I thought it important to talk about times of crucial conversations, because quite honestly, they can be helpful in unifying people on the job. But if not handled correctly, they can cause division. As Christ-followers we should always speak the truth in love, and that just means you hold these crucial conversations for the purpose of helping another person understand, keeping their welfare in mind. You speak the truth with the right motivation.

Every crucial conversation needs to be surrounded by prayer. If you know in advance that such a conversation will occur, obviously you have time to pray specifically about it. If not, that’s when you send up emergency prayers for that conversation.

If you will pray in advance, asking for wisdom, making certain your motivation is one of helping not blaming or condemning, asking God to help you see this person as he does, it will make a huge difference in how you handle the conversation.

Here’s an example of a crucial conversation on your job: Imagine you are a manager, and you have an employee who is not being truthful with you. Records are lost, money is missing, reports are doctored—and now you must have a crucial conversation with this employee about these issues. The stakes are high—the employee could be fired—and you are already feeling the emotions of such a conversation in advance. How do you handle this crucial conversation?

Consider first that it is best not to cause the other person to become defensive or shut down and refuse to share if you can avoid it. Even if you have proof that they are guilty, a finger-pointing approach doesn’t work. In our hypothetical case, you might begin by saying, “If the information I have is correct, it seems that your reports are not factually accurate, and it appears that the use of funds has not been according to company policy. Can you shed any light on these?”

Think of what you really want to achieve through this crucial conversation. Do you want the relationship to survive? Do you want this person to learn from these mistakes and move forward? If your goal is not only to confront wrongdoing but to correct it and move forward, then think of how you need to approach this person to achieve those results.

In a conversation about a church situation where a staff person had to be confronted about wrong behavior, the question was asked, “Did you try to restore that person?” In this case, the position had to be relinquished because of the nature of the offense, but was anyone trying to help restore this person spiritually? Unfortunately, the answer was no. The goal was to ask for his resignation, with little or no thought given to restoration. This conversation might have had a better outcome if the goal of the conversation had been more than just requesting a resignation but also trying to restore that person to a right relationship with God.

Galatians 6:1 reminds us: Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. That’s a good guideline for determining our purpose for a crucial conversation.

Now, let’s talk about how we deal with strong emotions in a crucial conversation. If you’re like me, you probably have difficulty controlling your emotions when you’re in these situations. Crucial conversations are almost always high-charged emotional conversations. They are about issues that are sensitive; they often bring to light some wrong behavior or mistake that is not easy to talk about. And that can cause all kinds of emotional responses.

In this hypothetical situation of an employee who has proven to be dishonest in several areas, it’s like catching your kid with his hand in the cookie jar—the proof is irrefutable, but they still try to avoid the consequences. So, how can this crucial conversation move forward to an effective conclusion when you or the other person is angry, scared, or hurt?