things like that all that oil as carbon is like in the ground and we're harvesting it and turning it into different products which is sort of distributing it so cars burn it up and it goes into the air and I was thinking to myself well if all that oils date in the ground all that carbon would just stay in the ground maybe eventually turn of diamonds or something but then it wouldn't really be able to be used again so it feels to me like our air pollution is actually a good thing in a way because it's distributing the carbon all over the earth again and it'll eventually be utilized by something it'll probably kill us before it really kills everything but in a way if it kills us then all the carbon will be everywhere because it's an air and it's falling everywhere sort of like carbon rain in a way and it's generally bad but in a way from carbons perspective it's kind of good and maybe from organisms that use carbon and it's going to create a selective pressure for something around that kind of carbon there's another blurb in the book that talks about being able to remain calm while in a very scary psychosis and i feel like i may need to develop the courage to offer a potato chip to an alien standing right in front of me

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5 years later...

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I was supposed to do some stand-up comedy but it's a big snowstorm here so I'm not going to be going when the cool thing about snow is that the traffic is way slower moving on my street so I'm not hearing engine noise all the time so I really like that I was at the farmers market the other day and I ran into a man that I've talked to a few times at the farmers market and he follows a man named matt khan and i think i mentioned him in one video but i'm not a fan of how he makes people repeat stuff just gives me the heebie-jeebies a bit but this man that I ran into he said I could watch this video on the key of intention or something like that so I watched it and he talks about how for his thing which is something about the Love Revolution he said the only thing that you need to do is to change the meanings you ascribe to the symbols that you experience or the symbols that we subjectively perceive and I think this is an alignment with a lot of different things I've talked about regarding trans consciousness or map consciousness I talked in earlier videos about how map consciousness is a hyper meaning state and is trying to give new meanings to things and I feel like we actually need that to happen so what Matt Khan is saying to intentionally do is something that the universe is doing through certain people it's a mechanism of the universe anyways so I could consciously sit here and create an intention he'll say every time I have a sip of water may all beings in the world have clean water and he says by doing this we raise our vibration so by changing our intentions are creating these big leaps in intention so I feel like that sometimes what happens in map consciousness one can feel like if I turn off this light switch the world is going to end and I remember feeling like if I eat all this honey I'm going to go into a diabetic coma and die that was part of my suicide attempt and I had other ones too I had all these interesting perceptions I remember feeling like there was some significance to crows like if I saw a crow it meant a certain thing so what I'm trying to get at here is in the state of map consciousness one starts to ascribe odd so-called odd meanings and values to things and what Matt kata saying is to set those intentionally like for example taking a sip of water and having the intention that everybody have clean water I feel like part of what I'm doing through self dialogue is assigning different meanings to so-called mania and psychosis and I could go step further and feel like may all beings be able to create their own context through which to navigate this mysterious and incredible human experience and I feel like what he's talking about is it's pretty good stuff in terms of setting the intentions but then again a person might be limited by the types of intentions when is setting maybe not I'm not sure about that one I think anything that is supposedly positive is a good thing so if it's helpful it's a good thing and I do like what he's saying about that it's a way to keep one's energy a bit higher and he also said we don't change the labels we shift the meaning and when you shift the meaning the experience changes and that's what I feel like I've been doing through self dialogue I'm not necessarily trying to remove the label I have of bipolar but I'm changing the meaning it has for me I'm creating a lot of different meanings and i feel like when i start to embody my mania more what Matt cotton is talking about in terms of setting intentions and really silly intentions with mundane behaviors are pretty extravagant intentions with mundane behaviors I remember doing that in manic consciousness the first time I remember feeling like a strong sense of something being true as an intention like if I gave ten dollars to somebody who looked like they could use a nice meal I felt more beyond just that I felt like it was healing more than just that gesture to that one person and I felt it pretty strongly so what I'm trying to say with map consciousness this intention process sort of happens and changes and creates things and creates meanings and evaluations automatically it's creating these different ones than we would normally ascribe meaning to things the way we regularly ascribe meaning is by the ego and the values of the dopamine so I feel like one can still be too identified possibly with those linear words one is saying about oneself it sounds like it could help lift a vibration of a person but it also sounds like it could possibly be turned into pleasure and then it would just be another way of a person to get dopamine and I don't know how much that would actually raise one's vibration though the protective mechanism could be in that most of the intentions he caves examples of setting were things to do with healing the entire world and for all beings which is an altruistic intention I feel like if a person was able to actually just be altruistic and those things in daily life that would also raise one's vibration versus just thinking altruistic thoughts but I guess it's a good way in a way because he said that even if you put a big intention on something not so great it will raise one's vibration to the point where the person will no longer do that not so great thing and I guess a person would have to test that out to see if it's true but it's interesting I feel like I feel like what he was saying was sort of how a person at least was sort of how a person can get in manic consciousness like one can feel magical one can feel like I'm gonna wave my fingers and that's going to make the Sun Shine and it often does happen so one can make those sort of magical intentions but it's usually in the map consciousness state I feel it's more immediate like it's actually a feedback loop where one is actually seeing that could be true for real right now versus what Matt kata socking boat but in a way doing that what he's talking about intentionally might actually bring one to a state of map consciousness that might bring one to an embodied manic state in a way what he was talking about sounds to me like something i can imagine myself experimenting with and feeling quite manic if i'm starting to think that by taking a sip of water i'm healing the world those are the sorts of things that manic people would think and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that I'm saying that that could be good that could actually be a way for one to work oneself into a mania and it also sounds like it could be made into something very very silly and fun and and in a way to it could be a way to get to synchronicity because I was talking about synchronicity and I still I'm not sure how it works but it's something I want to explore and I feel like if there's all these bits of information in the field of reality if one is always consistently making one's own meanings then one can start to actually notice meanings synchronizing and noticing that one is the author and creator of that synchronicity so there could be a synchronicity and a person won't see it and if you don't see it and act on it the next one won't be made available so it has to be seen and made meaning of and made meaning of so synchronicity could actually be part of a hyper meaningful state because everything seems so meaningful so everything seems like it's synchronizing like it's synchronistic because everything is meaningful so it's just meaningful meaningful meaningful after another one after another and it's of course not the meanings that the ego would make in terms of oh this tastes good so it's good well this person is talking about something that I'm not interested in so it's bad and I'm going to judge that person for that and always doing the whole good versus bad thing versus one making meaning and seeing meaning and we have to actually see that meaning so they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder well so is synchronicity and he also says that when we assign high intentions to silly actions our light shines brighter so it's not just about setting those my intentions to make those intentions come true it's about if those are our intentions these super high intentions it's going to make us brighter in the moment because we're having those high intentions and I feel like supposed mental illness is just really detaching from the meanings that society has programmed into us our ego meanings what it means to be alive the purpose of life once we detach from those we attempt to make new meanings and we've all been programmed into this narrow band of meaning of ego programming and it's not necessarily bad it's just sort of meaningless for the most part so it makes sense that so many of us would detach from that and start to make some of our own meanings and that actually might be part of our gift that might be part of our unique capacity as human beings is to make meaning but we've already had most of the meaning of our life made for us like do this and you will get that and this means this and that means that instead of actually seeing and making meanings for ourselves and that's part of what I'm doing with this dialogue with myself is just making my own meanings by extrapolating things and just talking about stuff and it's just making my own meanings instead of relying on the meanings and equations that I've been given from society and even when I was diagnosed with a mental illness they think well that means you're mentally ill that means you're all these things and I don't really see those things as true even if I do experience more distress I've heard people say that in their distress states they're actually processing distress for more than just themselves for the collective unconscious and I think I've talked about that to a lot of it's from the collective unconscious and when we become aware of it and and process it we're actually in a way healing it and he also touched on in this video that we're not supposed to go back and constantly try to heal things and process things and I feel like that's one of the reasons why I want to move on from the mental illness paradigm because if I'm always in it I'm sort of working in a paradigm of going back to those states of consciousness which for me have been reoccurring and and somewhat rare in terms of how much time I spend their versus how much time I spend in a more seemingly normal consciousness and also by doing that I'm staying on the medication maybe if I didn't work in that paradigm I wouldn't need to be on the medication and if I if I could if I could do what Matt Khan says I would say something like when I quit my job working in the peer support field may every person pathologize find freedom to create their own meaning and context to move towards and transform into their most beautiful creative and loving selves in a way that will stop the cycle of children being programmed to be other than they were naturally born to be and adults trying to program them in that way that they believe is best may we all flower into the meaning that we make in a creative and loving way so that we never stopped learning we never stop learning how to create our own meaning and share I feel like map consciousness is essential for us not to be manipulated by the meanings of society that we've been programmed to believe and not even believe is just is so fundamental in how we are that we don't know anything different and then map consciousness comes in and shows us something completely different and because it's so different it's a little bit scary at times but it's an attempt to remove the manipulations which are the contrived ways that we've been programmed to be I remember before I was first hospitalized I felt like I was existing in a dream world and that somebody close to me was not going to be in my life moving forward and I remember when I got to the hospital and and then I was diagnosed with a mental illness I sort of realized that I had to be mentally ill in order to resolve nobody else disappearing from my reality that I didn't want to so that's like a meaning I made out of it because there were so many contradictory things that were happening and in mania there are quantum leaps in meaning but they sort of come into consciousness instead of a person intentionally making the meanings what's strange is sort of like what he's doing in his head is sort of how it is in mania I'm wondering if by him doing those sorts of weird things in his head it's causing people to experience those weird quantum leaps and meaning but in in reality in a person's reality I don't know I have this weird sense that by just playing around with words in one's mind it's just creating more words out there in reality for other people to pick up on and for other people as receivers who are maybe not able start seeing all these weird quantum leaps for real in their reality I still think that it's a bit of a distraction in a way it's a way to sort of hypnotized oneself into being okay with ones shitty life I'm pretty sure you're saying your vibration has changed so then when your vibration is changed then things go better you do different things so in a way I guess it could be good i'm just not completely sold on it because again if it's taken into a pleasure reflex or one gets a certain sense when their vibration is rising one can become addicted to that sense of raising vibration and when it becomes something recognizable it's more like a memory it's more just stimulating that memory of that sensation which is similar to just saying a mantra or something like that it's in a way a bit of a form of self-hypnosis and if it is then he's selling in a way self hypnosis and since it's so hypnotizing since it feels good it's easy to sell and often I find when I am a little bit critical if you want to call it somebody i haven't mentioned that many people and I haven't been super critical but just curious about certain elements what people are doing and I don't know everything they're doing so I can't say for sure again it's just me talking to myself to unfold my own meaning I usually find out within a couple weeks what it is that that person was talking about because I've talked about Tom Luton a little bit and talked about how it's not the greatest to be able to behave in order just to go on one's crappy life but I wasn't feeling the greatest the last week or so and I definitely felt like I was able to stay in order and it was handy as opposed to maybe freaking out a little bit and then causing a bit too much unnecessary hoopla so I can see it's very beneficial and necessary but I also still feel like there might be things that I need to change in my life because I wouldn't want to always be needing to do that like it took a week off work and that's something that I would do if I'm feeling like I'm becoming disordered so he talks about having planned for when this happens well I didn't have a plan written down because this job was new but I just knew if I took a week off it'll probably help and I was able to stay in order with the other stuff I was doing even though I wasn't working and I feel a little bit better this week even though there's signs of impending disorder so what I'm saying is I can't take a week off all the time like that so if i was going into disorder the next thing to do would be to get rid of the job and also in terms of making other meanings and i talked about this in a previous video was that in a way my mental health diagnosis is a bit like a disguise because if i go into that meaning-making domain of map consciousness and then i eventually come up against meanings that are a bit scary then i'll likely be sort of medicated or or come through that crisis with some kind of medical intervention and they'll just think oh that's my mental illness so maybe it's fine if people think that it's a mental illness for me and that's when I just smile a nod and just go about whatever again and I think it's it's one thing to create the meanings of our subjective experiences and our symbols in regular consciousness and to set these big intentions as well and it's quite another to be a person that goes into map consciousness and is a pioneer of actually seeing and acting in and seeing other meanings that are actually there it's one thing to say no when i turn on my washing machine the whole planet is healed to actually being in map consciousness and going out and about and seeing something like when i would look at a person and they would change into their beautiful light body version of themselves it was quite an experience and that's an actual experiential confirmation of different meanings it's a different meaning of what it is to to look at somebody without judgement and watch them transform and come alive before one's eyes and that's powerful and to see that and to experience that and then to come back from that one is able to see how meaningless the regular monday life actually is and I think we'd all rather have this other meaning this other perception that shows us other meaning not just hypnotizing ourselves by making warm fuzzy meanings to raise our personal vibration so we can feel better about ourselves and I'm not that I know that's not all it's about I'm just being hyper critical because because I've been to a place I've been in states where some of the crap that he makes up in his head I've actually experienced and it's scary as and maybe because he is making crap up in his head and putting it out there other people are picking up on it in actual reality and I feel like with harvesting mania a person can be sort of a pioneer of the meaning because we can make other meanings most of the meanings we have our are conditioned and programmed ones or the ones that were allowed to know through science and I could make a million meanings and maybe one day they'll have confirmed ten of them by science just through random coincidence but I'm not going to just sit silent and wait 10 years for ten of what of the million things I've said to show up in a scientific paper that I may or may not read that's really boring it feels like map consciousness is the universe setting intentions for us and setting meanings for us and it might be one thing for us to create our own intentions in our mind and it might be another for us to actually be so present that we perceive meanings that the universe is trying to show us and that could have to do with this synchronicity so if we're so busy always creating our own little intentions in our head are we actually going to see what is synchronistic Lee there for us to see and it brings me back to thinking about how would a manic think and process it would create its own rules and games like an example of an intention I would set in mania though I wasn't released thinking I'm going to set an intention it's actually in mania it's like that way is the way of being it's not just a way of thinking and I'm guessing that if a person sets those intentions their way of being will change slightly so that's probably where he's going with that but for me for example I would put quarters and one dollar coins on door handles of vehicles because I thought when people saw that they would maybe smile so my intention my guess was to make people smile or I would throw some money on the ground because I somebody found it they would feel lucky so to me that's a different way of doing it like is it more powerful to put actual physical coin on the ground to make one actual person feel lucky or is it more powerful to not be creative in action and gesture but just be creative in thought and thank those things and sort of feel better in one's own personal self and it's one's personal vibration but not necessarily do anything different now he's saying that a person will naturally do different stuff but why can't we take those fun intentions that he's saying and actually do something for real not just put intentions on one's own daily mundane activities but actually devote some of those daily mundane activity time to actually really doing something in reality and maybe all the intention setting for a year is not as powerful as one smile though maybe a person setting nice intentions for a year will naturally smile more at people so it could just be the same thing in a way I feel like everything is the same thing it doesn't really matter what it is and maybe what matters is the intention and then you get back to the setting of intentions so so that's why he says the meaning we give to the symbols we subjectively perceive

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I'm reading a paper that I've had for a long time but I've never really read it and I don't read that much lately but this paper is called memes as replicators and I was just struck by something on here they're talking about memes and they use memes in terms of there can be parasitic memes which will kill the host but there aren't that many of them really and I'll probably talk about this bit again because it's very relevant to what I talk about in terms of the phenomena of autism and it says parasitic memes can be successful for a time but not for long jeans when they catch on to what's happening we'll design brains that reject parasitic means and I'm thinking about how children with autism how their brains are being designed genetically and they're rejecting language the rejecting memes and they do pick up language but they'll never really pick it up to the same extent because it's gotten to a point where even our supposedly successful memes are actually parasitic and I think we're really deluding ourselves if we think that they're healthy because the memes in general are about personal success and personal gain and seeing that as success and that can no longer be sustained so now brains are being designed to actually reject that they can't the brain actually can't absorb those memes anymore and I think that's the same thing that happens with people that go through map consciousness as that the memes are changing it's a state of experiencing all these different memes and new memes and I talked about before and videos a long time ago how there's like a pruning process that happens in this and one can experience really terrifying memes but they can be pruned off but if we don't manage to prune them sometimes we can end up harming ourselves or a lot of different things I feel in map consciousness we go outside the field of the program means the ones we are so embedded with and we see there's something else we feel free we're just free from our own linear program thought patterns and those are seen as normal but what we see as normal is actually going to destroy the planet so not only is it an individual thing and phenomena it's a pressure of the entire Gaius fear I feel and then it says symbiotic means which promote behavior adaptive to both themselves and the genes will be doubly successful in the long term for genes will design brains or epigenetic rules to be receptive to or creative of such means I think that's really important to it's saying that the genes can design brains and it can also design epigenetic rules for those means and I think that's what's happening with map consciousness that's why we can go into it epigenetic alee there's some kind of factor allowing us to go into that epigenetic space and it might only be temporary in that we don't have the nutrition I just watched a movie I think it was called red lights or something and it was about disproving telepathy and stuff it was a pretty good movie and they mentioned in the movie how we dream 27 times a night but we have this protective mechanism in our brain that makes us forget I feel like thats related to map consciousness and trans consciousness in some way it's almost like not being able to forget things so easily so they build up I think it relates to the mechanism of synchronicity somehow and I don't know how but because synchronicity in a way is a type of remembering but it's also a type of forgetting it's almost like remembering to move towards those things that feel like clues intuitively as opposed to being in the habit of remembering i talked about how we form habits in a way in order to be able to just go back into that mechanism of remembering so in a way synchronicities the opposite of habit it's almost like a remembering to go towards that which is new and we are programmed to go towards that which we recognize and that which we recognized as safe and comfortable even though it might not be necessarily good for us such as something like an abusive relationship if that's all we know that's all we can really makes alien that's all we can move towards and in a way with map consciousness it breaks that moving towards the same thing all the time and instead of moving towards a very limited range of similar things we were opened up to that huge range of different things and if we're open up to that range of different things then we could find that which we would naturally synchronize with versus actually being programmed to look for and I was looking at this memes as replicators paper again and it'll probably take me a little while to get through it but there's a part here it says in most but perhaps not all cases there is strong Darwinian selection against allowing oneself to be manipulated unpredictable even random behavior is often an advantage for an organism and I think this relates to what I was talking about in a previous video about how I feel like mania and psychosis are protective in a way because no matter how amazing some kind of philosophy or ideology or doctrine seems to be there'll always be a certain number of people going mad as it is and not really buying into whatever it is that one is attempting to be programmed into and even consensus reality is a programming it's a manipulation and so I feel like a certain number of us on a grander scale in terms of Gaia are going to resist that manipulation even if it is the best possible thing at the moment because we can't necessarily be programmed into the same thing evolution goes towards maximizing complexity and that would go for consciousness and humanity as well in terms of memes so map consciousness in a way is increasing the complexity of possible means it might actually be a mechanism for accelerating memes that I already talked about it in terms of epi mimetics and endo mimetics and where do those memes come from because this paper sort of talks about how it's a very slow process as faster than genetics mimetics faster than genetics but it's still quite slow because we're just sort of recombining memes and and I think that in map consciousness there's a huge source of new memes and I've talked about before how to is not necessarily like they're all great or they're all right or they're all correct or useful and this paper talks about how there's a selection for memes as well and and in the process of map consciousness we select for memes that sometimes get us killed or sometimes make us end our lives or make us end up in the psych ward and it seems like there's a certain theme of memes a lot of us that get pathologized have a certain array of memes or beliefs that are typical of supposed pathology but since it's so consistent in a way maybe there's something there and those things are actually somewhat maybe those are the memes that are wanting to be selected for for us to actually believe like for example that there are special messages maybe it's not super helpful to think the messages are coming from the TV but just being tuned into messages other than ego programs could be somewhat helpful and also if we think of ourselves that were some kind of hero or grandiose thing maybe that meme of us actually taking responsibility for helping the world along with altruism is something that it's a meme that's trying to be selected for there seems to be a theme of these certain meme streams that are trying to be selected for and then those are the ones that get people actually pathologize you know say there's 10 themes of the memes that are symptoms well if they're seen as symptoms they're going to be pathologized and medicated and then people will be dulled out and suppressed and numbed out but if they're seen as possibilities as potentials they could actually be dialogue with to bring them into proper context so for example maybe in a super hyper perceptive state it seems like messages are coming from the TV but that can be toned down into just being more intuitive and more of an empath and more of a highly sensitive person in terms of the those traits that highly sensitive people have and it could also be that some of these memes dreams that we have on hyper alert when we go through map consciousness are some of the ones that would naturally develop as a highly sensitive person if those were never programmed over by ego circuits which is a very limited circuit sort of dopamine pleasure pain good bad program morality of society these other lines these other so-called symptoms are almost like these are trying to be developed as more circuits of information and sensation and possibilities so I thought it was a big clue here to say that there's a strong Darwinian selection against allowing oneself to be manipulated and that's one of the things we do dislike the most is being manipulated and I think much of the societal programming is manipulation but it's sold to us as this is how it is and we go along that path until we snap in a into map consciousness and our pathologized when we've been manipulated away from our natural way of being and they talk in the paper about how their meme theory might predict its own success because it's memes about memes so to create a theory of memes with memes is going to make it seem successful and I sort of extrapolate that too if i create the highest theory and philosophizing and memes and contacts etc etc etc about map consciousness about mania and psychosis that would allow my consciousness to level up when it comes to that and then it says there's a blurb about how our brains were constructed by genes with the single-minded purpose of perpetuating themselves and that these brains are infested with means with the single-minded purpose of perpetuating themselves and I was thinking to myself I think this relates to but it doesn't say here that memes actually right genes so they're saying how there's memes that actually helped perpetuate genes and genes that helped perpetuate memes but I also think that memes right genes so memes are kind of the environment there the environment in which we're bathing our brain and that's going to change our genetic expression epigenetically as well as probably writing over jeans and writing new genes and our brains with the means just like they say well stress stress creates epigenetic changes well a lot of stress is actually just words it's talk it's worrying about things and being concerned about things and those are actually words so that is causing the stress and then that changes genetic expression as well as the actual genetic code and I was thinking too that I'm a source of memes and if memes change genes that's a way to actually change genetic expression and others or even pass along genes and even with gestures and behaviors that can help pass along genes as well so genetic reproduction as in having children is one way but just speaking memes is another way and in that way we can be contagious I like their definition of what they call a difficult meme a difficult meme is something that's difficult to teach or learn or difficult to communicate and they tend to die with the brain containing them and and many memes and animals are difficult because of lack of language I'm trying to create some language and make some of these difficult memes easier to see they say where do memes come from they arise by combination of parts of some old memes in new ways with perhaps just a jot of originality mutation and I think that a lot of the memes that come through me are quite original at least for me but there could be similar things out there and they say stressful situation seems to promote mutations in genes and means but the stress must be on the genes not just the organism thinking in terms of map consciousness and how that must stress the genome to mutate towards that maybe we haven't produced the mutations to sustain those new lines of supposed symptoms which could be gifts misunderstood and it says there's a strong selection pressure on genes to produce brains that accept or create symbiotic memes and reject bad or parasitic means I think that there's been like this artificial selection pressure created towards dopamine and personal pleasure it's almost like dopamine and I feel like map consciousness is outside the field of program means and it's in a field of selecting new memes it's like a freedom from all those old memes and now one is selecting new memes and I think that's very important for the evolution of consciousness and our understanding of what it means to be human and it says symbiotic memes which promote behavior adaptive for both themselves and the genes will be doubly successful in the long term for genes will design brains or epigenetic rules to be receptive or creative of such memes so somehow it seems that these difficult memes of map consciousness they're difficult to learn and understand and communicate even within oneself need to become symbiotic memes there is a selection pressure on genes to alter the memes environment so as to push difficult memes upward into the symbiotic category so they can be shared among relatives and so people have these map consciousness experiences and have all these memes and they try to share them but since other people haven't experienced that and seeing things that way they don't understand and they pathologize that it's sort of like a person going to California and coming back and telling their doctor about California and all of how it looked like and then the doctor says well there's no such thing as California but the doctor has a picture of California and since you're describing what the doctor sees in the picture of California aka a textbook they're saying well you are hallucinating because you're seeing this picture described in this textbook but the doctors never been there at themselves so it doesn't make any sense it's like new neural pathways trying to be created but then they get pathologized and it's all congruent with literature it's like the same thing my voice is a little off today I'm in a different place right now my if I didn't label it bad it wouldn't be a bad place at all it's not the same as being super productive and able to work I feel more hyper sensitive to noise I feel like I don't want to live in this location anymore that's so noisy i came across the word g no toxins in this epigenetics guide and I feel like words orgy no toxins in a way because they can change our genetic expression and I think map consciousness is a different perceptual nutrient there's memes that are meaningful and those are sort of a nutrient those memes that are meaningful have epigenetic effects so in a way they are a nutrient and they change the way that we metabolize and utilize nutrients and we need to assimilate those nutrients those meme nutrients and a lot of the memes and mania are quite euphoric and healing and comes often at a time when we desperately need that and dr. David Bowen wrote a paper on soma significance and I haven't really thought too much about it but it reminds me of sort of perception and DNA in that DNA is somatic its physical and then perception is sort of meaningful and so that meaning can be transformed into matter and matter can be transformed back into meaning in that perception DNA interaction in that epigenetic exchange and epi mimetic exchange as well and I was thinking too they were talking about in magic tricks how much of it is just diverting our attention and I was thinking about how the world and how we're programmed with thought diverts our attention away from how magic the world is and when we decouple from that we see wow the world is so magical and then we need to be pathologized and medicated in order to no longer believe that the world is a beautiful magical place so the ways that we've been programmed is actually a magic trick to get us diverted away from magic so it's actually a programming is tricking us away from the magic I remember what I wanted to do originally with these videos is make videos for a year and then as they start to come up on the one year mark make a second video about the video like watch the video here later and make a video about that video or I could also make a video about that video make a video about that video and also talk about life one year later and build on that context thing my first videos were in june of this year so June 2016 so once i get to june 2017 that i can start doing the parallel video

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