Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Everyone I interview for this podcast is special, but I have to admit today's guest might be the most special. Today, we're talking my husband, Scott, about what it's like to have a partner with a disability.

We also talk about:

•  His version of our first date and  that memorable evening?
• We’re coming up on the fifteenth anniversary of our first date. Scott talks about what he has learned in 15 years of having a partner with a disability.
• What are challenges he continues to experience.
• How he is affected by my increasing physical challenges as I get older.
• How he thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
• Advice he would give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.
• And advice  for people without disabilities who may become partners.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Download the Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide in the show notes to help you in getting clear and feeling empowered about your disability in relationships.

Resources

• Free download - Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. In this episode we’re going to over what you need to consider when breaking up with someone so that it’s done in a thoughtful and even loving way and not filled with drama.

Check In With Yourself

Listen to what you’re feeling and respect them. If something doesn’t feel right, trust that and communicate about it. Ask yourself the following questions:

•  “Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?”
• Am I happy in this relationship?
• Am I being treated the way I want to?
• Am I being spoken to the way I want to be?
• Is there anything I’m uncomfortable with?
• Do we have the same values?
• Are we on the same page in our relationship?
• Do we have support as a couple?
• Am I growing as a person?
• What else?

Examine the “Health” of a Relationship

Have the courage to speak up and say if something doesn’t feel right. Use “I statements” and speak from your power.Say what you need, knowing they may not be able to give it to you.

The reality of any relationship is that a person may not be able to give you what you need. Like rejection, this is not necessarily a reflection of you, but more of where they are at. It’s then up to you to decide on what you want to do in the relationship. Do you want to try to work through it or is it a sign that it’s not the right relationship for you? 

The questions you should ask yourself are also great questions to ask your  partner as a way of making sure you're on the same page about your relationship and the direction it is heading.

Knowing When to Leave

• When there’s any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental. Leave at the first sign.
• When you’re generally unhappy in the relationship.
• When you don’t feel respected or treated well.
• When you are not on the same page with your partner about your relationship.

Make sure you’re as happy and fulfilled in a relationship as you are NOT in one.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. Follow the steps we just went through if you find you’re unsure if you’re with the right person.
• Download the resource guide Having Difficult Conversations to help you.

Resources 

• Free download - Having Difficult Conversations

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Credits
Music by: htt

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

In any podcast about dating, at some point we need to talk about rejection. It’s a natural part of the dating process. Most of us endure rejection at some point. Rejection hurts and quite honestly, sucks. That said, the problem with rejection is we make it mean something negative about ourselves. What if we didn’t take rejection personally? Yes, I did just suggest you don’t take rejection to be about you. Hang on with me over the next few moments as I give you a different way of looking at rejection.

Don’t Let Rejection Stop You 

• Many people don’t date because they’re afraid of rejection. While this is understandable and trust me, I did this myself while I was single, it won’t ever get you the results you want. 
• I know someone who has never fully gotten over being rejected. Her boyfriend broke up with her 25 years ago and she has never dated again because she doesn’t want to experience that pain again. But what has happened is she has lived with the daily pain of being alone when she deeply wants to share her life with someone.
• Sometimes we have to go through intense pain in order to get the bigger result we’re looking for.
• I want to give you two ways of looking at rejection that may be helpful in better coping with it.

Preference and Feedback

• Rejection is simply someone Indicating a preference, meaning the other person wants someone other than you. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” about you. It means they want someone or something else.
• Maybe you can even grow from the feedback you get when someone doesn't want to date you?
• It may be cliche but often cliches speak the truth. Someone rejecting you really does clear the way for the right person to come into your life. Once I met my husband, I realized why no other relationship worked out - I would have never met him if they did.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Work on not taking rejection personally. It may feel like it’s about you, but it’s not. Don’t let it define you and certainly don’t let any no mean you can’t have what you want most. See rejection as simply another person’s preference and setting you on the path you need to be on.
• This week’s resource is on Who is Your Support System because rejection can be painful to deal with. You need to reach out for support. Get love and encouragement from others in your life.

Resources 

• Free download - Who is Your Support System?

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

One of the most common questions people ask when wanting to date is how do I meet people. I certainly wondered about this when I was single. Most of my friends were married and by the time I was in my 30s, I really didn’t want to hang out in a bar. So how do you meet people? I have some ideas. As with much of what I recommend, it involves strategies and you’ll need to actually do it.

Familiarity

• Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you.This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.
• Take a new look at the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

Try New Places

• The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.
• Get outside of your comfort zone. Try new places, events, and activities. 
• You never know what will come of it.

Online Dating

• Online dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people.
• Do what feels right for you. 
• Always make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person.
• If you decide to try online dating, what are 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join. 
• It may be good to stay with a site at last three months before switching.
• Putting thought, time, and energy into these details to reflect who you are will likely increase the chances for success,

The Dating Profile

• I have talked about doing a dating profile before in Episode 12. A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this.
• Even if you’re not doing online dating, you should have a dating profile.
• It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. 
• Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies.
• See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.

Here’s some potential things you can include in a dating profile:

• What do you want people to know about you?
• \What are you looking for in a relationship?
• What kind of person do you want to date?
• Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. 
• While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I recently heard the wisdom of “Attract, Don’t Chase” while listening to a business podcast. They were naturally talking about business opportunities but I think that is real sage advice for dating and relationships. Today’s episode will be short but very effective if you begin to practice it.

Chasing Does Not Attract

This is on a very small level, but for those of you on social media, have you encountered someone who sees you like their post or comment, reaches out to you to try to connect, and you sense they have an agenda? That’s chasing and for me, there’s always feels like there’s a desperate energy to it. It doesn’t draw you, ie, attract you to the other person.

I understand people are lonely and really want to connect but I believe that ultimately you connect more with people by pulling your energy inward to what you want in a relationship and what kind of person you want to be with.

The Power to Attract 

Check out Episode 10 on How to Cultivate the Power to Attract. Focusing on what you draw to you, rather than pursuing someone, or maybe even trying to put your agenda on them, helps you to stay with yourself and your sense of confidence and power. When we are in attract mode, that tends to naturally increase our self esteem and confidence because we’re placing our energy on what we have to offer, rather than getting something. Think about how you have felt chasing someone or something. Yes, there can be a bit of a thrill in the challenge but it can also not feel encouraging or self affirming.

How to Put Attracting Into Practice 

I want you to begin practicing attracting by noticing where you’re chasing in dating and relationships. Then ask yourself why are you chasing that particular person. What are you hoping to get from them? A certain feeling? Validation of some kind? Maybe you’re looking for feelings of loneliness to go away? 

Be real honest with yourself. Then ask how can you focus on attracting in your life the very thing you’re looking outside you for.

Then work on identifying what within you, what qualities within you, can draw the very thing you desire.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Download the Relationship Vision guide in the show notes. It’s a very powerful exercise in helping you identify what you want to attract into your life and helping you to focus on that. The guide has you think about all the qualities in someone else that you want to attract into your life. You get them all down and then, this is where the magic happens, you begin saying the list you created every day until it’s ingrained into your thinking. Once this happens, you go automatically into attract mode versus chasing. I can tell you from personal experience, this exercise helped me to fo

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we’re talking about the last strategy in our mini series on the four strategies for dating successfully with a disability. While all the strategies are critical, this is probably the most important one to do. Take action. Do something. Put yourself out there. Otherwise, how are you going to be successful dating?

Over my career, both as a mental health counselor and as a teacher and trainer in dating and relationships, I have encountered countless people who so desperately want to date but do nothing. And if this is you, I have immense compassion for you, even as I’m giving you some tough love, because I was like you for so many years. I wanted more than anything to meet someone and fall in love but I was just too afraid to do anything. I wasted so many years in fear. Don’t do that. 

What’s Your Framework for Getting What You Want?

Take what you learned in this miniseries and actually put it into action to create what you want in your life. If you haven’t heard the who series, go back and begin listening to Episode 24. Don't just consume, apply it to your life! This is a framework for you to develop a personal plan for yourself on how will take steps to meet people, date, and develop happy relationships.

How Do I Meet Someone?

I’ll do a separate episode on strategies for this but here’s a preview. Address the classic question of “How do I meet people?” Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you. This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.

Take a look at new places. At the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.

Be willing to get out of your comfort zone

Think about what feels right for you, but be willing to get out of your comfort zone, try something new, and take risks that challenge you to grow and reach further toward your dreams.

Affirmations

What are three affirmations you're going to adopt from this guide or ones that you create to help increase your dating confidence?

Bold and Positive Communication

What are three ways you're going to begin to boldly and positively communicate with dates about your disability? 

Where Do We Go From Here?
Have you have included all of the above in your personal plan for dating? Then, congratulations! Fantastic work! You should feel very good about yourself for taking this workshop and doing this wo

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we’re talking about strategy #3 in our four part series on four strategies for dating successfully with a disability. Strategy 3 is about looking at how you communicate about your disability. And I’m not just talking about disclosing your disability. Check out episode 12 for that. 

Today I want to discuss how do you talk about your disability in general. Is it positive? Affirming? How do you feel when you talk about your disability?

This is an important indicator for potential dates. I remember one of the first dates I went on as a young teenager was with another person with Cerebral Palsy. My biggest takeaway from that date was not liking how much he seemed to focus on what he could not do. Even before I was able to understand how we all put out a certain kind of energy, I knew I didn’t want to around that energy. When I came home and my mom asked how the date was, I told her definitely that I would not be going on another date with that person.

What’s Your Communication Strategy?

Do you have a communication strategy for talking about your disability? It’s important to have one. Here’s mine. Sometimes I’ll have people ask me what’s wrong with me. I always reframe this right away because there’s not a thing wrong with me. Well, my husband and son my disagree with me on that, but you know what I mean. The fact that my physical body has Cerebral Palsy does not indicate anything wrong. It’s merely a condition of my body. Me reframing that for people is a communication strategy of mine.

I always recommend talking about your disability in the most natural way. Brainstorm some conversation topics about your life and what interests you. These topics will come in handy as you have initial conversations with potential dates and while on initial dates. 

Some topics can include family, friends, hobbies, work, and recreational interests. 

Think about how you can include your disability in a natural way into the conversation.

Putting It Into Practice

• An example is past stories of how your family and friends support you as a person with a disability. 
• Are there perhaps funny stories of how people in you life figured out how to make an impromptu accommodation for you or advocated for you? 
• It’s important that you share what you're comfortable with.
• Develop your own strategy for figuring out when it feels right for you to talk on the phone and/or meet in person. 
• How do you want someone to have the "full effect" of you?
• If, after a couple of exchanges, someone doesn’t bring up your disability, begin to talk about it. 
• Don't ignore the elephant in the room.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Brainstorm positive ways you can bring your disability into the conv

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

We’re back for strategy #2 in our mini series on the Four Strategies to Dating Successfully with a Disability.  How do you describe yourself to potential dates? Do you sound like someone a person would like to get to know?  Are you thinking “Ummm….I’m not sure?”  Well, then we need to talk about that because how you describe yourself is SOOOO important.

My friend, it actually begins with the dating profile. Now, I already did a show on the dating profile in episode #12. Go back and listen to it again. It’s a short one. Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. Writing a profile helps YOU get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships.

Practice 

• Do the work! You may dread writing a dating profile. Do it anyway. Take time to really think about how you present yourself. This is not about pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about pulling out ALL THAT YOU ARE and showing potential dates (as well as yourself) that.
• This week the free resource that goes with the show is called How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile. The “kick butt” part of it is that if you follow the guide, you’ll write a positive, true reflection of who you are. By writing this, you’ll feel more confident in presenting yourself to dates.
• There are many questions in the Kick Butt Dating Guide. Really take time to marinate on how you answer these questions.

The Result 

The result of looking at how you describe yourself is that you will feel more clear and confident about how you’re describing yourself to others. This will naturally increase your confidence level for dating and relationships. So much of the work involved in being successful in dating and relationships is about how you view yourself and how you project that into the world. It helps so much to be conscious of the language you use to describe yourself.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• I have homework for you. If you’re listening to this podcast, you probably want to make changes in your life via more successful dating and attracting healthy, happy relationships.
• I said it earlier. You got to do the internal work that turns you into the partner you want to be that draws that amazing love into your life.
• If you don’t have it, download The Dating Profile guide in the show notes and actually do it! Go through the prompts to help you in either writing or rewriting your dating profile.
• When you’re done, notice how you feel differently about how you

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

We’re beginning a mini-series over the next few weeks, based on my workshop, Four Strategies to Dating Successfully with a Disability. Each week I’ll give you bit size tips for how to tackle each strategy. The strategies are:

• Increasing “dating confidence”
• Writing a kick butt dating profile - even if you’re not doing online dating
• Communicating effectively with a date about your disability
• Developing a personal plan for how to TAKE THE RIGHT ACTION for dating success

These strategies will help you with these results:

• Building self esteem specific to dating
• Creating clarity and empowerment
• Communicating with confidence
• Taking consistent action toward what you want

The Key to Making it Work 

• You actually need to do each of the four strategies, even if you’re scared! Look I know dating with a disability is tough. I spent much of my single life avoiding it because I didn’t want to deal with the pain. And if I’m really honest, I thought I wouldn’t be able to to handle the pain. But guess what? I was and so are you because if we stop resisting the pain and open up to it, we learn the pain will not destroy us but strengthen us.
• So make a promise to yourself, right here, right now, to do each of these strategies and trust yourself that you can handle whatever feelings come up for you. 
• Every episode in this mini series will have a guide that corresponds with each strategy. Download the guides and use them.

Strategy 1 - Positive Beliefs About Yourself

• Developing healthy, positive core beliefs about yourself builds a solid foundation that leads to successful dating and relationships.
• A core belief is a thought you have about yourself that shapes most of your words, actions, thoughts, and feelings.
• Positive core beliefs results in increased confidence, healthier relationships, and more general success. I am beginning here because people who feel good about themselves are much more prone to dating success and healthy relationships.
• When we think well of ourselves, we tend to draw others who will do the same.
• Whatever we believe (positive or negative) strengthens. For example, if you believe you’re “undateable,” that will be most likely what you experience - not dating and/or having relationships that are not fulfilling or happy.
• And on the other hand, if you have positive beliefs, you will draw that into your life.
• I am a person of great worth.
• My disability adds to my value as a person.
• I have much to offer someone and bring to a relationship.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Download the free resource
• Do this - pick 3 statements from the download or come up with three positive statements about yourself and notice the changes in what you feel and think about in the next 30 d

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Bryony Grealish is a food influencer, speaker, trainer, No Thumbs Chef Challenge show host, and is the owner of The Fingerless Kitchen, LLC. A Syracuse native, Brie is a wife and mom to two vibrant, sweet boys. 

She was born with a rare genetic condition called Ectrodactyly. Bryony uses her disability as a tool for change, showing the world that you don’t need thumbs to cook. The Fingerless Kitchen is changing perspectives and beliefs on what you thought was possible!

The goal is to inspire people with disabilities to learn how to cook. Bryony is taking her passion for cooking and creative problem solving to the screen. She wants to show everyone that our limitations are opportunities to do something different and unique, encouraging people with disabilities to find courage in their kitchens and turn their skills and dreams into a business.

Brie is a WISE Women’s Business Center board member in Syracuse, NY. In addition, she has been featured in an impressive array of local publications and shows. Including a television interview with WCNY Move to Include Initiative, a Cover story for the Syracuse Women Magazine, Syracuse’s Bridge Street morning talk show, CBS News 5, Street Talk on 93Q, and more.

Brie and I discuss:

• Her work in the disability field
• Her personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities
• How she and her husband brought her disability into a relationship so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship
• Some issues that emerged in parenting as a result of her disability
• The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships
• How society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners
• Advice for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships

Resources

• Bryony’s website The Fingerless Kitchen
• Bryony’s awesome Instagram feed

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate