Dating, Relationships, and Disability

How can we change society to accommodate disability?

I was recently at a conference in which this was asked of the audience in a workshop on presuming competence and ableism.  It got me thinking what if we were to substitute the word society with dating? How can we change dating to accommodate disability?

That question in itself may be the rest of my life’s work. It’s huge. It’s the answer to so many challenges around dating and disability. If we accommodated, which I define as people opening up their minds and hearts, in the dating world, how would dating become different for everyone? 

Would people be more compassionate, tolerant, and understanding of not just people with disabilities but all people? Would people be more patient and kind, rather than be so quick to swipe left?

How Do We Accommodate?

Self Awareness 

I think we begin with a lot more self awareness on everyone’s part. This means being aware and taking responsibility for the judgments we have. I’m talking about people who are disabled and people who are not. 

We often think that if we’re dating someone without a disability that they will certainly have judgments of us, but don’t we also have judgments about them which creates defenses? These defenses then create barriers to further understanding one another.

If we engage with one another from a place of being aware and owning our judgments, that will foster a more genuine understanding and openness with one another.

Willingness to Let Go of What You Think You Want

This will seem contrary to what I usually talk and teach about regarding knowing what kind of partner you want, which I do believe is important. However, it helps to have a little openness to being surprised by what the universe sends your way. While it’s good to know our general type, it’s also very healthy to have wiggle room for the unexpected.

I’m sure if six months before my husband met me, if someone said to him, “Hey, you know that woman you’ve been longing to meet? She’ll have cerebral palsy by the way,” he probably would have said, “I don’t think so.” But meeting me and having the openness to let go of expectations as we got to know one another helped him accommodate for a disabled partner.

Become a Problem Solver

When you live with a disability, problem solving becomes second nature because we have to do it constantly. Everything from inaccessible entrances to workplace discrimination to dealing with condescending people, we problem solve.

What I notice in the dating world, is a disability equates to a problem, but not as easily do people think about a solution. When you’re face with the potential of your date being a wheelchair user or on the spectrum, why not ask “Well, how could hanging out with this person work?” This question is so much more accommodating than the “They’re different, this won’

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today I want to flip the script a little. Normally I’m encouraging people who are out there dating and meeting people to focus on yourself, your thoughts, your behaviors, and what you want. All of those things you should definitely do. But sometimes it helps to just consider what your dates or people you want to be your dates are thinking.

Remember, a thought doesn’t make anything real. This actually can work to your advantage. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how there are definitely people who would never consider dating someone with a disability. I think it may actually be a good exercise to go into the mind of someone like this to examine that belief and see the fallacy in it.

Let’s even give them a gender neutral name, Pat. Say Pat looks at someone with a disability and thinks I would never want to be with someone like that. If we’re really being honest, there’s a good chance that Pat would not even see the person with a disability.

So Pat has some belief systems that separate them from other people. It could be they think they’re superior. It could be there very consumed in their own little world. It could be the perceived vulnerability of a disability shakes their own vulnerability way too much.

What may come out instead is pity, ableism, judgment, or all three. This is where the fallacy thinking comes in. It’s the belief in staying in the past, in what has been, rather than what could be. That thought of I have never been attracted to people with disabilities, why would I begin now?

Why would I open myself to a new way to love?

I believe we’re are changing how people see us with disabilities, but it’s slow. I believe the more we can pursue the relationships we want and even risk rejection and getting hurt, the more we evolve that thinking that shuts down so much growth and opportunity.

The important thing for you to know is their thinking is not ultimately about you, even though you may feel that way. Their belief system is based on a way of thinking that hasn’t yet caught with the potential of you.

When you encounter this, it may be helpful to pause and say, “Oh that’s interesting that you think that way.” No need to get defensive. They just have not caught up with you yet.  You just keep being you and getting out there and doing your thing. I assure you, the more you do, the more you’ll increase your chances of finding more like minded people.

Resources

Remember your affirmations and beliefs for helping you stay grounded in your value. Check out the updated version of Rising Above Sexual Ableism for this week to help you with that.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Ableism is a system of false beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in society and can be quite hurtful and damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. The good news is that you don't need to buy into ableism. Yes, it's out there but it doesn't need to define you. To feel more empowered over the effects of ableism, let's first look at how it has affected you. 

What are some ways you have dealt with false beliefs related to ableism? 

How has it affected you in both overt and subtle ways? Take five minutes to write about your challenges in this area. 

How does this affect your feelings about yourself and your confidence?

"The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new." - Socrates 

What are some positive beliefs you can believe about yourself and your disability? 

For example, My disability and the experience of living with it only adds to what I have to offer.

Boundaries and Relationship Skills 

In rising above ableism, it is so crucial to focus on developing healthy boundaries and the ability to clearly communicate them. This helps to build healthy relationship skills. 

What boundaries do you think are important for a healthy relationship then practice communicating your boundaries. You can communicate your boundaries by first identifying what you need and want to be different in the relationship. 

Example -  "Having personal space and time to myself to engage in activities that I enjoy" or "Having a partner/friend that respects my ideas, thoughts, and opinions." 

Example - "My personal space and time is important to me, I need space to do the activities that I enjoy." 

Checking In With Yourself 

If something doesn't feel right, trust how you feel and communicate about it. Ask yourself "Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?" It is so important to take the time to practice checking in with yourself. This will help you become aware if you are being treated fairly and what needs to be addressed in the relationship. 

In the area below, write down 3 questions that you can ask yourself to check in to see if you are truly happy in a relationship. Example -"Do I like the way I am being spoken to?" "Are my needs being met?" "Am I feeling happy and satisfied in this relationship?" 

Resources

Download the updated version of the resource guide, Rising Above Ableism, to help you take a look at how you are so much more than the discrimination you deal with due to your disability.

Episode #2 - What is Sexual Ableism?

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

If you’re someone out there trying to date or even wanting to date and maybe you’re not yet seeing the results you want, it may be challenging to feel grateful for the dating process. When you’re feeling lonely, isolated, and not receiving the attention you are so craving from others, being grateful may very well be the last thing you want to feel.

But it could be so helpful.

Hear me out on this. According to Harvard Health, “Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” Basically, gratitude changes our state of mind from one of lack to looking at what we do have.

I know you’re saying, “But what do I have? I don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I can’t even get people to swipe on my profile.”

I realize how hard being alone can feel. I had many years of enduring that feeling. It definitely doesn’t feel good. But this right here, when nothing feels like it’s working and you’re lonely as hell, is when you most need that sense of gratitude.

What to be Grateful for About Dating 

I’m encouraging you to look at whatever your dating experience has been and find what you’re grateful for. There has to be something. Whether it’s a relationship that ended, but taught you something about yourself or a quality about your personality that you have learned about yourself in pursuing relationships. Maybe it’s something that when it happened, you felt angry or resentful, but then after time, you realized there was some blessing in that not so great experience. 

I remember dating a guy for a few months and really liking him, but he broke it off. When he did he told me he wanted to be with someone who was “more into their body.” I of course took offense to this but over time, I realized that I was not really appreciating the body (and figure!) I had in my early thirties. So I was eventually grateful for that “nudge” by that former boyfriend.

Step into gratitude by looking at what you’re learning about the dating process, even through failure. Are you learning to better communicate through trial and error? Are you getting a better sense of the kind of person you want to be with? Maybe you’re learning what you won’t tolerate in relationships? 

There IS something you’re grateful for, my friend. Find it. Name it. Own it. And use it to help you get even better in dating and relationships.

Simple Exercise 

There’s no resource guide for this podcast because I want you to do a very simple exercise. Take out your phone, tablet, or even a good old fashioned index card. Write or record what you’re grateful for. Look at it every day, preferably multiple times a day, until it’s embedded in your beautiful brain. Embody what you’re grateful for. If you do this, you’ll begin to notice a change in your thinking and approach to dating and relati

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Are you someone who has difficulty dating because of others in your life not being receptive to the idea of you dating? I continue to hear about this happening. The supports in someone’s life are just not open to the idea of dating. They say no, you can’t date, even though they have no authority to do this. Keep in mind, in most states, even legal guardianship, doesn’t give someone the authority to do this.

But it can be hard when the people in your life don’t support, and hence, don’t do anything to help you with one of your biggest dreams. Sometimes you may need transportation to meet up with someone, or you may need someone to give you encouragement, or you may need help accessing your money to pay for something dating related. And you don’t get it.

This can be very frustrating and can make you feel helpless. What may help in situations is to become a dating advocate. What exactly is a dating advocate? Well, it’s pretty simple, much like any advocacy situation, you promote your right to date and have intimate relationships.

This may begin by talking to others in your life about why you want to date and why it’s meaningful to you. Many times others put up barriers to dating because they’re afraid for someone’s safety. I like to believe that once someone understands your why behind your dream, they're more likely to want to help you. If people love you and want your best, then wouldn’t they want you to ultimately feel love And happiness despite heartbreak, failures and challenges that go along with dating for most people.

However, sometimes they may know your why and still not be supportive and even try to prevent you from dating. This is when you may have to elevate your advocacy efforts.

As I said at the beginning, even legal guardianship can usually not prevent a person from developing relationships. We’re all entitled to love and affection and that is our right.

I want to talk about sexual consent for just a minute. It’s a complicated issue and varies state by state. I’m am definitely not an expert in it, but I do want to say unless you have been deemed unable to understand what sexual consent is and the implications of giving sexual consent, and your viewed as an adult in the state you live in (it varies by state), you can give sexual consent. Someone else cannot say no on your behalf.

Going back to advocacy, you can intensify it in the area of dating by reminding people of your rights to relationships, to make decisions, to take risks, and even fail. If the people preventing you from dating are saying they’re just trying to keep you safe or from getting hurt, please remind them that most people who date and eventually form very loving relationships, get hurt somewhere along the way. This is about the dignity of risk.

You may also need to identify a couple people in your life who can be allies for you and help you advocate. Remember streng

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

One of the most significant barriers I have found in both working with people with disabilities on dating and relationships, as well as counseling people is how to undo a negative belief. It can be real hard to do so, especially when you had others give you negative messages, reacted negatively to you, or you haven’t received the results you have wanted in your dating pursuits. 

Just to explain a little further by what I mean by results. Results are the outcomes you’re looking to achieve by anything you try. In dating and relationships, results can be getting a date, people responding to your dating profile, meeting new people who could be potential dates.

If we don’t get good feedback on what we’re trying to do and/or the results we want, it makes it hard to undo a negative belief. For example, I know a man with CP who worked up the courage to ask a girl out in high school. She just said to him, “Are you always going to walk that way?” Statements like this can keep negative beliefs, like no one will find me attractive because of my disability, really entrenched in our minds.

When we have been hurt and the world hasn’t validated our worth, it can be really hard to undo negative beliefs.

But what else are you going to do? Go through life letting negative beliefs rule and make you feel worse about yourself?

Our brains can be very sneaky. They can make us think that what we believe is reality. But I don’t think you want your reality to be doubting yourself or feeling you can’t achieve what you want.

You need to consciously choose what you want to think and believe about yourself. Let me show you how to to do this by example.

Let’s take the example of no one will date me because I have a disability. You have to begin to undo this by thinking what is the replacement belief you want. In this case, the thought you might obviously want to have is people will date me and accept my disability.

This may seem like a jump from no one will date me to people in general will date me. But what about a bridge thought? A bridge thought is a thought that is a smaller step to a bigger belief. For our example here, the bridge thought could be, there’s someone out there who would love to date me. That way you’re focusing on believing a more manageable belief. This more manageable belief can then help undo the negative belief of no one wanting to date you.

Now here’s the key to all this. When you find yourself believing a negative, you got to stop your brain and redirect it to the positive belief, almost like you would a small child. Say “Oh no, we’re not doing that, we’re going over here.”

It takes work to redirect our minds away from negative beliefs but that’s how we begin to do it. This is so important because most of the time, whatever we believe becomes our reality. If you believe people won’t date you because of your disability, that will like

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

The most common questions people ask when wanting to date is how do I meet people.

I certainly wondered about this when I was single. Most of my friends were married and by the time I was in my 30s, I really didn’t want to hang out in a bar. So how do you meet people? 

I have some ideas. As with much of what I recommend, it involves strategies and you’ll need to actually do it.

Familiarity

Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you.This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.

Take a new look at the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

Try New Places

The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.

Get outside of your comfort zone. Try new places, events, and activities. 

You never know what will come of it.

Online Dating

Online dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people.

Do what feels right for you. 

Always make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person.

If you decide to try online dating, what are 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join. 

It may be good to stay with a site at last three months before switching.

Putting thought, time, and energy into these details to reflect who you are will likely increase the chances for success.

Resources

How to Meet People guide

The Dating Profile guide

Link to podcast episode 29 on How to Meet People

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Chris Johnson describes himself as a 42-year-old man in a wheelchair with Cerebral Palsy,  He says, "My experience with dating and relationships amounts to a series of unrequited crushes throughout my adolescence and adulthood. I’ve never been on a date or had a girlfriend. In the past two years or so, I’ve really grown emotionally and spiritually, and I feel ready to enter a committed romantic relationship with a woman who’s willing and able to share a life with me. 

I believe that ableism poses a large obstacle to dating and relationships for people with disabilities. We’re seen as undesirable partners due to our physical limitations, as well as the issues these limitations pose regarding mobility, fitness, and perceived attractiveness. I’m average-looking at my worst, but for years, I believed I was ugly because of my weight. Although I think I would be seen in a better light if I lost quite a few pounds, I doubt if that alone could negate the effects ableism has on my social life.

One of the many reasons I appreciate Radiant Abilities is their effort to educate people on how to recognize ableism and overcome it. It’s so ingrained in our society that people—both able-bodied and differently-abled—don’t often realize on a conscious level that they are engaging in it. I guarantee that I myself have deep-seated ableist attitudes that need to change. Radiant Abilities can help me change them with the resources you provide. 

The advice I would give to people with disabilities who are in search of dating success and healthy relationships is to first cultivate an attitude of self-love and self-confidence. Become the person you want to be in a relationship with. Stay humble and grateful, while filling your mind with positive thoughts and intentions. 

Then, speak those affirmations aloud until you feel as if you have already attained the success you seek. Your confident, positive energy will attract potential partners who will also be confident and positive. This type of manifestation takes patience and faith. It’s a process I’ve found myself in for nearly two years now, and I feel like things are slowly but surely aligning for me to find a path to a life partner."

Resources
Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

You can connect with Chris on:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

The Purple Knight podcast about his favorite musician, Prince

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This may sound in opposition to what I normally talk about when it comes to dating and relationships. If you’re having fear and doubt about yourself in the dating and relationship, that can actually be a good sign. And you’re saying, “Wait a minute, don’t you preach self esteem and confidence when dating and in relationships?”

Yes, I do, but having good self esteem and confidence doesn’t mean you’re free from fear and doubt. Sometimes the people who have the highest amounts of self esteem and confidence struggle with fear and doubt the most. Many times this is because they’re taking big risks to reach their dreams and it’s scarier than all heck.

The difference with these people is they don’t let fear and doubt stop them. They work through the fear and doubt to keep meeting the new opportunities and challenges to face them on the way to their dreams.

Fear and doubt, in nearly anything, can be a good sign because it usually means you’re growing, changing, and challenging yourself to move forward in life. If you have fear and doubt in dating, maybe that means you’re challenging yourself to get out there, rather than allowing your fear to stop you from doing so.

Make Friends With Fear and Doubt 

It’s human nature to shrink from fear and doubt. No one wakes up and says, “Yes! I’m going to fear scared and doubt myself all day long.” But when we avoid feeling fear and doubt at all costs, even our dreams and what we want most in the world, we’re letting fear and doubt rule.

We don’t make friends with fear and doubt. What I mean by that is we don’t chase fear and doubt away and we don’t hide from it. We just let it be. We have it come to us as a way of understanding why it’s there, much like we would a friend.

I have a few prompts that you could ask yourself to help you be less intimidated by fear and doubt, especially in dating and relationships.

How about just being curious, rather than upset or nervous, by fear and doubt? This helps put you in a state of wonder, rather than anxiety.

Why don’t you ask fear and doubt why they showed up, much like you would a friend? The answer may give you the exact insight you need.

Ask yourself how can I take fear and doubt along with me on this endeavor rather than allow it to stop me? Again, much like you might go on a journey with a friend.

These tips might sound weird to you, but be open to it. 

What do you have to lose if you find fear and doubt are preventing you from maybe putting yourself out there, connecting with someone, or just believing in yourself.

Trust me, when I was confident enough to tell my husband I wanted to get to him more on our first date, I was still filled with fear and doubt. I just did it anyway.

Remember fear and doubt can be a good thing. It means you’re shaking things up and reaching outside your comfort zone. A lot of growth can happen there.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

If you’re listening to this around the time that it’s published, we’re newly into the last quarter of the year. It seems every year, although we know October, November and December come every year, we are surprised by its arrival.

Did you have plans and goals for yourself this year, maybe around dating and relationships? Was this going to be the year that things finally changed and you met someone? But now it’s October and you’re thinking, “Shoot this is like every other year.”

Don’t give up! You got three months to make progress.

Why not pick a small goal for each month - October, November and December - to make just a little or a lot of progress toward your goals?

Some examples could be writing your dating profile. Remember you should have one whether or not you’re doing online dating,

You could join a group, virtually or in person, as a way of meeting new people?

Or tell three people you’re looking to date and do they know anyone for you to meet?

Pick one goal per month to work on. Who knows? You may actually meet someone.

Resources
If you feel you need help with this, download the 3, 2, 1 Plan, which helps you come up with three positive affirmations, two powerful beliefs about dating, and one action you can take toward your dating goals. Bonus points for coming up with three actions, one for each month.

The year is not over! Make this season count! Don’t give up!

Credits
Music by Successful Motivation
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate