even simon Sinek says find your why and I feel this whole idea of finding your why is even more important in mania I feel mania actually allows us to find and connect with our why one of my wise was people are suffering and there's homeless people out there and there shouldn't be homeless people and so and also violence against women and children and and so I didn't have to find my why it found me and that's another thing with mania as there are so many aspects to it that people are trying to search for and implement in their life by reading books and and taking workshops and then somebody that goes into mania or manic consciousness is gifted all of that but usually they fall on their face at some point and then all the gift part that is kind of far removed is forgotten about and that's why I think it's important to harvest one's mania so if somebody falls on their face gets up takes wellness recovery action plan takes bipolar and order and different courses in order to get some function back once a person gets a function back it's important to go back and harvest one's mania for the why why did I make it through that why am I here on earth why did the universe kick my ass and now I'm kind of back standing what am I going to do with the information that the universe gave me that state that experience gave me how can I harvest that to step into what I am here to do on earth my cause my why and so many of us are lacking meaning in our life and mania gives us that not only that the state of mania I actually feel is close to a flow state I feel it's actually an enhanced flow state in that a person can be in flow in daily life they don't actually have to be surfing a wave they're surfing the wave of the universe the wave of that energy and that's putting a person in flow without having to think these are the five steps to flow are these are the things i have to do know this person who has this propensity to go into this consciousness has no choice there is no choice and in that way there's focus because there's no choice so that's why i'm saying it's important to get with what it was that was the vision in that state because it's going to come back and even if a person has a sense of control over those energies it's important to be able to thrive and i feel that the most powerful way to thrive is with whatever the cause whatever the why was that you connected with in that state because that was a message that was a special message so not just about getting back in order in order to thrive it's what were the special messages and how are you going to make that relational moving forward to change the fabric of reality and that could be success that researchers are trying to figure out like how is it that someone in those states or have bipolar are successful while there's so many of these different elements that come into play throughout the process it's it changes and it reap a turns our minds and our brains and our whole bodies and it's a process that alters our process going forward so to to think how is it that a person successful you kind of have to go through it yourself in order to know otherwise you know you can just pick little bits of abstraction from one's own scientific viewpoint from observable characteristics just like somebody might think oh that person's hallucinating and they're delusional and they're this as this yet inside a person would be having the most profound experience inwardly subjectively that's repattern patterning their whole being yet to the outside looking in it just looks like a bunch of delusion so again a person even observing the success of a person in the end of the process could say oh they did this and they did this and then they did this well that would just be abstracting from the surface that has nothing to do with the actual inward alchemy the inward Alka mania that happens it has nothing to do with that so to even spend in time abstracting about it is kind of a waste of time and I wrote t

even simon Sinek says find your why and I feel this whole idea of finding your why is even more important in mania I feel mania actually allows us to find and connect with our why one of my wise was people are suffering and there's homeless people out there and there shouldn't be homeless people and so and also violence against women and children and and so I didn't have to find my why it found me and that's another thing with mania as there are so many aspects to it that people are trying to search for and implement in their life by reading books and and taking workshops and then somebody that goes into mania or manic consciousness is gifted all of that but usually they fall on their face at some point and then all the gift part that is kind of far removed is forgotten about and that's why I think it's important to harvest one's mania so if somebody falls on their face gets up takes wellness recovery action plan takes bipolar and order and different courses in order to get some function back once a person gets a function back it's important to go back and harvest one's mania for the why why did I make it through that why am I here on earth why did the universe kick my ass and now I'm kind of back standing what am I going to do with the information that the universe gave me that state that experience gave me how can I harvest that to step into what I am here to do on earth my cause my why and so many of us are lacking meaning in our life and mania gives us that not only that the state of mania I actually feel is close to a flow state I feel it's actually an enhanced flow state in that a person can be in flow in daily life they don't actually have to be surfing a wave they're surfing the wave of the universe the wave of that energy and that's putting a person in flow without having to think these are the five steps to flow are these are the things i have to do know this person who has this propensity to go into this consciousness has no choice there is no choice and in that way there's focus because there's no choice so that's why i'm saying it's important to get with what it was that was the vision in that state because it's going to come back and even if a person has a sense of control over those energies it's important to be able to thrive and i feel that the most powerful way to thrive is with whatever the cause whatever the why was that you connected with in that state because that was a message that was a special message so not just about getting back in order in order to thrive it's what were the special messages and how are you going to make that relational moving forward to change the fabric of reality and that could be success that researchers are trying to figure out like how is it that someone in those states or have bipolar are successful while there's so many of these different elements that come into play throughout the process it's it changes and it reap a turns our minds and our brains and our whole bodies and it's a process that alters our process going forward so to to think how is it that a person successful you kind of have to go through it yourself in order to know otherwise you know you can just pick little bits of abstraction from one's own scientific viewpoint from observable characteristics just like somebody might think oh that person's hallucinating and they're delusional and they're this as this yet inside a person would be having the most profound experience inwardly subjectively that's repattern patterning their whole being yet to the outside looking in it just looks like a bunch of delusion so again a person even observing the success of a person in the end of the process could say oh they did this and they did this and then they did this well that would just be abstracting from the surface that has nothing to do with the actual inward alchemy the inward Alka mania that happens it has nothing to do with that so to even spend in time abstracting about it is kind of a waste of time and I wrote t

so I'm reading an article written by Tom Wooten about how there are advantages in bipolar and it's no longer about if their advantage is but why their advantages and how there are advantages and if you've been watching any of my videos I've talked quite a bit already about my own personal experience and how I feel that a lot of it is advantageous and and also why that is so for me it's not a question of if personally so it's only been recent in actual scientific inquiry that there are advantages and I guess maybe it's not that recent because there's that book called a first-rate madness and one of the people featured in this article actually wrote that book and I have that book and I've never read it I'm not sure why I think it just seems so wordy and I guess all books are actually birdie but just the formatting and everything it just didn't jive with my brain so I never got that interested in it Tom wrote an article about these distinguished panelists who gave a presentation in their research about the research into why people with bipolar disorder tend to exhibit advantages in some parts of their life so the fact of the matter is that they do exhibit advantages in some parts of their life and they're trying to figure out why if they want to look for some possible hypotheses they can watch my videos or I might actually contact them tell them the first lady cherie johnson says people with bipolar disorder tend to work harder towards their goals and refuse to give up long after normal people do and will why could this be one thing I can think of off the top of my head is that maybe people with so called bipolar disorder have goals that are more in alignment with the actual universe and not just personal greedy little goals and even if their goals are maybe a bit more self-centered they might actually have very positive intentions with their goals so it could be the intentions as well because there's no point in working super hard towards complete meaninglessness so I feel people with bipolar disorder often have a connection to a meaning greater than their own personal ego gratification or maybe they do connect with meaning towards their ego personal gratification but they actually feel meaning in that versus most people have just a sense of meaninglessness in their lives so I feel people with the bipolar disorder connect with meaning some kind of meaning and then you think well why do they connect with meaning well to me there's an ego scrambling process of some sort it weakens the ego it can actually manifest as apparently appearing as a stronger ego but to me that's actually just connecting with passion behind the meaning of something even if it's maybe a personal thing but a person becomes way more passionate because they've connected with something in themselves that's beyond the ego fear defense mechanisms that think so I can't do this or I shouldn't do this so one also connects with that ability that energy because that ego structure has lost its hold and it's grab and since a person I've talked about before isn't thinking in this self-reflexive destructive circular way it's not wasting that energy it's like if a person was thinking that way you know the water just goes around the paddles and sort of spreads everywhere and it's a waste of energy it dissipates energy and a person is able to channel energy in a certain way perhaps because there's more meaning and passion behind that so a person might actually seem more like they have more of an ego but they don't necessarily it could be whatever the energy is that is driving them is creating that manifestation of themselves as passionate and you know not going to put up with someone's crap and they're just going to go about doing what they know they need to do and a lot of people they say with bipolar disorder succeed in say management because they don't have that ego sense so much and they are sensitive to other people so they know what they need to do in order to empow

you might be wondering why I'm dressed like this well this Halloween so I thought I would take a break from my regular costume of playing a mental patient in Cognito and be a cow and that's just for today and I'm still a little bit under the weather but I have an hour before I have to finish getting ready for work so I thought I would just talk feeling a tiny bit disconnected actually and and it's strange because this morning i was i was jumping on my trampoline and then I was dancing to music with my headphones in and then then I felt a bit disconnected and I feel like it's possibly because I go into this like celebration mode which is even less ego than my normal waking consciousness and even just sitting here and talking to myself on these videos there's some level of ego consciousness there but in that celebration state it's not really necessary and yet in that celebration state it's not really possible to stay in that state all the time so it's almost like going to a really good concert and when you're in the concert it's just so good and enjoying it and then when the concerts over you kind of have this little afterglow from the concert plus you have this but of sadness that it's over and I don't know if it's sadness that that states over as much as it just is a different state and there's this felt difference and it's almost like that bit of ego comes back in and it's felt as kind of like discomfort it's felt as like an intrusion almost because it was so absent for that period of time and so I just find it interesting because there was this other time that I was in total celebration mode and I found a song that I really liked and I was just so into it for like two hours and then the next day I was you know so called really depressed and I feel to it could be partly just the difference the difference in feeling of feeling nothing not feeling itself to having the self come back in and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing it's just something to notice and be aware of and if I'm aware of it in that way maybe I won't pathologize myself and think oh like I'm I'm going to be going downhill but at the same time I do need to be aware because I've talked about in other videos how I want to avoid the psych ward at all costs because of my previous experience and so right now because I feel a little bit kind of like discontent or something it feels strange I'll be even more watchful because that strangeness invites a little bit of fear and the ego is fear often so it could just be the ego trying to re-establish a groove I know the thing with mania is like a person is in that constant celebration state and they can't turn it off and when it finally does turn off a person goes through something like a psychosis and to me I just went into sort of that mini celebration stay for a short period of time maybe like half an hour and so there's like this mini calm down this mini like a little feeling like oh just like coming off a drug you know and my body was making its own inner inner neurotransmitters and things to reflect that state of celebration and when those are withdrawn through not being in that mode anymore through kind of coming back to more of a regular consciousness there's a there's a sense that that is going away so in manic consciousness or mania it's like maybe somebody's in that state for a month or longer and so the calm down is absolutely astronomical and so I just felt that I think on a mini scale and it's not necessarily a sign of illness it's just it's just the body having a different sensation from that state of celebration and then coming back to regular consciousness and people do that even in a regular basis they they feel a bit better and then the field it worse just in regular consciousness and then they try to do something to make themselves feel better well I was just doing something that made myself feel really good jumping on my trampoline and dancing listening to music and then when I stopped that

I'm feeling a little bit under the weather so i'll see if i can talk to myself today or not playing with my little DNA tangler I don't know if you've ever seen one of these but I saw it one time and I just had to buy it even though I don't really think I need it but it's kind of fun supposed to help people with fidgety propensity I developed my first anti-suicide kit for those who feel like they might lose control and do it even though they actually don't want to feel like in my case I don't want to and it came across a video of this girl on YouTube and she said she woke up with all of her sleeping pills and the her bubble pack popped out into a vial and she doesn't remember doing that so she's actually afraid of her own self killing her and she wouldn't remember now I'm kind of afraid in that way too but mhm mine is usually more like I like pop out of bed and think I have to kill myself and I'm actually kind of like running around like that so this way i would grab my kit and then fastened myself to say my bedpost with my phone nearby so i can keep myself safe until help comes and so I have it's just a zap strap and for seroquel and I could take two seroquel or I could decide to take four and four is not going to kill me but it's really gonna knock me out and the zap strap is 16 inches so it's not long enough to like hang myself with because that's the thing this little intervention can work for one or against one so if I really wanted to die and I want to swallow entire bunch of pills and then fasten myself so I couldn't call for help then I would be dead for sure but this is supposed to be designed for those of us who actually want to live it's this will help keep people that really want to kill themselves kill themselves for sure and I'll help people that really don't want to kill themselves not themselves so it's a sort of a pro-choice thing and and I don't want to kill myself so that's why I carry this now in my purse I used to have just the Zap strap in there but I thought of the idea to put the Zap strap with the seroquel so i don't have to grab the entire bottle of seroquel i can just grab this and that's it and i even thought of the idea of putting some kind of like hydration pill in here to keep one hydrated because they say you can last three days without water so the hydration pill would make a person be able to last a few days if by chance i fastened myself but wasn't able to grab my phone for some reason i would at least maybe be alive long enough to not be dead by virtue of just being there sort of laying there rotting and the thing too is part of me feels like once I'm fastened I might actually just like breathe it out for a while actually go through the experience and and just let my body stay still and not be so freaked out by it well I would be freaked out by it but i would i would stay still and let the inner experience happen somewhat because i already did that one time even though i wasn't planning on it and it was a really weird experience but that's the one thing that's another thing i might actually i might be losing my voice I don't even know maybe I talked too much the other day two days ago I made maybe like three hours or the video and so it's it's odd that someday I could talk for like three hours of video then other days I can't say anything I think yesterday I tried to make a video and I was going to try and do another couple hours maybe but i stopped at 20 minutes and I was just like lit and yesterday i wrote the Mensa test just for fun and I really don't think I pass but it was kind of fun actually just to sit there like did a bit pizza and it would be kind of funny I don't think my brain works that way new anymore anyway but it's just kind of funny and yesterday too I did a longer session of tre drama and tension releasing exercises and i bought the app so i followed the videos and i did the exercises and then I did the trauma releasing exercise and and it really did something I don't kno

I just found out that Abba is doing some kind of reunion I think this proves that there is a God for sure but anyways I want to talk a little bit more about flow and then I might be over it for now I was just thinking about the comparison of somebody achieving achieving flow through say extreme adventure sports and that would take say a number of hours to get to the point where a person would be in flow while they're doing the activity and even to the point where they they master it and I even feel like a person would have to ride bigger and bigger waves to achieve that flow state so it would be a flow state but it would still be a state of sort of seeking that experience and doing a particular experience to get there and I feel like the manic flow that's induced by the universe no particular experience is needed wanting a particular experience actually gets in the way and a person can be so in flow in daily life that one is brought to tears by the beauty of a flower and that is seeing the flower beyond the ego so to me that's spending all this time getting to the point where one can get in flow in some kind of particular sport is missing the point as well it's not really a state that we need to try to get to to think that we need to try to get to it is actually getting in the way of us being the air we don't really have to do anything in particular I think there's a little bit of a difference of say being in a flow state naturally say embodying one's mania and practicing one's mania to actually be able to contain the flow that's what I feel like with the manic consciousness it's more about practicing to be that elite athlete version of oneself in daily life to actually be able to contain the extreme energy of flow this dream energy the extreme energy of flow that is the manic consciousness is like a huge wave that one needs to ride in daily life and one doesn't even have a choice the power of the universe just brings it in and it's up to us to sort of embody that and be able to ride that wave in daily life and all that extra energy is for the good of the world it's not for one's particular pleasure and if it gets turned into that it disappears so it's interesting how people in extreme adventure sports turn it into sort of like a particular pleasure and they have to keep repeating it in order to get it back there's not that much difference from doing that and say taking MDMA and having one's ego erased it's sort of relying on external circumstances to produce that oneness state with the universe that state is how it is we don't have to do anything to produce it in my mind it would be much more powerful for people to just practice these spontaneous social behaviors and and break up the habits of the normal ego consciousness and do random acts of kindness and and change the social fabric that way which would actually maybe create the preconditions for this natural wave of energy to to infuse one's being because it's always there is just being blocked by our habits in our regular thinking process so it's more about breaking up that thinking process and using extreme sports is one way to do it look if a person starts to get flowy and then decides they want to get into some kind of sport well that's fine once one is in that sort of flow consciousness it's a different state of seeing and being from which to make decisions or to notice what one wants to participate with it's a learning by playing and one is actually playing with one's life and life energy and is an instrument of play and I thought of the question is this a playful universe as opposed to is this friendly universe and if it's playful it means we can play again and we can learn again and I also thought of this idea about how a person that goes into manic consciousness their energy is a different level their consciousness is a different level and if you think of Rupert Sheldrake more of a genetic field it's almost like the morphic genetic field level of one society is

to take up some kind of experience in order to get into the flow is actually escapism if it doesn't have a value and daily life it doesn't really have that much value the universe doesn't care about our little story going on in our head and that story and stuff going on in our head is actually what blocks us from being in communion with the universe the universe is not words it's words that separates us from the universe they talked about how flow increases productivity that's wonderful but at the same time we need to think about what are we producing and maybe some of the more productive flow moments are actually when we're producing something in alignment with what we're designed to produce by the universe and we wonder why we're not in flow look at what most people are doing with their lives there's a cog in the machine of society producing crap that we probably don't need to fulfill some kind of pleasure because we're dulled out by the ego thoughts because we're doing stupid crap so maybe it's a lot about the design of society as well and and I feel like through our programming I feel like through our programming we've been taught to stop learning for ourselves we don't know how to actually learn if we were always learning we would naturally be flowing we would be flowing from learning to learning and I feel like flowing is in not knowing because the ego is the one that knows it's the known it's the stuff we're thinking about that we already thought about before I'm kind of attached to that for some reason now when that is gone something else can come in to place and that's just the natural way that we actually learn as human beings which we had when we were young so again all this flow stuff is kind of like I feel there's got to be some kind of feedback to inform the system of education not to program kids out of flow in the first place then we won't need all these fancy contraptions we have the most fabulous contraption in the entire known universe the human body and brain and yet we're like looking around for some other contraption like oh where is it where is it it's our own GD brains for God's sakes I don't know why we don't see that is because we're always talking about ourselves in our head and it has nothing to do with anything our own personal story is a groove in our brain and it actually makes us decay over time it wastes our energy waste our vitality contorts our body and we wonder why there's like brain disease now where people start losing their neural connections and the brain breaks down if we take the entire globe and then a person just decided to run around a 400-meter track and field track their entire life that track would wear down and they'd probably be 10 feet into the ground and there'd be a groove there and they wouldn't have any knowledge or any experience of the rest of the entire world well that's kind of like what thinking along the same lines is all the time is that we only see what we're thinking and you know we kind of think we're seeing everything else because we have this vision we open our eyes or ears are open we can hear stuff but we're really not seeing eye I don't even know if it's true but something like the the brain fills in like fifty percent of the visual field so we're not really seeing that much it could even be more that it fills in it fills in conversations and maybe it has to fill it in because we're actually not in the moment if we were in the moment maybe it would have the capacity to not need to fill stuff in and kind of like play tricks on us in order for us to get through the day and who knows if that's true and if you think about society this is a society that we've created because we're not in flow this was not created by human beings in flow in natural play creativity laughter bonding that's not how the society was created and then we wonder why we're not in flow well society's not really created that way and even you think about people that have these like spirit

I'm feeling super flowy so i think i'm going to go back to talking about my own interpretation of flow as possibly an equivalent to the experience of mania now before you jump to conclusions about what i just said i have a lot of explaining to do and it's not really a linear correlation it's not exactly the same but i feel like there's a lot of congruence ease and i was listening again to a talk by Steven Kotler I think I said that right this time and everything he talks about when he's talking about flow if I would replace the word mania it's a similar experience to me so Steven Kotler has never been in an experience of mania so he wouldn't necessarily have the same realization that it's a very similar state and if it's not a similar state at least has a lot of similar underlying principles and properties so he hasn't been in the manic state to know when he's listening to himself that he's talking about something when he's talking about flow he's really also talking about the experience of mania he talks about how flow is a spectrum he talks about how there's five neurotransmitters or neural chemicals that are our part of the flow state that we make inside our brains and bodies and and he said sometimes we have partial flow states where some of the neuro chemicals or neurotransmitters of flow some of the five are present but not all of them so I'm thinking to myself that mania is somewhere on that spectrum and it could even be an experience that is hyper flow like even beyond the regular flow experience or it could be maybe having some of those neurotransmitters but not all of them and of course there would have to be some kind of studies to actually confirm the neurobiology and neurophysiology and neural electricity of people that are in mania but good luck finding them to study them because when they're in that state of flow they're just flowing with the universe and not really one to want to be subjects of study and usually a person is treated after the fact after the mania turns into something else and person is then intervened with in some way and stephen also talks about how his flow state that he experienced healed him of Lyme's disease that he was debilitated for by for three years and in my mind if you think flow States heal it's possible that manic States heal and a lot of people that go into these states have maybe a history of trauma or they went traveling or they can't sleep or some people maybe fasted all these things can put a person into that manic state and in my mind if I'm going to keep with the theme that mania is equivalent to flow in a lot of ways it's possible that the manic state is a healing state in my experience I had some trauma happen before I experienced mania a couple of months before and I was having a hard time with it and then all of a sudden my being went into a state of complete ecstasy and wonderment for over a month and if I think about how I was basically struggling with in my psyche all of a sudden my psyche was blown apart my ego disappeared and I was just in a state of childlike wonder play creativity flow for over a month that could possibly have been a healing mechanism that could possibly have been almost like I was in so much pain and suffering that my my psyche went into that state in order to sort of overcompensate for the suffering I've had for a number of months and that's just a theory but to me I'm just comparing how his flow state healed him and I think that there's some healing that happens in the manic state and again I'm not glorifying mania but at the same time there's a lot of positivity in it and it usually doesn't it usually doesn't end up positive in the end people usually crash in some way and there's a number of thoughts about why that might be so for one a person's not used to operating without one's ego and in mania it's not operate it's not operating a person's not operating from their regular consciousness where they're stuck in the repetitive story that ke

I want to talk about the word meme and a meme is just an idea or thought or a word its equivalent in biology would be a gene and I've read that there are thoughts that memes replicate just like jeans do so jeans replicate in biological reproduction and memes get passed in the form of thoughts and everything through our brains and our brain cells and lately I've been having more insights about the whole ego me thing the ego is the me and it's interesting that meme is spelled m e m which is me me so it's something in my mind that gets passed from one me to another me so Mimi not only that is once it is in someone's brain in order for it to replicate it has to happen more than once unless somebody I think it does have to happen more than once if somebody has that meme and then wants to pass it on they at least have to process it and think about it and think about it again to pass it on and even if they forget about it after that point it still was a me me in their mind so it goes from me to me from ego to ego and I might have talked before how I'm really seeing that language is really a virus it gets stuck in our brains so memes are kind of like word viruses and i guess some could be more positive than others actually when i first had a scary experience of altered states of consciousness otherwise known as psychosis at one point when I would look at the computer there would be stuff that was probably there or not there I actually might have taken a picture of this one but I'm not I can't remember but it was just a totally benign website i was looking at and in the top margin it said languages of virus so when i was in that scary state of consciousness i was seeing scary messages everywhere so i'm looking at the computer at saying language as a virus i'm looking at language I'm saying Oh what do I do and it freaked me out but I'm seeing now that it's really true that language is a virus we can use language or language can use us and I think most the time it uses us because we're conditioned by thoughts were conditioned by education and J Krishnamurti talks a lot about this and I'm not saying his name in order to say I'm representing him or even know what he was talking about I don't per se I've I've studied his stuff for probably eight years but it's only now that i'm actually really starting to see what he's saying and i know throughout the process of studying his writings and his talks on youtube i always have some level of oh I see what he's saying but with his talks and his writings that I see what he's saying always keeps going it's continuous it's not oh I see what he's saying conceptually and then try to memorize it and or forget about it you actually see what he's saying or you don't see it it's not about actually being like yeah yeah that makes sense it's about actually really seeing it so there's a very subtle line between agreeing with it and conceptualizing it and actually seeing what he's saying and I feel like perhaps I'm getting to the point where I'm actually seeing what he's saying with regards to the language aspect I could be deluding myself I have to just drop it and keep learning but what I'm saying is that some of my insights are similar to stuff that he says he says it in a different way but I've been kind of coming up with it or seeing it it appears on my mind screen as I see this without actually listening to or reading his teachings I'm actually observing it within myself so I'm actually reading that within my off and i'm not sure where else we can really read things from but within ourselves and even if i think about my experiences of so-called psychosis it's always thoughts it's always words it's always language so I've gotten to the point where I've come really close to ending my life because I'm taken over by this language and these images attached to the language and also these felt feeling senses in my body and it's all like an attack of language of memes and I don't know where they come from but

the universe works through a process of magic and i'm not sure if you felt that when you were in mania i think the word manic could be changed to magic and even though it's magic it's not really that magical what I really mean is that the universe works in a way that's beyond our logical ego minds capacity to see and we have thought processes and then we have science that uses thought to think about the universe and and try and see how it works by the scientific method and that's somewhat helpful but at the same time that doesn't mean that the universe works based on science it just means that using the scientific method there's going to be scientific discoveries about the universe but that doesn't mean that that's how the universe works it doesn't work the way our mind logically works we see it that way because that's how our mind works based on logic but that's not necessarily how it is and to me we come across that in the state of mania would wow the world works in incredible ways but we don't see it that way on a daily basis so it's not really that magical it's magic only in that it's something that we don't understand how it works obviously we don't and we probably never will the universe once showed me that I'll never understand how it works and this was probably the weirdest experience I ever had in so-called psychosis was I went to the hospital and I tried to get in the hospital and they turned me away and I came back to my place and that was blood on a red pepper in my place and I was like what the hell and then I said like what the hell to my mom just no no she acts weird when that happens I don't know what oh it's not that weird I'm like this is massed and so I ended up in the psych ward a couple days later and then when I got home a couple days after that I went to my parents house and they were watching a show on those kids that bleed out of their eyes and then they were my parents were just like oh whatever and they were saying how no one ever saw it start it was only people saw the blood coming out of their eyes so they weren't they were thinking it could have been put there like if they didn't see it actually start then well that doesn't prove like it could be a hoax right that's what they were saying on the show and I said to my parents I said no the reason why we don't see it start is because the universe is saying you're never gonna figure me out you're never going to figure me out like try to figure out why kids are bleeding from their eyes and and you don't see it start just like there's blood on a red pepper in my place and I'm like universe with the hell come on why are you doing that and so the universe can do anything it can probably create a whole ya wouldn't even say it but it's just really messed up and so I said okay universe I'm not going to try and figure you out I'm just gonna go about my business and you can do whatever you want but that's the thing the universe as soon as we at one step closer to figuring it out it's just going to create something weirder for us to be baffled by because it doesn't work the way that we think that it does it only consistently seems to work the way we think it does because that's the way we think it works so that's what we're going to see and then these anomalies happen that people see anomalies and then people experience anomalies in mania and psychosis and then they come back and they're said oh you were just mentally ill it's like no maybe there's something else to see it's just most people can't see it and I that's another thing with the embodying nematic trades is that I feel like by being that way we're going to an uncovered that world that's there within us all for us all to be our best shiny wonderful beautiful selves and that's the thing too is that utilizing mania as a platform a sort of transformative tool to become one's best self is a little strange and I'm just talking about it a lot to get it out of my system and maybe talk enough that I'll conv