Connecting Couples

Episode 4: Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Can you identify when these past wounds get triggered in a present interaction and the tie it back to something that happened in your past. This process happens in an order and needs to go slow. Don’t try to jump to the healing, if you can’t identify what is going on and what it is tied to. The good news is that we get to be the person who shows up in our partner’s pain and provide a secure attachment where healing can happen.

Once you’ve identified a “Raw Spot” or past wound that is showing up and influencing an reaction in your present, it doesn’t mean you never get triggered again, it only means that you’ve clarified what is happening and you can articulate it, share it with your partner and also get a response that has the potential to adjust your response.

Minutes 5-10:

You have to start with the questions; Do you want to change this? And are you ready to work on this right now? You have options and you get to decide if and when you want to engage this. What do you want to do with some of these responses that are emended in past wounds? If you want to change or adjust or at the very least, identify what is happening, then there is work to be done.

You have to be able to 1) Notice what is happening to me, 2) I know the story around the event or events that shaped the response, 3) I know where it came from and can feel the feelings associated with this trigger- I can identify the ingredients of the soup. Then I want to be able to do something different than the move that I have done in the past. You have to be able to recognize that I don’t like my move in this place, and I want to do some work so I can change my response. It’s vulnerable to do this.

The goal isn’t to get rid of all of these traits, but to have awareness and know what is happening and invite my partner into it so we can have a strategy around adjusting the response.

Minutes 10-15:

Chad tells a story about his heater going out in the middle of winter when he lived in Michigan in his 20s. The story he tells is about the messages that were reinforced around fixing things and how it is a benefit. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing that he has a response to broken things that he should try to fix them. However, he recently had a more negative response around something that wasn’t getting fixed and was out of his control. This past winter, the heater broke and Chad new what the problem was, but the part was on back-order with supply chain issues with not target date to resolve the issue.

When Angela asked Chad, “when is the heater going to get fixed?” It didn’t’ land like a question, it landed like an accusation that Chad was failing. They had to discuss the process and unpack the deeper messages that were influencing Chad’s response.

Minutes 15-20:

Angela’s response wasn’t great at first. At first she tried to talk him out of the feelings by saying, “you shouldn’t feel this way.” But then, she adjusted- and tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault and she could see it.

The person who gets triggered, has to be able to do the work- and the work is- self-reflection. This is what just happened to me and this is the trigger and the meaning I’ve assigned to it. Then, that person has to choose to let their partner it, then the partner has to responds in a way that is accepting and supportive.

Your response is valid- and it’s unfair that you have that experience and now your body responds in a negative way around that content, but it’s ok- we’re going to work through this together. We have a different dialogue around what is happening in those triggering moments.

Connect Point:

We want to you take some time and ask yourself- what is an area that I can acknowledge comes from my past, that can show up like a benefit to us most of the time, but that I can sometimes have a undesired response around. See if you can identify the good and the bad of it and share it with your partner.

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 3: Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- The hard thing about “Raw Spots” is that first you have recognize that something is happening, then you have understand where it came from, and then, it would be good if you could share it with your partner so that you can get an accepting response. ALL HARD, especially when you’ve never done them before.

Angela sets up the story of her ‘Raw Spot’. When they had been dating for about 3 months, Chad bought Angela a necklace. He hoped that she would respond well, but the response was very unexpected.

Minutes 5-10:

Angela had a trigger and couldn’t identify what was going on- she turned on him and criticized that he bought her jewelry. They were left with the question, ‘What Just Happened?’. Thank you might have been a better response. The jewelry wasn’t over the top. It was nice. Looking at the situation now, it’s sad. Angela can see that her response was out of the ordinary. She had shame around her response and they decided to talk about it.

Angela realized her internal process when she gets a gift. In the process, Angela decided she needed to dig deeper and Chad was able to ask, “when else have you felt like this?” This ties the thing in the present to experiences that have happened in the past. Angela began to realize that her body feels a pressure or expectation around how to respond to the gifts. She also has felt it on behalf of other people at birthdays, baby showers, wedding showers, etc…

Once you recognize that there is a trigger, and you can identify the content where the trigger shows up, you can start to unpack or put words to the meaning that is assigned to the experience.

Minutes 10-15:

What are the ingredients of the soup? In that moment, we need to break down all the different feelings in the moment. For Angela- around gift giving, there is fear, expectation, needed gratitude, and other feelings that would shut her down.

Angela’s family of origin, often used gifts to do repairs, instead of words. Some of the meaning Angela applied to the gifts meant I couldn’t talk about my pain, or there would be no apology for the harsh words that preceded the gift.

The hardest or most unfair part about a raw spot is that Chad likes to give gifts. So something he likes to do is the very thing that causes me to feel pain. So in order to try and get some healing around this specific wound, we need to ask, “when is the first time you felt that (or had the soup)?” Can you identify some of the root experiences that really assigned the meaning to the trigger.

Angela clarified the specific feelings that are triggered are about the expectation she has to respond correctly to the gift.

Minutes 15-20:

Where this really started to be a bigger problem is when their daughter wanted to start giving Angela gifts. She had to really get some repair around the wound of receiving gifts so that her response could shift. It is unfair for Chad and for their daughter that Angela has a wound around receiving gifts.

First, you have to have a awareness that something from your past is at play. Then, a great question to ask is, where have I felt this before. If you can tie the thing happening in the present to another moment when you felt this same thing in the past, you can start to identify the ‘ingredients in the soup.”

It can be tricky because these raw spots are so personal, that often the partner has no understanding of the feelings or the meaning around the trigger. The thing that raw spots exposes is how different our experiences are around specific content.

Connect Point:

See if you can identify a raw spot or heightened trigger and first try to identify some of the ‘ingredients in the soup’ then ask yourself, ‘when have I felt this before’ to see if you can tie it back to a previous time this happened to you. Then, have a conversation with your partner and share your experiences with each other.

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We’re trying to bring forward the idea that you have residue from a past wound and your present relationship is triggering that pain and neither of you know that this cycle is based on meaning from past pain. It’s normal for us to react to pain this way. These aren’t even “big T traumas” but more a thing that happened over and over where you have developed a pattern of responses.

A friend helped me realize that I learned these responses from reoccurring events that I experienced from my family. Like how metal is bent. Over time, metal is heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped… and that is how metal is bent. It’s not one time, it’s a series of reoccurring events that teach us how to respond.

The Big T traumas are usually isolated events that our bodies can identify as events that need to be processed. But the little tones and rules and responses that we learn subtly are the things that can get bumped in our present relationship.

Minutes 5-10:

When these things show up in our present relationship- it is easy to blame the present interaction for the pain. But in reality, we get the opportunity to show up for our spouse and help them heal in these moments of distress. There is nobody that can help you frame how you see yourself better than your partner.

How we noticed a “raw spot” that Chad had. Angela would ask, “Did you feed the dogs?” Chad heard the question and had a reaction.

Minutes 10-15:

At this point- the first time we experienced this- we did not know why he was having the reaction. Several months later, it happened again. Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” and Chad has a reaction that is bigger than the situation merits. We started to notice that there is patterned response- but we don’t know why.

Angela starts to try to adjust how she asks the question. Adjustments are being made to try to have a better interaction, but we still have not identified what is actually happening for Chad when Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” A cycle is at play, adjustments are being made, and neither of the partners knows what is bring triggered.

Can you identify that a response is ‘out of the ordinary’ that might be triggering something from your past? Outside of the context of the situation we had a conversation about what was happening that brought up the question for Chad- “where have I felt this before?” It reminded Chad of being a kid and getting in trouble for not doing chores.

Minutes 15-20:

Even though we are now aware of what is coming up, it doesn’t mean he won’t get triggered again. It only means we have better awareness and now we want to help our partner find some healing around a wound or at least try to re-write the meaning around what the trigger is saying.

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to reflect on your family of origin. If you, let’s say, did not feed the dogs, or did not complete a chore, what was your family’s response to you getting it wrong.” See if you can identify your family’s response and share it with your partner.

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connection Couples Podcast: Healing Wounds from the Past Series

First 5 minutes:

Past-relational distress disorder. PRDD?? When pain from our past is unresolved and un-responded to, our body brings it back up.

Minutes 5-10:

Our present partner- when there is a secure connection- can help our bodies heal, in our present, from our past pain. The question is, how does this past pain show up? Often times we can blame what is happening in our present. It can be hard to tie it back to our past pain. This series will discuss how to identify those spots and how to ask your partner to respond to.

Or maybe there was not a cycle at play, but something happens, and now because of that ‘thing’ getting bumped you are in a cycle, but can’t identify why. There is a good possibility that neither one of you knew there was a there. We’ve used the acrostic TEMP before, but considering it… the raw spot or past pain is in the M- the meaning. The trigger brings up a feeling that reminds us of a past pain.

Example- Chad was playing basketball in junior high and sprains his ankle. He is told to ‘walk it off’. Chad learns that he doesn’t need to complain about pain.

Minutes 15-20:

Another example- when our daughter switched to real food, but wouldn’t finish all the food on her plate, Chad would sometimes eat off her plate and when he did- Angela reacted. The reaction was heightened and urgent and didn’t make sense for the content that was playing out. It was a past wound from before this relationship.

These first examples aren’t the worst injuries we’ve had. These are just a glimpse at a few content topics that have shown up in our relationship that are wounds from our past where we have assigned meaning and are now reacting in our present to something from our past.

Time does NOT heal all wounds. We want to be able to identify that a wound is there and discuss the meaning assigned to it and possibly have our partner respond to it. But first…

Connect Point: In this connect point we want to see if you can identify a small thing that shows up in your present relationship that might be tied to something from your past. See if you can recognize the meaning you assigned to it and then share it with your partner.

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series

Episode 14: Responding to Pain

Show Notes

Intro & First 5 minutes:

Alternative Responses that come up for couples who have experienced addiction. Once there has been health and sobriety, things feel better, however, if we never go back and discuss and open up the pain, then the body holds onto it. Addiction ‘takes’ a lot from the person and from the relationship. It’s important to, when the couple is in a more stable place, go back and discuss the losses so they can grieve.

Early on when there are apologies and responses, anger and resentment tends to be some of the first emotions or feelings that present themselves. But once the anger is responded to and the trust is rebuilt, sadness and grief is what presents.

5-10 minutes:

The sadness can be new- when there has been so much anger and protection. People who struggle with addiction tend to go away from pain- so to consider now going into the pain with purpose is hard. The opposite of addiction isn’t only connection- it’s connection around pain, where the person has gone to other things for comfort.

We (Chad and Angela) are both people who tend to outperform our pain. This concept is hard for us. Asking our partner to sit with us in pain is hard enough as it is. It’s even harder when the pain has been caused by our partner’s behaviors.

10-15 minutes:

Your ability to enjoy life and relationships is directly related to your ability to grieve and go through loss. If not, you wall off so many parts of yourself you feel isolated and disconnected. The parts are- be sad for it and experience it, but then also be able to put it down.

Honoring what it is that your body is trying to say when the pain comes up is what we are trying to acknowledge. A person who is in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction has mistrust and is holding pain from it that has never been acknowledged or responded to because it’s never been the right time. Couples that can bring up the pain, share it and discuss it, and grieve together, sure up their relationship in remarkable ways.

15-20 minutes:

It’s a hard thing to go into, but if you can ask, “what have we lost due to addiction?” You can break it down practically and write down time, dollar amount of what the addiction costed, but then also try to consider the emotional impact… that it has cost joy and connection that takes a long time to rebuild.

Pain is the emotion we are focusing on, but anger, shame, resentment and more are going to be pretty close to this pain and you should expect for them to show up too. Anger and shame are emotions that are very normal to experience in this process.

You might need help navigating this. A therapist. A Sponsor. Someone or a couple who has been through this and understands.

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to consider how you respond to pain and then share that with your partner. In order for our partner to be able to respond to our pain, it is important for them to understand our habits around pain. Take a few minutes to see if you can share with your partner some of the ways you respond to pain and disappointment.

To find out how to connect with Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series

Episode 13: Relapse

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Relapse is part of the process. What happens in your relationship when the ‘addicted’ person relapses? Does it mean you are back at square one? Addiction and coping strategies are fluid, meaning periods and seasons of health and wellness tend to fluctuate. We can be healthy for a while, then get triggered and fall back into old patterns. It doesn’t mean we are back at zero.

Minutes 5-10:

Our bodies hold and remember how painful ‘square one’ was, which is why relapse can trigger feelings of those old pains. Our brains go back to the pain that the earlier interactions caused. One of the signs that you aren’t at square one is that your awareness of the process is already more advanced than where you used to be.

Relapse doesn’t have to mean going all the way back into the habit the way it used to be used. It can mean just leaning back on old habits during a time of trigger or stress. This can often add shame into the awareness process, which tends to perpetuate the habit. It’s important to make the distinction, is it a ‘relapse’ is it a ‘slip up’… what is the narrative around ‘usage’?

Sometimes asking a few deeper questions can reveal the differences from the former usage to the current behavior of resorting back to it.

Minutes 10-15:

3 or things to look for around relapse. 1. Did the person who went back to the habit know that they didn’t want to do it. Is there an awareness. 2. Did they come forward and share their mistake- versus getting caught. 3. How long did they stay back in the former habit? Relapse, like addiction- is a continuum.

The key is to pay attention to what part of the structures you put into place areas that still need work. Community, accountability, access to things… there might be areas that need to be sured up- and a slip up or relapse will reveal where those weaknesses are.

Trust is still being built in the newness of the health and both partners are only just learning the new ways to build security.

Minutes 15-20:

There is a benefit to analyzing a relapse. Where did the disconnect happen and how can you adjust moving forward. If you can zoom out and look at the process- the relapse or the triggers and challenges, you’ll be confronted by are predictable. It’s easy to slip out of the new routines when the newness wares off.

When new trusts are being built, and someone messes up, it is easy to go to blame and forget that there is an interaction happening between two people. The cycle is at play even in the new choices.

Affirming again that a relapse doesn’t put you back to square one- because you should have lots of new resources to turn to.

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to do- take a few minutes and assess the support and structures you have put into place to help you feel secure in your recovery. Then share it with your partner.

To read more about what Chad and Angela Imhoff are doing, check out www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 12: Recap and Resources

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- In order to navigate these hard places, we often need a guide. We need help. We encourage you find resources and use them so that you can start to adjust the very strategies you needed when you were in an unhealthy place.

In this final episode of this series we are going to do a recap and offer resources. You might have tuned into this because someone told you to or because you wanted insight on your specific issue, but we may have missed it, because it’s impossible to cover all the outliers and nuances of this topic.

Often times people talk about what you need to STOP doing when it comes to an addiction, but we want to emphasize what TO DO. These five things help you get healthy and stay healthy.

1. Set safe guards in your life the remove the item you struggle with. Try to put some distance between you and your temptations.

2. Try to have self-awareness around some of your triggers and experiences are. Learning what is causing you to want the thing and what you think that thing will offer can help you make the adjustments you need.

3. What does it look like to self-care? Do you know what brings you joy and helps you feel well? Often it can be something that gets you moving or something that stimulates your brain.

Minutes 5-10:

4. Relationships is the fourth thing to consider. Its more than just a person. It is more of a community or group of people who understand my process and knows me.

5. The last one is knowing your story. Being able to embrace our own process, maybe even doing an inventory.

We’re reflecting on the scaffolding that the addict can put in place to become healthier, but we also want to reiterate the impact of a healthy attached partner. It’s not a goal for the partner to be the accountability partner of the addict, but we do encourage you to consider the strategies you developed during the addiction that you might need to shift in this healthier season.

We encourage both individual and couple’s therapy to discuss some of the long term consequences and damage that might need to be repaired. Addiction is the opposite of connection. To really start to shift the cycle of addiction, you need to consider going toward the places that need to be responded to and cared for. We not only get health around the ‘thing’, but we also build a healthier connection in our relationship.

We believe that even the hardest scenarios overcome and find healing and health.

Minutes 10-15:

We have hope for you, whatever process you are in. There is a way to replace disconnection and addiction with repair and connection. There is a way to find new community and new habits and a new way of living. Our culture tells us so many of the wrong things will satisfy us, but we have to have hope from something else.

We believe that there is hope in God, but we also have hope that someone is going to show up for us, even if we have never experienced that. If you can’t show up for your partner because there has been too much damage, we encourage you to get help. If you can clarify what the pain is and get responded to by a therapist or support group, then you can possibly consider starting to take that pain to your partner, and being there to respond to your partner’s pain.

A few of the resources that we’ve already mentioned and want to reiterate: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and of the secular anonymous groups. Celebrate Recovery, is a faith based 12-step program that covers all the issues and is available nationwide also. You can check out www.celebraterecovery.com for a location near you.

We also recommend that if you get into therapy, that you see an Emotionally Focused Therapist. You can go do the website: www.iceeft.com to find an EFT therapist near you.

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to consider, what is the next step you need to take to be a healthier person?

To learn more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 11: The Partner of Addiction

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Now that your partner has a stretch of sobriety, the partner of the addict has to adjust the tendencies of control and over managing- that were required when the addict was using- but that are now not helpful for the relationship.

Diving in to the other side of addiction, looking at the partner of someone who has had an addiction. The first thing we notice is just how hard the person is working to maintain balance in the home. The partner of the addict often is the one picking up all the slack to make sure everything runs ok AND in all that doesn’t give up on the relationship.

Things like- create activities to keep the kids busy to they don’t feel the lack, continually checking the bank accounts to make sure they have security, over managing schedules and plans to try and mitigate any misses, etc… The reason this is hard is because the partner is doing SOOO much to help that it is completely unfair to imply that their behaviors are now part of the addictive cycle.

Minutes 5-10:

In order to maintain everything, the partner has to manage so much, and can’t rely on the addict, and now that there is a stretch of sobriety and health, you have to release some of the things that you had to take on. Just like the addict has to learn to replace the bad choices with healthy ones, the partner to the addict has to consider replacing some of the controlling tendencies with something else that is healthier for the relationship.

There are some deeper questions worth considering when you are the partner of a person who struggled with addiction. One question to consider is… what about me chose a person who chose addiction. It is easier to blame the addict for the being the problem then to consider how my responses or behaviors might be contributing to the problem.

Minutes 10-15:

We cannot say enough that this is hard to hear, hard to consider, hard to take in, hard to believe. It is good to acknowledge that the partner’s behaviors to keep everything going were needed to keep everything going, but now things have to shift.

Here are some practical action steps that the partner can consider. The first is awareness. Self-awareness and self-care are important for the partner to have regardless of the addict choices. Several series ago we talked about how the wounded or hurt partner needs to be able to distill down their pain, then share it in a way that the partner can respond to.

It’s a hard shift to for the partner to start to see the former addict as a resource versus a liability. The more we can clarify our internal messages the more likely we can get the response we need.

Minutes 15-20:

For these injuries that happened in the height of the unhealthy behavior, both partners have to realize that there was no way to address it in the moment. The partner was only surviving the addict’s choices. Now that they have sobriety and awareness, there is an opportunity to build security where there were gaping wounds and pain. It’s nearly impossible. Because your partner has failed you in your past, you have built rigid systems that have not failed you, and now we’re asking you to consider putting aside the thing that has not failed you, and try to rely on the thing that has failed you. We understand this is unfair and also really difficult.

However, if we continue to behave as though our partner is still unhealthy, even though there has been evidence that suggests they are healthier, chances are we will not be able to embrace the change and therefore actually be pushing against it.

Specifically, in regard to pornography, it isn’t only that the addictive behavior sends a message that the addict is not ok, but also might imply internally to the partner that maybe they aren’t enough or aren’t good enough. It pushes on the partner ‘view of self’.

Minutes 20-25:

In this process we are asking the partner to step into their pain and their experience when their partner was in the addiction and try to articulate it in a way that a repair can be made. Can you try to bring forward how your addicted partner’s behaviors impacted your identity and your view of yourself. 

In the last episode we tried to nail down the impact the addict’s choices had on their partner. In this episode we are trying to allow the partner to get that pain responded to. We want to build security where there is insecurity. This is part of the maintenance of healthy living. Going back and repairing where damage was done. Digging up places where the partner’s body still has mistrust that we want to repair and replace with security.

Connect Point:

Take a few minutes and try to distill and think about when the struggle was still active. Can you get more clear around what impacted you the most and what some of your internal messages you were believing about yourself in those places.

For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 10: Attachment Injuries

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to go back, not to say I’m sorry, but to say that I recognize that damage I’ve caused has left a lasting impact and I hate that impact and want to make up for it.

Still talking about addiction and how it impacts relationships. Trying to provide a framework for understanding addition more and the long term impact it has on both partners. In this episode we’ll be discuss the long term damage that the addictive behavior caused and how important it is to go back and repair where there was damage done.

Scenario- year three of sobriety after ten years of not drinking. Things have been going well, but the relationship still doesn’t feel as connected it could. On a random day, the addict comes home late and the partner freaks out. The partner is panicking because of the damage done in the ten hard, bad years, even though there has been three good years.

Minutes 5-10:

The partner who did the damage has to be able to acknowledge that even though there has been several good years and sobriety, there is still residue from the past that the partners body is holding onto. At the time the damage was being done- in real time- no one had the wherewithal to recognize the damage. Then, there were years working on sobriety and getting healthy, but also no attention was given to the pain caused in the bad years.

At some point, the couple needs to go back and acknowledge the pain that was caused and repairs and amends need to be made, so that the partners body and start to have more assurance in the places of mistrust. It’s hard and shaming and embarrassing to go back into the damage, but it is necessary for the attachment to be repaired.

Minutes 10-15:

This is a message that says, go through recovery together! It is helpful for the partner to see the work that the addict has been doing. The partner needs assurance that the addict isn’t going to make the same choices and being able to acknowledge the damage that was done is a good way to give that assurance.

There are so many things that could have caused some damage, and therefore it’s important to make sure that they are acknowledged and repaired. This isn’t about blame and ownership out of revenge or anger. This is about the person who caused pain circling back to rebuild trust in places where trust was lost. This is hard.

Minutes 15-20:

This is so hard because at this point there is already so much work into healthier living. We are asking the addict to go back into pain that they avoided for good reason. So to have to set aside all the hard work they have been doing and go back into past mistakes and pain, it feels crazy.

It would be easy to feel attacked and criticized when your partner gets triggered, but if you can recognize that it is only their body alarming them and you can help calm them, it changes your ability to respond. This is a complex maneuver that requires awareness and healing. You have be capable of recognizing that something you did in your past is still affecting your partner in their present and you have the opportunity to help them heal.

Minutes 20-25:

From Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, or the workshops we do, Created for Connection, there is something called a Raw Spot where there is a wound or a painful injury that needs attention.

Connect Point:

Can you consider if you’ve made a choice in your relationship that had consequences that affected your partner and can you acknowledge what the choice was and how it affected them, and then discuss it with your partner.

To read more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 9: Your Story

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Sharing your story and how you got healthy give you assuring in your heart and in your relationships that you aren’t’ going back to the place where you were.

The fifth of the 5 action steps is embracing your story. It’s often hard to ‘own’ your story without having the first 4 action steps in place first. But once you can tell your story, and show the long division, you can give yourself assurance that you know how you got here and what you need to be healthy. Our culture promotes keeping the hard stuff private, so this step can be hard.

For me, realizing how my life broke down, it was easier to start to understand my own stuff because I was in CR and was listening to other people sharing their stuff. It was inspiring and helped me have the courage to start considering my own flaws and poor choices. So often we want to present the good things and we forget to acknowledge the bad.

Minutes 5-10:

If we are unaware of some of the reasons we struggle, then sometimes those things we are unaware of can be the underlying things are run us, and we don’t even know it. Our bodies are designed to hold on to hurt, so when we’ve been through hard places, yet we hide the places that our body remembers, it can feel incongruent. Without putting the pieces together, it’s harder to stop the bad behaviors because we don’t know what they are connected to.

Even though our culture is getting better at acknowledging mental health needs, often our family of origin rules and past experiences speak louder to us about what we can own about where we come from.

Minutes 10-15:

You don’t really want to go to this 5th one until you have the first four done. You need people to support you and who know your story and accept you, so that you can start to accept yourself. A good place to start is with a timeline of your chronological events. You can start to fill in some of the emotionally impactful things, but the framework for a timeline is a good foundation.

Once your timeline is in place, can you look back and ask yourself if there were events that were hard or left an impact on who are you. Often you can start sharing with the people who are safe, like a therapist or a sponsor. We don’t suggest you do this alone. In recovery groups, people often do an inventory. That’s a good thing to do if you are getting started on this process.

Minutes 15-20:

It can be confusing on our stories when people we love who cared for us, also hurt us at moments in our lives. Being about to identify the impactful moments, good and bad, is part of embracing who we are and how experiences shaped our identity.

It takes work for us to redeem some of the worst parts of our stories and choices, but it is possible. The first step is to identify what those worst parts are and why and how they happened. We also have to consider the pace that is sustainable for our body as we start unpacking hard things.

Minutes 20-25:

When you can start stacking the action steps, then you can build self-care in on the days when you start to unpack your story. Also, communicate to your safe people that you are about to tackle some hard topics from your past so that they can be ready to respond to you if you need it.

Connect Point:

Take some time and consider your story and ask yourself if there are some years or events that you would like to remove from your timeline. If so, consider sharing those times with your partner.

To read about and hear more of Chad's and Angela's stories, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com