Dating, Relationships, and Disability

For Valentine's Day, I wanted to share a story of a couple living out dating, relationships, and disability. Victoria is a 32 year old woman who was born prematurely with an official diagnosis of spastic diplegia cerebral palsy within her first year. She is  a full-time wheelchair user - college educated with a degree in Spanish. 

Sean is a science writer, maker, cat dad, and halfway decent baker. Originally from Connecticut, he has lived in Knoxville, TN since 2014. He enjoys gaming, comedy, and sci-fi and fantasy, or “nerd stuff,” as Victoria calls it.

In this interview they share how they met on Tinder, their first date, and how they have brought Victoria's disability into their relationship. They also discuss:

What do you think are the particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships?

Victoria: ABLEISM! Internal, sure. But especially external/societal. 

I’ve lost count of the number of times the question “can you have sex?”is the first thing a Tinder match would ask. Yes, especially for those of us with physical disabilities, our differences and challenges and limitations might be immediately apparent, but trust me, there’s so much more beneath the surface! 

Sean: On the partner side, I had to learn to think about every aspect of an activity or outing through the lens of disability and accessibility. You have to put yourself in your partner’s place and consider more factors that just don’t affect non-disabled people in the same way, like adjusting travel times, accounting for crowds, and researching a place’s accessibility ahead of time. 

How do you think society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners?

Victoria: I’ll echo Sean’s sentiment. Interabled couple representation in the media isn’t the missing piece of the puzzle, so to speak, but it means a hell of a lot. 

Sean: Representation of interabled couples in the media would definitely be a step.  Normalizing disabled romance and affection in public so people’s default thought when seeing an interabled couple is not “that’s their caregiver”

What do you think is the most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships?

Victoria: Learn about yourself. Learn about your wants and your needs and your values. Learn about your attachment style. Therapy is a great place to do this work, if you are fortunate enough to have access to it.

The more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to determine what you’re looking for in a partner. Show your partner what you’ve learned, be curious about what they’re learning. See if they're willing and able to learn and grow alongside you. 

Resources

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This year we're aiming to make dating EASIER for you. Join us for lunch of Valentine's Day, bring a question or dating dilemma you're dealing with, and let us share some solutions with you.

Sign up here to join us on Valentine's Day at 12pm EST.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

“Consult your own heart and decide what kind of person you want to be,” 
-Chris Lowney, Heroic Living 

Often when we’re dating and not getting the results we want, ie, not getting dates or people even looking at our profile, it can get pretty discouraging. That discouragement can certainly intensify the loneliness and frustration you feel about dating. This may cause you to think, What else can I be doing or what am I doing wrong? I remember thinking this a lot when I was single and trying to date.

I was so wrong and I think that my approach of focusing on what they wanted kept me feeling like I was hitting a brick wall. Putting so much energy into figuring out what others wanted left me not being my authentic self. One of the most important lessons I have learned in life is the more authentic you are, the more you draw the right people for you, the people who really get and understand you. Sure, some people won’t like you but they’re not your people and you need to trust that being with them would ultimately make you miserable.

There’s an important question you can ask yourself to help you put the focus back on you when it comes to dating. I mentioned it in Episode 66 when I reviewed Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier.  The answer to this question transformed me from feeling insecure and awkward in dating to relaxing into the truth of who I was.

Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Think about this for a minute because it’s an important question. For me, I wanted to be someone who unapologetically accepted myself and my disability in the dating scene. You see, I felt like I had already done that in all areas of my life except in dating. I wanted to be able to address issues related to my disability without worrying that it was this big obstacle that potential dates could not work through. I wanted to feel more confident in what I could offer as a partner and focus on that.

I also made another decision that made all the difference. I decided to enjoy dating rather than dreading the whole process of putting myself out there and meeting new people, which is what I did until then. As you can imagine, this changed the energy I brought to dating. By staying inside my own head  and focusing on the person I wanted to be in the dating scene, dating did become easier for me. And within just a couple months, I met my husband.

I encourage you to really think on this: Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Come up with just 3-5 adjectives or phrases you can focus on such as confident, secure, owning my disability, open, relaxed. Then really allow your words to roll around in your brain and being. Embody them. Become them. Remember we’re always evolving into the person we’re meant to be, so just because you haven’t been

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

If you saw the title of this podcast and thought, Wait a minute, you’re always saying how you need dating confidence. And while i still agree with this, I think one of the ways we grow the most in life is to consider different alternatives to looking at our own ideas so they're not etched in stone. I recently read a great book that i was actually asked to review before it’s published. It will be out on February 23. It’s a business book called Two Weeks Notice by Amy Porterfield, who has been an online teacher of mine for several years now. The book is great one for giving you a framework for beginning your own business or side hustle. 

And as a side note - I will actually begin connecting this to dating in a second - but even though employment is not my area of expertise in the disability field, I’m a huge proponent of people with disabilities beginning their own businesses and dictating their own career path. And to be honest, a lot of why I feel so strongly about this is because there’s so much employment discrimination to deal with even once you’re given a position. So I say, screw it, forge your own path to success and money. 

Okay, I’ll get back in my lane and return to talking about dating…

In the book, Amy distinguishes courage from confidence with this statement: “Courage is something you choose. Confidence is something you earn.” She goes on to explain courage starts when you begin to have the desire for something, although you’re uncertain about how or even if you’ll get it. Courage is also present even when you have no proof of succeeding at something in the past. 

Confidence is then the outcome of courageous acts and what you gain over time. To put this in the dating context, you need courage for example to go on a dating app and put your profile up. Confidence will develop as you begin to feel more comfortable and talking with others on the app.

Courage is driven by your desire for something - wanting to share your life with someone, not wanting to feeling lonely, longing to be loved, wanting to be accepted and seen. A number of things could be driving your courage even when you don’t feel confident. 

What is vital is that you honor that desire within yourself and choose to pursue it, even though you feel insecure and unsure how to go about doing so. Remember if you don’t honor your dreams and desires, who will?

If you want support in gathering your courage and gaining confidence, check out the brand new Dating Made Easier monthly membership, where you’ll get support for figuring out the dating puzzle and learn skills to make it way easier and enjoyable. Check out the link in the show notes.

Yes, you heard it from me. If you don’t feel confident in dating, no worries. You just need a little bit of coura

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today is a big day at my company, Radiant Abilities, because we’re taking a deeper dive into our mission of helping “move the needle” on people with disabilities being seen as dating and relationship partners. 

As I have mentioned previously on past shows, we spent most of last year researching what people with disabilities were experiencing when it came to dating. Here are some highlights we learned:

• 72% of the people with disabilities interviewed rank dating and relationships as either Very Important or Important in their life.
• Most reported the following challenges they encounter when dating: not finding online dating successful, not meeting the right type of person, being unsure how to effectively communicate about their disability, and lacking confidence in the dating scene.
• 64% of the people with disabilities interviewed reported a desire for ongoing training and support to learn skills in communication, healthy boundaries, increase confidence, and coping with ableism.

We wanted to create a space in which people trying to date and develop healthy relationships, to work on skills such as confidence and communication in a supportive learning community. While we are certainly known for helping people with disabilities, our new membership, Dating Made Easier, is open to all people, with and without disabilities. This is because inclusion is one of our core values and two, so many times over the years, people have said to me how work really applies to all people.

Now on the professional side, we are also opening Supporting Dating and Relationships membership. Last year we interviewed over 100 professionals in disability services.

Here are some of the key findings from talking with them:

• 87% of professionals interviewed rank dating and relationships with PWDs as important all the time or important when it comes up.  
• 93% who are concerned about social issues rank it either important all the time or important when it comes up. 
• A third of professionals identified dating as one of biggest challenges 
• These same professionals tend to go to “Expert Resources” in dating and relationships while online and find them helpful 100% of the time.
• Aside from the above statistic, professionals report that resources for dating and relationships are not working 75% of the time.

I realize, though, that many professionals have a strong desire to do this but don’t feel they have enough training and adequate resources to do so, especially when it comes to helping someone with dating skills.

We are hosting free informational workshops this week and next. 

Links to sign up for the Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier workshop:

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Before we begin, I want to invite you to a free workshop next week. We’re actually offering two. The first is for people wanting to date, called Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier. In this workshop, you’ll learn how to take overwhelm and frustration out of dating. You’ll learn how to do this by focusing on increasing your dating self esteem, having a dating plan, and follow through. The workshop will be offered at a couple times. Sign up here.

The second workshop is for professionals, particularly those with people with disabilities. Effectively Supporting Dating and Professionals will lay out a framework for supporting people in developing skills for successful dating and healthy relationships. You can sign up here.

Have you considered what’s possible for you in dating and relationships? Often when we have a dream, our brains tend to focus on the barriers or limits to reaching that dream. That’s our brain being primitive and trying to protect us from harm or disappointment. When we begin to think about possibilities in our life that bring some level of risk, like dating, our brains think about what can go wrong as a way of trying to minimize the harm we may experience. The problem with this is it can keep us stuck in limited beliefs.

The Possibility Formula 

There’s an incredible life coach I follow, Brooke Castillo, who uses what she calls the Possibility Formula in her teaching. She describes the formula as “working really diligently on is helping people reinvent their personal truths. Uncovering their limiting belief, the things that they’re using to limit themselves, and helping them release those things so they can see beyond what they thought possible for themselves.”

To break this down, the way you come up with a possibility formula for yourself is to look at the goal or dream of what you want to achieve. Then look at the limiting beliefs you have about yourself in achieving that goal or dream. So for dating, the goal may be you want to find a partner, but the limiting belief is that you believe people won’t even give you the chance, maybe because you feel they don’t see beyond your disability.

That’s the limiting belief that is holding you back from the possibilities of a partner. This is where you need to ask yourself is this belief helping me create the possibilities I want or blocking them?

You then do the work on releasing the limiting belief. Maybe that no one gives me a chance becomes there’s someone out there who would love to meet me.

I want you to think about how you can lean into possibilities. By th

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Did you know that January 8, which was just two days ago if you’re listening live to this podcast, is the “best” day of the year to be doing online dating? The theory behind this is its due to the combination of New Year’s resolutions and the large number of post holiday break ups that drive people to online dating sites. Apparently, right about now is an optimal time to be online dating because the selection of prospects of dates is higher than usual.

However, that’s not at all intended to imply that your prospects are dismal the rest of the year. But you may be thinking, Ugh, online dating, do I really want to do that? For years and I mean years, I felt the same way, despite watching a close friend get on a dating site in the very early days of online dating and eventually meet her husband. At that time in my head, online dating felt like a “phony” way to meet people.

But here’s the catch - I wasn’t meeting many people offline either

Whether you’re doing online or offline dating, I want to talk to you about three essentials that help when you’re dating. In my most recent work in the area of dating and relationships, I’ve been asking people about what does not work for them. Many interestingly reported that online dating does not work and it further discourages them from dating altogether. This is because it’s hard to continually put yourself out there and face rejection. 

Essential #1 - Dating Self Esteem and Confidence 

That’s where I believe Dating Essential #1 comes in: Dating Self Esteem and Confidence. You may feel overall good about yourself and confident in your life, But what about when you have to put yourself out there in a vulnerable way and risk rejection, like in dating? It IS scary because there is a good probability that you may be rejected. And rejection hurts and can do a number on your self esteem and confidence.

But how do you do that? It begins with a MINDSET that builds your dating self esteem and confidence. Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Think about this for a minute because it’s an important question.

The answer to this question transformed me from feeling insecure and awkward in dating to relaxing into the truth of who I was.

Essential #2 - A Plan, Not Just Hope 

How are you going to turn your actions into desires? 

Often the things we want the most in life require a lot of work. It is the most in life require a lot of work. Even when we fail.

What is your plan for being consistent about getting out there and meeting people? Where will you meet people? Online? In person? Where are you most comfortable meeting people?

And equally important, where can you reach out of your comfort zone in order to meet people? This is where Essential #2 leads to Essential #3.

Essential #3 - Follow Through and Support

You need at least 1-3 people yo

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This is going to be a slightly different episode today. Usually most of the episodes are geared toward people with disabilities and providing dating advice and strategies. Today, I want to turn the attention to professionals who work in disability services, whether you’re a special educator, program coordinator, direct service provider, or executive director. My mission and the mission of my company, Radiant Abilities, is to “move the needle” as I call it so that people with disabilities are more readily seen as dating and relationship partners.

In order to do this, I believe the work in changing the dating scene is not only up to people with disabilities but also the professionals within the field. For years, as I built my business, I worked myself in the disability field in various positions ranging from program coordinator of direct service to Medicaid service coordinator to community integration counselor. I have to say, I would very infrequently see services and goals include dating and relationships, even though that was one of the most meaningful goals for many people I have worked with.

I think the main reason this is not addressed as much as it should be is that professionals themselves aren’t sure how to go about assisting someone with solving the dating and relationships puzzle. Last year we here at Radiant Abilities undertook the tasks of interviewing over 100 professionals in disability services throughout the United States.

Here’s some highlights of what we learned:

• 87% of professionals interviewed rank dating and relationships with PWDs as important all the time or important when it comes up.  
• 93% who are concerned about social issues rank it either important all the time or important when it comes up. 
• A third of professionals identified dating as one of biggest challenges 
• Aside from the above statistic, professionals report that resources for dating and relationships are not working 75% of the time.

The Solution 

We’re launching at the end of January, the Supporting Dating and Relationships membership for professionals. Last week we announced a membership for individuals, with and without disabilities, to teach dating and relationship skills. We are also launching a membership for professionals in teaching and supporting professionals in how to effectively address and foster these skills in the people they work with.

A Look Inside

For professionals who join the membership, which is a monthly membership in which every month you get new resources and ongoing support, you get our complete curriculum on supporting dating and relationship skills for people with disabilities. The curriculum includes 16 video lessons, accompanying worksheets, discussion guides, and other resources. You get instant access to that as soon as y

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

We're going to make dating easier in 2023!  Coming in late January, Dating Made Easier, a monthly membership that will teach you dating and relationship skills that will transform you and your dating journey in the following areas:

Increase Dating Self  Esteem  - Learn how to identify your unique Power to Attract the dating experiences and relationships you want.

Grow Your Confidence - Develop confidence and achieve your specific dating and relationship goals.

Learn Skills to Keep Relationships - Gain the skills in communication, problem solving, and being authentic in relationships. 

Here's what you get with the Dating Made Easier Membership:

• Workshop of the Month - 30-40 minute live presentation on a dating and relationship skill or issue.
• Group brainstorming session to address questions people are having about specific dating and relationship challenges. 
• Additional resource guide of the month released with a live video tutorial to accompany it. 
• Networking meeting for group members to get to know one another and work on communication skills. 
• Bonus Week 5 of the  Month - Group members will vote for their preference at the beginning of the month for an additional workshop, brainstorming session, or networking meeting.

Additional Features:

• “Ask Alexa  (and Kathy)” - members can email or through the site us direct questions
• Facebook group - this is only for members to social share with each other
• All workshops, brainstorming sessions, and video tutorials will be recorded and added into a video library on the site.

Cost:  $29/month or $290/annually

Premium Features: For $179/month, members get all the above issues and two individual, 45 minute consulting a month.

FAQs:

• Workshops and all meetings are in a group format. They are offered live to maximize interaction and answer specific questions. Everything is recorded for on demand viewing.
• There's an option to purchase a premium membership and receive one-on-one coaching.
• Results are based on you and that’s great news because you’re the only one that can get out there and meet the person you’ve been longing to meet. We can certainly help give you the skills and support to make that EASIER and to help you feel less alone in the journey.
• You can cancel the membership at any time before the 25th of each month for the following month.

The membership will be run by myself and my colleague, Alexa Strickland. 

Kathy has 25 years of experience working as a mental health counselor on dating and relationships skills. She created the Dating and Healthy Relationships curriculum, an online course and hosts the weekly podcast on dating. Kathy transformed from a struggling single to happily married.

 Alexa is a counselor and trainer in dating

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

There are a lot of hard parts of dating - having the courage to put yourself out there, facing the possibility of rejection, getting hurt, having difficult conversations, and the list can go on and on. Sometimes it certainly may not feel worth it, but it is, especially if you want to share your life with someone.

Today I want to talk about a dating difficulty that wasn’t on that brief list - putting yourself out there and receiving no response at all. It’s a rejection but not a direct one. It can sometimes feel worse than a direct one because you think, What, I’m not even worthy of a response?

This is a very common problem for all people dating. Many people don’t have the skills to communicate hard things like “Thank you so much for the offer, but I have other plans or I’m not interested.” We think we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but downright ignoring someone’s interest in you is not exactly kind either

How To Handle No Response

As I see it, there are basically two ways to respond to no response. You can obviously do nothing about it. Let it go. Write it off. Move on. The key in all this is to not internalize it as rejection. You have no concrete reason why they didn’t respond so don’t make it something negative about you. If they don’t have effective communication skills, that’s on them, not you. Don’t use no response against yourself.

Remind yourself it’s their loss. Congratulate yourself that it was terrific that you put yourself out there and took a risk. Also remember as with most things in life, the more you get a no, the closer you get to a yes.

The alternative to not saying anything to someone not responding to you at all is, of course, to say something. Circle back. Say, “Hey, I mentioned us doing XYZ and never heard from you. Could you tell me what’s going on?”

Yes, this is a more bold option. But if it’s calling to you to not ignore a no response, then go for it. I would just recommend doing it in a more matter of fact way and not an emotional way. If you do react emotionally rather than try to have a conversation, you may prove to the person why they didn’t respond to your invite. Also with this option, don’t internalize what the other person says. Remember, there’s another way of looking at rejection. Rejection is simply someone else’s preference. It’s not about you, who you are, or what you’re about.

Where Do We Go From Here?

It’s not fun to work up the courage to reach out to someone and express interest, only to receive no response or follow up. But what else are you going to do? You have to put yourself out there if you have that dream in your heart about finding your person. Putting yourself out there is how you do that.

Keep doing it. Keep showing up for yourself, not them. If you don’t get a response to asking someone out, decide if you’re g

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate