Dating on High Alert

Send us Fan Mail

💬 Need support with this right now?
If this episode brought something up for you, you don’t have to sit with it alone.

Dear Ilja is real-time voice note support, for when you’re spiralling, overthinking, or just need someone who actually gets it.

No pressure. No long-term commitment. Just grounded, honest support, when you need it most.

👉 Start here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote

We’ve been told that masking is the problem.
That it’s exhausting, inauthentic, and something we need to unlearn.

But what if that’s not the full story?

In this episode of Dating on High Alert, we explore a different perspective, one that honours masking as a survival strategy, especially for those navigating ADHD, autism, and trauma.

This is a deeper, more honest conversation about:

•  What masking actually is (beyond the internet narrative) 
•  Why it may not be the thing exhausting you 
•  The role of shame, trauma, and survival 
•  Why “just unmask” can feel unsafe 
•  And what healing actually looks like instead 

Your mask is not your enemy.
 It might be one of the most sophisticated things about you.

🧠 This episode hit something deeper?
That’s exactly the kind of moment Dear Ilja is for.

You don’t have to figure it out alone.
 You don’t have to wait until things get worse.

👉 Get support here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

What if being “too sensitive” isn’t a flaw… but a nervous system that learned to pay attention?

In this episode, Ilja explores what it means to feel everything deeply, the overwhelm, the misunderstanding, and the strength that can come from emotional depth.

For many neurodivergent and trauma-experienced people, empathy isn’t just understanding someone’s pain. It’s feeling it in your body.

That intensity can be exhausting.
 It can make others uncomfortable.
 And it can leave you questioning whether something is wrong with you.

But what if the opposite is true?

In this conversation, Ilja reflects on:

• why some people absorb emotional environments so strongly
 • the difference between emotional intensity and instability
• why releasing emotion can actually be a form of regulation
• how sensitivity can become a powerful form of leadership and advocacy
• the importance of boundaries when holding other people’s pain

Through personal reflection and lived experience, this episode challenges the idea that strength means emotional detachment.

Sometimes the people who feel the most… are the ones capable of holding the most.

If you’ve ever been told you’re “too sensitive,” this episode may help you understand your depth in a different way.

Listen if you’re navigating:

• Late diagnosis (ADHD, autism, trauma)
• Emotional intensity and empathy
• Nervous system sensitivity
• Shame around being “too much”

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who has been told they’re too sensitive.

They might just be deeply wired.

And as usual…

Until next spiral.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

Why does something small feel so devastating?

A delayed reply.
 That shift in tone.
  A cancelled plan.

And suddenly your whole body reacts.

In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I’m talking about rejection sensitivity, not as a buzzword, but as a lived nervous system experience.

Because for many AuDHD women, especially those with trauma histories, rejection doesn’t land lightly.

It can feel:

• Crippling
 • Physical
 • Disproportionate (even when you know it “shouldn’t” be)
 • Deeply shame-inducing
 • Incredibly lonely

We explore:

- What rejection sensitivity actually feels like in the body
- Why ADHD intensity makes emotional shifts hit fast
- How autistic pattern recognition amplifies subtle changes
- Why trauma layers abandonment fear onto small moments
- The shame of being labelled “too sensitive”
- The loneliness of feeling more than others
- The double standard of waiting for replies while sometimes not replying yourself
- Why 1am spirals feel so convincing
- How to survive the spike without acting from it

This isn’t about becoming less sensitive.

It’s about understanding your wiring so you stop attacking yourself for it.

You may not be able to change how deeply you feel.

But you can change how you respond when the wave hits.

If you’ve ever lain awake replaying a message…
If you’ve ever felt flattened by something that looked small…
If you’ve ever wondered why rejection feels existential…

You are not the only one.

And you are not broken.

And as always until next spiral.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

There was a relationship in my life that felt electric.

Not chaotic.
 Not obviously toxic.
 But ambiguous.

And that ambiguity felt like chemistry.

In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I’m unpacking something we don’t talk about enough:

How uncertainty creates dopamine.
 How dopamine intensifies attachment.
  And why trauma-shaped nervous systems can mistake activation for connection.

If you’ve ever:

* Felt hooked by mixed signals
* Over-analysed texts
* Confused anxiety with attraction
* Thought you just “had bad taste”

This episode will land.

We explore:

- Why ambiguity is not neutral
- How hyper-vigilance shows up in dating
- The dopamine loop in inconsistent dynamics
- Why steady relationships can feel underwhelming at first
- The withdrawal that happens when ambiguity ends
- How to begin separating activation from compatibility

This isn’t about blaming partners.

It’s about understanding your nervous system.

Because when you understand the pattern, you regain choice.

You’re not drawn to chaos, but you’re drawn to familiarity.

And familiarity can feel magnetic - even when it’s destabilising.

If you’re an AuDHD woman, living with cPTSD, or rebuilding your relationship patterns after trauma, this conversation is especially for you.

You don’t have to keep dating on high alert.

You’re allowed to learn a new rhythm.

Until next spiral.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode, I’m talking about impulsive spending, but not in the way it’s usually framed.

This isn’t about budgeting tips or learning to “just say no.”

It’s about the nervous system.

The hyper-focus.
 The urgency.
  The moment your brain becomes completely convinced that something is necessary, not optional.

And what happens afterwards.

The shame.
 The self-talk.
  The internal punishment that often hurts more than the purchase itself.

If you’ve ever felt like:

• You know what’s happening but can’t stop yourself
• The urge feels bigger than logic
• The aftermath is harsher than the action

This episode is for you.

No fixing.
 No discipline plans.
  Just naming what many people experience quietly.

If this conversation brings up questions for you, you’re welcome to write to Dear Ilja, anonymously if you prefer. I read every message and respond on the podcast.

Take care of yourself after listening.

And as always - until next spiral.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

Why do some of us only seem able to start when the pressure is unbearable?

In this episode, I’m talking honestly about last-minute living, not as a productivity problem, but as a nervous system response.

If you’re ADHD, autistic, AuDHD, or living with trauma, deadlines don’t always motivate you. They can trigger freeze, avoidance, shutdown… followed by a last-minute surge of adrenaline that somehow gets the job done, at a cost.

This isn’t laziness.
 It’s adaptation.

In this episode, I explore:

• Why deadlines often trigger freeze for trauma-wired brains
• How ADHD, autism, and CPTSD interact with time and pressure
• Why “just start earlier” is unhelpful (and often harmful) advice
• The shame cycle around last-minute action, and how to soften it
• How urgency becomes a survival strategy, not a choice

This is not an episode about fixing yourself, optimising your time, or becoming more disciplined.

It’s about understanding why your brain works the way it does, and building compassion, and choice, where there used to be self-attack.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?”
You’re not alone.

💬 Join the conversation

If this episode resonated, liking or commenting really helps, not for vanity, but because it tells the algorithm this conversation matters.

And if there’s something you’re quietly struggling with, or a topic you wish someone would talk about, tell me in the comments.
 A lot of this podcast exists because someone once asked, “Is it just me?”

Thank you for listening.
 Thank you for being here.
  And for staying curious instead of cruel with yourself.

Until next spiral.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode of Dating on High Alert, Ilja explores masking through a trauma-informed lens, especially for people with ADHD, autism, and complex trauma.

Rather than treating masking as something to “fix” or remove, this conversation reframes it as an intelligent survival response, often learned very early in life, before choice or language existed.

Ilja speaks to why advice like “just unmask” can feel unsafe in the body, and why unmasking without safety, consent, and capacity can be destabilising rather than healing.

This episode also explores a deeper question:
 What if it’s not masking that exhausts us, but the shame, self-criticism, and constant self-monitoring layered on top of it?

You’ll hear about:

• Why masking develops in early, unsafe, or demanding environments
• How trauma changes the conversation around unmasking
• The difference between automatic masking and choice
• Why self-criticism is often learned through being analysed by others first
• How healing can mean expanding options, not removing protection

This is not an episode about performing authenticity.
 It’s about safety, nervous systems, and learning to choose with care.

If this conversation brings up questions you’d like to explore more gently, you’re welcome to write to Dear Ilja - anonymously, always.

 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote

Unmasking isn’t a rule.
 It’s an option.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

Shutdown doesn’t look dramatic.
 It looks quiet.

It looks like going flat.
 Pulling back.
 Not having the energy to explain.
 Losing your appetite.
 Staying in bed because your body won’t move, even when your mind wants to.

In this episode, I talk about the part of the nervous system that doesn’t fight or scan, it freezes, withdraws, and conserves. Not because you don’t care… but because you’ve cared too much for too long.

We explore:

• what shutdown feels like in the body
• why it can feel like paralysis
• how it shows up in everyday life
• why others often misread it as indifference
• and why shutdown is protection, not failure

This episode is for anyone who has ever gone quiet not because they didn’t care, but because their nervous system needed stillness to survive.

This isn’t about fixing yourself.
 It’s about understanding what your body has learned to do, and meeting it with compassion instead of shame.

If this episode stirred something for you, take your time afterwards. Move slowly. Eat when your body is ready. Speak when your voice feels safe again.

And if you’d like a softer place to land, Dear Ilja and voice-note support are always there, not to fix you, just to meet you where you are.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

For a lot of neurodivergent people, especially those living with ADHD, autism and trauma, ambiguity doesn’t land as “nothing is happening yet.” It lands in the body. As activation. As tension. As a quiet fear that something might change… and you may not be ready for it.

In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I explore why unclear signals, emotional distance, inconsistency, or “not knowing where you stand” can feel so intense when your nervous system has been shaped by survival.

This isn’t about being needy, dramatic, or over-sensitive.
 It’s wiring. It’s pattern-recognition. It’s protection.

We talk about:

• how a trauma-shaped nervous system reads uncertainty
• why “waiting” doesn’t always feel neutral
• the link between attachment, safety, and emotional ambiguity
• how to notice what’s happening in your body, without shaming yourself for it
• ways to ground yourself when your system goes into alert mode

If you’ve ever felt like you react “too deeply” to mixed signals or emotional gaps, this episode is here to help you feel understood, not broken.

🧠 You’re not overreacting. Your system just learned to protect you.
🎧 Listen in, and let’s make sense of it together.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

For many of us with trauma and neurodivergence, telling the difference between intuition and hyper-vigilance isn’t simple. The body reacts before the mind can make sense of what’s happening, and what looks like “overthinking” from the outside often began as protection, not anxiety.

In this episode, I explore how intuition feels in a regulated body, how hyper-vigilance shows up through the body and in our body language, and why the line between the two can become blurred, especially in relationships, dating, and moments of emotional closeness.

We talk about what happens when the nervous system moves first, how past experiences shape present reactions, and why none of this makes you dramatic, broken, or “too much”. Instead, we approach it with compassion, awareness, and nervous-system honesty.

This episode is not about fixing or correcting your reactions, it’s about understanding them.

If this conversation resonates and you’d like a gentler place to land, Dear Ilja and voice-note support are always there, no pressure, just options when they feel right.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x