Presented by Lauren Stibgen
As a follower of Jesus Christ, I have thought a lot about what God wants me to do with conflict, and I’ve realized I can only control how I react and engage. I can’t control the other person or people with whom I may be in conflict.
I have thought about different types of conflict, and while all require personal engagement, there are some in business that boil down to contracts and paperwork and have nothing to do with an interpersonal spat between two people. In both circumstances, God calls us to walk in a manner that reflects our kingdom status as we walk as ambassadors at work and in this world.
Conflicts at work can be weighty. They can impact you personally, and they can impact an organization’s culture. Conflicts can ruin long-standing relationships and creative divides that close a business for good—especially a family-owned business.
But one thing I learned about conflict, especially as a believer in Jesus Christ, is that God uses conflict to prune me. He uses these moments, whether personal or in business, to make me better for his kingdom. John 15:2 states: every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will bear more fruit.
Pruning is a verb meant to trim by cutting away dead or overgrown branches or stems, especially to increase fruitfulness and growth. Pruning is good. Pruning is meant to help you and me do more for the kingdom. Pruning is meant to show us what to do more or less of. Pruning can remove people- it may even remove a job.
I was curious about workplace conflict statistics, and I learned that at the high end, statistics state that 85% of employees report conflict at work. A study from the Peaceful Leaders Academy estimates that employees spend an average of 33.3 minutes a day in negative discussions about other colleagues! Even in a small company, let’s say 25 people, this results in 13.875 hours of time spent in potential conflict! Of employees who report conflict, 57% of them have seen this escalate to the level of physical altercation!
A recent Harvard Business Review article reports that most conflicts at work are caused by differing perspectives or different personalities.
I have learned that you can’t manage what you can’t measure, and apparently measuring conflict is important!
We cannot avoid conflict, but we can strive for peace with others. What does this peacemaking look like and how do we do it? As we look at resolving conflict through our biblical lens, is it possible that others can align with us if they don’t believe what we do? The answer is mostly yes, and sometimes, no. However, if we are honest, even conflict with other believers can go unresolved. The answer is still sometimes yes and sometimes no.
Matthew 5:9 tells us: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.”
One of my all-time favorite books is The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. I have had this book since 2007 on my shelf and find that I have referenced it many times over the years to describe the good and bad of handling conflict. Sande’s visual of what he calls the slippery slope of conflict outlines what he calls peace-making, peace-faking and peace-breaking. Of course, the goal is to be in peace-making mode, but what about the other end of this spectrum? Peace-faking is described as an escape response to conflict with the ultimate response of suicide. Peace-breaking is described as an attack response to conflict with the ultimate end of murder. I just mentioned that 57% of employees have seen a conflict escalating to a physical altercation; let’s think about this as peace-breaking. Obviously, this is an attack response and is on the slippery slope to something even worse.
What are the roots of most conflicts? I just mentioned the Harvard Business Review which said that differing perspectives and differing personalities cause most conflict, but it is much more specific than this. Sande notes the four primary causes of conflict being misunderstandings resulting from poor communication, differences in values and goals, priorities, or even opinions, competition over limited resources, and finally sinful attitudes and habits.
I can think of countless misunderstandings that have led to conflict over the years at work. The one that always comes to mind is a meeting I had with one of our administrative team members who was seeking an increase in pay. When I told her I was really focused on education and market conditions, she didn’t speak with me for weeks. I meant I wanted to focus on educating our managers about market conditions. She thought she couldn’t get a raise because she didn’t have a college degree! Unfortunately, she had also gone to her manager to express her frustration. This created a bigger conflict all because of a misunderstanding in communication! We did laugh about it after the fact, but it made for some hard conversations.
What about the other causes of conflict?
Differences of goals and values can be at the root of larger organizational issues. Have you ever worked for a company with confused goals? Seeming like your department was marching to a totally different drumbeat than the company as a whole?
Competition over limited resources can show up as people compete for a promotion or even for sales.
Sinful attitudes and habits show up easily in the workplace. Are you jealous of someone at work? Do you gossip and make someone look bad? Do you cheat when it comes to how you document your work? Are you consistently late for work or turning in projects late? Does anger boil over when you don’t see eye to eye with a colleague, boss or subordinate?
Organizations have started to measure their leader’s ability to handle conflict. In a Harvard Business Review article titled the “Conflict-Intelligent Leader” by Peter T. Coleman, he stressed the importance of what he calls a conflict-intelligent leader. With the added levels of macro discord, he reveals that a survey shows that 65% of employees believe their companies should speak up about issues of social conflict.
Coleman notes that leaders need four competencies to navigate conflict: Self-awareness/self-regulation, strong social-conflict skills, situational adaptivity, and systemic wisdom.
In self-awareness and self-regulation, Sande reminds us of the verses in Matthew 7:4-5 that share the principle of getting the log out of your own eye!
A biblical opposite of self-regulation is judgement. During a conflict, it is easy to focus on the other person’s perceived wrongdoing, and not what our part is in the conflict.
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye (Matthew 7:1-5).
These verses are a good reminder to stop before you jump into any conflict. Our human nature is to see and feel what is wrong with the other person, especially if the conflict is heated. Pause. God wants us to audit ourselves before we ever start a conversation. Did you take part in this conflict? How are you thinking about the words you will use as you approach this person? Has something you said or done contributed to the conflict? Perhaps what is occurring was partially your fault, but it was not intentional.
One good piece of advice someone gave me is never to start a sentence with a “you” statement—especially as you are starting a conversation. “You really messed up this project,” is very different from, “I wanted to see how we could have worked better together to get this project done.”
I also want to note that when conflict feels fast, we should be slow.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of a man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:19).
Strong social conflicts like deep listening and collaboration is the second competency that Colemen notes. We can see this is very much what we are instructed to in God’s Word. Part of performing an initial self-audit can help you slow down to frame questions that can help you better understand the facts in any conflict. Taking this time can help us shift our mindset when something feels like it was intentional.
Paul was one of the best examples of situational adaptivity we have. Considering all of the different people groups Paul encountered during his ministry, we see how he adapted to the different needs of his audiences to share the good news of the gospel. Romans 14:13-15 reminds us of how we should adapt: Therefore let us not pass judgement on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block of hinderance in the way of a brother. I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it is unclean. For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love.
What are some of the deep-rooted traditions that by doing the opposite could cause conflict or cause you not to walk in love. In this case it was about food traditions, but we see the most important part: if the other person is grieved, we are no longer walking in love. As Sande notes, differences can be at the root of conflicts. Cultural and situational awareness are crucial in good conflict management.
Coleman’s final competency is systemic wisdom. Understanding deep rooted nuances of a company culture or the culture of a system of work can help you think about how to approach the situation. Again, think about Paul’s ministry. He traveled over 10,000 miles during his four journeys! Many times, Paul used the locally accepted meeting places to proclaim the gospel and get his message across. Now, we know that his message of good news sometimes ended him in jail but think about where he preached. He would look for their meeting place. Sometimes it was in a synagogue where he deployed his deep wisdom of Jewish tradition to talk about Jesus. Other times, it was in the large public square where others were proclaiming “wisdom”, and sometimes, it was down by the river where people were already meeting to pray.
Meeting someone where they are comfortable can have enormous impact on resolving a conflict. Does your company have a reporting policy? Do you know what it is? Sometimes knowing the expectations, especially at work, can set you up for success. Most organizations will outline opportunities to engage with management or even an anonymous reporting hotline if you aren’t sure how to handle something.
Understanding the roots of conflict and even the best competencies we can build upon to handle conflict are only good if we remember that our ultimate goal in any situation is to glorify God. How you walk through a conflict can show someone how deeply you trust God to move for you! Remember, the Lord God, is holding your right hand, he says to you: fear not, I am the one who helps you (Isaiah 41:13b).
As you refrain from judging someone else, you may even have an opportunity to proclaim what you believe: For the Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver, the Lord is our King; it is he who will save us (Isaiah 33:22). How you “walk and talk” differently in these situations matters.
What about situations of intentional harm, especially at work? These include any form of harassment and workplace bullying. God does not call you to stand in harm. Sometimes these situations are found in systemic microaggression like passing comments on a repeated basis. This is why knowing your company’s reporting policy is important; especially, if you have asked for the behavior to stop. In these sensitive situations, it is always best to involve someone else.
Ultimately, restoring relationships and resolving conflict should be our goal and my prayer is that our time together has helped you think about not only the cost of conflict but also how both business wisdom and biblical wisdom can come together to help us be better ambassadors for Christ at work!
