Blended Family Breakthrough

Everyone knows how important it is for kids to have a meaningful relationship with both of their parents — and it's best when they can freely enjoy time in each home.  

And when one parent tries to distance the kids from the other parent, it can be tragic.  The attempt one parent might make to intentionally and systematically distance a child from their other parent has a name — it's called Parental Alienation.

We personally know the heartache that comes with Parental Alienation.  At one point in our journey, my Ex systematically disrupted my daughter's contact with our family through emotional manipulation…and it was gut wrenching.  

Awareness and proactivity are key to protecting your family from the pain of parental alienation.  That's what we'll be talking about in this episode.  Join us as we share our personal story of this difficult battle and we'll give you 6 tips that we've discovered over the years.

You'll Discover:

• What Parental Alienation is — and what it's NOT
• The warning signs that you might be at risk of parental alienation
• Our personal story with Parental Alienation — what we've learned and what we could've done better
• 6 tips to help you evaluate your current situation and proactively protect your kids, your parental rights and your marriage

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 33 — How to Cope with a Difficult Ex and Protect Your Kids
• Episode 41 — Are you unintentionally putting your kids in the middle?
• Episode 7 — Toxic Exes and Hurting Kids — 5 Steps that Help
• Episode 8 — Toxic Exes and Defiant Kids — A Simple Strategy Against Lies and Slander
• Book by Dr. Richard Warshak:  Divorce Poison
• If you have adult kids you've been alienated from:  Ryan Thomas

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You want your kids to experience freedom from stress and concern as they move between their two homes.  You want them to be able to love both of their parents — without feeling like there are strings attached.

To make sure that's what your kids experience, you're probably very careful about the way you talk about your Ex when the kids are around…

…but are you sure you're not unintentionally putting them in the middle, even in subtle ways?

It can be tough to know when and what to say about an Ex when your kids are around.  You can't read their mind or really understand how they're internalizing a conversation - or how they'll respond to your emotional reactions.

And most of us make some common unintentional mistakes — even when we have the best of intentions.

That's what this episode is all about.  We'll help you understand 2 of the most common conversational mistakes we can make that unintentionally puts kids into a bind called a Parental Allegiance.

And we'll help you think through how these mistakes might be present in your home.

You'll Discover:

• What it's like for kids who are stuck in a Parental Allegiance
• Why a Parental Allegiance bind is harmful to your kids and your relationship with them
• The 2 unintentional mistakes parents and step-parents can make that feed into a Parental Allegiance
• 4 Questions you can ask yourself to determine if you're inadvertently creating a parental allegiance for your kids.

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 29 — What is a Loyalty Bind and What Can You Do About It?
• Episode 6 — Are Your Kids Stuck in a 'Parental Allegiance' and What Can You Do About It?
• Episode 7 — Toxic Exes and Hurting Kids - 5 Steps That Help
• Episode 8 — Toxic Exes and Defiant Kids - A Simple Strategy Against Lies and Slander
• We referenced this article while discussing Parentification:  Your Child is not your Confidant 

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Have you ever been confused by your kids or step-kids?  

Maybe it feels like they just don't like their step-parent.  Maybe they give the silent treatment or cop an attitude.  You want to be understanding, but it's just so frustrating!

Part of that frustration might actually be misunderstanding.  It's hard for your kids to see life from your perspective — and the opposite is true too. It can be challenging to put ourselves in our kid's shoes.

That's where Lauren Reitsema comes in and we're sharing about her book In Their Shoes in this episode.

Lauren is a child of divorce and became a step-child after both her parents remarried.  Through her profession in communication as well as her personal experience growing up in a blended family, Lauren is able to uncover the unspoken feelings of children living in a blended family dynamic.

We'll be highlighting one concept from the book called 'Step-Parentification', which is an easy pitfall we can inadvertently fall into.  We'll explore how to avoid this unproductive approach with our kids and offer Lauren's practical tips for stepparents to thrive, even while feeling rejected, hurt and disappointed.

Seeing things from your kids perspective can make a big difference in your blended family.  True understanding will impact your kid's well-being and also help you to feel more grounded — even when things seem to be taking a downward spiral.   

You'll Discover:

• Why it's important to look at the kid's 'bigger story', not just their behavior
• Why step-kids can seem insensitive and self-centered
• Why a step-parent's attempts to acknowledge a step-child often goes unreciprocated
• What is 'step-parentification' and how does it negatively impact the kids
• 3 healthy ways for stepparents to manage their own hurts and emotions
• Why Lauren's book 'In Their Shoes' is a must-read resource for you

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 39 — How to Create Strong Bonds with Resistant Step-Kids
• Episode 37 — Why do Kids Struggle to Accept Their Stepparent?
• Episode 34 — How to Avoid Mother's Day Disappointment
• Get the Book:  In Their Shoes:  Helping Parents Better Understand and Connect with Children of Divorce 

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Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you! 

You want to be connected to your step-kids.  You want to experience that bond you had hoped for early on.  The bond you knew would take some work, but now seems impossible to experience…

…now there seems to be a wall that's standing between you and the step-kids you love.  That wall is robbing you of the connection you really want.

Sure, you understand that many of the bricks that built that wall originated from your step-child's resistance to you.  But you also know there's more to the story than just a stubborn kid.

You know there's got to be a way to dismantle the wall, but most of what you've tried doesn't seem to be working.

I remember feeling that way with my step-daughter.  We started out so great, but several years into our blended family journey the wall seemed to get built almost overnight.

At times I felt hopeless.  Some days the wall seemed insurmountable.  But as I kept at it — trying new ways of removing bricks and creating connection, Kim and I finally found some strategies that worked.

We shared these strategies with some other step-couples we knew and found that they were making progress on dismantling the walls in their blended family too!

We're sharing a handful of those strategies in this episode.  

Don't let that wall of resistance keep you from experiencing the bonds you really want with your step-kids.  Use these strategies to create an atmosphere in your home that will help connections emerge and strong bonds for the long-run will eventually become your family's reality.

You'll Discover:

• How to stop trying to prove yourself to your step-kids
• One critical message your step-child needs to hear from you over and over again
• How to focus on being an advocate rather than a disciplinarian
• Where to focus so that you can take the pressure off yourself (and your family)
• What to listen for in order to loosen up the binds kids experience

Resources from this Episode:

We mentioned several different episodes that will help you learn more.  Here they are in order of how we mentioned them:

• Episode 37 — Why do Kids Struggle to Accept Their Stepparent?
• Episode 13 — How to Parent as a Team in Your Blended Famliy
• Episode 30 — Should Step-Parents Want Authority with Their Step-Kids?
• Episode 25 — How to Survive Alone Time with Your Step-Kids
• Episode 14 — 3 Helpful Steps to Overcome Your "Perfectionistic" Ideals & Disappointments
• Episode 29 — What is a Loyalty Bind and What Can You Do About It?

We also mentioned Lauren Reitsema's book which you can check out here:  In Their Shoes

And finally, if you want to join our Patreon community to learn more about the 3 most important messages you need to speak to your step-kids, just click here. 

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Kids' in blended families face many forms of loss and grief.

Our family is personally facing a loss right now.  This is just a short episode sharing the loss we're experiencing and a quick reflection of what loss and grief might be like for kids.

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It feels frustrating and confusing when the kids resist their stepparent.

It seems like no matter how much the stepparent reaches out to connect with the child, they just won't lower their walls — and sometimes those walls seem to be impenetrable!

As adults, we feel like we should be able to figure this out.  Bonding shouldn't be this complicated or challenging…should it?

And that's when we start looking for the silver bullet that will fix the problem. We want to turn things around NOW and finally have a little fun together as a family.  We need a way to end the relational tension, bad attitudes, and disrespect.

Unfortunately, there's no silver bullet that instantly breaks down those walls and gets a kid to accept their stepparent.  (We know…sounds pretty bleak doesn't it?)

But here's the deal, when we understand WHY kids put up those walls in the first place we can begin to help kids dismantle them brick by brick.

To do that, you've got to put yourself in their shoes.  When you understand their "why's", then you'll be ready to approach each situation from a place of empathy — which will gradually bring new opportunities for real change.

In this episode, we'll explore 5 of the most common reasons kids struggle to accept a stepparent and you'll discover — from your kid's viewpoint — why resisting you often seems like the safest way they can emotionally cope.

Plus, we've put together this cheat sheet to help you sort out some of the main reasons why your step-child might be resisting you.  Download it for free by clicking this link.

You'll Discover:

• Five common reasons why kids resist a stepparent
• The most crucial step to identify kid's real emotions
• What's behind negative attitudes and behaviors
• The benefits of empathy in blended family relationships

Resources from this Episode:

• We mentioned the book The Smart Stepmom by Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge
• Episode 29 — What is a Loyalty Bind and What Can You Do About It?
• We mentioned this video from Brené Brown on Empathy you might want to check it out

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

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Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safeguarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  

Have you ever tried to change a negative emotion?  It's not easily done without first understanding where the emotion came from.   

When we're feeling hurt, frustrated or unheard by someone we love, it's usually because we've got a negative story about them in our head that's developed over time.  

But is the story really the truth about who they are?  And how can we correct the story so that we can move beyond those overwhelming emotions to communicate in a way that leads to deeper understanding and positive outcomes?   

These are questions our special guest Mark Warren explores with us. 

Mark specializes in communication coaching.  He has a proven reputation for helping people discover and live out their personal life callings.  He has worked with high profile organizations, individuals and couples (click here to check out his full bio).  Mark is passionate about what he does, and is committed to helping people identify and live out their Core Wiring.  

We love Mark's training maxim which is this:  "Learning changes your thinking, practice changes your life."   

In this episode, Mark shares some simple things we can all practice that will improve communication and reduce conflict in all our relationships! 

You'll Discover:

• How to reduce conflict and communicate more effectively
• Why the stories in your head threaten your relationships
• How CORE and CHORE impact your stories
• How to end painful cycles of conflict and miscommunication
• The benefits of becoming your own 'Story Detective' and labeling emotions
• How to maintain a curiosity mindset and move away from judgement
• How to help change the negative stories your kids and step-kids might have about you

Resources from this Episode:

• Want to connect with Mark?  Just click this link:  https://markwarrenassociates.com 
• Episode 7:  Toxic Exes and Hurting Kids — 5 Steps That Help
• Episode 8:  Toxic Exes and Defiant Kids — A Simple Strategy Against Lies and Slander 

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

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Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

Remember those early days when you were dating?  The excitement you felt and the hope you had that this time things were going to be different…

…you were looking forward to experiencing deeper connection in this marriage.  You couldn't wait to watch the bonds grow in your new family.  Finally, you were on the way to your "happily ever after".

But, only a few months in, all that connection you'd hoped for didn't seem to be happening.  Conflict started creeping in.  Unexpected conflict that's getting more frequent.  Constant conflict that's robbing you of the connection you were confident your family would enjoy.

He's distant and keeps shutting down.  She's irritable and everything sets her off.

It leaves you feeling frustrated, lonely and maybe even hopeless.  You know your marriage and family should be connected.  You're just feeling lost in how to get there.

We know how it feels to live in a home that's plagued by constant conflict.  Our blended family was all but torn apart during one of our most difficult seasons several years ago.  We're grateful that wasn't the end of our story…

Something we've learned about conflict in our journey — it's never going away.  Sounds bleak, doesn't it?  It's not.

The real difference between a happy connected home and one that's full of tension and distance isn't the amount of conflict that exists.  The real difference is HOW that conflict is handled.

When we learn to handle conflict in a healthy way, everything changes.  Even if we don't actually resolve the issue!

Ready to discover how to experience more connection simply by changing the way you handle conflict?  That's what this episode is all about…

You'll Discover:

• Why your focused on the wrong goal when it comes to conflict
• What single focus you need to remind yourself of in every conflict
• What to do with the painful emotions that get triggered
• How to choose a better response — regardless of what the other person does

Resources from this Episode:

• We mentioned you could reach out for a free initial coaching session.  You can do that in just a few clicks…here's a link:  https://www.mikeandkimcoaching.com/freesession 

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Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

There's no way to soften the blow when Mother's Day expectations are crushed.  We all want to experience a relaxed, fun-filled day and we all deserve to be honored as moms and stepmoms.  But in the context of a blended family, it isn't so simple. 

Over the years, we've heard heartbreaking stories of disappointment from stepmoms who've experienced rejection and exclusion on Mother's Day — and they're left to wonder why?

As a bio-mom in a blended family, I've experienced disappointment, frustration and resentment as my daughter's attention was divided on Mother's Day.  I wanted it to be all about me, but the other home had their own expectations too.

And what about husbands?   They're stuck in the middle and unsure how to respond to their hurting wife, without pressuring the kids.

Mother's Day in a blended family can be uncomfortable and stressful for everyone!   What should be a special day of celebrating the women who devote themselves to raising children, often turns into something very different and disappointing.

If you're a stepmom, bio-mom or a husband and you're ready to ditch the disappointment and experience something new, this episode is for you!    

Don't miss this chance to prepare yourself (and the entire family) for a better Mother's Day experience…even if you can't change anything about your circumstances!  

You'll Discover:

• How to let go of unrealistic expectations by redirecting your focus
• How empathy and grace can help to relieve tensions
• Practical tips for husbands  
• Communication strategies
• How to relieve pressure and help kids honor both step & bio mom

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 29:  What is a Loyalty Bind and what can you do about it?
• Episode 9:  A Surprisingly Simple Strategy for Bonding with Step-Kids

Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here to join our community today

We all want to have an easy, peaceful co-parenting relationship with our Ex — mostly because we want to protect our kids and ensure they aren't caught up in drama or conflict.  

We don't want to feel like our kids are the ones suffering the consequences of our disagreements with the Ex.

But, when the Ex seems to constantly insist on being difficult no matter the situation, it's exhausting!  And if we're really honest with ourselves, their poor behavior starts to tempt us to lash out and retaliate…even though we know that's not the best thing to do.

I know how that feels.  I spent way too many years dealing with some of the ugliest accusations and being dragged through the family court system for no good reason.

It took me a long time to discover effective ways to keep the conflict contained (as much as possible) and keep my sanity in the process.  And some of what I discovered is what Mike and I are sharing in this episode.

So, if you've been struggling with a particularly difficult Ex, this is the episode for you.  We're going to give you some specific strategies and even some scripts you can tweak to fit your unique situation…

…and we've made it really simple for you to access that right here…just click below to grab your free copy of our "Cheat Sheet" that goes along with this episode:

You'll Discover:

• How to move beyond unrealistic expectations of your Ex
• Key strategies of conflict containment
• A healthy mindset to keep you from 'Taking the Bait'
• How to use appropriate boundaries around harassment
• What to do when negotiations become manipulative and toxic
• How to stay calm and secure when painful emotions get triggered
• What you can do to protect your kids from harmful conflict 

Resources from this Episode:

• Episode 027:  How to Set Clear Boundaries and Safeguard Relationships
• We mentioned this blog article:  'Parental Alienation' - A Heartbreak for Unknowing Parents
• Episode 007:  Toxic Exes and Hurting Kids - 5 Steps That Help
• Episode 008:  Toxic Exes and Defiant Kids - A Simple Strategy Against Lies and Slander

 Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts

Are you subscribed to our podcast yet?  If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.  Click here to subscribe in Apple Podcasts

Now if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-)  Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!

Want to Support the Show?

You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community.  By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.

Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us!  Click here