SUMMARY KEYWORDS

consciousness, manic, talk, create, part, brain, embodied, universe, ego, feel, bipolar, state, oneness, prefrontal cortex, mania, living, deficits, entropy, thought, problem

I feel it's maybe important that since in the state of mania, one feels like everything is one, that it would be important to design a society that keeps that in mind or in heart. Because I think it fizzles out because eventually that energy where everyone and everything is one wears off, because it's not actually reflected that way. In reality in the material world, one can go into that state in consciousness and feel that in consciousness, and if one was there long enough, one might be able to create that. And I think it can be created to some extent in, in daily life. Because again, all this talk about manic consciousness and embodied mania and harvesting mania isn't about being in that state of consciousness. It's about embodying those types of behaviors and, and joyousness. It's one thing to be propelled into those sorts of behaviors and joyousness, because that type of chemical is made endogenously, for whatever reason. Or however it works. It could work in a multitude of ways. What I'm trying to say is by embodying that in regular consciousness, it will be practiced in the neurology and the physiology in a daily life way in the sort of daily life embodied way. And I think it's something even, quote unquote, normal people can do is that one day, normal people will be looking to that state and how people are in that state in order to figure out how to be in life. Because it can be created internally, and one can act that way. Or one can act that way. And it'll be created internally. So a lot of times the universe will do the internal creation for us in order to give us that kind of clue. could think of it as a game. And then it's a matter of having that state of oneness inform one's life instead of going back to the state of thinking in order to inform one's life. And I'm going to try and put this somewhat to the test myself. And in that Ted Talk with that woman, she said, her father said, if there's a problem, and no solution, then you've got to create this solution. And you also have to figure out exactly what the problem is. And the trouble partly is that, I guess I don't really know what the problem is. Part of the problem could be that reality is just too dealt. And so the universe comes in and tries to make it more interesting. Even if one is in the exact same place, they always are all sudden, so interesting. Well, that's a cool game. A lot of us feel like life is meaningless. And then the universe comes in and shows us. Wow, there's meaning everywhere. And perhaps that's part of the thing is that it's a matter of adopting the attitude that the universe would have us have, no matter what. be joyous and loving and spontaneous and curious and playful. That might have been why I was thriving when I was working in that medical clinic because I was just that and not trying to do anything in particular sort of being as the universe would want me to be. And that does everything. So I guess in a way that's back to the whole idea of being versus doing I think that's part of it is that mania is a state of being. And then everything just happens. miraculous miraculously, part of the self dial of two must be creating neuroplastic changes in my brain over self dialog, sort of creating those channels where I can talk to myself really easily. And maybe one day, I'll be able to talk with other people. And I think that if there is information coming out of my body and out of my nervous system, due to changes in entropy, or changes in consciousness are however it works. By talking to myself in this way, I'm actually maybe creating more neural networks for that energy to go, creating more channels for the energy to go. And even by talking myself on that entropy, the words, the information, the dialogue is going from my nervous system into technology, and sort of putting my electrons out there. I actually feel like manic consciousness, damages areas of the brain that are over emphasize, we don't need them as much anymore. And it shows that we can exist. without all of that we can exist, not living in abstraction, we're all living in the abstractions of our minds, we're not actually living in reality. And manic consciousness comes in and shuts down those abstractions. And we're living in actuality and reality. And we're, we're in awe, and we're amazed. And so those areas shut down and other areas are trying to activate. And then we're thought to have defective brains, or like the prefrontal cortex has been damaged and is shrinking. While we're supposed to have a different part of the brain growing to compensate, but it can't grow. When our ego is glued back together with, with chemicals, trying to create the circuits of oneness that's trying to create more relational circuits. And it could actually, because we have less and less relationship in the world, and more interfacing with technology, just like I am right now. And somebody else in a TED talk said the brain changes depending on what happened to it. And that's what neuroplasticity is, well imagine manic consciousness happening to a brain while it's going to change for sure. I think the brain turns into an altruistic brain. And again, then it's just turned into a personal medical problem, and the person doesn't actually have a chance to engage those aspects of the brain that were coming online. And I think bipolar is neuroplasticity turned back on, when it turns on everything seems interesting. And I think part of that is always seeing in a new way. taking so many different perspectives, and I think that's part of it is, is we can see possibilities we can see potential, and we can see things that are implicit and we can extrapolate. We can see in so many different ways. We're not just seeing from our limited ego perspective. And part of that power of now level of consciousness that Shawn Blackwell talked about, is taking other people's perspectives or taking other perspectives. So I feel like instead of being an ego, we become a perspective taker. And we empathize and we can see exactly the scenario and situation we are in. And that's one of the reasons why consciousness goes like this is because if we see something sad, we feel sad. We see something happen with IBM, we're going up and down, up and down. And I think that's part of it is Krishna already talks about the brain being infinitely pliable. And I think that's what happens with bipolar is that we really become one with whatever is arising in the moment. And it could maybe get more difficult with time because we're not used to operating in that mode. We're not used to operating As I am what arises in the moment, if there's something painful going on, I'm going to feel that pain. And if there's something joyous going on, I'm going to feel that joy, I'm not going to be blocking whatever it is that I'm in with my mind by thinking and abstracting, and, and judging and labeling. When we label something, we don't actually feel the situation, because we've already pre judged it. We're saying, I know what this is. For one, we're completely vulnerable in bipolar. And map consciousness, we're always making new maps of things. And maybe we're just infinitely mapping and we can't actually make a map in which to reference something. And that could be part of the thing that eventually we get kind of tired. And we're like, well, I want a reference point through which to view life in order to actually be able to separate myself from feeling so much. And I think that's what the ego does. It protects us from actually feeling if if people didn't have egos, this place would be kind of chaotic for a long period of time. I think that could be part of the problems, how to be that vulnerable. I feel vulnerable, because I have some pretty crazy ideas and thoughts about mental health. I could think of it as brain damage induced by the universe. So then we'll figure out how to be an act totally differently to make different circuits come online. Somebody else wants to manifest through us. Otherwise, it would just be easy to just do a couple jumping jacks and then all of a sudden, we're back to ourselves or something. Part of the question is how to create that oneness. And I think gestures are one of the easiest ways because they're pretty universal. And I wrote down the question, What does consciousness want me to do? And then I wrote down share this consciousness. I think manic consciousness is a gift. So the question might be how to embody that. And I think there's a clue in the word manic men. I see. I think everything on Earth. That's what people would want the most. And it's the opposite of the noise of the ego and the prefrontal cortex. And I've talked about how so much in life is about getting that prefrontal cortex to be quiet, whether it's meditation, yoga, deep breathing, extreme sports. Everyone wants that flow. And what is that flow sort of flow of consciousness instead of stream of thoughts? And what is that consciousness? When we are, when we are that consciousness, we are it, then we become what we were looking for this whole time. But we can't see that we are what we're looking for, because we're busy talking about what we're looking for. So it's really messed up. What if each moment is exactly what we're looking for. And imagine consciousness each moment is fulfilling in and of itself. So I feel like we can go from seeing ourselves as having a day effect, to having a gift. Maybe there's defects and things that are shutting down the prefrontal cortex in different areas that are not as needed for a new society. Maybe they're valuable in the way societies designed, but that society is leading people to be depressed and feel like life is meaningless and all these things. And then this change in consciousness happens to us to show us another way of seeing, it's just showing us another way of seeing, we either see through the ego, or we see through this other consciousness, which shows us infinite learning and infinite perspective, taking what we're always learning and never going back into memory. There'll be an ego. The ego is the one that remembers in reference to the ego. But if there's no remembering, maybe there's no ego. I guess another problem might be how to keep consciousness associated to this body. And I think I talked about how looking at myself when I'm editing the video, because I don't look at myself really when I'm talking stuff to look at the dot. But when I'm editing, I see myself that might actually help with dissociation. And it might help with forgetfulness. And again, I think I said, That's why I like these videos is because they're just something in and of themselves, all I have to remember for doing a video is the one notepad typed up thing that I have for my list of thoughts that I want to talk about with myself, and then just setting up the phone, and then just remembering to edit it and then put it on YouTube. And then it's all done. And, and that's the extent of my memory right now, in terms of information processing. I have a lot of old notebooks that I get go over at some point, if I, if I get their thing, there's some weird ideas. But sometimes in the past, I write a lot when I'm in a higher state, and I'm writing things that are positive statements like everything is one. And so I don't know, that might be better for like a journal book thing, I guess, in terms of creating oneness is it would be great if other people might want to be one neuro tribe over having gifts, rather than deficits. And I think some of the deficits some of the suppose a deficit would be overcome by becoming a neuro tribe. Because I think the universe wants us to put our brains together in order to create something. It can't really be created by one brain. And when we're in that state, and we think we can do it ourselves, we can save the world or we're here to whatever we're missing the fact that we, as one human being can't literally physically do everything required in order for things to change. But what is required is that we see things the same way that we think together about things. Because if we see that same thing, we're going to create something can be ruined. Right now, we're being told to see the same thing about having deficits. And and, and most of us have bought into it. So yeah, altruism, joy. It's interesting how in the state of man of consciousness, I don't need these concepts. If I was in that consciousness, like I was the very first time I would just be out there doing whatever. I wouldn't need to really think about it. But I think that's part of the harvest. Practice embody the world as it is right now isn't comfortable with Mannix. But if we can be in regular consciousness and act a bit manic and then pull ourselves back from that consciously. Maybe eventually we'll create a world where it's safe to be that happy for no reason. But just to celebrate being alive. I also put my name down for a talk by David Stefan of EMP truehope products in late January. I'm hoping to ask him more about if I'm able to come off my meds with EMP and if I can get on board with promoting the product if I am able to come off of it off of my meds and I also booked an appointment to see this lady I know who does live blood cell analysis. She has a new method doing hair testing. So I thought I'd book an appointment just to see if she had any other information to tell me about my health. So yeah, lots of exciting changes, continuing to do. conscious self sabotage happiness first manic lifestyle design.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

consciousness, mania, bipolar, life, feel, state, brain, part, energy, universe, manic, people, glial cells, neurons, learning, create, prefrontal cortex, happening, exercises, oneness

I think part of it is getting back to focusing on the positive aspects, I've been focusing on the negative because I work in mental health, and there's a lot of negative stuff going on. I think I could talk about that for years. And there's positive stuff too, of course. But I feel like I want to focus on the gifts and and one of the gifts is this hyper learning, and what does this hyper learning want to learn? And move towards? And is there a sustainable way to be in that consciousness. And I actually feel like manic consciousness is the new consciousness. It's playful, it's joyous. And if you look at the scale of consciousness by Dr. David Hawkins, those are the higher states of consciousness, and our brain goes there. But it's difficult to actually stay there. Because Ken Wilber talks about how states are temporary. And you can, you can by states of consciousness, you can be in a state a high state just by taking some kind of illicit drug. Whereas the stages are actually earned. So how do we embody our mania and harvest our mania and move towards practicing it to actually get to the stage of joy and playfulness and love, not just having that as a state? The state, we get a lot of times just organically through our own endogenous bio molecules, it's all we can create them ourselves. And it's a matter of I think it's a matter of how do we design our life? That is that joyful? that we're creating those biomolecules endogenously automatically. And that's part of manic lifestyle design. How do we design our life? Because when we're in that consciousness, we act in different ways. We're random or spontaneous, we're creative, we're playful, how do we design our life to just be that way. And then we're, we're almost earning that state, by creating our life in that way. And by creator creating our life in that way, we're actually in alignment with the universe and what the universe would want for us. The universe doesn't want us to be habitual, programmed, robotic drums. It wants us to be one with life. And I was listening to a talk by Eckhart totally and somebody asked, What's the significance or what's the point of mental illness or something and, and he sort of, was beating around the bush for a while. And then he actually talked about it in terms of suffering, because his things about how suffering leads to awakening, or it can. And then something he did talk about, was that it's all one life, it's all one consciousness. It's not separate, like, it's not my life and your life, it's just life. So I liked that reminder of, of the whole oneness thing, it's life. And I think that's what actually happens when we go into manic consciousness is we're just one with life. Like, that's actually the energy of life. That's the energy that feeds the plants. That's the energy that feeds all creatures on earth. But we've sort of separated ourselves from that life energy by by thinking. And I think in the end, we all get returned to that life energy, because it is just one life. It's like, I'm life and somebody else's life, and we're interacting, well, are we interacting based on the principles of life? Are we interacting based on these rules of thought that we've created with our dividing minds to keep ourselves separate? And I was thinking about how lately I've been struggling with some so called anxiety. And I haven't really created any stories in my mind about it. So I felt it mostly as pain in my body. And then sometimes I'll have a little bit of a story come up as to what it could be related to, and it could be something from years ago or now or, or whenever. And what I'm thinking though, is usually I don't feel this kind of anxiety. I go into a state of terror pretty quickly and then I dissociate and then I end up in the psych ward. And it's a pretty quick process of like a week or a few days. But it seems like instead I've been feeling physical pain or sort of emotional pain. In that little bit of a story comes up, I have a sense of when that is from. So I'm feeling the Forex sensation and feeling when it's from instead of being in terror, quickly dissociating, and having no sense of the time, and where things are coming from, it just feels like terror. And, and that means that things are coming to an end for me right now. So it feels like it's drawn out. So by not maybe tumbling down into the very low states of consciousness so quickly, maybe in so low states, but they're, they're painful, but they're manageable, as opposed to, maybe that's part of the things, the lower states are so painful, that my consciousness can't manage it. So then I dissociate from myself, and I can't, I can't remain myself. And also to, I don't take any extra medication for these pains are these feelings of anxiety, whereas if I go into those extremes, dates, and I dissociate, I end up in the psych ward on extra medication. So I'd rather not take the extra medication and just feel it. I might have already talked about that stuff, because I got lost on my list here. I was thinking about the evolution of consciousness, and why would we go backwards in consciousness? Why would we go down the scale of consciousness, if generally, in life, our body grows bigger, and we don't grow smaller. And, and as we mature, emotionally, usually just sort of gets a little bit more evolved over time. Usually, or, or learning we learn more and more, and that sort of increases our capacity to learn. But it seems like consciousness, it doesn't happen that way. So I could get to a high level of consciousness and then go back down. And I'm wondering if it's sort of because that consciousness isn't ours, it's not personal. It's not my consciousness, that sort of consciousness being expressed through me. So consciousness can change its expression through me depending on how things go. And I almost think it's sort of like breathing. Like we breathe in, we breathe out. And the same with consciousness, we can we go up and down consciousness, especially for people who are in bipolar And in a way, people who are in consciousness of bipolar, sort of more of a barometer of the planet, because we can go up and down consciousness so readily, and it's showing that we're not actually we're not actually our personalities, we are consciousness and are going up and down, and being breathed by consciousness in a way. And I think part of it too, is that when we're caught in that habitual lifestyle, and then consciousness comes in as bipolar and starts breathing us. We're trying to find where we want to actually settle into a different lifestyle, not in that habitual lifestyle. So normally recoveries, to get us back into some kind of habit. Similar to our past habits, whereas this energy is wanting us to live in a completely different way. Living in a life that is beyond habit, because this consciousness is going to come in and disrupt whatever it is we're trying to habitually do. So that would be like trying to climb a wave versus actually just surfing a wave. And so I think part of it is getting with that wave. And just as far out in the beginning of a wave, it's like this huge wave as it gets closer to the shore. It's a very light wave. So I think even though it starts, we're breathing up like this sort of like big waves. Eventually, as it gets to the shore, we probably will even out but that's as long as we're actually going with the wave like where is this wave trying to take us? I think is trying to wave us out of our personality for one. And that's another thing what I was watching that video about learning or neuroplasticity. manic consciousness definitely wants to learn. And it definitely wants to be creative. And not just creative in one little aspect. It wants to be creative in all of life. So how can one make every moment creative act? And since it is a learning process, and it sort of wants this overstimulation, well what kind of overstimulation because the manic energy makes everything overstimulating. And I think part of it has to do with just harvesting mania, going back to that experience, and, and trying to recall, and remember, the rules, the unseen rules, the unwritten rules, it's sort of like giving us a map to this game, seeing how it really works. And then coming back, if we could actually harness that. That might be really powerful, because most people think it works in this linear, logical reductionist way. But I think it works in a different way. And if I think about it, we're in sort of the Age of Reason, and, and Shawn Blackwell talks about spiral dynamics, and the levels of evolution of a worldview and how there's the modern postmodern. And then I think he calls the last one the power of now. way. And the power of now level, he talks about how people will be at this high level of consciousness, but they see there's a place for all levels of consciousness. It's it's not just about trying to get everyone to be this higher level of consciousness, but honoring all levels. And I feel like for example, I'm a vegetarian. But I'm not the kind of vegetarian that feels like everybody should be a vegetarian. I had, if somebody else wants to eat meat, that's whatever. So to me, that would be kind of like a power of now. level of consciousness, because I'm not trying to push my ways on other people. That doesn't help. If other people want to become vegetarian one day cool. I've been vegan and then not vegan. I've been, I've been vegan and then vegetarian. And, and maybe one day, I'll eat meat for some reason, I can't imagine that I will. But I can't say for sure that I want. And part of that level two would be seeing that the mental health paradigm has its place as well. I don't feel like I want to work in it for very much longer but but it does have its place it does help some people it has helped me doesn't mean that I don't want to transcend it because I do want to transcend it. And I think part of transcending it is actually getting with learning what this energy wants me to learn, and stepping into that it's wanting brains to take a certain other function and and when I think about that, when I get back to thinking about that, I think about Dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness and how after the level of reason, is actually the level of I think it's love or joy. It could be love and then joy, or just love and enjoy, but I actually feel like when I was in mania, I was in the level of joy, because it actually talks about the sort of oneness of consciousness and how I think actually that level of life is love and joy and there's oneness, like, everything just feels like that joy, every person one meets feels like that joy and one can almost experience that person in that level of joy. And that could be the trouble is that being in that level of consciousness, it's like being in oneness and bringing everyone up to that. But it can only last for so long, because that's not actually the collective resonance of how how life is. So then one sort of gets shot in the other direction in order to compensate. And I think it's not that one can't get back, I think one can get back there. But it's a matter again, of earning it through embodied mania, earning those stages versus waiting for the states to come. Because the states aren't earned. And, and I think the way one earns it is actually earning it, neuro plastically, neurologically, from epigenetics to DNA to glial cells to neurons to, to everything, it has to be really embedded in the neurophysiology. And if you can imagine that, if a person is just a producer, and creator of joy, and just joyful, joyful, joyful, that whole body's going to vibrate with that. But if one gets into that state of joy through mania, and has never been there before, it only makes sense that it's not going to last forever. And sort of it's sort of like lays the foundation of, of some of the neural pathways, but we have to actively build on those neural pathways. And that could be the learning. It's the mania is the learning of the universe that gives us that blueprint. And then it says, Hey, now, now, what are you going to do with this blueprint, and most of us have our, our blueprint crumpled up and thrown away, and, and our brains and our neural pathways medicated in preventing that from happening again. But I think it's important to actually embody one's mania. And I think that's why also altruism as, as part of the healing process is very important. I talked about that paper by Dr. Roger Walsh that says, services need to be redesigned to have altruism, one of the first steps like even when a person is still suffering to help other people. And I think that's part of the magic consciousness, lifestyle. Design is just going out and being randomly helpful and kind. And if I, if I wonder about if I curious about all I have to do is just remember how I was in that state? And why am I not being that way? now. I think going backwards in consciousness is actually a release in entropy in a way. That's like information is released. Whereas in higher states of consciousness, we're able to sort of integrate everything, it's it's sort of everything is one, it's made part of us as we go. Whereas when we come back down, we see ourselves again, as separate and see all this information. And that extra information coming out could actually be part of some of the hallucinations and the delusions and the fear, because we're sort of withdrawn from that state of oneness. And now, from that state of one, there's the many and there's more information coming out. And I think that's part of what's important with coming down to those lower states of consciousness is that it's not really meant as a punishment or anything, but it's meant to show us what it is that we're here to work for, which is to eliminate and alleviate a lot of that suffering that we have to experience within our consciousness because a lot of it that we experienced within our consciousness is not even our own suffering. It's all this extra suffering where they where the heck did this come from? This is so extreme. Well, somebody out there is feeling them. So, again, it's like our own internal compass. It's not to me about recovering one's own personal endeavor. You're all little life. In bipolar we go from feeling oneness, to separateness, to oneness to separateness. Well, how do we feel more of that oneness? How do we create more of that oneness? How do we be that oneness for other people. So we're used to having this consistent personality, but consciousness is actually an oscillation. It's an up and down, because it's just one consciousness. It's not every person has their own consciousness. It's impersonal. And the ego makes things personal. And that's why consciousness comes in and breaks up the ego, and shows us that life isn't personal. It can be very joyous when we don't make it such a personal thing. Earlier today, before I watched that TED talk about neuroplasticity, the woman who healed a major deficit in her brain that she was told she would have for life. I wrote that I really want to help people get their 25 years back, and not just get 25 years back, but see that they have gifts, and that this process is evolutionary, and it's non personal. And we actually have a huge responsibility to, to come together as a neuro tribe to actually help the world, we actually need to help people who think they need to help us. So it's not necessarily about recovering from having a mental illness it's be it's, it's recovering from being labeled as defective. Because just as this woman was able to solve her problem in her brain by just doing a couple of exercises, we might be able to solve our suppose of brain problems by doing a couple of exercises, and I think some of them are random acts of kindness and spontaneous social behaviors, and, and a lot of the things that we're actually doing in mania, but actually doing those consciously with our own will, without the extra energy and help from the universe and not waiting for the universe, to kick us in the butt. Part of what I want to do has something to do with bipolar, Siena's limitation, it's seen as defective. And, and I feel like there's just sort of a missing piece of the puzzle that if we knew it would actually be seen as, as desirable. Just like this lady who was able to do certain exercises in terms of some kind of activity she designed to get her brain to sort of spark on what is it that would make the bipolar brain spark on and actually find some kind of harmony with this world. Because usually, when I've had a crisis of some kind, I'm actually close to thriving. And that could be part of it actually is getting to the upper limits of consciousness. Consciousness throws me back into the mud to say, Oh, you have a lot more to learn. And then I think, well, what would it want me to learn? Seems that wants me to learn about human suffering. And this woman, she changed her brain by doing some kind of exercises that she designed to help that area of her brain. And if a woman can do that, of course, the universe can come in and change our brains with the energy of the universe. If a human can just sit down and go to through through and then then you're, over time change their brain while the universe can come and go and change the brain to and I actually feel like bipolar and these other things that happen to people is actually new cognition. So they talk about cognition and pre cognition. I think this is actually new cognition. This is consciousness evolution. And it's a type of processing we don't fully understand. And I watched another talk this man was so Talking about how the brain is 10% neurons and 90% glial cells, and how the glial cells are much more important than then is ever said or thought. And I actually think that they talk about how flow was transient hypofrontality, the prefrontal cortex turns off, and then all of a sudden, we're more in the present moment, and all these great things, well, it could be shifting more to the glial cells, maybe neurons are actually more like scar tissue than actual, you know, maybe, maybe glial cells, or actually being one with life. It's, it's a mirror of exactly what's out there. And being one with that in the moment, whereas the neurons are thinking about stuff. And I think that the universe wanted us to create all of these structures we have now, but now it's like, Okay, it's time for the prefrontal cortex to shut down, we've created enough to fast, and it's time for it to shut down, and it's shutting it down in a lot of brains, and we're switching to these glial cell processes. And then, and then the brains that are neuron dominant are actually thinking that this is pathology, this happening. But it's actually I think, evolutionary because we don't really need to be abstracting about reality as much now as actually just being one with reality and what we've created and actually enjoying it and being joyful. And I think that's partly what happens in in bipolar is that there's that there's a hypofrontality, that prefrontal cortex abstracting about stuff shuts down, and one is just one with the creative process and being creative, for no particular reason except to be joyous and celebrate. So it's kind of like this time now to sort of enjoy the fruits of the labors of humanity and all the generations before us, and actually slow down, but, but our brains are so programmed into that progress, progress, progress, that we don't really actually enjoy the progress that we've made. And I think that's why the universe is shutting down the prefrontal cortex and, and starting to create different brains. And that's the thing that is consciousness that directs all of this. We can go well, there's DNA, this and DNA that Yeah, that's true to a certain extent. But consciousness is more fundamental than that. Yeah, so new cognition, and it's just a type of processing that we don't understand. And I felt it in the past as information overload. And I'm wondering, too, if this process of self dialog could help with information overload, in that, at least, then I'm speaking, I'm giving voice to some of the information that goes through me. And in that way, sort of making it manifest, instead of sort of having it swirling around inside of me and having to play with my energy through the entropic process. And so it's actually making it manifests instead of just having things always swirling around. Because if manic consciousness is part of the learning process, then by speaking to myself, I'm helping myself learn and integrate what I've learned, and, and part of the learning is to not accumulate and just sort of release it and, and go on to the next thing. And in that way, perhaps, this change in consciousness, which I feel could have something to do with entropy with information, there's the change in consciousness is what releases information from, from the body or wherever it's stored. And then we have access to that information in consciousness and, and going down to the lowest levels of consciousness, we have access to information from those low, low levels of consciousness, especially when we're actually in the bipolar process, because then we're actually more identified with that consciousness than we are with the present moment in our body. So then we have more access to the other information. And it breaks us out of habit. And that's one of the reasons why I feel it's important to not live in habit. So all these things a man in consciousness does, it's important to design into one's Life consciously by our own freewill. Because in mania sometimes the scary part is we feel like we don't have any control. And then when we get control back, we just go back to our own ways, we don't actually listen to what that energy was trying to tell us and not just tell us, show us through making us act certain ways physically. And then, you know, some people hear voices, there's all these different levels of consciousness of the universe trying to communicate with us, and give us some other form of compass then it's like an intuitive compass. And it's a different compass than the one that we're used to from our own ego consciousness. It's those ones, our voice, our own voice, for our own ego, consciousness. Those are all things we got from the outside. Somebody else told us something or media or school or conditioning, we don't listen to what's happening on the inside. And then no wonder sometimes the Inside Energy takes us over and moves us and animates us in ways that are so good in some ways, and then some we don't really want and then when we get out of that energy, we can actually choose because we see we have more degrees of freedom than we originally thought.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So today is day two of taking one capsule of EMP. I think I've had a little bit less anxiety today. Today, it's kind of sunny out, or at least it was. So I decided to take a Kia Soul for a test drive. Because right now I have a 1992 Toyota Corolla. And that's definitely not going to get me to California. So I'm not sure if I'll be driving a new vehicle, driving my Corolla, taking an airplane or a train. Right now my car has a broken driver's side, outside door handle. So I either have to leave the car open a crack, or climb in the passenger side Batman style. And I don't mind leaving an open a crack. But if it's a hill, then the door actually stays open too far. So I have to lock it, I have to close it. And once I click it, it's, it's in the passenger door for me. And I backed up a few boxes today. As I'm hoping to get everything of my staff my personal stuff into my second bedroom. And I still haven't officially quit my job. But I'll have to deal with that in the next couple of days. Because it's official, I am going to go to California. And after tomorrow and already even could be by today, but I'll say for sure January 1, it'll have been the longest that I've managed to stay out of the psych ward, since I started having relapses. So I had three so called relapses. And it'd be the longest I've managed to not have a relapse. And part of it could be because of this self dialog stuff. I was watching some TED talks today. And one of them. It wasn't particularly interesting, somebody's talking about their experience of bipolar disorder. But one thing she said was having somebody to talk to about it. And and in this process, I at least have myself to talk to you about it. And then I watched another TED talk that says that the best predictor of happiness and, and longevity and things like that. His relationships are having satisfying and meaningful relationships. I actually think that it might be owning a bad day. I just got mine hooked up today, it was a Christmas present. And I haven't tried it yet. I'm a little bit afraid of the cold water, it'll be like Yikes. But I'm actually thinking that they're gonna have to rewrite their 75 year study and say that the actual best predictor of happiness is having a bad day, which is a bump sprayer that goes on your toilet. But second, would definitely be relationships. And I have some really good relationships in my life. Though I would love to be able to have more. Maybe it's not even just relationships, but relating because I did the best when I was living in community mental health community. And then after that I was working in a medical office and there was just a lot of people coming in a lot of relating even though I didn't have super close long term friendships with people there that I did a lot of relating. I was thinking about gestures again today because I was thinking about how even something as simple as letting somebody in in traffic and then they give a wave. It's a gesture. It's a stranger giving a gesture. But in that moment, both people are on the same page. Both people are related. There's this giving and receiving. So one person's giving the gesture the other person's receiving the gesture. And in that moment in that give and receive It's just one relationship is just one thing. It's one consciousness, it's to suppose that individual consciousnesses meeting in this relationship in that both understand what that means. And I think that is sort of the key to oneness, in a way. Because if I'm having a conversation with somebody, and we're talking back and forth and say we're just arguing about opinions, it's two separate things. There's no actual communication there. But the true communication happens when one person is giving the other receiving and both actually know what it means. And that's when to sort of become one. And I think the ability to do that is what's really powerful. And I think that's part of those human dimensions, those inner human dimensions. And it's part of even being playful. being playful like that, both people have to get it. And so what I'm trying to say is that a lot of times in conversations, we're not actually communicating because one person is only holding on to their own stuff. And we're not seeing the same thing together. At the same time. Krishnamurti calls that thinking together when we both see the same thing at the same time. And I feel that's more difficult to do with words. But I think it happens when we are playful, or when we have this gesture. So if I give a gesture of, of a hug, we both kind of know what that means. And, and some people maybe don't want the hugs, they don't receive it. And then maybe they receive it, but not actually receive the gesture of it, they're more thinking that they don't like it, which happens. But what I'm saying when both people see in this given receive in the same realm moment together, then there's that togetherness. And I think those micro moments of togetherness are what are important. And that's part of the whole random acts of kindness and the kind gestures. Even if a person doesn't need the gesture, they still get the intention of the gesture. And if they're receiving the intention of the gesture, it's like the same thing as receiving the gesture. So maybe that's part of the placebo, too, is that there's the intention of the pill and a person takes the sugar pill, the intention of the pill, is to have this healing fact, even though it's a sugar pill. But both the giver of the pill and the receiver of the pill, know that the intention of the pill is to to heal some certain thing. And so it has a healing effect, just like a kind gesture, even though somebody doesn't end up meeting the door held for them, they still receive that kindness. I'm just really thinking about when our minds really meet. I was driving to the dealership today. And somebody had stopped before an intersection in order to let someone out of a driveway. And I noticed that so I stopped to even though I was in the lane over and they could have just gone into the curb lane. But since I stopped to the person did end up driving in front of me. And they the person waved at me and the other person that stopped so and then when that person waved I, I felt I felt good. I felt like oh, I stopped and they did want to go in this lane. So that was that was helpful. And and then the person on their car pulled in front of mine, they had one of those little Jesus fish and I was like, yeah, that was Jesus doing it for you. And I don't mean that in a condescending way I was just like, in a way that was sort of Christ Consciousness looking out for each other and treating each other how we would like to be treated. So it was sort of to me symbolic, because this person obviously was a person of faith. And and they receive the gesture kindly and and it made me feel good as well. And then it just was a little funny that there was the the Jesus fish there. I was watching another TED talk about glial cells and, and their possible connection to mood disorders. The reason I'm just thinking of this is because I've always sort of wondered, well, how does fish oil help with psychosis because there's studies that Fish Oil is, is good for psychosis. It's it's good prevention, it's good as as to keep it from reoccurring. There are studies about that. It's actually on document. I don't know if I talked about it, but there's a document about the different stages of psychosis and, and in the earlier stages of psychosis, it's good to take fish oil. I'm just wondering if fish oil has a role in helping with glial cells somehow. I don't know if that's true. But they definitely say that fish oil helps to repair the hippocampus, which has to do with the fork sensation, and things like that. And then I watched another TED talk, and it was talking about neuroplasticity. And this lady who she had a problem with her brain her whole life. And when she was 25, she learned about neuroplasticity, and developed certain exercises for her brain to repair that area. And when she was able to do that, also, then she could tell time, and then all of a sudden, she could read philosophy, whereas the her whole life, she had no comprehension of what so ever It was like gibberish to her. And I was sort of thinking about how I was talking about neuroplasticity before. And I have this feeling like I have to go back and watch some of my videos to sort of remember what I was even talking about, because I don't know. And also to maybe re extrapolate some of it, I don't know. But she was talking about how she was able to repair that area of her brain that she was born with having a deficit in. And there was another person she came across who had the same deficit, but because of a gunshot wound. So she was born with it. And then once she learned how to, once you learn where the problem was exactly, she learned how to develop exercises in order to get that part to pretty much repair. And I've already talked about how I think there's neuroplasticity in bipolar. But what got me thinking was that that even if there are some kind of deficits or brain damage that occurred during the process of mental illness, neuroplasticity says that it can be fixed and healed. And I know there's things like cognitive behavioral therapy, but that's not exactly the same thing as as this neural plasticity thing, and maybe it's because they've never really identified exactly where or damaged, though they do show things that are going on with the prefrontal cortex, which I feel the prefrontal cortex is more just noise anyway. So to me, part of the neuroplasticity of bipolar or mental illness is to shut down the areas of the brain that are overactive. That and it's possible it does that in order to conserve energy for these new areas of the brain to turn on again. And I talked about these atrophied circuits that we have, and how we over rely on our prefrontal cortex. And then so eventually, that sort of short circuits and part of Elise in the bipolar process, all these other circuits come online and, and everything seems so new. And I actually feel like neuroplasticity in general is is shut down by our habitual ways of being. And the ways we've been taught that learning is memorizing. And so I've talked about how I feel like this manic energy in this energy is trying to reignite the brain in order to learn again, well, what is learning? It's neuroplasticity, that's what's required. So alert, learning is synonymous with neuroplasticity. And so I feel like in that manic consciousness, all this neuroplasticity is happening all this new growth or this reactivation of old circuits. And when that's when the environments not supporting that, those sort of, they're attempting to turn on and they just go, again, because somebody is received and sort of medicated into submission. And I think those areas of the prefrontal cortex go offline in favor, like these abstracting of old things and regurgitating old information that goes offline, in favor of newness and learning and we're in this hyper learning state. But the environment isn't such, like I talked about. It's not designed for people to remain in that type of consciousness. And one of the TED Talks I was watching, I think it was the same lady. They talked, she talked about how, how rats in very stimulating environments learn faster. So I feel like manic consciousness puts the brain into a state where the environment is overstimulating, in order to facilitate learning. So, for me, I remember six years ago, when I got back from California, I looked around my same old neighborhood, my same old house, my same old everything, and everything felt new. And everything felt fresh, and everything felt possible, and everything felt like I could see how something could be designed into something really cool. And I felt very creative. Whereas Normally, I would just feel like normal, I would have been adapted to most things. So all of a sudden, my brain was no longer adapted to my situation. So it turns, the brain turns into a hyper learning device. And everything seems so interesting, and, and creative. In order for the brain to learn, I think those two sort of things happening are one in the same, the brains learning, so everything seems new, and everything seems new. So the brain is learning. And the main thing that I got out of watching a few TED talks today was that we have neural plasticity. So even if there is some kind of damage or defect, which I don't feel there is I think the defect is in the way reality is designed and how we've designed it as this present of staying alive instead of a place of really feeling and being alive. So then I think back to my question, what would a manic do? A manic would get a Kia Soul, and drive to California, even though I will have zero money and see what happens. And part of it is manic lifestyle design. And I talked about lifestyle design. I feel like right now. At least I'm slowly sort of getting myself in alignment with manic lifestyle design. And I feel like my brain wants to go into hyper learning and it wants to go into relationship again. And I've spent a lot of time alone these last couple of months. And I'm still managing but I haven't. I haven't been 100%. So I think one of the questions is how to activate that hyper learning, not necessarily mania. It's one thing to have this energy come in and activate all those different possibilities, those different domains and dimensions of our being that we don't normally have access to. But I feel like it gives us that hint, it gives us that clue. And just like how they said a rat in overstimulating environment learns much faster. The Magic energy gives us that overstimulating environment. But can we sort of create this lifestyle design this manic lifestyle design, where we will be learning faster? And not only that, not only learning faster, but what is it that this energy is wanting us to learn? And I talked about things like oneness and and what does that even mean? I almost feel like synchronicity in a way is personal. It's like meaningful coincidences that are personal for me. It's not necessarily a synchronicity for somebody else. When I have a synchronicity by by being playful, and trying to create these micro relationships, these these oneness moments, we're both people are really on the same wavelength no matter what wavelength that is. giving and receiving of gestures and knowing what that means. I feel like that's a way of synchronizing. So it's not necessarily synchronicity. So it's one thing for the universe to create meaning for me. But it's another it's another thing for me to create meaning for somebody else, through kind gestures. And I was thinking again about how relationship heals. And I was thinking about my experience in the psych ward and April, now is the worst day ever, and I was on medication that was making me worse. And then a woman showed up that I know and, and we just had a 10 minute chat, and then she left and I felt so much better. And it was like the relationship was so much more powerful. And I was thinking about the relationship in particular, obviously, she didn't show up to judge me. She just showed up to say hi, and due to I don't think she had an agenda. She just brought me some kombucha, wanted to say hi, and see how it's doing for 10 minutes, not Oh, stay for an hour and like, console me or anything. She just wanted to stop by and, and that was enough. But I feel it's, it's really the unconditional ness of it, and the non judgement, and not trying to do anything. It was just a gesture of kindness. And what I'm trying to say with that is that even helping somebody, or trying to help somebody sometimes can be a sort of aggressive, masculine, violent energy. And I'm not talking about overtly violent, but there's a subtle violence, I'm actually trying to help somebody because we almost think that the way that we're trying to help is the way they need help. So I'm just saying, for example, if she would have showed up with like a worksheet of how to solve emotional problems, not that she would have, I think I would have been a little bit like, but she just showed up to say hi, and just have a chat. So there was no agenda, there is what I'm trying to say. She wasn't trying to do anything. And I guess part of that has to do with what I was listening to with the Shawn Blackwell videos, because I'm up to like video 19 now, but he was talking about in some of his videos of the importance of just being with somebody who's in distress and not trying to do anything to them, being with them, not trying to do anything to them not trying to fix. And there was another podcast I listened to quite a while ago. And invisibie Leah podcast, and it was on that exact thing was that trying to fix actually hinders a person's healing. And part of that too, is because a person knows how they need to heal. It's a matter of just having loving support in order to do so. I think that's another reason I have trouble with pure support, even because it's not supposed to be goal oriented, but they've set it up that way. Because, you know, they have to measure some kind of result. You know, if you don't write down a goal, well, then nothing's gonna happen and nobody's going to achieve anything. I think it's setting up expectations. There's, it's there's so many things that I've never done goal setting in my entire period of time since I was diagnosed. Nobody's actually sat down with me and had goals. And I've done a lot of good stuff. I've had a lot of support, a lot of relationship, a lot of fun, a lot of laughter, a lot of playfulness, a lot of those inner human dimensions that I talked about, and none of this whole Oh, you got to tell me what it is you're going to try to do. Because that actually limits what it is a person can actually accomplish. Because once you have a fixated goal, then you're going to miss out on everything else. I don't really believe in goal setting and I don't believe in focusing and I don't I believe in being alert and attentive and, and awake. And that doesn't imply focusing. So I'm hoping 2017 will be a year of embodied mania. And I don't even remember all the stuff that I said about that. Maybe I can attempt to try to create that without going back to listen to what I said, because then I just get caught in that trap of overthinking things. I know I said stuff about harvest your mania bodying, mania? Learning neuroplasticity? So it's a matter of what do I want to learn? How do I want my brain to be? neuro plastic? I think part of the trouble is that the stuff that I want to talk about are sort of taboo in the community, where I have a lot of my friends and acquaintances. Things about coming off of medication, things about there's gifts in mental health conditions as they're seen. And as part of conscious evolution, it's part of the evolution of consciousness. And I think Shawn Blackwell actually sums it all up the best in terms of easy to follow videos. And a lot of what I've talked about, is similar in his work, I talked about scrambling the ego, he talks about a collapse of the ego. And the ego is what prevents learning because it already knows everything. It's always talking about what it knows. And so one can't be on the lookout for new things to learn, because it's talking about what it knows. So yeah, I just really like how I came across that TED talk that talked about neuroplasticity in terms of a brain deficit that a woman had for 25 years that she was born with. And if she can do something to change that, then I think I can do something to neuro plastically change if there are any things that are, are sort of faulty in my brain. And they're not necessarily faulty per se, but they're limiting me from something. I think part of it is that we need to collaborate and communicate, and actually join brains. I think part of it is that neuroplasticity isn't just about Oh, me my brain and learning, you know, I could learn to do cartwheels all day long. And that would change my brain in a certain way. Or I could learn to actually join brains and think together with other brains who think in this way. And I think that is what's going to allow these neuro types these neuro tribes to, to develop right now people with a diagnosis of a mental health condition are seen as defective. And they're seen as they're seen as less than, and we might be sort of less than apparently, in individually. But if we actually come together, and start talking together about our brain and our, our experiences in this way, and then we see Wow, it's so common, like we're actually a neural tribe. And then when we see we're a neural tribe, it's what do we create beyond that, and I think we're going to create a different reality that is actually more in alignment with how our brains want to learn. Instead of just consuming TV and all this mundane stuff. When we go into manic consciousness, our brain is so powerful that we don't even really gravitate towards those mundane things like TV, and we are out looking at the flowers and they're telling us their life story and we're extrapolating that to the sun and, and everything is just completely. Anyway, I think it has something to do with the brain wanting to learn. And I think manic energy puts us in that energy where everything seems so new, the environment is stimulating and we're learning and when we're in that state, we learn different rules of reality of what's actually congruent with human nature. And then we come back, and we get pathologized. But we can still work towards harvesting what we learned in that state in order to create that world for real, not just in brain states. But how do we make that break brain state mirrored in our external reality? When somebody invents something and starts with a vision, well how can we invent that vision that we saw in manic consciousness?

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I got an email with some tips in it. And one of the tips was to know your way of sabotaging yourself. And I thought it was kind of funny because the other day I decided that I really need to start consciously sabotaging myself sabotaging the whole life that I've built in preparation for taking off to California for a little while. And part of it's because it seems like this bipolar energy wants to destroy it was experiencing a lot of so called anxiety around my job. And then something else happened that gave me more anxiety on top of the job thing, and, and I feel like that something else happening was actually to give me more anxiety in order to see that the path I was headed down wasn't good, because I hadn't really been able to see that. And it also showed me some of my weaknesses. And so I have been feeling a lot of energy going through my body, and some of it has been quite painful. So I can't really say that it's fun. And I also feel though, that by not really labeling it bad or good. If I've labeled it bad, it's going to make it it's going to make it worse, or it's going to make it fearful. And that's when I feel like it's possible that those other fearful thoughts and associations can come in. So I've just been sitting with it in terms of the feeling of the energy of it. And not really making up any stories about it. So it passes. And then it comes back. Today I went out and I got myself some EMP. It's something that one has to be careful taking well taking psych meds because it can sort of make one overmedicated in a way. least that's what they say. Especially with lithium, and that's what I'm taking. But I figure that since I'm I used to be taking a mineral supplement, just to use it up it was like a kelp based mineral supplement. And then when I ran out of that I was taking some minerals in the form of Sheila G, which is that black tar looking stuff. And I would just put it in my yerba Mattei a tea. And I ran out of that. And since then I haven't had like a multi mineral of any kind of had. I do take zinc and magnesium. But I haven't had a broad spectrum supplement. And they're in pretty small doses. But since I've been experiencing so called symptoms, then I would think that my medication isn't really quite working to its full degree because the stress I've experienced is extra stress. So that's why I'm going to take this just one a day. I also had to research today, psych wards in California to be prepared if that happens when I'm in California, and would probably cost me close to 10 grand. So I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. But at the same time, I don't think it will. So I'm willing to take that risk. I was wanting to drive down there in my old car but my family is really not liking that idea because it'll be winter time. So I have to figure out if I'll just take a train or a plane and try and get a car down there something because I don't really want to be in the sort of secluded area I'll be in without a car. Today I also took back my sharps container had a big container of used syringes because I used to inject b 12 until I found out that that wasn't the best kind of B 12 for me My naturopath, I did that DNA test through 23andme. And he told me to take the other kind of B 12, which is hydroxy b 12. For me, specifically, everybody's individual, of course. So it's really interesting to me whenever I think I'm doing something good for myself, but it turns out that I'm really not. And I think though that at the same time, there's somewhat of a placebo effect of if I'm doing something good for myself, or at least I think I am, then maybe it does some good because at least, I'm attempting to care about myself. And the placebo, I feel a lot of it is actually the underlying gesture of love and caring that is what causes the positive change, not necessarily what is in the pill, or what is done in surgery. So if there was any kind of bad effect from actually doing that to myself, it's possible, it was partly negated by the fact that I thought I was doing something good for myself. Unlike something like smoking, one can never think that this is good for me, when less than one thing since good for them emotionally, who knows, like people might even be able to negate that. So. So yeah, I got rid of that sharps container, because I won't be injecting any more of that. So be interesting to see if I feel any better than I have in the last two weeks or so on this EMP, because that's really, my goal is to transcend the need for the mental health system. I think it's partly been a good experience, feeling this inner turmoil and being able to stay in order as Tom Wooten would say. Because it's sort of like practicing having that turmoil and, and it not getting to a point where it's spirals out of control. And I was thinking about my past experience in psychosis and how, when I think about it, I, I look back and I say, I remember that I thought, XYZ. I thought I was being framed for murder, I thought this or that, and and I believed those things. So there's this process of thinking something and believing it. But I feel like there's something to the fact that most people would probably say, I thought, this, or I thought that. And what I'm trying to point out is that it's not about this or that. It's about I thought it was just a thought. And so normally, we're always thinking about stuff, and we don't take it to be disorderly, we actually take it to be part of our life. And then when that process extends further outside the field of what is okay to believe, then it's called pathological but we're believing thoughts all the time that have no relevance right now and aren't actually facts. So we take those thoughts that are classified as hallucinations or delusions and and there's something we believed we didn't believe them, then it wouldn't necessarily be a hallucination or delusion. It would just be a passing Daydream or fantasy or or idea or something like that. But I feel I talked about before that it's thought in general, it's not necessarily some thoughts are good and some thoughts are bad. It's it's the process of thinking itself that has no real basis in reality at all. And if we knew that from the start, then maybe we wouldn't even believe our regular thoughts. And then we wouldn't even really have that kind of process going that could get out of hand. And if it did, we would see well That's strange. Like that was just a thought. And also that thought, isn't love. Thought isn't part of the state of love and Krishna Marie would say negate all of that, which is not love and love will be. It's not like we can actually try to do something in order for love to be there in terms of a state of love. So I have to consciously self sabotage myself out of the system. And out of the place that I live, and listen to a talk this morning by Dr. mercola. And it was an interview he was doing with another doctor. And he was talking about heart disease and heart attacks. And how, as not much to do with the whole plaque thing. But he was talking about how blood flows through the body, not by the pumping action of the heart. But by the fact that the walls of the arteries and capillaries and things are negatively charged, and then the blood is positively charged. And that difference in charge is actually what creates most of the whole flow of the blood. And he said, what actually charges the vessels of the blood are sunlight, and earthing or contact with the earth as well as human touch. So putting hands on somebody else. And I thought that was really interesting, because I have studied before how everything is really good because we absorb electrons through our feet. And the electrons are used preferentially as antioxidants as well in redox reactions. So that's how the body detoxifies things. So this is another level of the importance of that, in that we absorbed the electrons and that helps to charge our blood vessels in order for blood to flow properly. And I was wondering, in terms of mental health, like Can, can blood properly even get to the brain and through the brain and everything if we don't have the proper charge in our body, if we don't have electrons from the sun and from the earth. And it could have something to do with the whole seasonal affective disorder thing, too. I remember a time years ago, I was I had this chronic fatigue like syndrome thing, and I felt really terrible. And then I went to California for a weekend or something. And I felt almost normal there. And it could have been just being connected to the earth and getting a lot of sunshine that it helps the blood move in the body. So I would have to do a lot more reading on that topic to really understand it fully. But I feel like it also applies globally in terms of how we're damming up all the rivers and the rivers are like the capillaries of the earth. And water flow is what sort of circulates electrons as well. So we're doing it on a global scale. And we're doing it to ourselves, just on an individual level as well. And I was thinking, well, this gives me even more reason to go to California because there's sun there and I can go barefoot whereas right now here, there's snow on the ground. And I was thinking about the term projection because I was thinking about the mind screen and how our mind screen isn't blank. And we're sort of super imposing our own projections over that. And I think that's part of the whole laser light of our AI process. It's not actually empty, it's not silent, our eyes aren't silent. So we're projecting our words outwards as well. And we don't even really know it because we can't see that we're doing it but we are doing it. And we often hear about things like having a silent mind. And I just wonder if we can have silent eyes. Are we looking with silent eyes that makes it a little bit perhaps easier to grasp? Like when I look at this box on the floor, is it Am I looking with all this noisy words coming out of my eyes or am I letting that come to me because If my eyes are silent, that information can come to me and sort of tell me a story. Whereas if I'm putting my story on to things, and that's preventing me from really seeing. And I feel the process of map consciousness is trying to get brains to think with other brains. And that's why the experience is very similar a lot of the time. And it's trying to get universes to think together, because we're each a separate universe. It came across this video of me skating on rollerblades. When I was in mania the very first time and I could skate in ways that I'd never skated before, I never thought to escape that way. I didn't even know I could skate that way. And so I was thinking that that mania is actually closer to our innate ability that we don't even know we have, because we probably never even thought to try to do that. So I, part of it is that we get more creative with ourselves. We become creative with ourself. And it just makes me think of that, saying, I am what I was looking for. And how can we find herself in that wave, we're always talking about something else. In our own mind. We're not receiving ourselves with emptiness and wonder we're actually receiving ourselves with chatter. And then we think we are that chatter. And then when the chatter gets out of control one day in terms of something like so called psychosis, then we think we're crazy when maybe we're a little bit crazy to begin with, because we're busy chattering about stuff that has nothing to do with anything. And mania makes us way more sensitive to nature. When we're not chattering about abstractions, we're more sensitive to nature. And in that state of feels like nature talks to us and our own nature talks to us as well. We're hearing words of our own nature by being fully engaged. And map consciousness is like wandering consciousness. And it could perhaps wander more when we're in such a habitual routine. It eventually could wander off on us. And sometimes that happens if we do actually go on a trip or something because we come back to this habitual routine, and our consciousness decides it wants to continue to wander, like we were wandering physically. In my earlier videos, I was talking more about embodied mania. And that's part of the self sabotage processes embodying mania and getting back to that happiness for no reason, that joy for no reason. Can I have that joy for no reason? Without the reason of mania, without that actual energy there? If that energy can come and take me over, then can I create that without having to wait for it to take me over at a time? When that's not helpful? Can I design my life in such a way that I can welcome that energy and it won't really affect my life because my life is in alignment with that energy, not in alignment with with contrived habit and routine. And I don't know if it's possible, but no amount of real planning will bring that about it has to be done by sabotaging things. What if the story of my life was in such a way that my brain doesn't have to make up stories about other things as in so called hallucinations and delusions because I'm not stuck in habitual thought patterns or, or traumatic thought patterns that the brain is trying to get me to see outside of even if it's not really congruent with reality. That's the whole point. If it was congruent with reality, it would just be reality. habit and routine our love, thought is not love. Definitely had no habits or routines when I was in mania that time. People are trying to stay consistent with a bundle of thoughts and words in one's own mind that one takes to be oneself. And these hallucinations and delusions actually are trying to break us out of that habit out of that routine. Maybe that's one of the main things it's trying to do is break habit and routine is not necessarily trying to, like transport us to some better reality, or some terrifying hell, but just breaking us out of the habit and routine of thought that we're in. And it creates us to act in different ways. And some of them we might not like if we, again, try to superimpose our thoughts, structures and our preferences on it, but it's still definitely breaking us out of habit. And routine, unfortunately, often puts us in a paradigm of being medicalized because of that, but why are we not comfortable with less habit and routine and a lot of it's to do with functionality. This could be actually really important because the world is moving towards more and more mechanization of things that don't require humans to do. Like factory workers and, and even bank tellers, there's less and less banks, actual locations needed. So there's so many of these jobs that are going to be eliminated, and, and they keep talking about how a person has to be creative, and, and full of ideas, and all these things that are very hard to mechanize. And it's interesting, because the energy of mania creates a human being that is exactly what is needed, in terms of a non mechanical human being who's very creative. And all of these capacities that one has, it's pretty much how the new human being has to be. And we go into that state as a reaction to being so mechanized and turned into just a habit, just a machine basically. And so, we break out of the machinery of thought into this creative thought and and then the whole machine of society wants to dampen that energy that's, that's going through people and, and it could be seen as something that it's completely necessary. And that's actually what I was talking about with harvest ones mania is that perhaps one day, most people will be like that, because we won't actually condition people into robots in the first place, which is what happens through education and family systems. Because a lot of what happens in mania is breaking away from all one's past conditioning, and doesn't mean that everybody in mania is the same. Everybody is uniquely themselves. And they're actually very different from each other. But they have these similar capacities. So I just think it's really interesting that they talk about, oh, we need these creative people. Or that's how people are going to have to be if they're going to survive, because there's not going to be these sort of jobs that are out there right now for people. And so and even if it got to a point where the people that aren't creative, could still live, like they were fed, and they are clothed and all that they could still live, but they wouldn't have any kind of job. But society took care of them. Probably 1% of people would be all creative, and then the rest would be taken care of. But then what would be the point of life if somebody doesn't have any meaning or purpose. It could be the meaning of life to actually embody one's mania to get in alignment with that energy. That is the creative force through us.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

When Consciousness goes through our nervous system, it creates a version of ourselves. Or it's creating some of the projections of thought in terms of past and future. Who unconscious consciousness goes through our nervous system and, and there's no distortion by thought, then it's sort of our original Light Body version of ourself, our original trajectory. So the field of consciousness is the field of consciousness, but then it sort of interacts with the field of thought, which could be actually stored in the body. So those thoughts, those words are stored in our body in our DNA, they're going through our nervous system, and, and they're distorting the original consciousness, which is love. And the level of the thought is sort of what determines the level of consciousness. But normally, we just let this process go on, we don't see what we're doing. I feel like that Universal Consciousness is spontaneity. But thought, bad is the thing that stops us, there's like that spontaneous energy. And then the thought comes in, and explains it away. And then explain something in our own voice that we feel is us in order to remain consistent, and to not actually experience more of the spectrum of consciousness. And normally, we try to actually erase our state by having better thoughts, but really thought is still interrupting that spontaneous energy. So there's a difference between being in a state of joy, being in a spontaneous state of joy and thinking something joyful. Whereas if we were in a spontaneous state of joy, we might think something joyful. And since manic consciousness is so spontaneous and joyful, but most of society and people aren't that way, it can seem rather odd. It's like being spontaneous and joyful for no reason. And the no reason part is the part that is somewhat disturbing. But it's reasons that actually prevent spontaneous joy. Because reason is thought. And on the scale of consciousness of Dr. David Hawkins reason is actually below. Joy. I watched a quick Bernie brown clip, as you said, is rarely the response that helps it's the connection. Responses words, what is connection? Something more subtle than the words you would think that the words would be more powerful because they're actually something. A connection might just be a look in the eyes or a touch on the shoulder. I wrote down that the ego is preoccupation. Or we preoccupied with the past and the future. Why aren't we occupied with the now? The preoccupation is in the prefrontal cortex. We're preoccupied with our own prefrontal cortex. And we're missing all of this. And then some, some of us get connected with this and mania map consciousness. We're like, Oh, my God, look where I am in the most beautiful place in the universe. And then regular consciousness people come and say new. No, no, you're just crazy. We're gonna go back to our prefrontal cortex and so should you. Map consciousness is like a giant sound check. Like one can hear the sound of love the voice of love, one can feel the love that makes all of us grow and all the plants grow. It's the love that made sense all its life. I was reading a little bit about the Meisner technique and acting and sounds kind of like embodied mania in a way because it's like, just do it. Don't act like you're doing it, do it. And it seems like people need to be more like that in reality I could create some games to illustrate embodied mania. I thought of a game called yes mania. Because there's that movie Yes, man. Yes, mania. What would a manic person do? And in the training he talked about as you train, the acting comes not from the head, but from impulses. So it's almost like he was trying to train impulses back into people. But we've pretty much in society determined that impulses aren't good. Because those often could be out of alignment with consistency. But life perhaps is built on impulses, impulses, spontaneity. And he also talked about how good acting comes from the heart. There is no mentality in it. That's what I wonder with embodied mania is if good living comes from the heart. If there's no mentality in it, I think with map consciousness, the universe is provoking us to perform, to get in touch with our instincts, our spontaneity. We need to act from the heart and not mentalize everything. Feel like normal people have mental eyes, eyes blocked by their own mentation and abstractions. We need to have heart based eyes and have more heartache than instead of mentation. I think heart station is a term for thinking, seeing and perceiving with the heart. And for that one has to see through one's own meditationes, the heart is likely seeing things as they are now and the mind is saying reasons. from the past. I think I already talked about how I saw that when you hear and see something that it's active learning. Whereas if you just read something, it's passive learning. So I'm definitely engaged in active learning with myself. I was thinking about empathy, plus empowerment. And I think the two together equal seeing somebody possibility. Working in mental health, I have a lot of empathy for people. But I think that I get stuck there because I lack the empowerment factor, being able to empower somebody. And perhaps it's because I don't see the possibility is much like within the mental health system. So I think by by switching to something more empowering, I'll be able to support people to see possibility for themselves more so than if they remain in the mainstream paradigm. I also realized that this energy, this extra energy of map consciousness, wants to love and learn. Feel I just need to keep unfolding possibility in the spirit of love and learning. I haven't really talked about the fly video that I made. I called it the fly whisperer. And a bunch of flies hang out with me on a coconut for like an hour. And at the time, I really felt like it was an important happening in my life because it sort of showed that at a certain level of consciousness, when really is one with all of life to the point where life isn't afraid of itself. Life isn't afraid of life. And it doesn't matter what the form of life it is because some of those flies knew that I wasn't going to squash them because I wasn't I wasn't afraid of them. I wasn't grossed out by them. I wasn't judging them. I was curious about them. I was playing with them. I was interested in them. I respected them. I feel love towards them. I thought they were cute. And I was interested in their dynamics. Seems like that's when my brain started working that way. Just realize that we are that consciousness or not the ego me. And that one consciousness can animate us or we can be distorted by the personal ego. That personal ego distortion has created this whole complex mess of society. Feel like mental illnesses actually distress of the heart. Like the heart is perceiving now, how far are we, the mind has moved from the heart. From the hearts desires. It's like a calling of synchronicity. It's almost like synchronicity is increased coincidences in order for one to get back on the path of the heart, because if one was to rely on the mind, and its plans and its goals, one would only end up way further away from one's heart. So the heart beats in a certain way to create synchronicity to reacquaint one with the magic of life as opposed to the distress of mentalization. And it's like mental illness is like light club, we've been told not to talk about light cloud, we've been told not to talk about our experiences or invite our inner light. Maybe we need to talk about that light. And psychosis is like virtual actuality. We have virtual reality stuff now. But psychosis is like virtual actuality. It's, it's like virtual reality. But in actuality, I feel like bipolar is like playing out of bounds. It's going out of bounds of consciousness out of the bounds of what we're allowed to experience in consciousness. We have these inner boundaries. And when we go outside of those, that territory seems scary, because it's something unrecognizable, it's something we haven't experienced before. So medications are a way of keeping us from going out of bounds. When in baseball, the object of the game is to hit the ball out of bounds could be the same with life. Because the boundaries are our limits that have been imposed upon us. And we stay within those limits because of fear. And then if we go out of the limits, generally, we're told that something that we should fear when it could be love itself, that pushes us out of bounds. I listened to Dr. Daniel Fisher's talk that he gave. And it's on the emotional CPR website. And he talks about how psychosis is an attempt to solve a problem, the symptoms of psychosis. And he says, psychiatrists and gives medications and he says, this is going to buy you some time, it's not going to solve your problems. And that's a great way of looking at it. And then you talked about how only a person and the people around them can solve once problems, and that we all have an inner healer. And I think for me that our inner healer is our own voice. And I think by doing this self dialogue, I've been activating my inner healer. Because if I would just believe the mainstream paradigm, I would actually be using my own voice against me by saying their words to me in my voice in my head, and that would limit me. And he said that it's most important to give people options to move towards what they feel is going to help them and I agree and that's why I would like the option to come off my meds yet there's not really a system in place to make that easier for people to do. And to go with that, I think that pushing people away from who they are at a young age through education, and training people to think that X, Y, Z is gonna make them happy and make every single person happy is the thing that precipitates suppose mental illness symptoms in the first place. So I still think even just helping people to avoid the system, or come out of the system is still not even the root of it. And I won't talk about the route now, but and he also talked about the importance of restoring a sense of self, and meaning. And I think that's super important. And that's why I feel like in earlier videos, I talked quite a bit about making meaning out of the process. Instead of it being a meaningless mental illness, if it has some kind of meaning in the process. Well, that alone will give me hope to feel that there's some kind of meaning in the process itself, even if I haven't yet connected to a greater meaning of my life. Because if I just think, Oh, this is meaningless, suffering, and this is going to affect me my whole life, that's going to give no hope at all. And that's part of what I don't agree with in the system either. And Dr. Fisher talked about how the system robs people of hope, nother thing he talked about was that he had a doctor who said that with each psychotic experience, that he improved, so Dr. Fisher went through stuff himself and his doctor each time he had an episode said, you're getting better. Whereas there is the general thing going around where every time you have an episode, you are going to get worse and worse and worse. And in my case, it hasn't been true either. I've had five episodes, and I'm, I'm not any worse than I was, before it started even any mentioned how in other countries, sometimes they'll say like, Oh, it was a bad spirit, now it's gone. And people actually recover a lot better in developing countries, because they don't have this long term chronic story happening with all this medication. I rather think, oh, that was just a bad spirit. All the bad spirits are coming again, rather than Oh, my gosh, my brain is deteriorating and getting destroyed, and I'm going to be a vegetable for the rest of my life. And that's the thing too, is that I feel people can actually come out of this all better than ever. That is yet to be shown for a lot of people. Most people get trapped with the medication. And there are no tapering strategies and protocols just naturally in place for when a person's ready to, to be done with that. So people get stuck on it for long periods of time. And I think it's important to to make it mysterious, it is a mystery. And making meaning out of the process and saying, well, it happened because this happened in my life. And it means I'm not supposed to do this anymore in my life, I'm gonna do this instead. And moving towards a healthier lifestyle design as well as a healthier life, well, then that's a meaningful process. But generally, it's funneled into a worse and worse fate over time. And he said, it's important for people to just be with us through the process and witnessed us and be unconditionally loving. And I've talked about that, too. He said, being with somebody in a fearless way, I would say a love more way. I wonder why we need the light of a loving eye. I feel like if a person is able to hold that state of unconditional love, they're able to shine that light on a person who's in lower and lower states of consciousness. And they're able to rise up through the levels of consciousness to the level of unconditional love, as opposed to being in those awful low states of consciousness and someone comes along with fear, and then cuts them off to psych ward, for instance, versus someone being in those states and someone able to be able to bear witness to that, even if it is a bit strange, and allow them to sort of flower up into those higher levels till they're in that place where they're able to be integrated to some degree. And actually, that could just be part of the placebo effect thing I was talking about how, how it's the gesture. They talk about how you know a person receiving a pill often does the same. If If The sugar pill often does the same as the actual treatment, because they feel they believe they're going to get better. I feel like that loving witnesses needed to actually hold for the person that they are going to get better. So that person with the loving eyes is able to be a placebo in a way, because in those awful states of consciousness, one feels like one's never gonna get through it. And it feels so painful and scary and terrorizing. It's almost like a mother, cradling their child after having a terrible, terrible, terrible nightmare, it takes a little while for the child to calm down. For the love of the mom is enough. So if a person is able to be that placebo, where the opposite is almost when somebody comes at a person who's in an altered state with fear, they are in a way a no cebo, they make it worse. And in those states of consciousness, since one doesn't have one's ego walls protection up, however it is that the person is approached is how they're going to actually be received. And that is going to change their outcome substantially, because they're in an innocent state, innocent in a way that they don't have those normal protections up of the ego. So they're more at the mercy of, of a person who is approaching them. So most people aren't approached with love, they're approached with, with fear with force. And then people act in kind because their level of consciousness is perceiving that and they they can't rationally not be afraid, they don't realize that somebody is trying to help them. And that doesn't really seem like the most amazing form of help. The placebo of loving, I've not really tried to do anything in particular, but create safe space. I have an example of this, I have a video that I posted, but I haven't shared yet. of one of the times I was in psychosis, big time. Probably one of the scariest times for sure. We need to change our approach to each other. That's why I want to bring ecpr here because people will perhaps be approached with more unconditional love. And he also talked about how relationships are most important in recovery. And I definitely agree with that. And he talked about how he created the national Empowerment Center and its people first before pills. And he talked about ecpr and how he's very grateful for the people from Mental Health First Aid for developing Mental Health First Aid because it made people with lived experience so angry that they developed ecpr made quite a few videos today, and I kind of want to keep going because tomorrow, it'll probably be really noisy in here from the traffic because it's pretty quiet right now because of the snow. I just read an article by Steve pavlina. And he was talking about blaming others as opposed to blaming one's own internal mental or emotional capacities are sort of relevant with what I'm going through with my job because I don't feel like I can focus on it or I don't feel motivated and I don't think it's my fault. I think that It's not right for me it's right for somebody. I'm just not seeing myself as faulty for not being able to do it. So yeah, I would blame the external on that one for sure. I feel like math consciousness is an act of compassion, to disconnect us from our programming to see that we're beyond our programming. And so consciousness can travel away from the body to show us a larger perspective.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I feel like when trauma happens, what happens is a person's perception is damaged in that they're unable to perceive the world without fear. And if people get medicated, they're punished and locked up for being traumatized. So they're traumatized again. I feel like in spiritual emergence, there's something else guiding and directing behavior is probably love. came across this Einstein article letter thing, and he was saying how equals mc squared is actually supposed to be equals love times c squared. And neural tribes. People with similar brains have to stick together. And I feel like this bipolar brain thing is an emergent neuro tribe. Because the growth of the brain is dependent on being relational and communicating with each other. So it's important to start communicating in these ways in order for that relational neural tribe to actually develop otherwise remains in isolated human brains. Maybe that's the thing. The whole medicating people into a band aided ego state is to keep them separate and actually believing them selves to be a part of a mental illness neural tribe, a tribe of defective people. Because these new communication, and new information circuits need to grow. If we don't talk about them, they're going to atrophy. And the brain is not an independent entity. It doesn't exist in isolation. It exists in relationship to all that is around it in its environment, it's actually a mirror of the environment. But what is it that the brain could mirror outward into the environment if we started being relational in these ways, and talking about these processes and other ways besides being defective and and saying that one should isolate? I think in my consciousness, our brains become like puzzle pieces. And we actually need each other and we need to communicate with each other in these ways. And actually think that's part of map consciousness. In ego consciousness, we actually have these separate brains. But for map consciousness, to really take hold and to hold us, we must be together, we must be us. Because otherwise, a certain brain grows into the map conscious state. And then ego centered brains come in and just stomp on it. But if there were more people relating in this way that then individual brains couldn't be stomped on and said, You're defective, take these pills and, and keep to yourself. I want us to have our brains back. But we need to be together. Because I feel like when we go into map consciousness, the reasons why so many of us have very similar perceptions and experiences, because it's that oneness is that one consciousness, it's a fundamental part of us. It's our fundamental nature becomes so distracted that that part of our nature has become foreign to us. If there's an experience in consciousness that the ego can't measure, the brain needs to create new categories for it. And as categories are created and healed, it becomes a game. I feel like thought is an accumulation. So when one goes into mania, one goes above the world of thoughts into new thoughts, but then when one comes back down into regular consciousness, one has to again, face the accumulation of personal collective thoughts, which is the past. So really, in mania, we're trying to decouple from our past, from our history. And when we're decoupled from that, where we can be anything we want. How does consciousness travel through the human nervous system? spark of the heart probably comes from consciousness and it's electricity. So consciousness in a way could be some kind of electromagnetic phenomenon. Likely light, consciousness is made out of light. All the properties of physics are actually the properties of consciousness, even gravity and of the human nervous system. And they come from the human nervous system in terms of ideas, thoughts, and inventions. And in terms of Dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness, I'm wondering if that level of consciousness is sort of what is sparking the heart. And, and the beat of the heart is as the magnetism. So the heart is like the magnet and, and the spark is the light. And, and that light, that level of consciousness is sort of what makes the heartbeat and then that's how one feels, is that state of consciousness. And it's like, all those states of consciousness are ever present. But it's just a matter of what is playing through us, almost like a musical flow. It's like we are the music of consciousness, we are the instruments of consciousness. We are the animations of consciousness. And we mostly live in the past in the, in the future. And then that stress would change our heartbeat because we're actually not perceiving here, and now we're living in images. And those images are the level of consciousness that we're at. And it's almost like when we get too stressed, those images that play in our consciousness, by consciousness actually can be further away from the center of who we are. And then they can feel like hallucinations or delusions, because they're outside that sphere of the personal. And those hallucinations and delusions are confusing. But even normal thinking is confusing, because it's confusing our body apparatus, thinking that we're somewhere that we're not. And if that happens, then naturally, there would be some kind of fear response. Because we're never quite in our body. So our bodies actually the thing that's afraid. So those are all projections. They're all holographic projections. So it's like we're holographic projectors. We're projectors of the hologram. But we project our own holograms within the hologram. So we're not acting in accordance with the actual hologram. And that's why we feel we're separate egos because we have these projections away from we're not one with the actual hologram. We don't see ourselves as the same as everything else. It's just one hologram. You see ourselves as separate because we have these separate projections. And just as hallucinations and delusions would be very scary. Even being out of alignment with the hologram slightly would be scary to for the body. hallucinations and delusions are just stronger thoughts and stronger images than the ones that we normally play on our mind screen. Feel we have to have a clear mind screen to actually be in alignment with the hologram the actual hologram instead of creating our own holograms within the hologram The actual hologram would probably be love. So if energy equals mass times, see the speed of light squared. And Einstein is saying that mass or M is actually love, then mass appearance is love made manifest. Because we can't see the speed of light. I feel like when we move our consciousness away from the body, that's when we act in habit. If we actually are learning something new, we have to be conscious, we have to be present, we have to be doing it actually. But then we make things into habit. So we can move our consciousness somewhere else into some kind of Daydream or imagination. But the more we do that, it sort of shows that we're not actually where we would want to be. And if our consciousness goes somewhere else, and we're on autopilot, we have less power, there's more limitation, we can't change so much what we're doing so we're acting like machines. And so when we're in the field of thought, in the field of habitual thinking, we're in habit. And we're not really conscious and present, we're not being attentive. And so most things are within the field of thought. And we're sort of going along on habit, tracks of thought. Words are actually in our nervous system as electricity. And I feel like our words and our nervous system actually distort the signals being sent. So there could be signals being sent that are trying to tell us something in the body. But since we're talking in our head, we can't actually sense those signals in our body, those signals in our body can be subtle and actually give voice to something in our body and kind of tell us, oh, something's happening, but I need to listen to. But we don't generally do that, because we're listening to our own voice about past abstractions and things. So we're not actually listening to our body. Not gonna be something that happens in mania is that the nervous system sort of becomes immune to one's old thoughts, and words. And all of a sudden, new words are arising from the nervous system from perception. And we might say things and see things and experience things totally differently. And we're speaking, we talk a lot sometimes because we're giving voice to something the universe wants us to perceive. And it could almost be as simple as that. The universe wants us to have a voice, other than the one that we're used to, and habituated to, maybe it doesn't really matter what the particular content is, it could be just that we are perceiving and creating some kind of content and context with our own voice, as opposed to just being recorders of things. That would be like a flower, like a dandy line, looking at a tulip and asking, How am I supposed to grow? Like, what am I? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to think what I'm How am I supposed to look and asking and looking for things in the wrong places. Because if we're clear, we can actually hear our own voice not have other things from other people recorded in our voice and sort of mask, our own voice. And that's part of what could actually mask our own voice is that we record things and then repeat them to ourselves in our own voice. So and then we can't hear our own voice from within. Our neurons are polluted with our own voice with other people's ideas and thoughts. I think it has something to do with an increase in entropy in the nervous system. I believe increase in entropy is is more chaos and release of information. It's sort of like all that happens. And then we give voice all this stuff or we write all this stuff down or we're all creative. And it's perhaps because we don't know how to allow Get out of the way of this entropy process from happening naturally, I feel actually that it could be balanced and happening all the time. If we were really one with the moment, but oftentimes, it's, it gets blocked and stored up. And then when we do go into mania or manic consciousness, it's like this big chaos, because it's something that has been suppressed or own need to have consistency for such a long time. And then when it's released, and we go into that, that mania, we're like, wow, this feels so good to be inconsistent. And the very thing that we've been moving away from, or trying to suppress our whole life in consistency, we realize that's what freedom is. And then a lot of people when they come out of that state, they're like, that's what they want. People want that mania, when maybe we just need to be more consistently and consistent. The universe wants to give voice to its entropy through us. We're just decreasing the universal entropy with our categories, we have so few categories, good, bad, right? Wrong, mentally ill normal and then we decrease the entropy, we decrease all the entropy of the richness of extreme states of consciousness into mental illnesses. Seems like consciousness is undergoing an entropic process, I feel like are narrowing categories in consciousness actually create a reaction in consciousness to increase the entropy in consciousness that some people experience as mania extreme states map consciousness. I think part of that consciousness is the universe putting us back into alignment. It's almost like the universe is a guy attractor. Like a guide chiropractor, or an enviro practice, trying to put us back into alignment with the environment. There's the alignment of the spine in the field of gravity through, say, rolfing. And there's the alignment of the cells and exercising them within the field of gravity through rebounding. While the universe can put us into spontaneous realignment with the universe, with consciousness, through map consciousness and transconsciousness, just like our body can get out of alignment with the field of gravity. So can our consciousness and it could be the collective of the totality of the consciousness of humanity is out of alignment. So a certain number of people are going to be put back into alignment with the universe as a necessary part of the process. And we naturally go back into alignment with the field of consciousness at the time of death, physical death, but the universe isn't waiting for people to die is having to realign them during their lifetime. And maybe several times, and stress distorts the body, it shows that we're not living in alignment with nature, and, and human nature. And so the universe through the guided practice process, puts us back into alignment, and it can be pretty jarring. I feel there's a field of gravity and field of consciousness and our body needs to be in alignment with gravity. And we also need to be in alignment with consciousness. What brings us out of alignment are adding in things that aren't natural. So the process of realignment is actually subtracting those things that aren't natural and it can feel like death because something is dying. All those unnatural things that were added in are dying. It's like a metamorphosis in consciousness. Just as a caterpillar can undergo metamorphosis or consciousness can also undergo metamorphosis and the caterpillar must be freaking out inside that chrysalis like what is happening, I'm dying. I'm, I'm being torn to pieces, and then it emerges and it's like, wow, this is cool. I'm more awesome than I was before. I feel like it's a metamorphosis in the brain. The brain is attempting to think another way to think in a different way to think in different ways to turn those circuits of the brain back On. And I think part of it is that we're supposed to be thinking together and cooperating on things. And that's why people in that state of consciousness have similar mindsets, similar ways of thinking. Generally, people are isolated when they're like that. And they're not necessarily with other people doing all these mastermind groups or anything like that. But if we could get to the point where we're in that energy, and able to collaborate with each other, then it could be pretty powerful. I think part of the process too, is it's, it's almost like a wisdom tradition. It's like a wisdom tradition within consciousness, and is trying to see who we can trust with this wisdom. And the ego comes back online. And the thing is that through the system, most people forget the wisdom. And even if they didn't forget the wisdom, it could be difficult to carry out the wisdom with the ego, online. So there's a trust element in this wisdom. Part of me wanting to decouple from what I'm doing, is to trust the wisdom in a way, even though I don't feel the wisdom. I have been in close contact with it before. And in normal consciousness, it's easy for me to get complacent and just go about my life. But and I'm not sure what the highest intention of the wisdom is, but in a way I feel it's to free us from the mind. From the collective of thought. So transcending the system isn't necessarily about transcending the mental health system, it's about transcending thought, altogether. And the mental health system is the system that says what you were moving towards the transcendence trajectory that you were on is just a mental illness. And I would like to think for myself, there is no mental illness, and transcend, not necessarily transcend mental illness, but transcend thought, and the structures of thought. Sort of the stuff that occurred totally is talking about. And others, of course, and it's about changing the field of consciousness, because that's what reorganizes things. So if I could be optimistic and feel like a bunch of people might listen to the stuff I said, and, and think for themselves and actually see some of what I've said for themselves, not just smile, and nod and think, Oh, I can believe that. But actually seeing what I'm saying, if some of it is worth seeing, I don't know, maybe none of it is, it doesn't matter. But if I think well, maybe there's some people out there who have a similar context within their heart or even within their mind and have been speaking to themselves in these ways, or wondering, and then that's going to change the field of consciousness, if there's a certain number of people that want to relate in this way, and perhaps create a neural tribe of people who feel like this other context, which could be infinite, and and many people could create together is a world that one would like to hold within their nervous system. And the thing I think, and I don't know if it's true is that believing some words that someone said, isn't the same as actually following step by step, what someone is saying, in one's brain in once being and actually seeing what they're saying, not just accumulating facts, which may or may not be true. Because when you see something for yourself, it doesn't matter if it's a fact in terms of science, because you've seen it for yourself. And it might be in fact, in science, you just haven't read that book or haven't seen that factor study or whatever. I feel like too, though, when one sees something for oneself, it becomes part of the nervous system because it's not something one has to actually memorize. It's sort of it might unfold something I would think too, that things that are memorized are sort of crystallized in the brain. Whereas context would be more fluid and be like the brain cells sort of dancing with each other as opposed to locking in and then repeating themselves and hardening and almost forming like scar tissue in the brain. I feel like seeing something like seeing something in terms of context, would allow for more seeing in that way. It would unfold and open to more and more context, as opposed to closing down and seeing less and less because something just sort of collapsed one's visual field by by being taken in as a belief. And that's why the stuff that I say I don't really believe any of it. I'm just saying it. So I think a lot of this self dialog could actually change the field of my brain.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So Tony Robbins said, need a vision that has the power to pull you when my vision is cordoned California for six months. Coming back, having the ecpr people come here, train people, somebody wants to become a trainer, somebody becomes a trainer. And then things go from there. I guess in saying that, it shows me that really, I just don't want people to be pathologized. I don't want people to be told they have a mental illness in the first place. I was told after two days in the psych ward. And so that is my vision is d pathologize. ation of extreme states. And beyond that seeing the gifts in those extreme states. And I've already talked about that. And I don't want to start repeating myself too much. But there are gifts. And there there is healing that happens and strong reasons why was number two for Tony Robbins and I want to be off meds so then I can keep my kidneys and my thyroid in good shape. Because I'll need them for those extra 25 years that I want to live, that will likely be taken away from me if I remain in this paradigm. And it's not just having those 25 years back. But what am I going to do with those 25 years, I think that might be the most important part is that I have to have good enough reasons to have those 25 years back. So if I just come off meds for my own little 25 years, that's not very powerful. But if I have that goal in order to help other people will get their 25 years back, then that's a lot more powerful than just for my own personal wellness. And he also talked about raise your standards? Well, I have high standards and that I don't want to be on medication. And so when he talks about needing to stay consistent with who we think we are, well, I think bipolar actually gives us access to different dimensions of ourselves to experiment. Well, is this who I am, is this who I am. Do I want to be more like this. And I think that's for me where embodied mania comes in is there could have been a lot of experience ones had in mania and psychosis that one would not want to embody. And so by having access to more of the spectrum, one can actually choose different ways of being after the fact through embodied practice versus always assuming one is this consistent entity that one is trying to stay consistent with. And he said joy comes when we're spontaneous. So that's definitely true of mania being super spontaneous, is being super joyful. So synchronicities, spontaneity, joy. I feel those are part of embodied mania. And so that's what Tony Robbins said is, the strongest force in the human personality is to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. I defined myself as somebody who's not on medication, who's very healthy. I would like to help bring the gift of wellness to people. First, I have to create it myself. I'm optimistic that I can get off medication or watch another talk online and the guy said invest in your own brain and he was talking about education and reading and stuff but I think too, coming off medication is investing in my own brain. Part of my wellness company actually the beginning part it's actually investing in myself and experimenting with myself. I remember years ago, I had a chronic fatigue like syndrome thing going on. And when I finally was able to heal myself of it through diet and and things like that I told myself I really wanted to help other people have really good health. But then I didn't do that and then it was too late and then I had this mental health condition. So I feel like by doing these videos when I do come off medication, at least all have already created something that might be helpful. And I don't know if it will be or not. I have no idea but the videos I was doing For sort of like a big reframe, and big context creation. And I feel already that even in my last couple of weeks of struggle that some of that context has helped me. It sort of feels like it arises in consciousness when, when I'm going through something, and that's that story, those words, in my own voice that I created for myself, sort of hold me and cradled me in a way. And since I don't have this support network right now of people who have that context, to uphold that context for me, I have to do for myself. So I feel like I do need to continue with some of the context creation, because that is my immunity in a way, by by having my own words for myself, that's my immunity. If I was in a paradigm, where if I went into an extreme state of consciousness, and everybody had that sort of context, or something similar, and sort of came up to me and received me in that way, and hold me and cradled me, why would need to necessarily know that, if that's how the professionals responded, I personally wouldn't need to know that. I might come to know that after the fact, like, Oh, that's what was happening and, and blah, blah, blah. But it's almost like I have to create my own factual context, which is not necessarily factual in terms of scientific facts, but facts within my own neurons, facts within my own brain cells to keep me safe from that other story that I need that other kind of help coming into my brain coming into my consciousness. Because that other stuff is just a story. And, and I feel like I've talked to myself enough that it doesn't even really enter my brain so much. Like, I never really truly thought, oh, wow, I could be going into psychosis, when I was having these extreme pains and body pains, and my body was burning and, and I felt extreme so called anxiety was very painful. But it didn't go further than that it didn't get the story of terror, or of, of, oh, that could mean that somebody is coming to kill me or that could mean that whatever story that I feel the story is actually related to the state of consciousness. So if I'm in extreme anxiety, and kind of like terror, anything related that to that I could feel like I'm in the middle of a war hiding in a bathtub or something, because that's how terrified I feel. But I my brain never created any of those stories. And I'm wondering if it's because that I've talked to myself so much with other contexts that maybe that context writes over those other possible associations that could even be called hallucinations and delusions. Because my brain isn't going into that state and making things making the extreme fearful state not coupling that with something that would be equated to a hallucination or delusion. It's just the feeling. And it's not comfortable. But if there's no story associated with it, that's like some terrifying Oh, and like being stabbed or something, well, then I'm not necessarily. Those are the things actually that that require. hospitalization for me are those those stories that start getting created. Like before, when I said, I feel like I'm a homeless person. And I feel like I'm not me. But if I've created enough context, in my own brain to stop those other stories from arising that have nothing to do with me, maybe it's perhaps preventing some of the collective unconscious stuff, and just remaining personal unconscious, because those things aren't going to lead me to get really confused. Because those things are going to have the EC forex sensation, I'm going to recognize that, hey, that's something from my past, or Hey, that's something whatever, it's a memory or Oh, that's something processing things like personal things, but not necessarily to the point where I'm like, Where is this coming from? Like, where am I who am I because I don't know where these thoughts and these feelings and these associations are coming from. So what I'm saying is by talking to myself enough in this way might prevent some of that It might keep the Forex sensation intact, instead of it going beyond my own self. And the things I felt like I was in pain about, were definitely personal things. And that could be the difference too, is that sometimes in my work and things that I research I, I go into the pain beyond my own personal self, because just like with mental health, how I find it quite painful to, to witness what's happening to people, and it's, it's, it's labeled as their mental illness one. Obviously, there's something going on. But a lot of what is made, making it worse is the medication and that's not acknowledged, it's seen as necessary. And I had that experience in April, where what was seen as necessary for me was not necessary, and it nearly made me way worse than was necessary. While it did for a period of time while I was on that medication. And to me, that gets mistaken as Oh, a person's mental illness, what a lot of it is that the process is being interfered with, with by medication. And then I don't know, anyways, it's it's scary territory, because there's nothing else to support people then what is there, and what is there, that's what it's doing, to people. And, and so yeah, I don't know what I was saying. But I feel like, since it was a personal thing, it was kept personal instead of sometimes when I go into those other states, I get very concerned over others. And that happened a couple of months ago, and somebody helped me see that. If I destroy myself over that, then I can't help others anyway. So it's sort of a silly thing to do is to take on other people's stuff, I'd rather be in a position where I'm, I'm supporting people to thrive. So there's none of this working, trying to not take on other people's stuff. I admire the people that are able to do that, because that's amazing. But even the paradigm to which they're devoting their energies is creating a lot of what they're there to actually help with. That support I don't agree with I wouldn't mind supporting people on medication if they were on it very short period of time. And then they were given nutritional and vitamin supports and all this other stuff. But the way it's going right now is just was awful. And I think that either nobody has a mental illness or everybody has a mental illness, we all have that same process going on within us and, and certain people's sort of spin out of control. And then we try to put people back together with medication and that's not the long term solution. And I was thinking about the trauma release exercise that I was doing and how it induces a quivering or a shaking state and I know that usually right before I get hospitalized, I'm like shaking like crazy. And I actually think it's releasing trauma. It's like the body's trauma release mechanism, psychosis and mania or releasing trauma. No wonder it seems confusing because it's not like a logical state. It's not like Okay, so now I'm going to release trauma and you will be in discomfort for five minutes while I do that, no, it's just it's it's a living process. So I wrote up some stuff on alternatives and options. And I don't know if I'm gonna call my wellness company, clear skies wellness, or happiness, first wellness, something like that. But I don't really want it to be about mental illness because I don't actually believe in mental illness. So it's not necessarily just for people diagnosed with a mental illness. Because that can be a little bit dicey. I feel like it'd be more about helping someone with their wellness. So then that sort of crowds out the mental illness part. So for me, I can't just say oh, I don't have a mental illness and stop taking my medication. That would be silly. But if I Create enough wellness if I take certain supplements if I have a peaceful place to live, if I am moving towards the life that I want, then all those aspects are going to add to my wellness and that will possibly decrease the likelihood that I will experience symptoms of anything else because I'll be keeping my allostatic load very low

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

bipolar, trauma, thinking, resonance, manic energy, mania, bipolar disorder, spontaneous, psychosis, sabotage

I got this top for Christmas. And it's pretty poignant. Considering that in a month and a half or so I will be heading to California. I still haven't officially quit my job by but that might happen in the next couple of days. So there's lots of changes that I have to make. And I've definitely been struggling this last week or so in terms of the changes and other things happening in my life. But I've also come to some realizations. Right now, it's pretty quiet in here because it again snowed. So that's nice. And since I'm not feeling very at home here in my home, because of the noise, I feel sort of displaced. I feel like that bipolar energy is going to come in and start to try to destroy things in my life. And that's what it's done three times in the past two years, because I've gone to the psych ward three times. And at the end of this week, it'll be the longest period of time that I've stayed out of the psych ward since my first so called relapse in 2015, in February. And it feels like I've been walking the line of clicking into psychosis, or I've even experienced elements of it, but have been able to maintain control. So I don't even know if it was the psychosis thing at all. So called psychosis or if it was just strong feelings, because some of those sensations I had were pretty strong, like I was laying in bed and fall asleep and my whole body was on fire and in pain, and those are things that would normally be happening if I was going into that mode of spiraling out of control. So it seems like I'm flirting with spiraling out of control. At which point, I would definitely make the decision to quit my job and, and things like that. So it seems like that bipolar energy wants to come in and, and sabotage those things. And so I was thinking to myself, well, maybe that's why it's important to do it. Myself consciously, instead of waiting for this subconscious process to take over and, and make it so I don't have a choice. And then, when that happens, I also don't have a choice on many other things in my life, like, perhaps the type of medication I put on in the psych ward, or how long I'm in the psych ward or so many other things. So I feel like, I need to consciously destroy that. And I was watching a Tony Robbins video this morning, his 2017 New Year's resolution video or something, and he was talking about how what's important is progress. Because he says change happens. But it's not always progress. But I was thinking in my case that sometimes progress is actually destroying those things that aren't working and aren't right or don't resonate. So that doesn't really seem like progress. To for me to destroy a potential career in the mainstream medical field doesn't necessarily feel like progress per se. But also to for me to exit that when I've sort of reached a peak of something consciously walk away. And that's something I wasn't able to do in one of my last jobs. And then after that, since I didn't do that. I ended up in a very bad situation that actually might have led to this whole bipolar disorder thing in the first place. So it's almost like I've come full circle nearly six years later. Actually over six years later. And on paper, I've sort of reached a good place in terms of being diagnosed with mental illness, having a decent position in mainstream paradigm, I have my own place, I have an old car. I have pretty good health, considering I'm taking medication. So on paper, everything's pretty good. Yet, I feel like I want to say goodbye to all of it. Because even that pretty good. State is not what I resonate with. I just don't resonate. It doesn't inspire me to support people who have been poisoned into a state. So beyond anything, and just sit there and smile and nod as they say, Oh, yeah, I'm doing so well, when they look like they could drop dead any second is just horrifically disgusting to me and not because of the person is because of the system. So I'm just saying that it's difficult to, to work in that. And that's why not only do I want to say goodbye to the paradigm in terms of working in it, I want to say goodbye to it in terms of being on any kind of its treatment. You yet if I remain working in it, it's going to be very difficult to to get myself off the treatment because of the stress and the duress and the retraumatization of actually having to see people see this happened to people? I think it's it's, it's awful. And I still want to be able to help people but from a different angle from a different angle than then yeah, I have a mental illness too. And I recovered somewhat. I want to recover beyond this somewhat, and then speak from that point. On don't know if that's better. I don't know if that's more powerful. I have no idea. But it's just it's really heartbreaking. I find it really heartbreaking. And I want it so people don't have to get into that heartbreaking stuff in the first place. Yeah. And I was I was watching Sean Blackwell's videos again on bipolar or waking up. I think he has a 24 part YouTube series. And I watched it a couple years ago. And I remember watching it and thinking wow, like this guy totally summed it up. And I've watched about six videos again so far and, and I still feel like wow, he's just totally summing it up. He did great research and and really does justice to the process. And he's one of the rare few that managed to escape and not be pathologized. And then there were some other videos on the side of the YouTube feed and other people sharing their experience with bipolar disorder. And so many of them are like, Yeah, get medical help. If I wasn't on the right medication and talking about the difference between manic depression and unipolar depression, it's like, why have we been brainwashed into talking about ourselves like we're psychiatrists? I don't know. Just really it's really weird to me. And it's not like the medications aren't helpful. Sometimes I just think it's a mistake to think that that's the long term care. It's the long term cure if we want to die 25 years early. That's a good cure to die early. And I read another comment about somebody saying, with him, destroys the thyroid over time. So I kind of want my thyroid, and I kind of want my kidneys. Maybe there's other people that want their thyroid in their kidneys, too. So I was thinking more about some of the stuff I talked about in earlier videos that I don't really even remember talking about. But I talked about some ideas that I had. And then I went on to more like abstract things, I think, can't really remember. But I feel like through that process of self dialogue, over those six months, I sort of talked myself out of the paradigm. I talked myself out of believing in the mental health paradigm at all. It just doesn't really compute in my brain. It's not something I want to be true for people. And of course, it's relatively true right now. But it's not an absolute fact. And that fact can be changed by how people think about it, and how people see it, and how people see themselves. And part of the seeing oneself is seeing that oneself isn't this consistent entity. I was listening to the Tony Robbins video, he, he emphasized that I can remember what he said exactly. But basically, wanting to be consistent, is one of the biggest drivers of the personality. So we want to be consistent over wanting to be ourselves. And so to me, that very process is sort of what can lead to a manic crisis or bipolar crisis. It's not the only factor. But it's just sort of like being conditioned into this consistent person. And it's not who one wants to be or is really naturally and then remaining consistent to that. Because what's important is consistency. And then something happens like maybe a trauma. And then since that trauma happens, the story related to that trauma comes in and overlaps with one's consistent story about oneself. And when that happens, all of a sudden one feels inwardly that they're not consistent, they were this person in that person. And now all of a sudden, they had this trauma happened to them, which means XYZ. And so when that inconsistency happens, that's when one can go into some kind of bipolar process, because all of a sudden, the personality has cracked, it's no longer consistent. And since we're not consistent by nature, we're not meant to be actually drones acting in consistent calculated ways that are pre programmed in the brain, we're actually supposed to respond to the moment. And the moment is never consistent. So the psyche, or whatever it is, takes that opportunity to be inconsistent. And when that happened to me, I was inconsistent. And I was feeling like I was in heaven on earth, to not have to be consistent. Because the next thing he says in the video, or one of the next things is he talks about how important it is to be spontaneous. So we have this driver in our personality to want to be consistent yet it's super important to be spontaneous, which is, he said, that's when we're most like ourselves when we're spontaneous, which taught which, which means not being consistent, which means acting in the moment. And to me, that's what mania is all about. When we're spontaneous and acting in the moment. We're always getting more and more energy because it's like fun. It's almost like that is the game of mania is being spontaneous and acting in the moment, and improvising and, and just by improvising and playing, one has so much energy, because instead of sort of playing those old tapes in the brain, which are telling us how to act in order to be consistent, we're not wasting our energy doing that. And we've been released from the tension of trying to hold ourselves together, unconsciously and subconsciously. So it's like that subconscious holding oneself together is, is what has broken up. And so I think I was talking about synchronicity before, and I don't really understand it. I don't think it can really be understood. But definitely spontaneity is an aspect of that. And being playful. And I guess the thing about being playful is that it's more powerful to be playful with other people. And when they play back, that is even more of an energetic process than just say, staying at home being creative by oneself. Because there's energy fed back and forth. And it doesn't just sort of fizzle out. Then I was thinking about name for my wellness company again, and I was thinking before of the name special messages, wellness. And that's a little bit abstract. I like it. But then I realized I could use happiness first wellness, because I've talked about how it's important to put happiness first. And and I also talked about one of the fastest ways to be happy is to do something for other people. And that's part of a study. And it was in that movie documentary happy. And I'm thinking to myself, well, I need to get my own happiness first. And part of that is destroying, I like to call it conscious self sabotage. So, in terms of the consistency thing, we all want to be consistent. But what if I consciously sabotage all those things that I kind of cling to as my identity, on purpose as a way to not fear because it's sort of the fear of the loss of those things, that is part of the thing. And, and so for me, I'll be getting rid of the place I live, I'll be storing all my stuff and getting rid of a bunch of it. And might just have like a little backpack and go for six months to California. And that's where I went right before I came back here and went totally manic. I think I was sort of manic for three weeks and in Santa Barbara. But it didn't feel that way. Because the energy there was that higher resonance, so it wasn't really this big divide. And then when I came back here, the resonance is so much lower than the morphogenetic fields that I was at this higher level from being in Santa Barbara, where it's peaceful and quiet and, and beautiful and sunny, you know that I come back here and it's like noise and just so I feel like that's what made it so in congruent was partly just coming back here. So I would have to plan for my return to make sure I have some more peaceful to go because might be a little bit much in terms of the the difference in resonance, and I was actually thinking about how bipolars like, go into such a high resonance that coming back to this reality is almost like needing equipment. Almost like a person who wants to scuba dive, they need a bunch of scuba gear, they can't just dive down that deep and stay down there for that long and survive. So it seems like to me to be in this reality I need right now. I take lithium and I have my zap straps, which I feel keep me safe. I have a voice reminder every morning that says, Are you afraid of showering? Because if I am, that's definitely a sign that things have really gotten to a terrorizing point, I have cerebral PRN beside my bed and, and in my purse I I am thinking getting like a medical ID tag or something and and I have my representation agreement, my advance directive, all these things are like my gear for going about life, in this reality in this sort of lower resonance where I could bump into certain elements that could be re traumatizing. And I've even talked about how most of society is designed in a dramatic fashion is not designed for safety. And even the fact that we all live in constant stress and pressure, that in itself is trauma and and causing the allostatic load to accumulate. To the point where I think we're all taking bipolar time bombs, unless we're actually living as we would design for ourself. an effortless infinite flow of our own unfolding, then we can get pushed into mania, because Shawn Blackwell talks about in his videos that mania as a healing mechanism. And I don't know if I've talked about it in that way. But I might have said psychosis as a healing mechanism. And he says that too. And and I think that it is a healing mechanism. In my thought, I remember thinking, I feel like one goes into this fully heavenly manic state after trauma sometimes, because if one didn't, one might actually just end one's life. So if I just remained in that post traumatic stress reaction, I probably don't know how long I would have lasted. I had already lasted about six months, and then I left the country. And then I was in, in, in heaven in a way, maybe because I was out of the, the traumatic environment and now being back in it, it's difficult to exist here. It's like that energy is just here. And it might not even be trauma as much as it's just not. It's just not me, it's just not my true nature. whatever the heck that is, I don't even know what that is. But in speaking about getting congruent with how one would design one's life. And I talked about all this in previous videos, I think about happiness first about lifestyle design, which is something that Steve pavlina talks a lot about, is the importance of designing one's life as one one's first, not necessarily getting money first. So he is definitely on board with the whole thought of happiness first. And I've talked about before i i that it's really important for people with bipolar to really put that first because otherwise otherwise

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

not sure if I'll get through this video or if I even want to make a video right now but feeling the after-effects from days past I'm definitely feeling the energy of it all it feels like so-called anxiety just feel like it's really interesting how it was brought into consciousness it's like it's there for sure it's definitely disc it's definitely uncomfortable it definitely feels physical it doesn't feel like it's being transformed into any kind of thought form it's possible because I've been practicing seeing any thought form as a snake and although I wasn't doing that in those few days of desire now it feels like that energy remains but there's no real thoughts like I don't know it's difficult to describe I wonder what that sensation is trying to tell me cuz it's pretty strong it feels like oh I don't know if I can work if it doesn't go away so I don't know if it's related to those few days of desire or if it's related to work or both or if going into that desire state since it was very strong energy that energy is now being transferred to the desire to not want to do the job that I have so it's almost like this energy is going to get to the point where I can't do it because I was thinking that sometimes I stay in jobs too long and then I something happens and I'm like why should have left and i'm feeling like that and I even said that to a friend yesterday and when I said it out loud I really heard myself say it I really heard it and I was like whoa like that is premonition if I don't listen then I don't know maybe the anxiety feeling is sort of that I want it to be giving towards someone and now I won't have that opportunity plus I did this trauma release exercise called tre and I bought the app and after and before I did it I felt sort of I don't know how to describe it may be a little bit all over the place and now after I did the tre I feel more like the sensation the energy is localized like right in my stomach what's strong but it's not super it's not it's not unmanageable I guess though it might make it harder to sleep so I might take something to help me sleep or something about how when I was in the psych ward April they they trapped me they drop me gave me drugs that I didn't want I didn't ask for and then they wouldn't let me go it's like a similar thing being repeated and I was just thinking today about how so many people are so over medicated and just like medicated into such a a dull life yet some people are are kind of happy with that because they're not may be super symptomatic but they're not they're not symptomatic of living a thriving life either people put on pills they gain weight they get other chronic illnesses and I just want to help people not have to go on those bats in the first place because so many people when they get on them they don't get off and then there's those 25 lost years it's really shitty it's really bad I called the EMP people the true hope people Ian Power Plus and they said that it would take a couple months to get off lithium he said let theam is one of the easiest ones to get off of in terms of withdrawal effects I wish I could do that now like I want to if I eliminate the stress of that job then I add in the stress of not having ton of money I think it's just a matter of investing my energy in the wrong direction Krishnamurti said something to talk about knowing how to cooperate and knowing how not to cooperate I guess I feel like like mental health is just something I don't want to cooperate with any more sorry done playing that game I feel like to i need to be in a situation where i can be loved where i can be loving when happy and joyful it's not really the scenario of mental health just makes me kind of angry and I don't feel I don't feel angry really it's more like operating at the level of anger because it's just stuff that angers me but I don't necessarily feel anger but still they are energetically I have been having a lot of insights today one thing I thought of is that I could just make videos for the next couple months until i leave i probably could talk the whole time and I also wondered if talking myself on video afterwards I edit the video so I sort of have been staring at myself on the screen for hours upon end and wondering if it helps a little bit with preventing dissociation in a way because I really see myself I see myself talking I see myself on the screen whereas normally I would just see myself in the mirror in the morning and that's about it some wondering if that could help a little bit with remaining myself and not necessarily dissociating maybe another benefit of self dialogue but I don't know yeah I don't think I'm gonna be able to talk about stuff today it terms of stuff I wrote down that's okay I did want a video tape if there were any difficult times two I don't actually mind that sensation of anxiety I might try some coherence breathing I have an app called coherence something and a chest strap and then you'd breathe a certain way and then one breathes coherently it's supposed to be good I guess it would be a good time to try it because I'm actually feeling the sensations of dis dress and the past one have been triggered into psychosis or dissociation sort of like past memories come back and and they lack ech fork sensation as dr. Daniel Siegel would say and I am having some sort of memory stuff come up but I'm seeing that it's from the past for sure so it's not necessarily just the terror it's just the memory as opposed to it's just the it's not just the terror it's actually the memory so I think it'd be better to have memory and anxiety versus just terror with no memory and then just feeling terrified I should go see one of my friends and see what they've done to her she's in the psych ward that might actually be like it telltale sign to me see if they're actually helping her that might be the final straw with regards to working mental health remember when I was first diagnosed I didn't believe the diagnosis I didn't think that was it but I sort of decided to go along with it because I didn't really see any other option like there wasn't really any other choice but to go along with it and accept all the help as if it were true and I did believe it to be true to some extent but now I just feel like I don't want to go along with it anymore maybe it's because it's like my chance to get out of it but yet I'm staying in it thinking I can help when I don't think I can help

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I think it's time to inject some personal stuff into this context creation only just in general though because I'm not really ready to get particular but what happened lately was that Mets on that I was interested in more than just a friend and it felt like this energy was taking me over like this strong desire that I haven't really experienced in awhile which could be med related or just I don't generally get myself into those situations but I felt myself getting way ahead of myself for sure and then the thing was that I felt like I needed to know if the person felt the same way and it was so strong and and then we met up again and it was just really indicative by their behavior that there was that kind of connection which is not really anybody's fault if it's not there it's not there so I feel a lot better today because we met up another town recently and I was sort of noticing the disconnection and it made me feel uncomfortable because I wanted to be connected and then in the space between that meeting and the next one I sort of determined well I'm going to find out if there's a connection or not for for sure and so I did certain things that was sort of like testing out the connection and and there was no connection and so when I got home I felt very maybe I guess like disappointed in myself for getting ahead of myself and it was pretty uncomfortable and then today I feel a lot better because i feel like well i know that there's no connection so I can move on where is the time the days in between the two meetings I didn't really know and I was wanting to know and I was sort of disappointed in myself for not knowing for sure that other time and then in the time have been between I was quite uncomfortable and it's not really disappointed in myself I'm just I'm trying to take a responsibility I'm trying to have a word that takes responsibility for my feelings because it's not the other person's fault for not feeling that sort of connection and so I'm not sure if we'll hang out again or not cuz I'm not really sure what was happening and and that's okay too it's not the first time that's happened it won't be the last but in the days in between it was really strange I was I had these sensations and these energies going through me like actually like physical pain like I had this like burning sensation in my body and all these different painful sensations that almost reminded me of so-called psychosis sometimes our so-called anxiety but really extreme and it felt like my whole body and DNA energy and entropy was just being reorganized and I wasn't sure if it was being reorganized to be more open to being vulnerable with a person or it also reminded me of a time when I felt really strongly connected to someone about six years ago and it didn't really end well I just remember how strongly I was attracted to this person and and it ended in such a way it was only a friendship but it ended in such a way that I never really processed those strong feelings I just sort of was like wow this isn't something that I can continue with it all and just like dropped it and actually never really thought about it another second in terms of that person and it almost felt like I was back in those last moments of hanging out with that person actually think i saw them one more time but it felt like some of the fallout from that it felt like maybe i was taken back to processing some of that and there was a lot of pain so it was really what I sort of realized was that pleasure as desire really is pain because I was feeling strong desire and then I was feeling really strong painful so called anxiety and actually body pain and physical pain to the point where I had to take PRN to sleep and I haven't taken that pure in for a couple of days just to make sure I get rest and and so it just really showed me that that pleasure is pain because and that desire [Music] it felt like my body was starting to make those biomolecules of that strong desire and then it was sort of transmuted into this very strong pain when I realized that it wasn't going to happen and I probably already knew it wasn't going to happen but um it's just really interesting the withdrawal from that internally create a desire and that internally created image-making where I was projecting things that I would want and so I feel like I've learned a lot in terms of that because so strong i'd be willing to drop almost everything for it yet it was just a state that i was creating within myself and i felt very similar to psychosis it felt conflicted it fell because i know in some of this very strongest moments of so-called psychosis that I've ever experienced I remember being an extreme body pain extreme terror extreme distress yet at the same time I was turned on and I thought it was really strange it was almost like the highest energies to the lowest in the body and in the mind yeah so i'm not sure what i'm talking about button and i feel like this will be translated into more action because i have to start making decisions about leaving for California which I pretty much decided i'm going to do unless I change my mind back to not going to California I just have to figure some stuff out with work because my one job I could stay here until about march in order to finish off some work or I could just not do that work and go but it could be good to have that little bit of extra money but we'll see what happens I think it's sort of better to stay out of the realm of desire whether it's a person or an object that was some really strong energy in my body was really intense but it could have been a type of recalibration as well I can still feel some of the pain in my body and I was thinking about California in terms of how it'll make better videos too so if I just stay here I'll just be talking to myself like this and by going to California at least I'll be changing things within the next two months or so a personal desire for a person is it's different than remaining worldcentric maybe that's one of the reasons why i was so painful is because it's sort of against my neurology and against my DNA it's showing me strongly that's the wrong direction and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it per se it just might not really be my life path and I've been doing a little bit of writing lately and I think I got some pretty decent stuff it's just a matter of going through it try to stay somewhat organized with it but it gets a little bit mixed up because I just have a long running list of things that sort of pop up in my mind screen and for those days that i was in that other state of like freaking out emotionally didn't really have any insight so I think that emotionalism gets in the way from the insight and the learning that is innately fulfilling I think my dopamine circus we're trying to come back online and they are just creating a lot of pain they didn't really know what was what we're pretty good at fine-tuning what's pleasure in what Spain and what is what for each of us subjectively but I feel like when we're decoupled from that and that tries to come back online it just starts creating all this pain and wildly and all this other sort of desire and pleasure wildly and it just just feels like so called psychosis almost not really sure how long I'll use this stick thing it seems okay it seems I really like this mic thing looks too official but at least I can lay here like this I'm in a different room where there's less traffic noise I just finished my Christmas shopping on Amazon Prime thank you amazon prime I think it'd be cool to have a group that normalizes and extraordinaires similar to hearing voices but not everybody hears voices for their version of having a special message special message could just mean intuition and the thing too with that is even normal people have intuition and special messages and synchronicities and extraordinary experiences so to get that group of people talking to would be really cool I thought of the term psycho trans consciousness instead of psychopathology I wonder if one could study the neuro electricity and neurophysiology of brain metamorphosis of the imaginal neurons of the brain and I was thinking about how trans conscious people might still choose to act in the old ways of consciousness just like somebody who is a lesbian might choose to still sleep with men because it's sort of the assumed and dominant paradigm of being a woman is to be a straight woman even though one might not be one and so it might be the most convenient way to acquire touch and some of the natural human needs that we have so it's more just socially available doesn't mean that it's necessarily one's preferred mode of operating and I also thought of how trans conscious people are already wearing augmented reality glasses we just can't see them we already have augmented reality capacity within us it's an eight but it's been programmed out of this we've been programmed into such a narrow band that then we think we need a mint a'dreea tea and then the universe comes in and augments our reality for us and said get with the program that reality is already pretty augmented we've just been suppressed into such a narrow band of seeing and perceiving and I feel we can get there experientially and with gestures I was thinking about gestures in terms of i was watching this talk about the placebo effect and how a person taking a pill they feel like they're going to get better so they do get better well taking a pill is a gesture it's given as a gesture by say a doctor and the pill itself is sort of a symbol it's an item of gesture and then the act of taking the pill the swallowing is a gesture so it's sort of that gesture of connection and then we think well it's the pill that does the trick while all these other kind human gestures also heal and since we are so disconnected in all the natural human gestures of say handshake or hug or looking somebody in the eyes then we have to go to a professional to have the gesture of a pill so we think we're actually going to heal when we're lacking in so many natural human gestures and that's why we need the gesture of a pill so they often talk about what's the care the doctor cares well the doctor might not actually care because it's a study so it's more and they talk about the belief that somebody will be helped by this what we do definitely believe it because the doctor is sort of a level of authority but if we're missing say 99 percent of the kind gestures in humanity and then we take this one gesture of a doctor to be the one that's going to heal well if we just all act more kindly with those kind gestures and we won't need a certain percentage of people didn't need to go to doctors for all of these ailments and I was thinking again about the analogy of the butterfly and how a caterpillar and a butterfly they both eat they both poop but still the caterpillar and the butterfly have different functions within the ecosystem so I feel like a person that goes through trans consciousness and becomes trans conscious they need to fulfill that different function within the human ecosystem within the human nervous system within the collective human nervous system so a butterfly is going to eat different food it's going to eat a different diet and as a result it's going to change the ecosystem in a different way so in the same way people that are trans conscious will be looking and perceiving and having that what if I is going to have a different effect on the ecosystem some of these are a bit random but I wrote down that if we could see that we're taking a sledgehammer to our neurons we would stop it wouldn't be a matter of choice and free will it would just be dropping it as it's not beneficial at all and that's sort of what we see in map consciousness and trans consciousness I had an insight about this whole thing about critical mass and i was thinking about how it's not necessarily that five percent of us have to sort of wake up to these other consciousness though that might be true i actually feel like it has to do with that the five percent of the brain that we do use now actually has to shut off because a lot of that is to do with the noise of the prefrontal cortex so five percent is actually talking about how we need to shut off that and map consciousness comes in and deactivates that and when it does then we're already in that other world and when we're in that other world we're creating with and as that of the world so it's not a matter of waiting for other people to get to that five percent or whatever it's that each of us must deactivate that five percent to go into map consciousness and make new maps and people are dipping in and out of that all the time mania is critical mass reversal it shuts off the five percent that is a waste of energy and it's almost like this five percent of energy that is a waste of energy is the noise getting in the way of total energy and when the noise shuts off then the ninety-five percent of our brain circuits can be used and it might actually be something that is invisible that can't necessarily be measured that's happening the brain that can't really be measured because it's something beyond thought and and how do you measure something beyond thought with thought and memory as in personal or societal memory is the appoint or of meaning so it's re cog nizon its recognition it's not actually cognition cognition is recognition it's regurgitating old information and I think I talked about this before and I wonder if there's only so much we can recognize I wonder if it has something to do with five percent as sort of like that's our working re memory so using memories constantly to organize what we're seeing in the here now and that sort of our aperture that's our reality tunnel that's our worldview and it's pretty narrow but it could be necessary as a protection from information overload wonder why our nervous system can only handle five percent I wonder why our nervous systems have been programmed to only handle five percent we're almost like five percent human beings I wrote that the circuits for desire crowd out the other human capacities and I probably wrote that a while ago maybe I was writing that when I was experiencing that whole desire stuff but it definitely crowded out everything else I'm it's interesting that's not necessarily my default state but i can still definitely go back there and it's not about suppressing desire it's it was an opportunity for me to see and learn about desire and I feel like part of what map consciousness does is it comes in and crowds out all the overgrown desire circuits it could even be that they say we use five percent of our brain because we're not using all those other capacities and it could be almost like desire has infected the whole brain so it's sort of like a marbling of scar tissue throughout the brain this whole desire complex when maybe it's supposed to be just like one little part of the brain but it's like all in the brain and it's like stopping all the other proper functions from arising and giving us that richness and complexity that we need in order to not feel like we need to desire so we're desiring and desiring and we're desiring just a very narrow band of things and then by desiring a narrow band we're not experiencing the complexity of what we would experience if we weren't desiring such a narrow band and then we wouldn't need to desire because we'd be experiencing the richness so it's kind of like this thing that's happened is like this one faculty has taken over the whole brain our attention our attention circuitry is on our desires which aren't something here now so our attention isn't on the here now I was thinking about the mystery and how the mystery wants us to talk about it it wants us to talk about it as mystery not as science science is for the very limited number of scientists and then they tell us what to think and then that makes life not mysterious so we don't really talk too much about the mysteries of life and I feel talking about the mysteries of life is it's a state of surrender it's a state of let go it's a state of wonder it's a state of awe is just talking and wondering and being curious and not really having to grasp onto anything at all and I wonder why we aren't talking to each other in this way the normal process of science is to have one idea or hypothesis and then design an experiment to prove it when we could be thinking of infinite hypotheses each just by talking openly and wondering and not necessarily having to prove anything per se but by having these sorts of conversations then things will unfold in the dialogue of life instead of unfolding as science is saying that it should and I'm not saying there's no place for science i'm just wondering why we're not talking more about the mystery of life too and anyone can do that you don't need a degree for that and i feel like because we're not talking about it eventually comes out in our behavior it's like a pile up of the mystery not talked about gets acted out and then we're mystified by somebody's behavior and then we put them through some kind of scientific protocol to get them back into their normal way of being when it's pretty it seems natural that some people are going to break out of one so-called normal way of being and relating the universe wants us to relate in a different way wants us to relate about the mystery but then we demystify the mystery of somebody acting out of character by just popping pills and when it comes out in behavior the universe wants us to talk about the mysteries of consciousness like wow this person's consciousness changed from their regular motive operating and look at how this changed behavior but we don't relate about the mystery we talk about the person's behavior we're actually missing the root the change in consciousness and it's not okay for one to change one's consciousness I was talking to one of my friends and I said something like I'm a mystery I'm fascinated by myself because of all this so-called psychosis and things just infinitely mysterious and she said I'm not fascinated by myself and it's the way she said it sounded really funny kind of had to be

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.