A deeply personal and Torah-rich conversation on facing darkness from within. Kiki opens up about her own journey with anxiety and depression, sharing how she moved from resenting the darkness she experienced to believing in its inherent blessing. Drawing on biblical stories, Kiki weaves profound insight with raw personal honesty. She explores what it practically means to face darkness, professional help as a prerequisite to faith-based tools and the belief that our inner light is inextinguishable, no matter what darkness we are facing.

Kiki is a Chabad Shlucha for a community in Israel, teaches weekly Chassidus and Kabbalah classes in person and online. She is a bridal educator and mikvah attendant, and is passionate about learning and teaching chassidus.

Find her classes on Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/@kabbalahwithkiki

Find her classes on Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/show/6uscGnRqwgd2j8qwkk542M?si=FIxIy73QQNWw7qVSbDYRUg

Email her at [email protected] and find her on instagram at @kabbalahwithkiki.

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Human & Holy podcast is available on all podcast streaming platforms. New episodes every Sunday & Wednesday on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Google Podcasts.

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Timestamps:

00:00 — Introduction

01:43 — Today's topic: Torah wisdom on facing inner and outer darkness

02:14 — Why this is personal: Kiki's journey with anxiety and depression

03:30 — Showing up to teach even on the hardest days

05:14 — Biblical context: Abraham, Yaakov, and descending into Egypt

06:00 — The Kabbalistic purpose of exile:

07:38 — Descent before ascent

08:20 — Yaakov wrestling with the angel

10:00 — What blessing is this bringing me?

11:15 — The blessing is not external

13:13 — Practically speaking: what does facing darkness actually look like?

15:00 — The Hillel model: lighting one candle when the darkness feels overwhelming

16:50 — Going outward as a tool: moving out of yourself to find light

18:35 — The fear of being swallowed by darkness

20:30 — Balancing inward processing and outward giving

23:10 — Designating time for pain

25:00 — When mental health requires medical treatment first

26:24 — Yosef vs. his brothers: two worldviews on how to live in a dark world

28:30 — The brothers' approach: protect holiness by withdrawing from the world

29:30 — Yosef's approach: engage with darkness and elevate it

30:45 — Galus as a dream: the power of opposites coexisting

35:00 — Two kinds of dreams: exile's confusion vs. Yosef's redemptive vision

40:50 — What happened to our dreams?

43:00 — Changing "if only" to "only because"

46:00 — Two approaches to supporting people in their darkness

48:00 — Yaakov's model: sometimes when you're in the pit can't climb out alone

50:00 — Yosef's model: the power of presence

52:30 — Just sitting with someone is enough

54:30 — Kiki's personal postpartum depression

56:30 — The inextinguishable light

58:30 — How to support someone in darkness

59:26 — Soul-to-soul closing message