It seeming like I'm saying what to do, or how to do it, or what's right. I'm not doing that at all. And my motivation is to help other people like me somehow, but not by saying the way to do it. Because I really don't know. And that that would be negating people's ability to direct themselves and direct their own lives. So I'm showing me directing my own life and hoping that might help others in some way. Yesterday, I shared that somebody I know from my mental health community had died last year, and I didn't know. And it wasn't long after that other person from my community had died. And I didn't know that that person died. And these, these, these tragedies that happen these, these shortening of people's lives that happen are what motivate me to keep going. I remember reading that book, the grape care, and the lady was trying to carry herself with cancer with grapes. And she shared the struggle of her story and how, at one point she wanted to give up, but then she realized that she needed to live and succeed in order to help people. And at times, I felt like, I don't know if I'll be able to continue to go on, especially when I'm nearly about to end my own life by my own hands, I really don't know if I'm going to be able to keep going. And it doesn't even seem like it's my choice. But I'm still here, I'm still going. And it's sort of a slow go of a journey. But I feel like I need to figure stuff out enough to be able to stay strong in this type of perspective. Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking these bits of meaning to myself, that I've seen and created myself or I've created these perspectives and reframes and whatever you want to call it. And maybe one day, I'll just speak this way, and I won't write them down, I'll just be able to speak this way, in a powerful way to help other people and to keep the other paradigms away from people. So I spoke with my brain twin just, I just got off the phone, and he said he was struggling

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Today I'm going to try this product organic energy drink pilots friend fruit tonic. And it has a lot of caffeine in it. So I'm going to try it doesn't say whether I'm supposed to shake it or not. So I'm not going to in case it's a little bit carbonated. And here we go. I said Kraft. It says crafted in Italy by doctors for pilots. So let's see if I can take off today. When I try to talk to myself a bunch today. It's actually quite tasty. Fruit tonic, it tastes like fruit. I already had my yerba Mattei, which has caffeine in it too. And it is an easy switch from coffee to yerba Mattei. For me. I like the Waukee brand. He was featured on a documentary about sustainability or something I can't remember what documentary it was, Oh, it was the documentary with the guy who jumped out of the window and asleep or something. And he was said to have some kind of disorder and he woke up in the hospital with a broken bone and changed his life. I don't remember his name now. But anyway, he featured that company and I knew about them probably 10 years ago at the eco friendly show here and they talked about how at least at the time, their packaging was completely completely compostable and stuff and I've been drinking their yerba Mattei for years, it's a lot cheaper to buy it from them online in bulk. If you drink a lot of it, then then retail.

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I forgot to share an important part of the story, the sad story that I was sharing yesterday about a friend acquaintance of mine dying last year that I just found out about yesterday. And the interesting thing was, we're talking about this person. And then in the background, we're watching music videos, like retro music videos. And the video that was on. When we were talking about this person, which we saw after we were talking about them, or talking about how sad it was, the name of the artists, the first name of the artist on the TV music video was the same as the first name of the person who passed away. So then I said, Oh, they can hear us they're communicating with us. Yeah, whoo. So that was, that was cool. And everyone thought it was a neat way to look at it. So now that I talked to myself about how perhaps, the feeling of future consciousness of so called mania is his presence is eternity. Perhaps it's an algorithm of eternity and has nothing to do with future. So could be eternity consciousness. And then what happens when we go through the wormhole of brain algorithms, back to consciousness of self, which isn't creative, and it's actually non existent. So so the eternity consciousness is existence, whereas living in thought, and the feeling of having a separate self is illusion, or maybe Maya, as the Buddhists would say.

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And I'm just waiting to see my counselor. And I got three new notebooks because I filled up my last two. I kind of like these ones because the pen goes on the paper better, that doesn't leak as much. Work hard, dream big, be brave. And get busy. I like to be. I like honeycombs, and that structure of how they all connect together. And I think we're kind of like a honeycomb structure. Humanity is and then I went to the health food store to try to get vitamin C serum, but it was so outrageously priced high. And I know I can get it cheaper on Amazon. So I'm going to do that. But I got a drink that I've never seen before. I've seen the bread company, they're the apple cider vinegar people and the liquid aminos people, but they have a drink, and it's Concord grapes. So I just thought I would try it and buy something in there. And yeah. And I also got a coffee. And when I was driving to the health food store, I took a different way I took the way the maps told me and I saw a metaphysical bookstore, so I might pop by there after my appointment, and then somewhere else and then I'm driving out to see a friend. I'm feeling pretty tired. These last couple of days, because I'm taking only a quarter of Sapa cone and I'm not sleeping as much.

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And I think what can happen is in mania is there is a sort of dreaming while awake algorithm in the brain. So there's lucid dreaming, where one becomes consciously aware, one is dreaming, and then controls the dream. And I think what happens in mania is that the person, whether they know it or not, has been woken up from the dream of objectivity. And one is more in contact with subjectivity, like a dreamer would be. But I don't know, if we are usually aware of this, it just sort of changes in is kind of magical. And we're like, oh, this is strange. But I think that which realize is it that which wakes up is something more universal. So it could be a universal human consciousness. It's not that a self or a thought, is aware that one is dreaming. Like the self is this structure of thinking. And in order to wake up, well awake. That's that self structure needs to actually dissipate. Because that's all structures that actually which is wasting our energy in lower energetic states of the brain. Because it's repetitive. So all of a sudden, now we're in this really awake state where nothing feels like repetition, everything feels so new. We're looking at something as if it's for the first time. And in a way, that's because we're not looking through thought. We're not looking through the lens of the thought of self. We're just looking. So there's something totally different.

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I haven't really spent a lot of time in this room. And I'm trying to speak a little quiet because this house really echoes. And after I finished my Subway sandwich, a friend of mine texted and said, Hey, do you want to come and visit my little studio set for my TV show. And so I said, Yeah, and I had to be there in half an hour. So I dropped everything and went there. And it was kind of neat. Very cool. And I sort of wanted to see what kind of setup he has to have a little TV show. Just curious and curious to see what he does, because he really connects people, he's really good at interviewing people, he's very positive, I really resonate and gravitate towards this person. And so it was a great experience to be able to do that. And that's sort of what I think is cool about how the last three months I spent time mostly out and about eating at restaurants, sitting in a coffee shop, meeting a friend in the sitting in their coffee shop. Not really talking to too many strangers and things not really having any bad interactions, but not having. Like, if I was in Romania, I would probably meet a lot of people and they'd be talking to me and things. 

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Things are really unpredictable for example, might not be able to tell, but there's a haze from fires in the interior. And they just, it just arrived this morning because it wasn't like this yesterday so you can see it better there because the sun is kind of blurred out. And the reason I mentioned this is because it was raining for a couple days or cloudy without the smoke and I was thinking well after after the rain goes away, I'll be able to sit in the sun and get a tan well I can't really do that now because there's smoke and there probably will be for some period of time think last year was like that for quite a while. Spider eating a bug. So as much as we'd like things to be predictable, they're just not that way. All of a sudden the smoke from the interior makes its way down here and it's the sun. vibration is largely inaccessible. And I got a little bag of hide shoes. I bought a Costco bag a couple weeks ago and I ate it pretty quick. So I got a small bag because they were at the drugstore where I dropped off my prescription for nausea Nan and they said is discontinued or they can only get the five milligrams not the two which is what I was prescribed. So they're gonna have to do some dangling to get the fives and then at the doctor to change it to two and a half milligram prescription so I can take half and my doctor also upped the dosage of trazadone to up to 150 a night I've been taking 100 I could try 150 and skip this awful cone but I've been sleeping so well and I don't really want to mess with it right now. So I'm going to keep up that same regime of two and a half Cotai pain 100 milligrams trazadone and half is awful calm and I went down to one Benadryl um, I try to get rid of the Benadryl. And yeah, so high twos. Remember reading an article on Dr. mercola.com, saying it's good to have less than 67 grams of sugar a day? Well, there's 25 grams and eight pieces of these

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There's a lot of bugs in the grass here. So I feel kinda like, grumpy about that for some reason. And yeah, I think I heard someone calling me but I was in my dark room, and I just didn't get up. So I feel like that's partly because I didn't know what time it was. And then I looked at the time and it was late and I missed out so I kind of feel bad, feel maybe mad at myself. Because I know I have a bit of a wall up. in general. It's sort of like, walling off that energy as to not share it with anyone because they don't want it from what I've seen in previous waves of that energy. So I feel kind of disconnected and even more forgetful about people. And I still feel kind of like, I'm just not going to come back. And so maybe part of putting up that wall is just preparing myself for that perspective of, I don't know, if I'm coming back then I had a little bit of suicidal thinking. And it's like, no, don't think that way, just think I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back here doesn't mean like death would be the same thing leaving and not coming back. But so is going on a trip and then going with the flow after that. So just feel a little bit weird, I don't know. And there are a lot of bugs in this grass. And I signed up for for Steve pavilion as 30 day abundance deep dive was 100 bucks us and I'm just watching some of his bonus videos right now he has one on subject subjective reality, which I think is something I need to learn about.

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I'm gonna keep talking to myself, not every day, but whenever just for the sake of continuation of the journey. And mainly what I do lately is wake up shower, but I didn't this morning and then leave the house and do whatever, wander around. And I'm finding that I'm losing any sense of being able to create a routine because I don't have a home that's fully equipped with everything I need to make routine, like a kitchen. So I'm spending way too much money eating at restaurants. Yesterday, I spent $25, on dinner, I spent 10 bucks on coffee and ice cream. And that was it. That's a lot $35 a day that could almost pay rent. So yeah, I need to be better about that. But I'm also enjoying hanging out with friends when I'm with friends. And usually we'll eat at a restaurant or something. So it's not bad. But it's not sustainable. But I am planning to leave in a month or so anyway. So it's just sort of the cost of not having a kitchen, and I am getting a sense of what it is like to live just having a place to sleep and shower, which is enough in the summertime. In the wintertime, it wouldn't really be good, it wouldn't work out because I don't want to stay there during the day. And so I'm just heating up some waffles at someone else's house, and then I'm going to go spend a day in the sun. Yesterday, I went for a hike and then late at a park and then went for dinner and then watched a movie. I watched the Stanford Prison Experiment, which was interesting.

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When the brain speeds up, it goes further and further into the dimension of light. So then, if one is still around the dimension of matter and heaviness like, for example, a bipolar person living with their parents, parents have a different worldview. Bipolar people can take many worldviews. So when the brain speeds up, one can get a lot done. But then in order to really. So if I go out and about in the world, and I'm perception action, like, I don't know if I'm in matter or light, and other people don't either, and that doesn't matter. But then when I come back home, I'm definitely needing to slow down here, my brain has to slow down because energy levels are slower. I can get faster here, like I could work on my computer all day and speed up in this environment, but then I would have to slow down like brain would naturally. And when it does slow down, it can be painful, it can be sad, it can one can start crying or being moody. 

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