Dating, Relationships, and Disability

I recently was working with someone on his mindset around dating. He was saying how he had difficulty seeing what he had to offer in a relationship, although he would desperately like to have one. He went on to talk about how he doesn’t have a job, how he doesn’t drive, how he hasn’t dated in a long time, and the list went on.

When he got done, I asked “How much time do you spend thinking about what you DO have to offer?” He opened his mouth to say something and then laughed. “I never thought about it that way,” he admitted.

Today we’re going to talk about managing your mind for better outcomes for dating.

Where’s Your Focus?

• If you want to date but your thoughts are filled with what’s “wrong” with you, you won’t get far. We often think our feelings cause our thoughts when in reality, the opposite is true. Our thoughts cause our feelings.
• So if we’re thinking about all our flaws and what we lack, we’re not going to feel too good about ourselves. We’re certainly not going to feel like we’re “date worthy” material.
• We tend to set ourselves up for failure by what we think.

How to Manage Your Mind 

• The most effective way to produce more desired results in your life is learn how to manage your mind. Here’s what I mean by that - first, you become aware of your thoughts and then begin catching yourself when you have a negative thought. You then redirect your focus to a thought that is going to better serve you.
• How this looks in action is you may have a thought that you don’t work and therefore, you don’t have a lot to offer in terms of finances. You realize this thought doesn’t make you feel good and you ask yourself, what can I offer? Maybe it’s a friendly personality, maybe you’re a great cook, or really know how to treat someone well. You then redirect your mind, almost like it’s a little kid, to focus on those thoughts in place of the negative ones.
• This is how we manage our thoughts, aka, our minds. This is the most effective strategy I used to find dating and relationship success in my life.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Where is your attention when it comes to dating and relationships? Are your thoughts blocking your success or creating it? Are you managing your thoughts to love on yourself or tear yourself down?
• Your mind is the most powerful tool you own. Use it to put your focus and mental energy on what will increase your self esteem and confidence in dating.
• Download the free resource in the show notes, 10 Affirmations for Dating Confidently with a Disability. The download not only gives you the affirmations, but tells you why they work. It will help retrain your mind to focus on the positive, rather than the negative.

Resources

• Free download

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today, I'm interviewing Katherine McLaughlin, CEO and Lead Trainer of Elevatus Training.

Katherine is certified as a sexuality educator by AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) and is the Founder of Disability Workshops, now Elevatus Training. She is the author of Sexuality Education for People with Developmental Disabilities Curriculum and also develops educational materials for others to use in teaching and communicating.

As national leaders in the field of sexuality and intellectual, developmental disabilities and autism we offer evidence and trauma informed curriculum, online training, in-services and workshops to help professionals, educators, self-advocates and parents skillfully and confidently navigate the topic of sexuality.

In today's conversation, we discuss:

• How her work in sexuality education for people with disabilities has evolved over the years
• Advocating for legislation for sexuality education for people with disabilities
• The curriculum Elevatus Training uses for sexuality education for people with disabilities
• The challenges of people with disabilities in dating
• The continuing beliefs and attitudes in society that lead to misperceptions about sexuality and people with disabilities 
• Katherine's own journey with her disability as a wife and mother 
• Advice Katherine has for people with disabilities in dating and relationships

Resources

• Elevatus Training

Be sure to leave us a review and tell us what you think.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Success in dating and relationships require support from people outside the relationship. This can be particularly true for people with disabilities. Because, let’s face it, dating in general is hard and dating with a disability can often be much harder, but very possible.  We just need support along the way. Today we’ll discuss how to identify support and effectively use it.

Why Having a Support System is So Helpful

• If you’re single, you need people to encourage you, listen to you, give you advice. 
• If you’re in a relationship, a mutual desire to nurture friendships, both as a couple and individually, is good for the overall health of a relationship. 
• “It takes a village to raise a healthy relationship.” We need feedback and experiences with others to grow a relationship.  
• As you grow support as a couple, this nurtures your relationship.

How to Identify Supports 

• Find support - go to trusted friends, family members, or even professionals to help you recognize all the positives within you.
• It is important for you to begin to recognize the positive qualities within yourself and working with a mental health professional can be effective in learning this.
• Use these people to talk about what you’re feeling, questions you have, and challenges you’re facing.
• Turn to people you trust for support, not so they tell you what to do or shape your opinions, but they give you good, honest, loving feedback.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Teamwork and problem-solving - a good relationship is not about having few problems, but how well we can work through the problems that naturally arise and how well we reach out for support.
• Sometimes as a single person or a couple, you may need help from others.
• Who is your support system for dating and relationships?

Resources

• Free download - Who’s Your Support System guide 

Be sure to leave us a review and tell us what you think.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I have such a treat for you today. If you’re listening to this episode close to when this episode is published, Happy Valentine’s Day! I know that Valentine’s Day can be a challenge for some of you who are out there dating so I wanted to offer you some inspiration today in the form of a happy, grounded couple.

I’m interviewing Jessica Kramer and Seth Dikeman. Jessica is an Access Specialist at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Seth is a musician and a music instructor.

I met Jessica, who was a disability studies graduate student at the time, about five years ago at a World CP Day event. We clicked and began occasionally meeting for coffee and Jessica, who also has cerebral palsy, wrote some blogs for my website which are linked up in the show notes.

As a thank you for her blogs, I gave her access to my online course, Dating, Relationships, and Disability: How to Have Confidence and Succeed. A couple months later I received an email from Jessica that said:

"Your course that focuses on self acceptance and self love. For me, that is the best lesson anyone can learn. The first step to dating is loving yourself.  I also started seeing someone and it’s the best relationship I've ever had. Your course helped my confidence and I thank you for that. "

A couple months ago I received this text from Jessica: Seth proposed and we’re getting married!

Today we’re talking to Jessica and Seth about their relationship and how it has progressed. We cover the following topics:

Jessica’s dating experience prior to meeting Seth and some of the challenges around dating with a disability.

The progression of your relationship and how they brought Jessica’s disability into the relationship.

What has changed about your relationship.

What was different for Seth about dating someone with a disability.  What drew him to Jessica.

How Seth approached Jessica’s disability that was different from others.

What advice they would give to people with disabilities out there dating or trying to date and meet the right person.

What advice they would  give to someone dating a person with a disability.

Resources

• If you would like to check out the online course that Jessica took  right before she met Seth on Dating, Relationships, and Disability: How to Have Confidence and Succeed.
• The Five Love Languages (book)

Please leave a review of the show.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we’re talking with Anna Hayek, Instructor and Heart of Operations at Mad Hatter Wellness, which specializes in sexuality and healthy relationship training. We talk about the resources and services Mad Hatter Wellness. Mad Hatter has in person and virtual trainings, as well as online courses.

Upcoming Conference
Mad Hatter has their annual Heart of Relationships  happening now through February 18, 2022. It’s all virtual. Registration link in below. It’s a great way to connect with others invested in healthy relationships for people with disabilities. Scholarships are also available for those who need it.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Anna gives advice about talking with others in your pursuit of healthy relationships and being happy with yourself.

Resources 

Mad Hatter Wellness Website

Virtual Heart of Relationships Conference Feb 7-18

Linktree with many of Mad Hatter's main links

Sexuality for All Abilities Book

Online Courses

Newsletter Sign Up

Please leave this podcast a review!

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I once dated a guy who would say things to me like “I wonder how many people see us together and think you’re my client.” Yeah, very uncool. He also said, “My friend told me she thinks it’s so great that I’m dating someone with dating someone with a disability,” in a tone that was very heroic. Even further uncool to say. Needless to say, that relationship gratefully ended. It was a time in my life in which I was young and still didn’t know how to bring my disability into a relationship in an empowered way. Today we’re talking about how to do just that - bringing your disability into relationships so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship and that both of you can talk openly and honestly about it.

Take Your Disability Along for the Ride

Incorporate your disability into relationships. Communicate about the challenges a disability brings to a relationship, problem solve about it, and most important, have a sense of humor about it. Give your relationship room to be real about your disability and how both of you are affected by it. I would encourage you to discuss and even role play how they would talk about their disability in relationships. 

If both people in a relationship have disabilities, don’t assume the other person will always “get” your disability because we all approach and live with a disability in our own way. Some examples of how to communicate about your disability are “How are you feeling about me having a disability?” “What is it like for you to help me with _________?” “What do your friends say about my disability?”

Vital to Remember

• Your disability does not take away from your beauty. It only contributes to it.
• When YOU believe in your beauty and how your disability adds to it, others will see that too.
• Living with a disability is hard work. That difficulty “builds character” (corny but true) adds spice to who you are, makes you more interesting, and let’s face it, makes life far from boring.

Communicate with Confidence About Your Disability

• Have the courage to talk openly about your disability with whoever you're dating.
• We waste much time playing guessing games and we don’t need to.
• Take a deep breath and let someone know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. 
• Be okay with a little discomfort…you never know what will come of it.
• People will not always immediately be at ease with you. If they’re showing a genuine interest, but unsure how to act or respond to you, don’t be too quick to cut them off.
• Give them the lead on how you want to be treated.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Think about how you may bring your disability into relationships in a way that feels right for you. Practice this in your current relationships with friends and family.
• Just because you haven’t had success in this

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I was originally going to do this podcast on boundaries, but I realized that what may be more helpful is to talk about the importance of saying NO as a way of developing healthy boundaries. We have to learn to say NO to what does not feel good or right. Never be afraid to say “NOOOO” to anyone. Communicate immediately to a person you trust if someone has done anything you’re uncomfortable with.

Saying No to Subtle Discomforts

It’s equally important that you say NO to interactions and communication that is not outright abuse, but still makes you feel uncomfortable or violated in any way.

Examples:

• Touch on the knee, thigh, or back that does not feel right.
• A hug or kiss that doesn’t feel right.
• A term of endearment (i.e. honey or baby) way too soon.
• Unwanted calls, texts, or emails.
• Flashes of jealousy.
• Control issues.
• Not listening.

Developing Healthy Boundaries

• Check in with yourself about how you're feeling.
• If something doesn't feel right, communicate about it.
• How do you check in with yourself?
• Listen to what you’re feeling and respect them.
• If something doesn’t feel right, trust that and communicate about it.
• Ask yourself “Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?”

Leaving

Lastly, we need to know when to leave a relationship. Here’s some examples:

• When there’s any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental. Leave at the first sign.
• When you’re generally unhappy in the relationship.
• When you don’t feel respected or treated well.
• When you are not on the same page with your partner about your relationship.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Learn to say no as a way of developing healthy boundaries. Say no to subtle discomforts as much as blatant ones. 
• Use the download in the show notes to help you identify how you can be safe in relationships and have healthy boundaries in relationships.
• Allow it to help you get clarity on what you may need to work on to feel happy and safe in relationships.

Resources

• Free download - Do I Feel Safe checklist. 
• Please leave us a review!

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

A foundation to success in dating and relationships is being safe and feeling empowered in all your interactions. This includes not being taken advantage of physically, emotionally, sexually, or financially. It also includes not being manipulated in any way.  Freedom from abuse doesn’t always happen in dating and relationships. This is the case for people without disabilities and especially true for the disabled.

We have to talk about this…

• According to 2017 U.S Justice Department statistics, people with intellectual disabilities are seven times more likely to be sexually assaulted. 
• As many as 83% of women with developmental disabilities and 32% of men are victims of sexual assault. 
• For most people with developmental disabilities, their first "sexual" (and I use that term loosely) encounter is rape. 
• Only about 3% of perpetrators of people with disabilities serve time. 
• 49% of people with developmental disabilities suffer from chronic sexual abuse.
• National Public Radio Series on the prevalence of sexual assaults to people with intellectual disabilities.
• Search “NPR Abused and Betrayed”

How This Can Be Prevented

• At the core of helping to prevent assault and abuse are these very preventable steps to take:
• Develop and maintain strong personal boundaries help protect from abuse. Listen to your gut!
• Be informed about sex and sexuality. Hungry for information, people who are uninformed might find themselves with dangerous people and in dangerous places.
• Be open to opportunities to learn and grow so that you feel empowered in relationships. 
• IT IS NEVER THE FAULT OF THE PERSON SUFFERING FROM ABUSE AND ASSAULT.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• It’s so important that we not only keep safety in mind when pursuing dating and relationships, but feel empowered to demand it in our interactions. Don’t demand less of yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, name it, say it out loud, talk about it. Do it not only for yourself, but also collectively for all people with disabilities. Let’s get those high number of assaults and abuse down.
• If you need help with this, grab the download in today’s show notes, Do I Feel Safe?
• One final tip - get a support system for yourself for dating and relationships. Have a few trusted friends you can talk to when you not only have a safety concern, but just about dating and relationships in general. I’ll be doing a podcast on this in the near future.

Resources 

• Free download - Do I Feel Safe checklist. 

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Last week we discussed whether or not to use dating sites and apps. We talked about how that’s an individual choice and up to your comfort level. This week we’re talking about safety on dating sites and apps, not to mention, social media in general.

Over the years I have heard from many people encountering others asking for money, credit card information, and pressuring to meet before somebody was ready. These events can lead to dating sites and apps feeling unsafe.

Look Within to Feel Safe

• We look out by first looking within. This means you get in the habit of checking in with yourself. You  check in with yourself by getting quiet and spending some time to go inward and ask:
• Am I happy in this relationship?
• Am I being treated the way I want to?
• Am I being spoken to the way I want to be?
• Is there anything I’m uncomfortable with?
• Do we have the same values?
• Would I feel comfortable with this person?
• Do you want to like the person just so you don’t feel lonely?
•  Want a checklist of these questions, download the Do I Feel Safe guide in the show notes.

What to Look Out For?

• This is not an all encompassing list by any means, but here’s some tips for what to look out for:
• Profiles with blurry photos 
• Vague answers to your questions 
• Anyone who wants to meet right away
• Someone not listening to you
• Someone who wants to talk about sex too soon
• Anyone who asks for money or credit card information 
• Someone who asks to meet you at your home or their home 
• Someone who demonstrates a flash of anger while getting to know you. Share my story.
• Anyone who you just get a gut feeling about something being off. The gut is always right.
• Grab the download for the Safety Checklist in the show notes.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Remember dating sites and apps can be a great way to meet potential dates, but you have to keep safety in the forefront. Use dating sites and apps with caution. Check in with yourself frequently and let your answers help guide you in making decisions about whether to pursue certain people or not.

Resources

• Podcast Survey - https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/522XXRC
• Free download - Do I Feel Safe checklist. 

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

I have to begin with one of the “disadvantages” I have in my work. I’m married, happily married at that. It’s a wonderful facet of my life, but it does give me a distinct drawback when knowing what are the best dating sites and apps out there. And of course, the information about dating sites and apps is always changing. So this is not a podcast about what the best sites and apps are, but rather the approach and mindset that would be the most helpful if you choose to do dating sites and apps. Notice I said choose to. Like everything else with dating, using sites and apps is a choice. This can be helpful to remember that it’s really up to you if you use them as a tool in your dating quest.

Do What’s Right For You

Online dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people, especially as we continue to socially distance. However, it’s definitely not for everyone. Do what feels right for you. Naturally, make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person. We’ll talk in more detail about online safety in the next couple of weeks.

What To Consider With Online Dating

• Photos! Look through photos and find at least five good photos of yourself. This may seem obvious, but make sure they are flattering and that you're smiling. If your disability is evident from your appearance, consider using at least one photo that shows that.
• Spend time on your dating profile. A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this. It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself.
• The dating profile helps you with a number of things. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies. See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.
• Next week we’ll take an even deeper dive into how to make a dating profile work for you and why it’s so crucial, even if you’re not doing online dating.

Where Do We Go From Here?
Where to begin with online dating? There’s endless choices for dating sites and apps. I recommend you spend some time looking at what’s out there, but don’t go into the dating app rabbit hole. Settle on 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join.  I recommend you stay with a site at last three months before switching. I think it can take that long before you can get what I call “traction” on a dating site or app.

A lot of people say online dating sites and apps are full of scammers, which can certainly be true. There’s also many people, including myself, that have met their life partner through a dating site. I believe dating sites and apps can be a very viable way to meet people.

R

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate