Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Today's show is released on the 32nd anniversary of the passage of the  Americans with Disabilities (ADA) act. While it hasn't fix all the issues, or even come close, to providing accessibility to all people with disabilities, the  ADA has certainly made a crack in the equality ceiling.

For many of you, you have never known life without the ADA being the law. For others, like myself, I  remember standing in my family's home and watching the coverage on the news of the masses of people with disabilities on the steps of the Capitol, many of them crawling up the steps to demonstrate the need for access.

What Does the ADA Have to Do with Dating?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could legislate ramps into  people's minds and hearts so that society could more readily see people with disabilities as dating and relationship partners? Since that won't ever happen, it's really up to YOU to make it happen.

Pursue your dreams to meet people, date, and find loving relationships. If you have that desire in your heart, HONOR it. Go for it, despite the judgments and perceptions you face from people. That is how we all are going to eventually build a ramp to people's hearts and minds.

Where Do We Go From Here?

The resource guide for this episode is the Dating Strategies guide.  This guide will help you develop a mindset for dating success, help you figure out how you want to communicate about your disability with dates, and brainstorm how to meet people. 

Resources

Dating Strategies guide

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

In the month of July, we’re celebrating Disability Pride. According to the Disability Community Resource Center, Disability Pride is defined “as accepting and honoring each person’s uniqueness and seeing it as a natural and beautiful part of human diversity.” Disability Pride is an integral part of movement building and a direct challenge of systemic ableism and stigmatizing definitions of disability. 

I believe we need to bring Disability Pride more into the dating scene as a way of beginning to eradicate sexual ableism. As a reminder, sexual ableism is discrimination against people with disabilities in intimacy and relationships, suggesting the very presence of a disability implies inferiority. Check out episode 2 which is all about sexual ableism.

So What Does It Mean To Have Disability Pride When Dating?

Again, according to the Disability Community Resource Center “the disability pride movement wants to present people with disabilities as people living their lives in plain view proud of their identity as being disabled…Pride comes from celebrating our heritage, disability culture, the unique experiences that we have as people with disabilities, and the contributions that we can give to society.”

This means we get out there and date. We put ourselves out there if we have the desire for meaningful relationships in our lives, or even if we just want to have fun and have good sex. Yes, I did just say that.

I think a big - and scary - part of bringing Disability Pride to dating is knowing some people will reject us and STILL going for what we want. Our dreams and desires are not dependent on everyone seeing your value. It’s their loss if they do. You need to just attract the right people who will see your value and beauty.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Much of the core of my work in helping people to dating is about mindset, what you believe about yourself, and the ability to feel confident in the face of adversity. And I understand that all takes time. That’s why I show up every week in your earbuds, giving up a regular dose of encouragement and support for doing the very hard thing of dating with a disability. I have a selection of resources this week to help you in building your confidence.

Resources

Affirmations for Living Confidently with a Disability has statements to encourage you with general confidence.

Mindset Beliefs for Successful Dating helps you in creating beliefs about yourself and your disability that build confidence.

And Boldly Communicate helps you to develop ways to talk confi

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Every week when a new podcast is released, I send an email to people on my subscriber list with a little description of the podcast, along with the link to the free resource of the week. I’m not telling you that to get you on my email list, although of course, there’s a link in the show notes if that’s something that peaks your interest.

I’m telling you this because last week the subject of the email was “What’s Wrong With You?” to go along with the episode title. I had one person answer the email by saying, “my looks and disability.” While I have compassion for this person because I once believed that about myself, I told the reader that the fact that he believes that his looks and disability are what’s wrong with him IS THE PROBLEM.

If you’re listening to this around the time it airs, it is the lovely summer month, in the Northern hemisphere, of July. July is also Disability Pride month. I always like to acknowledge Disability Pride month because I believe we don’t have enough of it in our society. 

What We Believe About Ourselves is What People See

Let me ask you this. If you are believing that your looks or disability is the problem. If you’re believing you can’t attract someone to you because of your looks or the fact that you use a wheelchair, how is a potential date going to see beyond what you believe about yourself?

Whatever we believe about ourselves, either positive or negative, is what others see. If you’re believing that your looks are lacking, that no one will date you because of your disability, or even wondering why the hell should you be proud of your disability, others are going to pick right up on that and say “Nah-ah.”

Building Better Beliefs

I often find this is the hardest part for people I work with to grasp.Living with a disability of any kind can certainly make dating and relationships challenging, but TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

"Every belief has a consequence. Your beliefs either heal you or harm you. They either support your aspirations or thwart them. Beliefs become the source of your limitation or liberation." -Marie Forleo, Everything Is Figureoutable

BELIEF MINDSET #1: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELF

Example: I am a kind and loving person who deserves to be treated well.

BELIEF MINDSET #2: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR DISABILITY

Example: Living with a disability make me very interesting as a person.

BELIEF MINDSET #3: YOUR POWER TO ATTRACT

Example: I attract people to me with my kind heart and warm personality.

BELIEF MINDSET #4: WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU DESERVE

Example: I deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

BELIEF MINDSET

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

“What’s wrong with you?” Don’t you love that question. I have been asked this before, several times. It amazes me that I actually don’t recall a date ever asking me this one. For you who have been asked this on a date, or anywhere else in your life, I have the Perfect Answer.

First, let me just say…I can certainly understand a five-year old asking this of someone living with a disability. I always use it as a teachable moment with kids and begin by saying, “I walk and talk differently (inserting a more inclusive word than funny or weird) because I have cerebral palsy.” Depending on their age, they may be satisfied with that or if they have a heightened sense of curiosity, it may lead to a discussion about what cerebral palsy is. Either way, it’s all good.

Manners 101
It’s when adults ask me this, is when I have difficulty. We won’t even discuss here about the need to back to Sensitivity and Manners 101. Let’s talk about the myth people are perpetuating when they ask this question.

“What’s wrong with you?” implies that there’s an inherent flaw that needs to be corrected in someone. At the time this podcast is going live, it’s July, Disability Pride month. Throughout July, we’re going to be talking about bringing Disability Pride into dating and relationships.

Obviously, the question implying there’s something wrong with you does nothing to foster disability pride.  A disability is just a facet of who we are, among all our other attributes. When people use the word wrong and we all know they mean our disability, they are implying it is bad, faulty, mistaken, out of line, rotten, etc. to live with a disability, rather than what’s perfect and natural about you.

Empowerment Moment, Not Teachable

If a date or a potential date should ask you this question, I certainly understand you wanting to give them a piece of your mind, especially if they use a certain tone in asking the question. As I always say, you ultimately need to respond in a way that suits you.

I would recommend that you take this opportunity as a moment for empowerment for yourself. Forget teachable moments. If an adult is asking you what’s wrong with you, they need way more teaching than you have time.

Use this moment to let them know there’s not a thing “wrong” with you, that your disability is another aspect of yourself that makes you so damn interesting and why they should get to know you.

Where Do We Go From Here?

The dating scene is filled with opportunities for showing Disability Pride. Think about how you want to talk about your disability ahead of time. Come up with how you’re going to answer questions about your disability, even insensitive ones. See them as opportunities to empower yourself in the dating scene, rather than dou

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Let’s begin with a question, keeping in mind this is a podcast on dating and relationships.

Are you choosing your dreams, rather than buying into sexual ableism?  This can be a particularly good question to ask yourself this if you’re not having success in dating with a disability.

You may not like that question and even be a little offended by it.

But sometimes those harder questions and more specifically, the answers to them, point us in the direction we want to be heading in.

I spent most of my single years believing that living with cerebral palsy presented a huge obstacle to falling in love and finding a life partner. You might be feeling the same way. You may think your disability makes you less attractive, less valuable as a partner.

What Sexual Ableism Is

Sexual ableism is a system of beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in dating, intimacy, and relationships, suggesting the very presence of disability implies inferiority (adapted from AccessLiving.org). Episode 2 is all about sexual ableism.

Sexual ableism is discrimination, belittling, judgments, archaic thinking. It’s just as real as racism, xenoism, and sexism is. It has to be acknowledged. 

But we don’t need to place this prejudicial thinking before our dreams. Why give more power to what can hurt you over what you want most?

Make the decision that was what you want most, to share my life with someone, is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than backwards beliefs.

Dare to Dream

I’m reading a fabulous book, Shining the Light: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley, a longtime disability advocate. I’ll be having Shirley on the show in the near future  to discuss her book. In Shining the Light, Shirley talks about how vital it is for all people to have dreams as part of a meaningful life. She writes, “Dreams give our life meaning and for some people, it is a dream that allows them to get up every morning and say, ‘I can do this one more day.”

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Love is love. 

Although this is typically associated with the LGBTQ+ community, those of us living with disabilities can certainly borrow it to help rise above sexual ableism. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, desired, and valued. This begins with changing what you put your focus on, where you invest your mental energy.

Choose your dreams over the negativity of sexual ableism. Believe in yourself. Believe in wort

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Unified Diversity, seems a contradictory term, doesn’t it?

It’s a topic I believe we pay too little attention to in the Disabled community – our solitary with other diverse populations, as well with one another. As someone who has always been and will always be a “minority,” I feel such an affinity with others who are lumped in this ever-growing category.

I, as a white, heterosexual woman, feel a particular kinship to the LBGTQ+ community. First and foremost because so many treasured friends of mine belong to this diverse and dynamic group.

But my affinity runs deeper than friendship…

It’s about owning, claiming, and celebrating a natural part of your being that is still often viewed by the majority as unnatural and even worse, “not right.” While I can’t try to proclaim that I understand the struggles that still exist today for people who are “coming out,” I do certainly understand how it feels to encounter the fear of difference.  I believe as a society we have come a long way in the last few decades in that regard. 

As I have watched the progression of the Pride movement into increased acceptance and value for the diverse ways people live and love, I can’t help but think there are so many lessons for the Disabled community to learn from. At the core of Pride movement, I see people valuing how they’re different for the “majority” and taking pride in their diversity, which has endured a history of shame, denigration, and abuse. Sound familiar?

It can feel so isolating at times to learn to take pride in the very thing that brings so much adversity in your life, whether it be using a wheelchair, loving someone of the same sex, identifying with another gender, or being a different race. Pride, for me on my heterosexual, heteronormative, Disabled lens, is really about celebrating who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear.

We all struggle to be celebrated in a world that may not accept us. Let’s begin by accepting one another within that realm of difference and learning from one another to accept ALL differences.

Let’s all “come out” as a way of teaching the world that diversity expands and strengthens the global good. This is why we need Unified Diversity and not categories of differences. Let’s not only embrace one another’s struggles, but learn from them as a means of easing our own personal journeys.

You may be asking, “Okay, I get all this, but how does Pride fit into dating with a disability?”

These three simple, yet profound lessons from the Pride movement can really be effective in countering sexual ableism in the dating scene:

1. Come out and claim, own, and celebrate your disability as a natural part of your being in the face of others seeing it as unnatural and even worse, “not right.” 
2. Celebrate who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear and live your life.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

My husband and I recently celebrated the 15th anniversary of our first date. To me, 15 years feels like a milestone. It also got me thinking about first dates and initially meeting people. It can be very tenuous, especially when you live with a disability. People judge you, have perceptions of you that are frequently wrong, and may just dismiss you all together. And this can happen whether or not other people have disabilities themselves because we all process disabilities in very individual ways.

• In addition to judging you, people can also be uncomfortable with the presence of your disability. That was certainly the case with the first date I had with my husband. Check out episode 1, I’m So Uncomfortable, for those details.
• What I want to talk about today is the concept of holding space for discomfort on dates. I think this is so important because I am sure if I didn’t hold the space for my husband’s discomfort on our awkward first date, I would have never heard from him.

Difference Between Discomfort and Ableism 

• Before I talk about holding the space for discomfort, I want to distinguish discomfort from ableism. While discomfort can certainly come from ableism, I define discomfort more with what someone is feeling inside and how they’re reacting to a person or situation. Ableism, on the other hand, is projecting discomfort to make the experience of being disabled wrong or inferior.

What Does Holding Space Mean

• Holding space is typically a counseling term. It can also be a term used in yoga. I actually found a great definition for it at yogapedia.com. “When you hold space for someone, you are doing something very beautiful. You are allowing them the chance to feel safe and supported in being exactly what they are and allowing whatever comes, to simply happen. You are protecting their ability to exist and to experience their reality, without judging them or attempting to alter this reality in any way.”
• Now I want to be clear, it is certainly not our job - ever - to take care of others and help them feel safe and supported adjusting to our disabilities. I have always felt that when you’re an adult, that’s their responsibility.

Tips for Holding Space 

• I want to just share some tips for holding space for someone’s discomfort with you and your disability.
• First of all, it’s not about you! It’s so important that you remember this. You having a disability is never, ever the problem. People thinking that way is the problem. So just continually remind yourself of that when confronted with discomfort about your disability.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• While I’m a firm believer that disabilities are natural and the wor

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Today I interview Ellen Merker, a Licensed Professional Counselor, who own Heart Consulting in Madison, WI. Heart Consulting works with people with developmental disabilities, physical disabilities, and mental illness; of all genders and gender identities, sexual orientations, race, socioeconomic status, religions, cultures, and ethnicity.  

Heart Consulting believes in empowering people with disabilities to live full lives with meaningful relationships, and works to do this through educating about safe and healthy relationships, as well as provide support and advocacy to individuals.  

Ellen  started Heart Consulting LLC in 2017, after seeing the need for more resources around sexual assault and domestic violence in the disability community. Ellen received her MS in Rehabilitation Psychology from UW-Madison in 2012, and has worked in various roles with neurodivergent individuals for over 10 years.  Ellen’s therapy focuses on individual needs and looking at the how one’s environment may be impacting mental health.

Resources 

• Heart Consulting on Instagram
• Heart Consulting on Facebook
• Heart Consulting's website
• Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

Let’s face it -- dating with a disability can be hard! People can struggle to accept you and what you have to offer. It can certainly affect your self esteem and confidence. This is exactly why I specialize in ways to increase self esteem and confidence when dating. The best way to counter this is through affirmations, positive statements you focus on as a way of building your confidence. 

Not Faking It

• I want to be clear about something. Saying affirmations is about changing your beliefs. It is not about “faking it until you make it,” which unfortunately is what I used to believe.
• Affirmations are about pretending to be something you’re not. It’s about rewiring your brain your thoughts and beliefs to work with you rather than against you.

Why These  Statements Work

Here are 8 affirmations to increase your confidence in dating and relationships. I’m going through each statement to explain why it works.  If you don’t believe these statements right now, that’s fine. Try to remove any judgment as you say them. The power of affirmations comes from reading them and saying them daily. As you do, you change your mindset to bring about the positive changes you want in your life.

• My disability and the experience of living with it only adds to what I have to offer.
• The strengths and personal qualities, such as determination and acceptance of others, you have gained from living with a disability enhance who you are and what you offer to others.
• I enjoy dating and meeting people.
• I attract people who see my disability as an asset.
• I have the courage to let go of negative people to make room for people who see my value.
• My disability adds to my value as a person.
• I only accept people in my life who treat me well.
• I deserve a fun, loving, and healthy relationship.
• There’s someone out there who would love to be in a relationship with me.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• “You must master a new way to think before you master a new way to be.” - Marianne Williamson
• Saying these affirmations will help you focus on a new way to be, one that is confident in your worth, disability and all.
• So much of dating is about your mindset and how you perceive yourself as a potential partner.
• Grab the download for this episode, Affirmations for Confidently Dating. It has all the affirmations I just went through. Practice saying them, mentally focus on them, have them become part of a new way to be in the dating scene.

Resources 

• Free download - Affirmations for Confidently Dating

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate

During the many years I was single, the best advice I got was “You won’t be for everyone.” This came as a relief and it still surprises me that it was news to me at the time. Well, of course, I’m not for everyone! Duh!

But why did I focus on “everyone” needing to find me attractive?

I think my experience in putting a lot of weight and focus on the concept of “everyone” is a common dating trap.

Today we’re going to challenge the concept of “everyone” needing to find you attractive, being comfortable with you, or even accepting you.

It’s a Relief to Let Go of Everyone
The person who said this to me actually conveyed it in a very loving way and with the intention of helping me to let go of my arduous efforts to impress all potential partners. And it worked! I began to breathe more deeply and relax into who I am, rather than what I was putting out there.  In my dating years, I believed in the impossible – that all potential dating partners could work through their resistance toward my disability.  After all, I go through life, knowing that certain people in general will just have difficulty accepting my disability…and people who would have a more intimate relationship with me, would not?! Ugh, arrogance!

When I received this gentle slap in the face of “You’re not for everyone,” it was actually welcomed. Ahh, this meant I could focus on those who were for me and let go of my false need for the others.

From Everyone to Someone
Relaxing into this knowledge helped to foster my Power to Attract (see episode 10), meaning I could put my focus more on what I had to offer to the dating/relationship scene, than trying to draw someone to me. The Power to Attract is about focusing on our gifts and abilities. When you do this, you draw the right people to you.

On some level when you live with a disability, people will always look at what you don’t “have.” For better or worse, it’s human nature. Our job as people with disabilities, I believe, is to be open to all the gifts and lessons we bring to the many who are open to us. If you’re out there dating, knowing you’re not for everyone really helps clear the way for those who are drawn to you.

A Word About Rejection
Another area in dating where the word “everyone” trips us up is when we’re rejected. It could be by one person or ten, but we can believe that everyone is rejecting us. When we think that everyone is rejecting us, that can certainly negatively impact our self esteem and confidence.

Where Do We Go From Here? 

• Catch yourself when you find yourself falling into the “everyone” trap. It’s not true! Every single person does not believe what one or even 50 people believe.
• Focus on the someones that are out there that will find you attractive, will want to get to know you, and

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation |
Artwork photo by Elevate