Blended Family Breakthrough

Does the Ex seem to be sabotaging your best parenting efforts?

We all have priorities for our kids - a vision for the values, character traits and lifestyle choices we want them to embrace as they grow up.  But the influence of our Ex and the other home can sometimes send mixed messages and steer the kids in the opposite direction.

In this episode, we'll focus on how to cope with the differences between your kid's two homes.  We'll share an effective strategy to guide your kids toward the values and character traits that are important to you - and keep them from following in unhealthy footsteps.

And better yet…we'll accomplish this without badmouthing or criticizing our Ex or their spouse — and without attempting to control what happens in the other home!

If you're ready to take action and counteract the impact of an unhealthy Ex, then this episode is for you!

You'll Discover:

• Two critical mindsets for success
• The Inoculation Strategy - what it is and how it works
• Real-life examples, tips and dialog scripts that you can use today
• How to make an impact and influence the kids even if you have limited or less visitation time 
• A next step opportunity to get united (in your own home) around the values, character traits and lifestyle choices you want to instill in the kids 

Resources from this Episode:

• We mentioned Ron Deal's book The Smart Stepfamily, click the link to check it out.
• Episode #7:  Toxic Exes and Hurting Kids - 5 Steps That Help
• Episode #20:  4 Big Myths About Parenting When an Ex has Different Rules
• Want to join our Patreon community and receive exclusive content and free bonuses?  Just click here 

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Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

Dealing with Ex's (and their partner) is one subject most of us prefer to avoid.  The truth is, avoiding the challenges that come with "the other home" is not the best thing for your kids. 

You see, the better your relationships are between the adults in both homes — the better life is for your kids.  Plus it's more peaceful for you! 

Trying to reason with Ex's who sometimes feel unreasonable just isn't that easy.  We've had more years of experience trying to work with a difficult Ex than we would wish on anyone… 

…but the good news is we've learned a thing or two along the way. 

Yes, the Ex and their spouse can be difficult; however, that doesn't mean you're helpless — or that the situation is hopeless.  There are tons of things you can do to make the whole situation better for yourself and more importantly for your kids.

That's why we recorded this candid conversation.  We're sharing just a few of the things we've discovered over the years.  And if you put them into action right away, you might be surprised what could change for the better.

If you've ever struggled with tough emotions when you're dealing with  "the other home", then this is the episode for you!  So grab your headphones and join us…  

You'll Discover:

• Why you should stop fighting change
• What collaboration really looks like
• How to focus on what really matters

Resources from this Episode:

• Here's the blog article we mentioned: Contaminating Conflict:  the Ugly, the Bad & the Good

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

Authority — it's a tough subject in blended families.  

Who has it…who doesn't?  Who should  have it…and who shouldn’t? 

There's so much conflicting advice out there about this it can make your head spin!  And one big "message" that seems to have made its way into the mainstream is that authority should NOT belong to a stepparent. 

But, is it that simple? 

I (Mike) used to talk a lot about Authority Vs. Influence, but as I've come through 19 years now of raising and relating to my step-daughter — and as I connect with more and more couples I'm discovering that we need a different "message". 

I think the question isn't, "…should I have authority with my step-kids?"

The real question is, "…how can I build HEALTHY authority with my step-kids?" 

And a different question requires a different answer.  So that's what we're exploring in this episode.  You'll listen in on an honest conversation between Kim and I as we re-think this whole subject.

You'll Discover:

• The three key elements of building trust (a major key in developing healthy authority)
• Some fun ideas for creating relationship
• What to do when you "mess up"
• And the two most important things Bio-Parents need to do to help their partner build the healthy authority you're BOTH hoping for

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 4 — Can You Overcome Your Parenting-Style Differences?
• Episode 28 — What if What You Think is Defiance is Actually Something Else?

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safeguarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

Have you ever felt rejected by your stepchild?

I know I have — and it hurts.  Especially when you're trying so hard to show them how much you love them.  

Most stepparents I've met really want to have a connected relationship with their stepchild.  But somewhere along the way, they feel like giving up.  It's not that they don't still want to build a relationship…it's just that rejection is painful.

I've also discovered that the "rejection" is most often not really about me.  It's common for that to be the reaction of a stepchild when they're caught in a Loyalty Bind…and that's a typical place for kids to get stuck in blended families.

As I started to see that Annika (my step-daughter) was stuck in this bind it changed my view of what was really happening.  I got more focused on helping her loosen the "binds" instead of simply protecting myself.

If you've ever felt rejected by your step-child — this is the episode for you.

You'll Discover:

• What a Loyalty Bind is and how kids get stuck in them
• How to support kids emotionally when they're stuck in a Loyalty Bind
• Ways to help step-parents cope when they're feeling hurt from the result of a step-child's Loyalty Bind
• How bio-parents can avoid inadvertently feeding into a child's Loyalty Bind

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 7 — Toxic Ex's & Hurting Kids — 5 Steps That Help
• Episode 25 — How to Survive Time Alone with Your Step-Kids — Your Guide to Spring Break
• Episode 26 — Are You Stuck in a "Competition" with Your Step-Kids?
• Episode 27 — How to Set Clear Boundaries and Safeguard Relationships
• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child book by Dr. John Gottman
• Article by Ron Deal on FamilyLife Blended:  How to Cook a Stepfamily

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safeguarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!

"NO!"

Isn't that one of the most frustrating words to hear from your kids and step-kids?  We all want our kids to grow up learning to have a voice of their own, but if we're really honest - we just want compliance when we ask them to do something…

…that would be nice, wouldn't it?

What if that "NO!" response is a sign of something good developing in our kids?  What would be different if you knew that what feels like "defiance" is actually a healthy part of their development?

That's exactly what we're exploring today in this very special episode where we interview our first guest on the show! :-)

Amanda Rueter is a Mental Health Therapist turned Mom to two boys and is now an online parenting educator at MessyMotherhood.com. As a recovering yeller, Amanda teaches parents around the world how to parent their children without anger and yelling through her articles, courses, and coaching program.

Every parent and step-parent needs to discover the concept of "counterwill" and Amanda is going to give us the low down.  She'll help you understand why counterwill is important and exactly how to respond to it in 3 simple steps.

We know you're going to enjoy this value-packed interview!

You'll Discover:

• What "counterwill" really is
• The positive side of counterwill
• The impact of counterwill on step-relationships
• 3 simple steps to use when counterwill pops up
• When should a parent/step-parent be demanding and/or expect compliance?

Resources from this Episode:

• Check out Amanda's resources at www.messymotherhood.com

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

Lots of people talk about setting "healthy boundaries" and we all want to believe we're doing just that.  But the truth is, many of us can't clearly define what healthy boundaries actually are — much less being able to define our own PERSONAL healthy boundaries. 

And the subject of boundaries is confusing.  What we really want is to feel bonded and connected to our spouse, kids and step-kids.  But boundaries feel like we're drawing the proverbial line in the sand which sometimes seems like it creates more separation. 

Here's the reality:  clear and healthy boundaries allow for stronger bonds and more satisfying relationships

…even if that seems counter-intuitive. 

In this episode, you'll discover how to set clear boundaries AND safeguard your relationships at the same time (haha…I guess we already said that in the title).   

To enjoy closeness in your blended family relationships and hold onto your sanity in the middle of complex circumstances, learning to set clear boundaries is key.  If you take the time to think through what we're sharing here, you'll get the best of both worlds. 

So, listen in on this critical discussion.  It may be one of the most important topics for your family yet… 

You'll Discover:

• What do unhealthy boundaries look like?
• The 3 boundary types and which is best
• When and where boundaries need to be set
• The 3 Principles for Clear Boundaries
• One boundary strategy specifically for step-parents 

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 21 - What is the Stranded Stranger & Trapped Teammate Experience?
• Episode 23 - How to Move From Feeling Stranded to Being Connected
• The Smart Stepmom by Ron Deal & Laura Petherbridge
• Boundaries Book Series by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend
• Blog:  4 Simple Principles for Setting Healthy Boundaries with Kids

Subscribe & Review

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

Every step-parent wants a great relationship with their step-kids.  But somewhere along the way, it feels like that gets hijacked by a crazy, unexpected competition.

Every time we feel like things are going along fine and we're finally figuring it out — WHAM! 

• another argument about petty things
• more butting into conversations meant for adults
• again, wedging their way between you and your spouse

It can be exhausting!

We hear these kinds of stories all the time (and we've lived it!).  One stepmom shared with us, "I was starting to doubt there would ever by a solution that could make it bearable."  She was starting to lose hope that the competition would ever end.

But we helped her discover how she could side-step the competition by focusing on 2 primary things…

…and we're sharing both of them in this episode. 

In This Episode You'll Discover:

• Why step-parents are a threat to their step-kids
• A "case study" of one couple's story
• Replacing walls of protection with bridges of connection
• How to prepare yourself for side-stepping the "competition"
• How to partner well with your spouse

Resources Mentioned in this Episode:

• Episode 017 — 6 Simple Steps that will Help You Respond to Disrespect
• Episode 021 — What is the Stranded Stranger & Trapped Teammate Experience? (Part 1 of 3)

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safeguarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

Most step-parents want to enjoy time with their step-kids.  They want to relax, laugh and just have fun!  But often they describe their time together as stressful, tension-filled or even dreadful — especially when we're on our own with them.

I (Mike) get it…I remember those feelings of fear and dread when I knew Kim was going to be gone and everything with her daughter (Annika) depended on me.  And part of the problem was I felt like I couldn't talk about it.  

I thought, "…if I admit I'm dreading this time with my step-daughter, it means I'm a bad person."  So, I would head into those times already filled with tension and a pretty bad attitude.  And guess what…that didn’t help!  It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy and I just set myself up for failure.

But finally, I braved up enough to talk about it with Kim and we started getting more intentional about how I could have hope and confidence when I was going to be alone with Annika.  

…and we're sharing all about it in this episode.  

At the time we're airing this, it's just about time for Spring Break.  That might mean you'll be getting some extended alone time with your step-kids.  With just a little bit of intentional effort, you can head into it with anticipation and confidence…and exponentially improve your time with your step-kids!

So, grab your headphones and a notepad and listen in to experience the best Spring Break (or weekend…or summer vacation…or afternoon…etc., etc.)

Full episode show notes and resource links available here:  https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/025

In this episode, we're talking about how to get unstuck when you're feeling Trapped between your spouse and your kids.  We call that being a Trapped Teammate and just about every parent in a blended family experiences this to some level.  We're sharing a couple of mindset shifts, some "stories" to avoid and even a simple 5-step process to help relieve the pressure of feeling trapped.

For the full episode show notes click here:  https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/024

I (Mike) often felt stuck on the outside as a step-parent.  Kim and Annika had their little inside routines and jokes that I couldn't seem to connect with.

What I really wanted was to instantly feel included…but blended family life just doesn't work that way.  When I was feeling like a Stranded Stranger, what I was really wanting was for our family to "blend"…but one stepfamily expert says that "compartmentalizing" is a better approach.

In this episode, we're laying out one of the most effective strategies for "rescuing" yourself from being that Stranded Stranger so that you can feel more connected with your step-kids (and your spouse!).

Full episode show notes available here:  https://support.mikeandkimcoaching.com/023