Dating, Relationships, and Disability

There are some real scary statistics out there about the high rate of sexual assaults on people with disabilities. While they should be discuss every day as a means of figuring out how to bring down this horrendous number, April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month, is a good time to do so.

In 2017 the US Justice Department came out with a report that said someone especially with an intellectual disability is seven times more likely to be sexually assaulted than someone without a disability. Seven times! Sadly, the DOJ didn’t even find this alarming statistic worthy of a published report. Says something about DOJ’s value on people with disabilities, doesn’t it?

The following conversation is still embedded in my brain and continues to haunt me in my work in sexuality and disability.

“Kelly’s telling me she has a boyfriend,” Lisa began. I supervised Lisa in a one to one service that got people out into the community.

Normally this would be something to celebrate, but it wasn’t.

“And that it’s her next door neighbor,” Lisa continued. She knew that Kelly’s neighbor was about 20 years older than her, married, with kids.

Kelly was in her early 20s and lived with an intellectual disability. Lisa went on to say, “Kelly tells me they’re having sex.”

In the midst of investigating what was happening, interviewing Kelly several, and having her examined by a doctor, it was concluded that Kelly’s neighbor had befriended her, groomed her, and eventually lured her to his basement to have sex with her one weekend while his wife and kids were away for the weekend.

Resources

Statistics on Sexual Assault and Disability

NPR's Abused and Betrayed Series

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for family members, special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Sign up for these workshops happening TODAY (publish date):

How to Solve the Dating and Relationship Puzzle

Why Dating Apps Are Not Working and What to Do Instead*?

Nichole Hastings is  Coordinator of Self-Advocacy & Community Engagement Westchester Institute for Human Development (WIHD) and is the Vice president of the Hear Our Voices Self-Advocacy Group And a current Trainee in the LEND programs with WIHD.

Nichole Hastings is a pioneer in every sense of the word.  Nichole lives independently with her roommate rural Central New York and will be the first to tell you that “I can’t” is not in her vocabulary.  

She graduated from her High School in 2002 and then continued her education attending classes at Cazenovia College.  She volunteers with the Development & Communications Department at The Arc of Madison Cortland and serves on several committees and boards.  

Once Nichole puts her mind to something there isn’t anything she can’t do. In fact, the following year she propelled her adaptive bike with her hands and arms and rode the 2017 Marine Coors Historical Half in Fredericksburg, Virginia finishing the 13.1 mile race in 4 hours and 11 minutes.  

She has presented at several conferences around the United States and credits the American with Disabilities Act (ADA) for providing changes that help her live an active and fulfilling life.  As a person with disabilities the ADA has allowed her to access her community to the fullest and independently use her power wheelchair.  

Nichole has spent many years directing her own services and advocating for herself and for others.  

In this interview we discuss Nicole's 16 year relationship with her partner and the devastating emotional impact that US governmental benefits have on the disabled. 

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Sign up for these workshops happening on April 11:

How to Solve the Dating and Relationship Puzzle

Why Dating Apps Are Not Working and What to Do Instead*?

Today I want to step back and have a “bigger picture” look at dating and relationships and talk about why we date. Now, of course, we all have our individual answers for that. But I think in the grand scheme of things, most of our answers come down to wanting love - to both give it and receive it. I believe that love makes the journey of life, with all its complexities and challenges, way more easy. For me, it’s like having a team mate who’s always there with you through the good and the bad.

When you’re in the thick of dating, putting yourself out there, and facing rejection - or worse, no one giving you a chance - it can be easy to say, screw it, it’s not worth the trouble or the heartache. That’s why we need moments to remember why we date and why we continue to pursue that sometimes elusive experience of loving and being loved. And why we open ourselves up to the possibility of rejection, heartbreak, and disappointment. 

So why do we do it? 

Love is a powerful emotion that can make us feel alive, happy, and fulfilled. 

Love is one of the most fundamental human needs. We all crave love, affection, and connection. It’s what makes us feel alive and gives us a sense of purpose. When we love, we experience a deep sense of joy, fulfillment, and meaning in our lives. 

For some of you listening, what I’m talking about may feel like something you’ve been dreaming of for years, but for one reason or another, it feels out of your hands. You’re tempted to give up and say it’s not worth it. 

The key is to approach love with intention, mindfulness, and self-awareness. Before we jump into a new relationship, we need to be clear about our own needs, wants, and values. We need to communicate honestly and openly with our partner about our expectations, boundaries, and goals. We also need to be willing to take things slow, to build trust gradually, and to be patient with the process.

For those who have been hurt before, it’s important to take the time to heal and process those experiences. This might involve therapy, self-reflection, or spending time with supportive friends and family. It’s also important to let go of any lingering bitterness, anger, or resentment towards past partners. When we hold onto these negative emotions, we prevent ourselves from being fully open and present in new relationships. Finally, we need to trust ourselves and our instincts. We need to listen to our intuition and choose partners who align with our values, needs, and desires.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Sonya Rio-Glick (she/her) is a queer and disabled Disability Justice practitioner, organizational leader, writer, and cultural worker based in Atlanta. Raised by two moms in Upstate NY, Sonya has contended with complex social justice issues her entire life.

In 2013, she began providing disability etiquette and accessibility workshops at COLAGE, the largest support network for people with LGBTQ+ parents & caregivers in the US, which spearheaded a career in social change: in 2015 Sonya released a full length documentary on disability The Souls of our Feet, and would go on to reform fire evacuation policy for students at Purchase College, SUNY, where she would graduate with a BA in Arts Management.

Since graduating, Sonya has danced, choreographed, and facilitated trainings on a range of social-political issues across the US. Notably, she produced the Dance Poem Waves With Nowhere To Go in 2022, and is the former Co-Executive Director of Dance for All Bodies.

Recently Sonya had the honor of supporting Stacey Abrams' 2022 gubernatorial campaign in a Disability Engagement & Accessibility capacity, and is pursuing graduate studies in Social Justice at Harvard University. She dreams of a world that integrates principles of Disability Justice- find out more about Sonya's work at www.sonyarioglick.com.

Resources

How you can connect with Sonya:

Instagram

LinkedIn

Website

Waves With Nowhere To Go (English)

Waves With Nowhere To Go (Spanish)

I'm Sexy and Disabled: Now What? 

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Marco, 36, loves everything to do with cars and working out. His relationship with Dana is my second serious relationship ever. 

Dana, 44, has three children, and has a property manager for ten years. She now works for the New York state housing authority. She never dated someone with a disability before meeting Marco. 

They chat with me about meeting on a dating app, Dana getting to know how to support Marco, deciding to live together because they were long distanced, and the unfortunate resistance they have faced from Marco's family.

They also share some sage advice about getting out there, taking a risk, and possibly falling in love.

Resources

Marco's email - [email protected]

Dana's email - [email protected]

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

 “Joey” Pagano,  a Central New York-based journalist, columnist, and writer. He recently obtained my masters degree in Cultural Foundations of Education and certificate of advanced study in Disability Studies from Syracuse University’s School of Education. He graduated from Syracuse’s S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications in May 2021, one year early, and am pursuing a career in journalism and politics. Currently a research assistant at SU’s Burton Blatt Institute and a legislative correspondent in the office of New York State Senator John W. Mannion, he is seeking freelance opportunities.

Since graduating, he's been a guest columnist for Syracuse.com/The Post Standard, writing columns on a variety of topics. He also written for Yahoo Life and contributed to work at Syracuse’s Center on Disability and Inclusion.” (Website: wheelchairqb.com)

We chat about:

Follow Joey on Instagram

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today I want to focus on transitional behavior change in dating. In this episode, we will be discussing how to change your behavior in small ways to get the results in dating and relationships that you want. Whether you're moving from casual dating to a committed relationship or just trying to work up the courage to put yourself out there, these transitions can be challenging, and changing your behavior can be even more difficult.

To start, it's essential to understand that transitional behavior change requires self-awareness and intentionality. You have to be aware of the behaviors that no longer serve you and intentional about changing them. It's also essential to remember that these changes won't happen overnight. It takes time and effort to make significant changes in behavior.

When it comes to the behavior changes required so that you can put yourself out there, that even more challenging. That’s why you want to begin with small steps like maybe just reading a book or an article on dating. Maybe you join a free dating site or app to just get used to it. Maybe you tell one friend you’re thinking of dating and ask if they know anyone that may be a good match for you.

The key is you begin to take action to develop new behaviors that will lead to you being more open and available to meet potential dates. I recently heard someone talk about transitional behavior change when she began losing 100 pounds. Now losing 100 pounds feels like a monumental task. This woman began by just walking 15 minutes a day. 15 minutes is very doable. Many of you don’t know I wrote a book several years ago called Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities. It took me several years to write and I finally finished it by beginning to write 15 minutes a day.

So if you’re having a hard time getting going with dating, what can you do in 15 minutes a day to make progress?

In conclusion, transitional behavior change in dating requires self-awareness, intentionality, and effort. Whether you're transitioning from casual dating to a committed relationship or from a long-term relationship to being single, the key is to be open to change and willing to do the work. Remember that change won't happen overnight, and it's essential to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. With the right mindset and commitment, you can successfully navigate these transitions and create a dating life that aligns with your values.

Resources 

Dating Made Easier membership

Kathy's book - Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I'm sharing a Q & A session from the dating presentation in Episode 72 I  gave to the Myositis Association.

Malati Marlene Shinazy from the Myostis community dropped a wisdom bomb on  the best question - and the only question - you should ask on a first date.

We also talk about:

• Ableism in dating
• The Promotional Self versus the Real Self in Dating
• How to disclose a disability
• Sex versus intimacy 

Resources

Free download: How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability

Check out our Dating Memberships:
Check out all the support and resources you get in the Dating Made Easier membership to help you get the results you need. You get a ton of support for just $29 a month! :)

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Listen to a live workshop I gave to the Myositis Association.  You'll hear the three essentials to dating with a disability. The simple breakdown is:

1. Beliefs - You have to have a positive belief system about yourself, your disability, and your potential for dating.
2.  A Dating Plan - A lot of people want to date, dream about it, hope for it, but don't really plan for it. You need a plan for how you're going to turn your DESIRES INTO ACTIONS.
3. Support - Dating is hard for anyone! You need support. Who are the people who you can turn to listen to you, encourage you, and help you problem solve?

Listen to how I break it down in a simple format in just a few minutes.

Get the Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier workbook here.

If you feel you could use support on any or all three of these essentials, check out all the support and resources you get in the Dating Made Easier membership to help you get the results you need. You get a ton of support for just $29 a month! :)

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate