Connecting Couples

Episode 8: Relationships

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- When we are talking about relationship and community, we are referring to people who get your journey and who can support you in the process.

The 8th episode and the middle of the 5 Action Steps that support recovery. Number 4 is Relationships. Not just the married relationship you are in, but also the relationships in your life that influence you. In order to sustain change and stay committed to change, you have to make sure the influences in your life line up with your goals.

We discussed, while still in the action stage, versus the maintenance step, what it would look like to host my parents who don’t follow the same patterns of eating as we had shifted to. Chad discusses what it looked like when he drank socially, connecting with the people around him was part of the process.

Minutes 5-10:

We have to start choosing to hang out with, so that the people who we hang out with have lifestyles in the direction we want to go. “If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you’ll probably get a haircut.” Even in Chad’s Strava account, he started following people whose activity matched what he was hoping for his level of activity to look like.

We encourage people to look around and see who is living a life that models the way you want to live, and then surround yourself more with those people. The change we are looking for aren’t just behavioral changes. They are community changes and relational changes and attitude changes. For sustainable change, I have to find community that understands and supports the change you are trying to make.

Minutes 10-15:

We have been talking about the importance of including healthy and supportive community in your process. It is also important to consider what community might trigger you or what influence might not be supportive of your process. You have to be aware enough to know what influence is beneficial and what influence is not helpful.

It’s a hard thing to consider that your family of origin or even your spouse might be part of the influence that is producing shaming or triggering your process. You might need to consider needing to set boundaries or limits on the time you spend with the people who trigger you.

Minutes 15-20:

We also want to encourage the partner of someone who is addicted to consider getting involved in the recovery process. If there is addiction in your relationship, then you probably have plenty of pain and distress around the addictive behaviors also, and it would be good for you to get support on your side also.

Part of this process will be for you to learn a new way of interacting with some of the people you care about the most who might also inadvertently are hindering your process and don’t even know it. Again, we’re saying, shifting your relationships so that you are surrounding yourself with people who support your process and limit your time with those who aren’t as helpful.

Minutes 20-25:

These action steps build on each other. You don’t start with cutting off or shifting relationships. You start with limiting access to the things you over use. Then increase self-awareness. Then make sure you are doing good self-care. Then, once those first three are in place, you start assessing and adjusting relationships.

Connect Point:

Take some time and think about, where are the places that I find support and who are the people who provide support of my process? Maybe also think about the flip side. Where are the places and who are the people that do not support my process?

For more information or to contact Chad and Angela, go to their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 7: Self-Care

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- If we are going to consider healthy self-care, we need to consider something that engages our physical body and something that challenges our mind.

We’re discussing the nuts and bolts of recovery and how we get traction in our health and sobriety. This episode is all about self-care. Angela starts with her thoughts on self-care from her experience. During a time when she was trying to get healthy her sponsor asked her, are you eating healthy and sleeping well? As simple as those questions are, being a healthy human at its most basic level, is fueling and resting.

Another one is, am I exercising? What is self-care for Angela? Being able to disconnect from technology and to slow down and remove ourselves from work and stress is a start for good self-care.

Minutes 5-10:

What does it look like to take a little time for yourself? We often think we have to take care of everyone else first and also that we have to be productive. And self-care doesn’t have tangible measures. It doesn’t feel production. Angela overheard a quote about how intimacy is built around wasting time, and we don’t build into our schedules, wasted time.

We are not good at self-care. It is way easier to go to the other things. These 5 action steps build on each other. We have to remove access to things. We have to have awareness. And now we are adding to those two, we have to consider what it is like to tend to ourselves. We have to self-care. When we are unhealthy, we waste time and money. But then when we try to get healthy, somehow we lose track of the fact that some ‘wasted time’ is actually good for us.

Minutes 10-15:

What is my body asking for? What would feed my longing and give me a sense of relief. Chad likes bike riding. It is good for his soul. Can we have an awareness of what adds to our life and what brings us joy? There isn’t a self-care plan that is general and applies to everyone. It has to be specific and be something that you enjoy.

Angela shares story of her sponsor knowing her well enough to encourage her to do laundry and go for a run because those things are good self-care for her.

Minutes 15-20:

There are a few inherent ideas for self-care. Some form of physical activity is good for everyone. Getting your body involved is good everyone. Studies support this. Feeding your mind is another good option. Challenging your mind to learn something new. Ask yourself, “What can do that is fun, active and also challenges my mind?”

Some of the things that are not great to ‘do’, watching too much tv or playing video games. Try not to go to fantasy as self-care. Fantasy and escape doesn’t challenge your mind or your body.

Minutes 20-25:

It’s worth it to consider asking what you reward yourself with. If you use some of your vices as ways to celebrate, and you remove them, you can also lose celebration if you haven’t figured about another thing that is good for you in the place of the bad. Am I adding something? And then how do I give myself permission to self-care. You have to be aware of what is good for you.

Connect Point:

Ask yourself, what is one thing you can add to your life or do that you enjoy, that would have a healthy side effect for you, your family or those around you. First check in with yourself, then see if you can share it with your partner.

For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 6: Self- Awareness

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to take the time to check in. Do we have a process of checking in, especially around our areas of pain? If in don’t know what my pain is, I will comfort it somehow and not even know why or what I am doing.

We are in the 2 of 5 things that support healthy living or sobriety. The first, from the last episode, was Safe Guards. In this episode we’ll be talking about Self-Awareness. Can you identify what happens to you in distress? Do you get anxious? Do you want to isolate? Can you identify what the ‘vice’ satisfies?

We’re asking you to be curious about what happens to you when things go wrong, and then also when you turn to the thing you abuse or over use. We often ignore things we feel in order to just get through them, so slowing down to be aware of what’s going on is really hard. We have to take the time to check in with ourselves about when and why we are going to this other thing.

Minutes 5-10:

Sometimes, outer circumstances will tell us we need to look within. But we are hoping to get you to start considering what those internal things are without having our outer circumstances being the reason we have to look.

A good thing to use is the appraisal theory, which we’ve discussed before through the acrostic that our friend George Faller created, TEMP. What is the trigger, and how it is hitting me emotionally? Then, what is the meaning and can I track it to my protective action or the behavior that I do. Example- Angela going to the pantry to find something to satisfy my anxiety.

Minutes 10-15:

If we bring this process back into the cycle that happens to a couple, if one is having an off day and wants to lean toward the negative behavior and the other is also having an off day, it is way easier for them to just step off the action plan for healthy choices and regress to how things had been going. Being aware of what is going on shifts this process enough to allow a partner to help the other when one is off, so at least for both to discuss what the healthier option would be.

Chad pulls himself back into the moment he is asking us to consider. Slow down. Meditate. Be present in your body. Take the time to ask, “What’s going on inside me?”. PERMS is an acrostic we’ve used before. Physically, Emotionally, Relationally, Mentally, and Spiritually. Can I check in with myself on any of these and ask how I am doing right now?

Minutes 15-20:

If we have awareness, our conversation shifts from going straight to the behavior, to what is happening in our process. Chad says, “I’m tired and hungry.” Angela says, “I feel anxious because I’m behind and I feel I’m letting us down.” And now we are discussing how we feel and not just planning the quick fix for the feelings. Another option is to slow down enough to have awareness first, and then discus with your partner.

Example of a couple where one partner had a hard day at work and in the past would have stopped by the liquor store and gotten a drink on the way home, and he recognized- this is the moment where I relapse. And instead, pumped the breaks on his behavior for one moment and instead played a song in the car and listened to it, and then called his partner and explained what he was going to do. His partner thanked him for sharing, invited him to come home for dinner and they discussed his hard day. This created a new experience for them.

Minutes 20-25:

Another example is Chad coming in the door and explaining that he had a little more work to do and felt pressure to both be present for the family but also finish his work, helped Angela understand and even give him the space he needed to finish and her the space she needed also. The awareness is the first step for this new move.

The first part of this new process is awareness. The next move that is also new, is sharing it with your partner, which we will discuss more in the episode we’ll talk about relationship, but for now, we really want to you to try to slow down and try to tune in to what you are feeling.

Connect Point: We want you to slow down and right now, consider the elements of the PERMS acrostic; Physical, Emotional, Relational, Mental, Spiritual. Take some time and examine those in this moment and if you can identify how you feel in any of those, see if you can share it with your partner.

To read more about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to start to look at the reasons why we go to a substance. The story always makes sense. We want to help bring context to your struggle.

This is where we talk about how we take action. In addiction people often talk about what they aren’t going to do. “I’m not going to drink.” In this episode we start talking about, “What I AM going to do.”

As a reminder, we are talking to both partners. The partner that might be the addict and the spouse of the addicted partner. Also, without clear motivation, change won’t happen. The person who needs to change, is the one who needs the motivation.

The first of 5 action steps is Safe Guards. This is about minimizes or reducing exposure and reducing access to things that might contribute to the addiction.

Minutes 5-10:

The second one is Self-Awareness. People who struggle with dependence or abuse of a substance often have no awareness of why they even use it. The third of the five Action steps is Healthy Self-Care. Taking care of yourself includes doing things that bring you joy.

Number four is Relationships. The people who we choose to surround ourselves with either support our health or contribute to our unhealthy behavior. And finally, number five is being able to embrace your own story. You have to find a way to figure out how you got here without the shame that is often attached to it. The story always makes sense.

Minutes 10-15:

We want to bring coherence and context to your story. We want to help you put your narrative together and that includes owning your part, but also knowing what parts aren’t yours to own. Those are the five things we will continue to discuss over the next five episodes. The rest of this episode will discuss Safe Guards.

Coming in to this series we’ve been tightening up our eating habits, so we had to remove access to some of the unhealthy things we were eating. We removed some of the sugary things and some of the carbs. A person who struggles with drinking would possibly adjust how they drive home to avoid driving by a liquor store. Someone who struggles with online addiction might put restrictions on their computer.

Keep in mind that someone who wants to keep using will find a way to get the thing. This is one of five things that are interlocking and when put in place will help a person with motivation to change to make a slight adjustment to what they do.

Minutes 15-20:

If there is easy access to something that will temp us, we might accidentally use it out of habit. Something to consider; in the preparation phase, being ok about getting rid of all the things. We actually pushed off our start state of healthy eating because we didn’t want to get rid of stuff, which isn’t a best practice for change. You might need to get rid of somethings that you have handy if they contribute to your addiction.

Removing exposure to some of the excessive behaviors means setting different boundaries around what you do. A workaholic still works, but sets different parameters around how much working will be done and when to stop.

This can be a challenge when you have to ask those around you to support what you are trying to change. You might need to ask your spouse or family or tribe to support what you need in the process.

Minutes 20-25:

If you are the partner of someone who is trying to change, you are probably going to have to change some things also. Chad and I were able to make adjustments because we were willing to work together about what we both needed to change. A conversation around what we need to remove for change to happen is required between a couple. Moving something ‘a couple steps away’.

Putting barriers in place isn’t the key to sobriety, but it is one piece of the scaffolding that you will build around you to secure the change you make.

Connect Point: Identify something that you would like to create a barrier to get to. Is there anything that you would like it to be a little harder to access. Once you know, share it with your partner so they can support you in your decision to change.

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, check out www.therealimhoffs.com

First 5 minutes:

Now that we’ve acknowledged how hard it is for someone to just stop an excessive habit, let’s discuss what the process of addiction looks like. There are two researchers, Prochaska and DiClemente, who came up with a framework for the process. The first stage of the process is Pre-contemplation.

A quick disclaimer that we are coming from the understanding that we are talking to both people at the same time. An individual conversation with an ‘addict’ or an individual conversation with the loved one of an ‘addict’ will look different based on their level of awareness of their own process.

Minutes 10-15:

Before you can change, you have to have a plan. Preparation is an important part of the process of recovery. Once you have a plan, you have to move to the Action stage. Action is not Maintenance. In the Action stage you can’t be caught up with results, it is only designed to start changing things.

Minutes 15-20:

Within the Action Stage there is another cycle that shows up. Could be triggered by a life stressors or some other trigger that pushes a person back into their habit. When they relapse, the cycle looks like this: There is shame and guilt for using again once they had committed to stop. There is repentance and regret which leads to swearing off the habit again. The person ‘sobers’ up and stops for a while and can have some time in success… until another trigger hits and then it starts over again.

Minutes 20-25:

Connect Point: Take a few minutes and instead of identifying things you don’t want to do (inaction), consider a few things that you could do that would be healthy or beneficial to you. 

To know more about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series

First 5 minutes:

Moving the definitions and qualifiers out of the way, lets discuss why we can’t just stop our bad habits! When we have turned to something over and over again for relief it is much hard to just quit that wanting to. Starting new ‘good’ habits is hard too. We have to replace our negative habits with something that takes up as much time or weight in our lives. If not, there is a void.

If we gave a fraction of the amount of energy to our health as we have to our unhealthy, we’d be healthier. Some of our bad habits have become such reliable patterns that it’s hard to just remove them from our day to day activity- because it’s been built in.

Minutes 5-10:

Minutes 10-15:

Instead of a partner saying, “I need you to stop drinking so much,” what might it look like to say, “I notice that you turn to drinking lot, and I wonder what I might be able to do so you could turn to me for comfort instead of drinking.” YIKES, that’s hard to consider. In order for this to work, there would have to be acute awareness and availability around the need for comfort.

I (Angela), recall my mom complimenting me on being a hard worker. It was a virtue to her that our family of origin goes to work as a form of comfort. Our family rule, if you can do something productive with your discomfort, then at least you’ll have a positive result from the negative feeling.

Minutes 15-20:

It is not only the present of bad things that created the need for comfort, but also the absence of good. If we did not get taught how to comfort ourselves in a healthy, positive way, we will learn to use what we can. We have it in us to want and desire comfort from another human, but we have found other ways to exist. In order to stop the ‘other’ ways, we have to work on how we connect. Hugs are not the same as cocaine, so we have to learn how to get the comfort we need.

Minutes 20-25:

Connect Point: In trying to identify what we learned, what did you see people in your family of origin do with their pain? What did they go to or do to manage their discomfort?

To learn more about Chad and Angela and why they care so much about this topic, go to their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series

Breaking down specific terms. People can have a big reaction to a word based on what they believe it means and often there is a misunderstanding around some of the words associated with addiction. Starting off with what would merit the use of the word Addiction. Where is the line drawn between, using something to being addicted?

Clinically, people don’t use the word “addiction”. But outside of a clinical setting, people use and label someone an addict- as a person who can’t give something up.

Minutes 5-10:

The flip side of these 2; “There is a negative outcome when I use” … is Abuse. “There is a negative outcome when I stop using” … is Dependent. When the level of use is required to feel ok and if I try to stop there are withdraws, or a negative outcome (anxiety, physical pain, etc...)

Minutes 10-15:

You might have a problem if… someone in your life tells you there is a problem, or you might have enough insight to realize you are overusing something. When something happens in your life that makes you consider that you might be using something to the point that it is out of balance. In the abuse stage- other people in your life will tend to notice first. In the dependent stage, you might know, but just don’t know how to get out of it.

Co-dependency. A word that is used to describe some of the behaviors of the person in a relationship with or the loved one to the addicted person. 

Minutes 15-20:

The addictive behavior always serves a function. Most of the time the use of the behavior or substance is born out of a need. It is a strategy that provides relief, but it now hurting your life. The disclaimer- we want to make sure the victim of addiction doesn’t feel blamed or targeted. We want to give you the tools you need to come along side your addict in a way that is effective.

Here is a list of things that can fall into an unhealthy pattern: drugs, alcohol, pornography, workaholic, validation and escape, busyness- overbooked schedule, social media, exercise, books, movies and television, streaming platforms- Netflix, Prime, control,  etc…. All of these can be tied back to what we all long for- to connect in distress.

Connect Point: Consider the list we mentioned and ask yourself is there is anything that you are overusing, abusing or even dependent on. Step one is identify your own thing. Step two, if you can, bring it to your partner. 

For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 1: Comfort and Coping Show Notes

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Where do I go when it hurts? We hesitated on titling this series “Addiction” because people have so many different ideas and experiences around ‘addiction’ that it isn’t an easy word. So, we’ll start with the definition.

Even if you don’t have what you would call an ‘addiction’, it is worth it to consider what you go to for comfort. You might not be an addict of anything, but what might be getting in the way of you connecting with your partner in areas of pain and insecurity?

Addiction- anything we’ve turned to (substance or behavior) that we’ve used to cope with the world to provide comfort or relief from the stress of everyday life. Can you identify that you even use ‘it’ for comfort?

Minutes 5-10:

Generally, people don’t start by saying, ‘I’m going to become an addict.’ All of these vices start small and with the longing to meet a need. Addiction definition- pattern of behavior or a substance (something you are doing or turning to), that at some point provided comfort, but then got to a point where it was no longer beneficial.

Angela gives the example of taking Advil and Sleep Aid to help her sleep a few times, but then it turned into more frequency. Then it became something she couldn’t sleep without. The beginning plan wasn’t that she was going to go to having to take something indefinitely to help her sleep.

Can you start to think about… If it’s a hard day, what you turn to for relief or comfort? Can you consider what you might be using to help you cope or meet a need that is a response to pain? A good indicator that something might be shifting into an unhealthy place is that you have shifted from a place where it was helping, but now you can’t get by without it.

Minutes 10-15:

Nobody starts out with the hope to become dependent on a substance. Nobody starts with the most excessive use of a behavior or substance. Everyone starts with… mild or moderate use to help comfort or relieve pain or a problem. We hardwire into our brains that the temporary fix is now the thing that meets the need and we lose sight of what the need was.

The struggles you are in make sense and we aren’t trying to give anyone a hard time for the fact that you found a coping strategy, and that the thing you found is now hurting you. We have to back up for a minute and try to identify what I go to for comfort.

The very basic thing a baby does is to call out (cry) as a way to get responded to. Somewhere along the way, we learn what we can ask for comfort for and what might not get responded to and we have to find our own ways to get comfort. We’ve learned patterns of pain responses.

Minutes 15-20:

We are a culture that tries to live comfortably. Comfort is something we build into our lives. When there is pain or discomfort, our adaptive strategy is to find something to ease the discomfort. Where do I go (what do I turn to) when it’s too much? Too much pain. Too much anxiety.

We are a consumptive culture and we are continually exposed to the idea that we should be comfortable. We are disconnected from each other and from connection and we are using lots of things to comfort the void we feel in disconnection.

Connect Point: Ask yourself, when I feel overwhelmed (when life has been too much), what do I turn to for comfort? Try to consider what you go to outside of your relationship. Identify when I need comfort and what is the thing I tend to turn to for the comfort I long for?

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 

All of these responsive behaviors are based on our attachment to each other which is learned based on our attachment strategies from our past experiences.

Minutes 5-10:

Acceptance of ourselves cannot ever make us feel secure. We need acceptance from others- specifically our partners, in order to feel secure. This is so hard because everything in our lives tells us NOT to bring these negative and hard things forward. We all long to be accepted in the hard places. Broken and Loved. It’s what we need. Isolation doesn’t allow us to get the feedback we need to know if we are doing ok.

Minutes 20-25:

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 

First 5 minutes:

Pursuers will need to slow down their own process to the point of being able to identify what they need in those distressing moments, and then also be able to articulate to their partners what those needs are.

Minutes 5-10:

If you can ‘dodge the bullet’ and instead of believing you are being attached, start to see your Pursuer in distress who needs your help- you can shift the interaction. “I know I’ve let you down, and I am sorry I have, I am here with you and I want to understand.”

Minutes 10-15:

If withdrawers can “disconnect from the accusation” and instead acknowledge your partner’s distress. Let the Pursuer know that you really want to understand what is happening emotionally. It is really hard for a Pursuer to take in the offer of understanding because this is a new move. 

Minutes 15-20:

When a withdrawer stays, a Pursuer feels like they are worth the risk. It is hard for a Pursuer to start to accept that they might be using control or systems or managing their partner in order to actually help them feel better internally (to manage internal anxiety).

Minutes 20-25:

Connect Point: Withdrawers consider, of the things we’ve brought up in this episode, what could I do that might be a different move for my Pursuer and then share it. Pursuers, consider what your Withdrawers is saying they might be able to do and consider how you might be able to take it in or what you might need.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com