Dating on High Alert

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This episode marks a quiet but important moment in Dating on High Alert.

After sixteen episodes exploring dating, attachment, intensity, and patterns, I’m naming the lens that’s always been there, trauma.

In this episode, I share why I was born neurodivergent but didn’t recognise ADHD and autism until later in life, how trauma shaped my nervous system long before I had language for it, and why masking wasn’t a flaw, it was survival.

Dating was never the real topic.
 It was simply where a trauma-shaped, neurodivergent nervous system showed up the loudest.

We talk about:

• being born neurodivergent and recognising it later
• how early trauma shapes hypervigilance and intensity
• why masking can be protective, not pathological
• why dating activates old survival patterns
• the difference between chemistry and safety
• and what changes, and what doesn’t, moving forward

This episode isn’t a rebrand or a dramatic reveal.
 It’s about precision, context, and compassion.

I won’t be retelling trauma for shock value, and there’s no pressure to take anything in all at once. This is a grounded conversation for anyone whose nervous system learned to survive before it learned how to rest.

If this episode stirs something and you want a softer place to land, Dear Ilja exists for that reason, a space to go slower, without fixing or analysis. There’s no pressure to reach out. Just know the door is open.

Take this episode at your own pace.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

There’s a stage of dating that doesn’t get talked about enough.

You’re not single.
  You’re not secure.
    And you don’t quite know where you stand.

For many of us, especially neurodivergent, trauma-aware women, that uncertainty isn’t just emotional. It’s physical. We feel it in our bodies, and until we have some sense of orientation, our nervous system stays unsettled.

In this episode, I explore:

• why ambiguity in dating can feel so dis-regulating
• why the need for clarity is about regulation, not neediness
• how this often gets misread as pressure or pushing
• and why many of us subconsciously turn to comfort food as a way to self-soothe when clarity is missing, especially post-menopause

This isn’t about stopping coping behaviours or fixing yourself.
 It’s about understanding what your body is doing, and meeting it with compassion instead of shame.

If you’ve ever found yourself analysing messages, replaying conversations, craving clarity, or soothing the discomfort with food while waiting to see where you stand,  this episode is for you.

💛 Support beyond the episode

If this has stirred something for you and you don’t want to hold it alone:

🎧 Voice Note Support
Send me a message and receive a grounded, thoughtful voice note in return, helping you orient yourself and settle your nervous system.

💌 Dear Ilja
Write in (anonymously if you wish) and receive an honest, compassionate response rooted in clarity, not judgement.

https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote

Until next spiral.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

Why does one plan hijack your whole day?

Why can’t you start anything else?

Why does a cancellation send you straight into freeze?

In this episode, I break down the AuDHD nervous-system pattern of anticipation, mobilisation, and shutdown, through my own lived experience. We talk about:

• why your body prepares hours before your mind
 • why waiting feels like pressure or pain
 • why time becomes distorted
 • why you can’t “just pivot”
 • and why freeze is a physiological response, not a flaw

This one goes deep into sensitivity, grief, emotional wiring, and the way our bodies remember old safety patterns.

If it hits home, you can reach out through Dear Ilja or download the free AuDHD Survival Guide in the show notes.

Until next spiral. 💛

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

This episode isn’t about a person.

It’s about the feeling your nervous system learned to depend on, and how that same pattern shows up at the beginning of relationships, at the end of relationships, and in the way we hyper-focus on passions, projects and ideas.

Inside this episode, we explore:

• why early connection can feel like oxygen
• why endings feel like withdrawal, even when you chose to leave
• why your body doesn’t “get the memo” when your mind has moved on
• how hyper-focus can shift from people to purpose
• why time blindness can feel like emotional absence in relationships
• why fixation on a person feels so different from immersion in a passion
• and what this pattern is actually about beneath the surface

This is a conversation about dopamine, regulation, attachment, grief, intensity, shame, drive, and the deep misunderstanding many AuDHD women carry about their own wiring.

It’s not about being “too much.”
 It’s about a nervous system that learned to survive through intensity before it ever learned how to feel safe in stillness.

If you’ve ever:

• fallen hard at the beginning
• struggled to regulate at the end
• or disappeared into an idea while a relationship waited quietly in the background…

This episode will meet you with clarity, not judgment.

No shame.
 No fixing.
 Just truth.

💛 DEAR ILJA + FREE AuDHD SURVIVAL GUIDE

If this episode stirred something in you and you’d like a safe, private space to talk it through:

Dear Ilja is open.

You can send me a voice note about anything that came up for you, dating, attachment, spirals, hyper-focus, heartbreak, shame, confusion, desire, grief… all of it.

No judgment.
No pressure.
No performing.

Just human support from someone who understands the wiring from the inside.

The link to Dear Ilja is here.

You can also download my free AuDHD Survival Guide, gentle, practical support for real life, not perfect routines.
That link is in the description too.

You don’t need to rush.
You don’t need to fix yourself.
You don’t need to carry this alone anymore.

Until next spiral. 💛

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

This is the episode women whisper about but never get to hear.

Today, we’re talking openly about impulsive behaviour in neurodivergent women, the fast yeses, the risky sex, the quiet “no” we can’t say, the adrenaline-soaked moments, the times we travelled too soon, trusted too quickly, or ended up in situations we never planned but somehow found ourselves in.

We go into:
 • sexual impulsivity
 • sex in risky places
 • sex clubs
 • alcohol and dopamine
 • survival yeses
 • people-pleasing as danger
 • ADHD impulsivity
 • trauma responses
 • risky intimacy
 • why ND women get targeted
 • what changes when you finally meet someone safe

It’s raw, gentle, fiery, honest, and deeply validating.

🔗 PRIVATE VOICE NOTE SUPPORT
If you need a safe space to talk about dating, sex, impulsive choices, attachment, or anything this episode stirred up, my one-to-one voice note support is open.
No judgment.
No shame.
Just clarity, compassion, and support in the exact moments you need it.

https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

If you live with ADHD, autism, trauma, or the full neurospicy trio, peace isn’t always peaceful at first.
Sometimes it feels suspicious or it feels empty.
Sometimes it may even feel like something must be wrong, because nothing is wrong.

In this episode, I’m talking about the strange, uncomfortable, beautiful journey of learning to trust peace when your nervous system only trusts intensity.

We dive into:

• why “calm” can feel unsafe
 • how ADHD, autism & trauma all disrupt your relationship with stillness
 • the awkward stage of healing when nothing’s wrong but everything feels weird
 • pattern recognition spirals (aka over-analysing EVERYTHING)
 • how to stop mistaking quiet for disconnection
 • how to slowly, gently, teach your body that safety is real
 • and the moment you finally realise you’re not bracing anymore

This episode is honest, vulnerable, a little bit funny, and full of aha-moments if you’ve ever felt “too much,” “too alert,” or “too sensitive” in dating, love, or life.

And if peace still feels foreign to you, you’re not behind.
 You’re just learning a new emotional language.

✨ Want to send in a question for ‘Dear Ilja’?
Email me at: [email protected]

✨ Want gentle, real-time support?
Try my private Voice Note Support:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote

✨ Get your free Survival Guide for ADHD & Autistic Women:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/survival-guide-for-adhd-autistic-women/

Thank you for being here.
 Thank you for healing in ways no one sees.
 And thank you for choosing the call - even when your storm feels easier.

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

Ever catch yourself replaying a text, analysing a look, or scanning for shifts in someone’s tone, and suddenly, you’re spiralling?
 This one’s for you.

In this episode, we dive deep into why so many of us with ADHD, autism, and trauma overthink, over give, and over feel in relationships, and how those patterns are rooted in survival, not weakness.

I talk about the pull to notice every tiny change, how pattern recognition can turn from a gift into a trigger, and what it really means to stay with yourself when your brain is screaming “danger” over something small.

You’ll hear how I’ve navigated these moments in real life, including what happens when your nervous system wants reassurance, but your power comes from self-regulation instead.

This episode isn’t about “fixing” your sensitivity, it’s about turning it into awareness.
 Because when you stop over explaining, over-adapting, and over-anxious loving… you finally start choosing peace instead of chaos.

💬 Topics include:

• Why overthinking feels safer than peace
• How ADHD, autism & trauma create emotional hyper-awareness
• The link between pattern recognition and spiralling
• Learning to pause between noticing and reacting
• How to trust your gut, not every thought
• Turning overgiving into grounded empathy

If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “too intense,” or “too aware,” this episode will help you realise, you were never too much. You were just tuned in.

🎧 Listen now, and join me for the next episode, “Peace After Chaos.”

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

There’s a moment after chaos when everything goes quiet, and you realise you’re different.
 The rush, the spark, the drama that used to feel like connection doesn’t hit the same. You start to wonder if calm can really be love.

In this episode, Ilja dives deep into rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), the intense emotional pain that comes when we perceive rejection or disconnection.
Drawing from her lived experience with ADHD, autism, and complex trauma, she explores what happens when the brain’s alarm system is always on high alert… and how it turns small moments of uncertainty into heartbreak.

You’ll hear stories of love, loss, friendship, and healing:
 💔 The ache of asking for clarity from someone who isn’t ready to give it, and learning to soothe the panic instead of chasing reassurance.
 💌 The heartbreak of losing a lifelong friend with no explanation, and how closure can sometimes come from writing your own ending.
 🧠 The constant conversation between ADHD, autism, and trauma, one part seeking dopamine, another craving order, another just wanting safety.

This episode is for anyone who’s ever felt too much, loved too deeply, or carried pain that felt louder than reason.
It’s about learning to pause before reacting.
To notice the wave without drowning in it.
To stop mistaking tension for chemistry, and pain for proof.

Because when you’ve lived a life wired for survival, peace can feel like danger.
But real love, the kind that lasts, is the warmth that stays, not the fire that burns.

🌀 If you’re walking this path too, this one’s for you.
Until next spiral, stay honest, stay gentle, and keep listening for the quiet kind of love that doesn’t demand proof.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

When you’ve only ever known love that burns, calm can feel like danger.
But safety - real, grounded, slow safety - is where desire begins to grow again.

There was a time I thought I knew what intimacy felt like - the pull, the craving, the chaos.
But I didn’t. I only knew how to perform love, chase it, or earn it.

In this episode, I’m talking about what happens after the chaos ends, when you stop spiralling for love and start slowly, clumsily, beautifully learning how to receive it.

We’ll explore how ADHD, autism, and trauma shape desire, why calm can feel confusing, and how to rebuild intimacy that’s real, embodied, and safe.
 It’s about learning to let love in, without losing yourself.

💋 “Because when you’ve only known survival, softness can feel unsafe. But real love? Real love feels slow… and safe enough to stay.”

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail

You know that kind of relationship that feels like a rollercoaster? The butterflies, the intensity, the late-night spirals, we call it “chemistry,” but what if it’s actually chaos?

In this episode, Ilja Abbattista unpacks why we keep falling for the wrong people, especially if you’re living with ADHD, trauma, or both. From trauma bonds and emotional addiction to the ADHD dopamine trap, this episode explores why calm can feel boring, why emotionally unavailable people feel addictive, and how to finally rewire what you crave in love.

It’s raw. It’s real. It might sting a little. But it just might change the way you date forever.

🔍 We talk about:

• The difference between trauma bonding and real connection
• Why your ADHD brain craves chaos
• How 'avoidants' become dopamine hits
• The science behind your “type”
• And how to start healing from the inside out

🎧 Plus, Ilja shares personal truths about what safe love really feels like, and how it’s nothing like the love she used to chase.

If you’ve ever confused intensity with intimacy, or felt addicted to the wrong person, this episode is for you.

🔮 Teaser for Episode 9:
 We’re talking about what happens after the chaos, rebuilding intimacy, trust, and desire when your whole love map has changed.

🎙️ Until next spiral…
 This is Dating on High Alert.

Free Guide

You’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.

A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.

Download it here:
 https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/

Support the show

🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.

Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.

For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.

🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources

📩 Join the podcast mailing list:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/

🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory

🎧 Support the podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new

📱 Instagram:
@iljaabbattista

📬 Contact:
l[email protected]

Until next spiral,
Ilja x