If we took a survey of the things we don’t like to do, confrontation would come out somewhere near the top. Whether on the job or in our personal lives, most of us struggle with how and when to confront someone. It is not a pleasant experience, and therefore, we often avoid or postpone it.

Confrontation can be one of the most constructive things we can do when it is done at the right time, for the right reason, in the right way.

Let’s talk about what happens when we avoid confrontation. Suppose you and I worked together, and you were doing something that caused me difficulty in some way or another—you were doing something wrong. But instead of bringing it out in the open with you and trying to find a solution, I just let it boil up inside me until what was a small issue became a major stumbling block in my mind.

Now in this hypothetical situation, instead of addressing the issue in a constructive way, I go into gossip and complaining mode about you. I tell another coworker what I don’t like about you. This other person is influenced by what I’ve told her about you, so now, instead of solving the problem, I’ve spread the problem further because I’ve infected someone else with my gossip.

You can see how this could continue to spiral throughout the organization, until we have a major conflict involving not just two people, but several others as well. Has the problem been solved? No, not at all, because the one person who needs to be confronted is the object of gossip and backbiting, and she may not even realize her behavior has caused a problem.

Suppose instead I decided to confront you, and I did it in such a way that there was a possibility you might handle it well. And suppose indeed you do handle it well. Now, you are in a position to correct whatever it is that is causing a problem—or to correct my perception—and you and I have an improved relationship. Nobody else needs to ever know anything about it. By constructive confrontation, we’ve eliminated tons of unnecessary stress and avoided all kinds of unpleasant encounters. Good idea? I think so.