'According to some people I look like the lame Mario Brother who didn't make it through plumber school.'

'When you're a kid, you hate piano lessons. Then you grow up and realize what a mistake your younger self made.'

'No one wants a plaque. Stop forcing them on people. Just give someone the $50 it cost to buy the plaque instead.'

On today's episode of 'If Parents Had Post-Game Press Conferences'...

The after dinner Q&A #CruzMornings

'Even when farm dogs are dry, your hand still gets wet when you pet them for some reason.'

'If your wife goes away on a trip, and you make a dish you that she really likes while shes gone, you will get in trouble for it.'

There's a restaurant chain in the States called 'Dick's Last Resort'. Their whole schtick is everyone who works there is a huge jerk to the customers.

It got us thinking... What would a Dick's Last Resort radio station sound like? Introducing our new alter egos, Spencer & Crystal, on DLR FM. #CruzMornings

One of the best Drunk Cruz Mornings ever is on the show today. Plus a lot of love for the town of Hepburn, Confused Lyrics, shaming the friend who texts mid-conversation, and a bunch of other fun shenanigans.

We all have that one friend who always starts doing stuff on their phone in the middle of a conversation.

If you are this friend PLEASE STOP IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. #CruzMornings

'You know you're old when you invite some friends over to check out your new roof... and then you just sit there and stare at it for 15 minutes.'

'If you're not embarrassed by your Facebook posts from 10 years ago... not even going to finish the sentence because I'm pretty sure everyone is.'

'Every group of friends has a friend who's early to everything. They always text you when they arrive early too, so now you feel bad and have to rush!'

'Hey celebrity couples! The world is on fire, ee don't really care about how often you bathe your kids. Read the room.'

On today's episode of 'If Parents Had Post-Game Press Conferences'...

Putting the kids to bed. #CruzMornings