Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships.

The Real Purpose of a Dating Profile

• A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this. It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself.
• Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. 
• Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies. See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.

Questions To Consider When Writing Your Dating Profile

• What are some of your strengths?
• What are some qualities you are proud of and feel happy about?
• How would you describe your personality?
• What do you want people to know about you?
• What are you looking for in a relationship?
• What kind of person do you want to date?

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Even if you’re not doing online dating, you should have a dating profile.
• Download the guide - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability.

Resources

• Tell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.
• Free download - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re talking about a widely debated topic - when to disclose your disability to a date. Some people suggest waiting a while for people to get to know you. Others, including myself, recommend doing it right away, even in the dating profile. Ultimately, like with anything on this podcast, you need to do you. But for the purpose on today’s chat, we’re going to talk about the pros of disclosing either in a dating profile or soon after you are in contact with a potential date.

Disclosing Can Be Emotional
Disclosing, telling a potential date about your disability, can be an emotional issue for many. People often fear judgments and rejection if they share disability information too soon. It’s all very understandable. Your disability is part of who you are. In many cases, there is no “hiding” its presence. If another person is going to have a problem with it, wouldn’t you want to know that upfront? This doesn’t mean that you need to share everything right away. It means that you share your disability, in the same way, you may share about your looks.

How to Disclose

Your date takes the cue from you about how to view your disability. If you describe it in a positive way, they are likely to see it that way too. Try these different ways of how to disclose and talk about your disability as you do so:

•  Talk about how your disability shapes who you are. This lets your potential date understand how your disability is an important part of you. Statements such as "My disability has made me the person I am," is great to use.
• Talk about the person you are and the things you like and do while possibly incorporating your disability. Statements such as "I cruise all over in my wheelchair," says that you're an active person who likes to get out and happens to use a wheelchair.
• Talk about your disability related interests and activities. This can be a subtle way of sharing about your disability if you talk about what groups you may be involved with, such as a self-advocacy group.
• Invite questions and conversation about your disability. Use statements such as "Feel free to ask me questions about it." This sends the message that you’re comfortable with yourself and your disability and this attribute will put others at ease. It also demonstrates a trait that most people are drawn to – a sense of empathy. 

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Disclosing a disability and at what point you do so is something that only you can determine based on your comfort level. My advice is to disclose pretty early on so that you aren’t wasting time with people who won’t get to know you simply because you live with a disability.
• Practice disclosing to yourself, family, and friends. Get comfortable with disclosing.
• Access the download that goes with this episode. It will help guide you through the benefits of discl

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

In my Dating, Relationships, and Disability framework I talk about the Power to Attract, which is when you begin focusing on how you are attractive (in all ways - physically, emotionally, personality, etc) and how your disability adds to who you are, you will draw others to you that will think the same. You are completely in control of this.

Why the Power to Attract is so important? 

• People with disabilities can often feel like they’re not attractive enough due to the differences caused by their disability.
• The Power to Attract relates directly to one's recognition and ability to bring forth their strengths and most endearing qualities of oneself.
• Your sense of attraction is another core belief about yourself.
• You attract others because of much more than your looks.
• You attract people to you because of your inner qualities - your personality, how you treat others, your perspective on the world, etc.
• The most influential factor that can either promote or hinder one's sexuality is people's ability to own their Power to Attract.
• This is your ability to attract others to you.
• It is completely up to you how much you shine your Power to Attract.

Thoughts/Beliefs That Strengthen Your Power to Attract

• Believing that you and only you decide how attractive you are. 
• Your attractiveness is independent of the opinions of others.
• Believing that others will be drawn to your positive qualities and how you handle the challenges you face.
• Believing there is someone out there wanting to date you. It sometimes helps to imagine someone, an actual person, out there wanting to meet you and spend time with you.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Focus and believe in ALL you have to offer to a relationship. When people are dating, they are looking for what others have to offer and not what they lack.
• You want to attract people who see your disability as an asset, not a drawback.You want to attract people who see your disability as an asset, not a drawback.
• Your disability is most likely with you for life, you’re going to want someone who will see it as part of you and part of your Power to Attract.

Resources

• Tell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.
• Free download - How to Cultivate Your Power to Attract 

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

If you’re listening to this around the time it’s published, it is the holiday season and if you’re single, you may be having a hard time with feeling lonely and longing to be with someone. You are not alone. I recently asked a group of single people with disabilities about their feelings during the holidays. Their responses included wondering why they are still single, missing loved ones, and wanting someone to cuddle by the fire with.

I remember feeling so lonely for many years during the holiday season as I gathered with family and friends who were all creating families of their own. These are all very human, very understandable responses. This episode is about how to cope with these feelings and how to actually use them for your benefit.

Acknowledge How You Feel

• Many times when you’re feeling hard emotions like loneliness and longing, it can help significantly to just acknowledge how you feel. Now you may think “Why would I want to admit feeling sad or despair from not having anyone in my life?” Facing your feelings like this can actually provide an emotional release because you’re no longer pretending they don’t exist or pushing the feelings down.
• It’s helpful to remember an emotion is part of you, but not all of you. Don’t be afraid of emotions overtaking you, they won’t. Most emotions, when we’re really present to them and feel them, they only last 90 seconds.
• It’s also helpful that you don’t judge yourself for having such emotions. Be gentle with yourself, especially when you’re having a hard time. Few things can make you feel worse than judgment on top of a challenging emotion.

Use How You Feel for Fuel 

• Looking back on my single years and the loneliness I felt during the holidays, one of the most important things I did is use my feelings to motivate me to continue taking risks to put myself out there to date and meet someone.
• I wanted that vision of waking up with my own family and cuddles by the fire. 
• How can you take your struggle with being single this holiday season and all the feelings that come with it to help propel you further toward that vision you have for yourself.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Use what you’re struggling with and feeling to make the changes you want.
• Just because you're this holiday season, doesn’t mean you won’t be next. 
• To help you, this week I have a choice of three downloads to help you with getting through being single during the holidays. You can download one or all three. They are:

1. The 3, 2, 1 plan, which was the download related to Episode 9. A quick review of it is you choose three affirmations for yourself to help grow your dating confidence. You pick two beliefs about either yourself, your disability, or your mindset about relationships that need an overhaul. Then you’re going to decide on one action you’re goin

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re talking about what I think is the most important piece of DRD framework for getting results, Taking Action. Yes, actually taking all that you desire for dating and relationships and doing something, even taking risks and possibly failing at times, but moving forward toward what you want.  This is important for you to hear: I think most people have a hard time initiating dating, or as I say, putting yourself out there. It’s scary and awkward and who wants to feel that?

But What Else Are You Going To Do?

• Think about this, if you’re not taking any action to try to meet people and date, what else are you going to do to get what you want? The love of your life is not going to show up on your doorstep.
• What is one small thing you do to get yourself in the dating mode? Tell a friend you’re ready to date and to keep her in mind among her friends. Check out various dating apps. Join a new group or volunteer activity as a way of meeting new people.
• Whatever it is, do something to move from dreaming about dating and relationships to doing.

Remember to Work on Your Beliefs While You Take Action 

• If you listen to episodes 4 and 5 we talk about positive beliefs about yourself and about ways to build dating confidence. You really need to continue this mental work while you take action. The believing and the doing go hand in hand.
• Chances are you may take action to date while you feeling scared and vulnerable. This is totally normal. Rely on your positive thoughts and increasing confidence in these moments.
• Tell yourself you have what it takes and then go and do it.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Now that you decided, okay I actually do need to do something about dating, organize yourself and your plan to date.
• I’m going to recommend the 3,2, 1 plan for you and here how it goes. You’re going to choose three affirmations for yourself to help grow your dating confidence. You’re going to next pick two beliefs about either yourself, your disability, or your mindset about relationships that need an overhaul. Then you’re going to decide on one action you’re going to take to get in the dating scene.

Resources

• Podcast Survey
• Free download - 3, 2, 1 Plan

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week I have my first guest on the show, Pam Malin, from Disability Rights Wisconsin. Pam is an Advocacy Specialist and a Project Coordinator and has been working for decades to promote healthy relationships for people with disabilities.

• We talk about people need to speak up and advocate for their rights for healthy relationships.
• Pam talks about how her interest in healthy relationships began after learning about the high statistics of abuse among people with disabilities.
• The issue of guardianship as a partnership is introduced through a story that Pam shares.
• We talk about the need for people to have access to information as a means for making good decisions.
• How society can change and grow to further accept people with disabilities as relationship partners is discussed. Pam mentions how society needs specific examples of people breaking through barriers.
• Isolation continues to be a barrier to people making connections.
• The issue of safety online is also discussed.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Finding a support network is crucial.
• Society has to learn to view people with disabilities as sexual beings.

Resources

• Podcast Survey to provide feedback on what you would like to see in future episodes.
• Contact Kathy O’Connell at [email protected] if you’re interested in joining the Healthy Relationship working group that she and Pam run.
• Learn more about Pam at Disability Rights Wisconsin. https://disabilityrightswi.org/

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re discussing the last part of the DRD framework, developing problem strategies for being in relationship. When a relationship happens, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. The ability to problem solve in dating and relationships is essential.  Sometimes when problems emerge in a relationship, we feel scared and vulnerable. We may feel we’re inadequate or we’re being rejected.  Sometimes we react by shutting down and that can destroy our relationship when in reality we may just have to develop our problem solving muscle.

What’s A Problem Solving Muscle?

• All relationships have issues. A good relationship is not about having few problems but how well two people work through the problems they have.
• Especially if you’re new to relationships, it’s helpful to keep in mind that problem solving is a skill that we develop by using it, much like a muscle.
• You begin to develop this skill, build this muscle, like you get good at everything else - by practice.

The Basic Relationship Skills

• For simplicity, let’s look at the two fundamental skills of problem solving, particular in relationships - communicating and listening.  If you can do these well, it will save you a lot of heartache in relationships when problems arise.
• For listening, the key, and I’m saying this as much to myself as I am to all of you, is to shut up, close your mouth, mute yourself on zoom if needed. Just take in what another is saying to you without feeling the need to put in your two cents.
• For communicating and in order to clearly communicate, check in with yourself first to really understand what you’re thinking and feeling before you communicate your concern to another.

 Where Do We Go From Here? 

• This may sound counterintuitive, but I’d like you to consider embracing problems in relationships and building up your confidence that you can effectively handle them.
• Practice strengthening that problem solving muscle with people in your life now, whether they’re family, friends, coworkers, or the person you’re in relationship with.
• See problems not so much as a threat to a relationship but an opportunity to work through a block in the relationship that could be making it better.

Resources

• Podcast Survey
• Free download - 3 Fundamental Skills for Relationship Success 

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Sometimes we can get so focused on the dating side of things, trying to attract someone, and trying to find the right person, we forget about the other 80% of work that comes from dating and relationships. That’s right 80% and that’s just my very rough, unresearched estimation of the amount of energy and skill involved in maintaining a relationship. This week we talk about the third component of the DRD framework - what to do when you have a relationship and how to nurture it.

Relationships 101

• Naturally, there’s a lot of ground to cover with relationships in general and more so when one lives with a disability. That’s why I created this podcast, so we can take a deeper dive into it all.
• Let’s begin with the basics - do you like them and they like you? It seems like a nobrainer, but there’s many couples who are together because one person showed an interest and/or it’s just convenient.
• And if you like to just be with them, have you considered if they meet your criteria for a partner. You do have a criteria, don’t you?

Relationship Criteria 

• Acknowledgement that sometimes you may just want to date and have fun without thinking about it becoming too serious.
• But when you are looking for something a little more serious, do you first consider what you’re looking for in both a relationship and a partner? You know, are there enough things in common to enjoy together when the infatuation wears off? Do they have enough of the same values as you as a person? Let’s take a very broad example. Often people who, let’s say, are more expansive in their thinking and approach to people may have a challenging time being in an intimate relationship with someone who is more structured and categorize in their thinking. How about that for being diplomatic?
• Once you gotten to know someone, do you then ask yourself do they meet your criteria for what you’re looking for?

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• This podcast is called Dating, Relationships, and Disability for a reason. I’ve always said that I just don’t want PWD to date. I want them to have happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships.
• If you’re out there dating and you’re unclear about what you want in a relationship, please, please download the guide in the show notes on having a relationship vision. Now, it will seem like a silly exercise, but it’s so helpful in you getting clear about what you’re looking for in a partner. The guide helps you focus on what qualities in another person you want to attract to you. Provide an example.
• Trust me, this exercise is so helpful. I would read it daily for years. Yes, dating involves time and patience. But my husband has so many of the qualities I wrote about nearly ten years before I met him.

Resources

• Po

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re talking about the second core principle, or table leg, to my DRD framework- dating confidence. I hear frequently, and I felt this way also when I was single,   “I’m pretty confident in general, but when it comes to dating, it’s another story.”

• Why is it the dating scene feels so much different than other areas of our lives? One word - vulnerability.
• Dating and relationships add this extra special layer of vulnerability when we’re in them that can affect confidence.

Confidence and Vulnerability 

• The two can coexist and can actually be strengthened by one another.
• If you want to dive more deeply into the topic of vulnerability, I recommend reading or watching anything by Brene Brown. She has a treasure chest of wisdom on vulnerability. One of them being “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”
• I believe the best way to grow dating confidence is to actually acknowledge how vulnerable you feel. It’s often when we fight against our vulnerability that it weakens our confidence because we’re spending so much mental energy defending against feeling vulnerable.

Growing Dating Confidence 

• Begin by taking some action. Look we can talk about confidence all we want, but we need to combine it with taking some type of action. It can be small. Check out a dating app, share with a friend you’re thinking about dating, make eye contact and smile at someone you find attractive.
• Replace those negative messages you give yourself, you know the ones that tend to tear down your confidence, with more positive ones. Love on yourself. See Ep 4.
• When you don’t feel confident, ask yourself, “If I were to feel confident in this moment, how would I think, feel and act?” And then do so. It’s not faking it, it’s practicing.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• You’ll hear me say repeatedly here that much of the work of DRD begins with you. Yes, you listening while you get dress, wait for a ride, or much away on the rest of the Oreo cheesecake in the fridge. You, who longs for companionship, love and good sex. 
• People can support and cheer you on in growing dating confidence, but at the end of the day, you have to make the commitment to yourself to foster your own confidence.
• If you’re struggling with doing so, reach out for professional help. There are a sea of wonderful counselors out there who can really work with you to grow and nurture your confidence.

Resources

• Podcast Survey
• Free download - 10 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

• This week I begin to break down the four table legs, so to speak, on the DRD framework - believing in yourself.
• It’s certainly the hardest part of getting the whole dating and relationship piece to get nailed down.
• I believe mastering this will attract others to you more than looks, money, or what you’re able to do.

Exactly what does it mean to believe in yourself?

• Sometimes believing in yourself - and I mean really believing to your unshakeable core - can take a while. 
• It’s more than saying affirmations, although those help. It’s about knowing and staying with your worth IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY.
• This is what I experienced in the first date I had with my husband. Listen to Episode 1. He was clearly uncomfortable with me as a PWD, but I didn’t allow that to sway me from feeling worthy, knowing my potential, and communicating that.

How do you cultivate a POSITIVE belief in yourself?

• May sound counterintuitive, but you have to first look at what beliefs are holding you back and keeping you from believing more positively in yourself?
• Really look at these beliefs and ask, are they helping me get to where I want to be. Challenge your own thinking.
• Focus on the positives in yourself. Look would you go in a job interview thinking well, I suck at this, why would anyone hire me? No, you sell yourself and your assets! The same is true in dating.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Believe, believe, believe.
• Your mind is a computer that needs to be reprogrammed. Get those nasty viruses out of there. 
• You begin this by catching yourself every time you have a negative belief about yourself. Say, “I don’t have time for this,” and choose a more positive thought/belief.

Resources

• Please take the Podcast Survey to share what you would love to hear on the show. 
• Free download - 5 Beliefs for Successful Dating 

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate