Can We Steal You for a Second?

Well, it ended, I suppose. Throughout this season, when production was faced with a decision, they made the exact WRONG choice Every. Single. Time. Much like the state of American politics, American media, American industries, well, America, no one has any standards anymore, and the least qualified people continue to hold the most responsibility. If you enjoy us going on impassioned, frustrated rants, this episode is for you! 

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So many beautiful examples of love around us this week: jealous scammers Chellace, opportunistic coworkers Traylor, aggro-dominant Jeremy/Bailey, streamrolling Spencer/Jess, and brother-flip-flopper Jellyfish/Bonrad. Nicolandria continues to be our shining light in a world culture that is spiraling into madness at levels never seen before. Women, wake UP!!!!! 

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We will be on bye week this week due to work/anniversary travel obligations! This recap is for last week's episodes. 

The beach is experiencing mass hysteria, orchestrated by Master Manipulator Jeremy and encouraged by Clout Chasers Inc., which includes Dale, Spencer, Andrew, and every girl that Bailey calls a friend. But for the first time in a long time, Bachelor Nation is united over a shared injustice, and for that, we rejoice. Also discussed is our letting go of Belly from The Summer I Turned Pretty’s lack of je ne sais quoi and brother hopping to enjoy the pure yearning from Conrad. Finally, some Love Island reunion predictions. 

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When all else fails in this franchise, we can typically rely on a slimy douchebag to bring the heat. Brian, Jeremy, and even Jonathan are getting it done. RIP to all the women on the beach for such a subpar selection. Captain Kim is looking better and better by the day. Dare we say Kaith is a couple to watch?!

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The Kenny Scamdoval is breaking news, so of course, we need to jump right into it. The Valley Finale gives us some concluding thoughts on Jax and Janet. Finally, our Bachelor in Paradise recap concludes on a somber note. One thing this show consistently does is somehow make the WRONG choices in production. Oof. 

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Nicolandria is thriving, the Goldens are in Paradise, and Janet is humbled. It’s a beautiful week to be alive!!! The Love Island finale and post-show fan service continues to feed our Nicolandria obsession, and we fear there is no end in sight. Shady men show their true selves on the beaches of Paradise, just as some much-needed energy from our favorite senior citizens arrives. 

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Well…despite having a lot to gain by influencing you to watch the season by saying the rebrand is amazing…you know we cannot tell a lie. We’re all about AUTHENTICITY, unlike all of these scripted comedy sketches these producers cooked up for every other scene?! The lighting gives Bourne Ultimatum, the sinister music gives Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, the “challenges” give storebrand Are You The One, and the heavily manicured flat declarations say new-age Love Is Blind. We can’t help but discuss Love Island in scattered tangents, Nicolandria’s rebirth, Huda’s final (?) crash-out, and our nephew Marcel. 

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We took about an hour-long tangent about Love Island US, but so much NEEDED to be discussed. First, Camille recaps witnessing Beyoncé's near-death experience at Cowboy Carter in Houston. Then, we get into the Nicolandria obsession, the rupture of the Love Island “Sisterhood”, upcoming predictions, and more. In Hawaii, with the Valley cast, Kristen Doute gets engaged while some friends celebrate and others ruminate. 

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The first 20 minutes of the episode are purely Love Island US talk, and hear us when we say, you NEED to be watching. Do not miss this opportunity! Down in the Valley, Jax is out of the so-called “mental health facility” and wreaking absolute havoc like nothing has changed. Janet’s on her typical BS, as is Michelle. But it’s a beautiful moment in America: a country united over our shared disdain. 

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It’s a beach brawl this week on The Valley! Janet gets called a vibe-killing Karen, Zack begins to realize Brittney has moved on from his friendship, and Jax is even darker than usual. We also briefly talk Summerhouse reunion, Next Gen NYC, and Love Island US! 

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