Dealing With My Grief

I will not focus on the "firsts" as this is the first Christmas without my mother. There are a lot of people who make a big deal of telling me this. Instead I will focus on the way that she lived.

I will pay special attention on making sure to carry on the traditions that we have during the Christmas holiday: exchanging gifts with family, calling those that are not close, and simply enjoying the day as best as I can.

The thing that I'll miss most is not hearing her voice, especially her voice. I've always at least been able to talk to her even if I couldn't see her.

Until this year.

I'll use every coping mechanism in the book to deal with that... until they don't work.

Then I'll simply have to go through it.

The lesson here is that it'll be tough, but I can do it.

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Last week for the first time I had a dream about someone who was deceased... it was a dream about my mother.

It was a dream about a family tradition that we had of opening Christmas presents after Midnight Mass. Now the strange thing is that I didn't let the dream play out because I got so freaked out that I was having this dream that I woke before it ended.

Even stranger is the fact that during the last visit that I had with my mom before she went into the hospital I felt my dad's presence in the car with me on several occasions as I drove to different places throughout the city. I wonder if this is the man who came to "see" my mother the night before she died... the person who told her she was going to die.

During my dream before I woke we did in fact exchange gifts but woke before we opend them. I'm a little upset to not know what the gifts were.

In the end I don't think the gifts were important. I believe it was a way of telling me that it was OK to celebrate the season - not to get upset and caught up in the fact that she isn't here.

While I will mess her physical presence, I will miss her voice even more. I saw her sporadically over the years, mainly at Easter and Thanksgiving or Christmas but we'd talk regularly so it is the sound of her voice I'll miss the most.

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Life is painful... as a baby we probably feel our first pain when we are teething. Our gums swell and maybe turn red as our teeth begin to push their way through. Parents try all types of remedies to ease this pain... teething rings or home made remedies like brandy or whiskey

During adolescence, we experience "growing pains" whether the psychological process of wanting to do/be more than we are allowed or suffering from the physical condition that some people have where the bones grow at a faster rate than their muscles are able to stretch.

When we plant seeds the process of becoming a plant is difficult and filled with obstacles. They require water and must begin life by breaking through their outer shell fighting to get though the dirt/ground so they can benefit from the light of the sun. But not so fast... if left in their natural environment some plants would have an extremely difficult time surviving. they might get choked out by weeds or eaten by animals. So we help them out by putting them in gardens where we weed out the things we don't want and protect them with fences to keep deer and other animals from getting to them.

Grief is the same... you learn more about yourself that we ever wanted to know.

We used to get loved one's reassurances that things would be OK, or that we've taken the right course of action. They were our fencing from the outside world providing us physical or emotional protection. Now they are not here.

If we' really think about it in our time of need, we already know what they would tell us... it just hurts not to hear THEM tell us

From seeds, to sprouts, to full grown plants or trees - through torrential downpours and the blistering heat of summer. Plants survive... and continue to grow and eventually through their seeds begin life anew.

Through our grief we have the same ability to grow if we first realize we must first break through the shell of fear of pain and acknowledge that you want to begin living again in the best way possible without our loved ones physically present in our life.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

Dealing with my mother's personal things after her death is something I began the process of doing during the 2018 Thanksgiving holiday and it was easier than I thought it would be... until it wasn't. sometimes I had to stop and step away for a few minutes until emotionally I could continue going through things.

It was the drive back to DC that I started to process other things. It wasn't until then that I realized grief is like a road trip. When driving, as I pass from one stat to the next the physical make up of the road changes - from asphalt to cement, from bumpy to smooth. There is debris and construction. I have to learn how to navigate through all these will dealing with weather. Sometimes I need to wear sunglasses, sometimes I need to use headlights or windshield wipers - or both.

The thing I need to remember is that I need to recognize when to use which tool.

Grief is the same way, in that there are many obstacles to navigate. We need to look deap within ourselves to determine what tools work best in which situations to help us along our grief recovery journal.

Shopping online during the holiday (or any other day?) Use the following Amazon link and support the show when you make a purchase:

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

As I prepare for the Thanksgiving holiday, I reflect on the things for which I'm grateful. I'm am grateful for the love and support shown me and for those who have lifted me up in this time of need. I'm also grateful for the people that surround me with love and lift me up during difficult times.

I speak a lot about time... I'm grateful for the time I've received with my loved ones who have preceded me in death - mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents. The time that I was given to know and learn from them and to make lastimg memories has helped shape me into who I am today. In hind sight, I wouldn't change any of it.

Even thought the holidays may be painful, be grateful for something.

As much as possible, have a happy holiday season. If possible try to fgind a way to incorporate your deceased loved one(s). as much as possible. It keeps their memory alive.

Shopping online during the holiday (or any other day?) Use the following Amazon link and support the show when you make a purchase:

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Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

Mental health is a topic that is not discussed often enough. On today's show, I'd like to welcome Nancy Eigel-Miller to discuss the work she is doing to educate others in concerning this topic.

Nancy founded the James W. Miller Memorial Fund in 2010 after losing her husband Jim to suicide in 2008. She spent her career in the marketing/market research arena but the call to educate about mental health issues to the youth population pull her in that direction. Her mission is to change the conversation about mental health among the areas youth.

Nancy is based in Cincinnati, Ohio.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

As the holiday's approach I have been asked about how I will be affected by the loss of my mom.

I'll be OK... I'm doing much better than I thought I'd be at this time. Maybe because I've learned how to process my feelings. Maybe because in some small way missing the holidays during other times in my life have prepared me for life without her.

Question: How long do you wait before you go through your love ones possessions? Inquiring minds want to know!!

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

As the death certificate from my mother arrived this week, I've re-evaluated a lot of feelings I've had since her passing.

The irony is I'm dealing with handling her affairs as an only child and while I've never had siblings, I wonder what this process would be like if I could share the load with someone else.

In believing that no one would reach out to support me, or should I say my mother in this process, I was wrong. They did - in droves. The irony is, I had to step away from it for a little bit... it was overwhelming.

Question: How long do you wait before you go through your love ones possessions? Inquiring minds want to know!!

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

Once again I have been plagued by the concept of time.

When I was 10 I began marking time since my father passed and in reflecting back on his death and having begun the process of processing my mother's loss, I realize that I won't do the same with her loss.

When dad died I didn't know what I didn't know about loss: I would have a child that would never know him, or that I would have certain experiences that I would not be able to share or get advice from him. Each year that passed simply marked another year that I was able to "grow" without him.

My mother's death was different.. I had her for 51 years. She taught me and gave me everything she could... really everything I needed. The only thing that we really had left was, well, time.

Time the spend together and do our favorite things, just to make more memories.

I think about time now and I have listened to Hootie and the Blowfish song 'Time'. I had never really given the lyrics much thought until my mother passed.

Here is a link to the song: Time - Hootie and the Blowfish

Song lyric:

Time why you punish me? Like a wave bashing into the shore You wash away my dreams

Time why you walk away? Like a friend with somewhere to go You left me crying

Can you teach me 'bout tomorrow? And all the pain and sorrow running free? 'Cause tomorrow's just another day And I don't believe in time

Time I don't understand Children killing in the street Dying for the color of red

Time hey, there red and blue Wash them in the ocean, make them clean Maybe their mother won't cry tonight

Can you teach me about tomorrow And all the pain and sorrow running free? But tomorrow's just another day And I don't believe in

Time is wasting time is walking You ain't no friend of mine, I don't know where I'm goin' I think I'm out of my mind, thinking about time And if I die tomorrow, just lay me down in sleep

Time is wasting time is walking You ain't no friend of mine I don't know where I'm goin' I think I'm out of my mind, thinking about time

Time you left me standing there Like a tree growing all alone The wind just stripped me bare, stripped me bare

Time the past has come and gone The future's far away And now only lasts for one second, one second

Can you teach me 'bout tomorrow And all the pain and sorrow, running free? 'Cause tomorrow's just another day And I don't believe in time

You ain't no friend of mine I don't know where I'm goin' I think I'm out of my mind

Walking, wasting You ain't no friend of mine And I don't know where I'm goin' No don't know

[Incomprehensible] is just Wasting, wasting, wasting time

Time why you punish me?

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])

Thank you to everyone who has given support to myself and my family in this difficult time following the death of my mother. I appreciate the the love I've received from my immediate and extended family, my friends - many of whom I haven't seen in years, and those of you who know me exclusively through this podcast. I am amazed at the number of emails, text messages, social media posts, etc. that have been seen to my or about my mom. It is greatly appreciated.

I'd like to give a special thanks to Shelby Forsythia of the Coming Back podcast for publicly acknowledging my mother on her podcast a few weeks ago and honoring her with a moment of silence on her show.

Thanks also to Joshua Black of the Grief Dreams podcast who was able to provide comedic relief and help me to remember that we can find laughter and joy during difficult times.

One f the questions Joshua asked was how my grief journey would be different for my mom. Would it be similar to any feelings I had when my dad died. I can say that I wiill probably process this loss faster.

I liken it to hiking and having multiple trails that lead to the same destination. Each path has different elements to navigate... some are rockier while others may have more hills - and some are longer than others. Of, course the scenery is very different.

I think I'm on a shorter path of my journey this time. I have learned who I am and I wil be able to process some things faster as an adult than I did when I was 10.

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Music provided by Oren Levine ([email protected])