Dating, Relationships, and Disability

We're talking about the effects of ableism on intimate relationships. We're talking with my colleague at Radiant Abilities, Alexa Strickland. Alexa is a Mental Health Counselor and Trainer who has researched ableism, sexuality, and intimate relationships.

In Alexa's research, The Effects of Ableism on People With Disabilities in Intimate Relationships,  the premise was “the purpose of this study is to examine the effects of ableism on PWDs in intimate relationships using the Ableism and Relationships survey to assess experiences of ableism in dating and relationships and how these experiences may affect their self-esteem and confidence, sense of sexuality, and their ability to form intimate relationships.” Alexa does a great job breaking down what this means.

She also discusses both the type/severity of a disability can influence attitudes towards PWDs in intimate relationships.

We talk about the challenges participants experienced in dating/relationships such as rejection, receiving hurtful/discriminatory comments about their disability, and perceived as asexual/unattractive.

Alexa shares a sampling of the answers to these questions:

What challenges have you experienced in dating or relationships? 

Do you feel like this challenge(s) makes it difficult to form intimate or meaningful relationships with others? 

She wraps up by talking about the three biggest takeaways you had from the research.

As with most of my guests, we chat about the particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships, as well as societal changes needed to see people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.

Alexa also shares the most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

Lastly, she mentions the two new groups she's beginning on Acceptance, Disability, and Relationships and Managing Anxiety.  Open to NYS residents. Contact Alexa for more details.

Resources 

Free download - Rising Above Sexual Ableism. Use this download as a resource for strengthening your skills live the life you want and have the relationships you want.

Credits
Music by Successful Motivation
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I want to give you a little context because I realize I often refer to “when I was single,” when talking about when I was on the path of trying to date with a disability. I did not meet my husband until just before I turned 39 and we were married two years later. I consider adulthood beginning at 18, so I was single and trying to date successfully for a good 20 years. Twenty years. That’s a long time. Trust me, it felt long in the midst of it.

In those 20 years, I had a lot of lonely nights. To me, lonely nights are twofold. There’s the lonely of 8pm on a Saturday night and then there’s the lonely of 3am. I’m sure you know what I mean. The 8pm lonely might have thoughts of “Everyone’s out on a date or cuddling with their sweetheart but me.” It feels lonely and it sucks.

Then the 3am lonely feels more like a panic. “Will I ever meet someone? Will anyone find me attractive?” And then it can spiral out of control. You begin to think, “Will I die alone?” Or at least, I did.

I wanted to let you know that whether it’s 8pm or 3am, you’re not alone with these thoughts.\

And it will be okay.

I think back now on my life and how those nights terrified me at the time. For a while, I had them so frequently, it left me sleep deprived.

And life ended up working out for me. Nowadays my sleep is mainly disturbed by my son or dog waking me up.

The Remedy 
The best advice I can give you for these lonely nights is to begin by acknowledging YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Many other single people are having lonely nights too. We just don’t talk about it that much.

Then develop a plan for yourself of how you’re going to address the problem of the lonely nights. Are you going to begin going somewhere, maybe join a group to meet people, get on a dating site? What are you going to do that is within your control to meet people? When we’re experiencing a negative emotion, such as loneliness, we want to honor and acknowledge that feeling, but we also want to take action toward the problem. This will help you from feeling like the problem is completely outside your control.

Here are some concrete tips for that 8pm loneliness:

• Plan something for yourself ahead of time if you know you have plans. Maybe pick out a movie or show you’ve been wanting to see. Call a friend and get together. Or plan to dive into your hobby at that time.
• Pamper yourself at that time. Do a spa night. Be good to yourself, as long as it’s not eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a package of Oreos.
• Join a group, either online or in person, so you don’t feel alone.

Now, for the 3am loneliness:

• Love yourself. If you’re having panicky thoughts about your life, your body and mind need love. Acknowledge three things you love about yourself.
• Reassure yourself that these are just thoughts in your beautiful he

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I want to thank the listeners who have already volunteered for the research interviews my colleague, Alexa, and I are doing. We have gotten such amazing insights and information already. If you would be willing to give us 30 minutes to interview you for some research, and yes, you can be sure it will include dating and relationships, sign up here for Kathy and here for Alexa.

Now, I have a question for you, as I usually do. Do you have a dating tool bag? Are you saying, Kathy, what the heck is a dating tool bag? Well, if you’ve been listening for a bit, you know something I say a lot about dating with a disability is that it’s hard, but totally possible, meaning you can figure it out. However, like a lot of puzzles in life, it may take time and TOOLS to figure it out. I have some suggestions based on what worked in my life and what is helpful for the people I help with dating and relationships.

A Dating Plan
First, you need to have a plan for approaching dating. I encourage you to come up with three positive messages you can tell yourself about dating, two encouraging beliefs you can develop about dating, and then decide on one action you’re going to take to put yourself out there to date, such as get on a dating app or go to a particular event. I call this the 3, 2, 1 plan. 

The Dating Profile and Disclosure
Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships. If you are dating with a disability, you need to learn ways to disclose it in your dating profile. The How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability Guide may help.

Your Support System
Use this guide sheet to help you identify not just people but books, activities, and resources to help you in your dating and relationship journey.

Talking About Your Disability
This is NOT the same as disclosure of your disability. Once you disclose your disability, you need ways to talk about it  in a healthy, empowering ways. Check out the Bringing Disability Into Relationships Guide.

Being Able To Have Tough Conversations
Having Difficult Conversations Guide can help you figure out what to say for those difficult, but important conversations.

Coaching
This is a service I offer in my business, Dating and Rel

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I often get messages on social media like this: I’m looking for a disabled woman who wants marriage. Do you know of any honest matchmakers?

While my heart goes out to people who have the vulnerability to ask this, I also cringe when I get asked this because I suspect that when someone asks about matchmaking, they are doubting their own ability to attract someone to themselves.

Now, before you say, wait a minute, matchmaking works for a lot of people, let me say I know and I agree. My own parents were set up on a blind date and happily married for 65 years. I am not saying matchmaking doesn’t work. 

What I am saying is it should not be your “go to” strategy for dating success. I believe a crucial part of making dating work for you is developing this sense of ownership that you are in control of your dating destiny. I think when people don’t feel this, they can feel on some level like a victim because they're depending on others to find them “someone.”

I know that’s a strong statement to make and I truly don’t say it to be critical. I just want you to consider if you’re out there dating or wanting to date, are you depending on someone else to find your person because you don’t believe you have that ability within yourself? Or perhaps you have been disappointed so many times, you have given up on being able to find someone on your own?

I truly get the frustration and wanting help. I encourage you to ask for help. In fact, I always tell people if you’re dating, let everyone in your life know so they can keep an eye out for a potential someone for you. But this is vastly different from solely relying on others to “hook you up” so to speak.

If you want to use matchmaking to meet someone, use it as one of your tools in your dating tool bag. We’ll be talking about that next week. Don’t put the power in one person or site or organization to find you what you want most in this world.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Cultivate your Power to Attract. The message I shared at the beginning of this episode was from someone who said “normal women don’t like disabled men for partners.” Therefore, he wanted a matchmaker who would match him with a disabled woman. Again, nothing wrong with preferring to date disabled people, except when you’re doing it because you believe nondisabled people won’t give you the time of day.

Cultivating your Power to Attract is about owning that belief in yourself that you are attractive (whether physically, emotionally, intellectually, or all of the above), even in face of rejection and disappointment, because it’s something that belongs within you. It doesn’t come from outside or from others. It’s about recognizing and nurturing the qualities within you that draw others to you. 

I would love to see you become your own best matchmaker. I

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Click this link to schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedule at a time that’s convenient for you.

One of my biggest goals is to “move the needle on people with disabilities being seen as dating and relationship partners.” What I mean by that is I want to help not only people with disabilities see and own their worth, ability to attract, and what they offer to relationships, but I want society to see that more as well.

If you know my story, you know why I’m so passionate about this. And if you don’t know my story, here’s the abridged version. I grew up having no models or guidance on how to date with a disability. 

No one talked to me about how to value myself in the dating world with a very obvious difference that cause others to judge me and immediately rule me out as potential dating material. 

Then came along a particular first date. In one moment, I was faced with giving up or taking a huge risk and acknowledging my value as a potential partner to my date. I chose the latter and my life changed. Listen to episode 1, I’m Just So Uncomfortable, for more details.

Now I live the life I dreamt about for so many years. I want the same for you.

Ah, but dating is hard, isn’t it? Especially in a world where we can so easily swipe left to not even give someone a chance.

And exactly how do you go about dating if you don’t have experience? If people won’t give you the chance?

Do you tell people up front about your disability or wait until you get to know them? What if your disability is so apparent that that isn’t an option for you?

Lots of questions. Lots to figure out.

IT CAN BE FIGURED OUT. Everything is Figureoutable. Check out one of my favorite books on this.

I’m here, as well as the company I run, Radiant Abilities, to help you figure dating out for yourself.

But first, I need to talk to you. Yes you, out there listening. I want to talk with you, meaning on zoom, in a one to one call.

We’re looking to talk to you about your dating experience, what has worked, what hasn’t worked, and most of all, what would be helpful to you in feeling more successful in dating.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Click this link to schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedul

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Sometimes our own beliefs can be the biggest stumbling blocks to our dating and relationship success. Sometimes we just need to get out of our heads.

My friend, Patrick McMullan, is back talking about his experience dating as a man with Cerebral Palsy. Patrick talks about how he did NOT tell his wife about his disability before their first date and why he chose not to tell her.

He talks about how he learned to get out of his head and negative beliefs about himself in order to find dating and relationship success. Soon after he got out of his head and realized he just needed to be himself, he met his wife of 25 years.

Patrick is also a father of four. His oldest children are twins. We talk about parenting with a disability, juggling the demands of a busy family life, and the secret to a happy marriage.

Before signing off, Patrick shares some wise advice about showing up in the world as a person with a disability to really live the life you want. And most of all, why you need to share yourself with the world.

Resources 

Free download - 8 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

Credits
Music by Successful Motivation
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I've been wanting for a while to do a podcast from the male perspective of someone dating with a disability. Today I have another special guest, a friend of mine for over 30 years, Patrick McMullen.  Patrick and I first met as college freshman. Both of us have CP, but until then, knew very few other peers with disabilities.

We talk about how growing up as one of five kids allowed him to be  naturally included in activities. However, because of the CP, Patrick struggled with being different and what he thought people thought of him.

Patrick has enjoyed a successful career as a banker, has been married 25 years, and has four beautiful children. We talk about his personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities.

Since Patrick's been married quite a while, we talk about the concept of bringing a disability into a relationship so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship. 

Resources

Download - 5 Success Beliefs for Dating

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Whitney Bailey is on a mission to educate society while advocating for the needs of the disabled community and motivating others to maximize their potential.

Whitney was born with cerebral palsy. She is a podcast host of Spastic Chatter, a platform meant to feature those in the cerebral palsy community. She gets together with individuals who have CP to have an uncensored chat about what it’s like having this type of disability.

Whitney is also the Director of Operations for Diversability, a social enterprise with almost 70k following across all social channels focused on elevating disability pride through disability community, visibility, and engaged allyship.

In this episode, Whitney and I chat about:

• Why she began her podcast on Cerebral Palsy, Spastic Chatter.
• Her background or personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities.
• The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships?
• Her initial resistance to dating her boyfriend because of his disability.
• How she thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
• Her most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.
• And her role in the organization Diversability.

Resources
The Spastic Chatter Podcast

Diversability

Whitney's website

Whitney on Instagram

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we're continuing our conversation with  Shirley Paceley, author of SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities.  See last week's episode for the first part of our conversation.

One of my favorite parts of the book is a project Shirley shares about the Dare to Dream project. I feel strongly we need to do much more with people with disabilities to encourage them to go after their dreams and even take risks. I talk to Shirley about what were the key learnings she took away from the Dare to Dream project.

We also talk about:

• The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships.
• How society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
• Helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

Resources
SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities

Shirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.

Contact Information:

Shirley Paceley - [email protected]

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I'm reading a great book, SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley. 

Shirley Paceley has worked with people with disabilities for 48 years and has a master’s degree in clinical psychology.   Shirley is a published author, international trainer, counselor, consultant, advocate, and visionary.  Shirley has co-created a multitude of resources for self-advocates, disability providers, educators, counselors, victim advocates, criminal justice professionals, and others. 

Shirley has dedicated her life to empower people with disabilities to be free, safe, and live meaningful lives. Shirley received the 2021 Professional Impact Award Fromm End Violence Against Women International.  

In this first of a two part interview, we chat about:

•  What made her want to write this book
• Where within her came her ability to naturally get that disability is just another form of diversity. 
• How she has seen advocacy for people with disabilities transform over the recent years
• What's happening on the legislative side of sexual health for people with disabilities
• And after working with hundreds of sexual assault survivors with disabilities, what would she say to someone who has suffered sexual assault.

Resources
SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities

Shirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.

Contact Information:

Shirley Paceley - [email protected]

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate