'We all have that one friend who likes hanging out with your dog more than you. Sometimes they'll say that your dog actually likes them better... worst thing you can say to a dog owner right there.'

'If you have a Pontiac Sunfire in your profile picture, you shouldn't be giving advice to anyone'

'They say laughter is the best medicine... FALSE! Watching kids under the age of 5 playing soccer is the best medicine. It is impossible to not have a good time at one of those games.'

'A Bug's Life was way better than Ants... it's not even close.'

'I took a week off so my one-eyed dog can have one last adventure before she goes blind. That's how soft I am with my dog!'

'Shout out to ice cream places that give you more than 1 napkin. It's 35 degrees out, this thing is going to melt in 17 seconds... Going to need more than this 1 translucent napkin wrapped around the cone.'

'Shout out to lunch meat for being a doggy double agent. Your furry friend has no idea that piece of turkey is medicine in disguise.'

'Shout to the song Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond. Everyone hypes up about Sweet Caroline, but Forever in Blue Jeans is the far superior Neil Diamond song.'

'There should be a baseball league that allows steroids, sticky stuff for pitchers, and any cheating you can think of.'

'If Michael Scott from The Office was a radio DJ he'd be fired in the first hour'

'If I saw two people doing it on my front lawn, I would try and make it as awkward as possible for them. I'd blast some Chumbawamba, get my wife, and challenge them to a race.'

'...So we ended up stealing Matthew Perry's bathtub and made a batch of Sangria in it!'

We all have that one friend who has hundreds of amazing stories, and is even better at telling them. Your go-to story that you use to impress people at parties wouldn't even be in this friend's top 50. #CruzMornings

'It's okay to laugh at your kid if they do something embarrassing or fall, but it has to be a delayed laugh. You have to make sure they're good and not hurt first... then you can laugh!'

'I love telling people that our wedding party had 9 people each. They always react in such an understanding manner... Just kidding, people judge us hard. Jokes on them, a huge wedding party is amazing.'

'One day you're just a normal person living your best life, and then all of a sudden you're one of those people who groans when they have to reach for stuff. '

' If you're not cutting your bacon in half before you cook it, you're doing it wrong.'

The title of the podcast says it all.

(seriously though, great parenting tips in this episode! Plus, more sax solos in sad songs, a special Cruz Confused Lyrics, and remembering the old multi-disc CD players)