Deconstructing Gaslighting™

As a child in the 80’s, I remember being at the skating rink and playing Limbo on skates. Yep, I was that kid. LOL The song, “Limbo rock” would start, and EVERYONE knew it was time… every limbo boy and girl all around the limbo world… la la la la la la la… limbo lower now… limbo lower now … how low can you go? And the competition would begin to see who would get the bragging rights of being the one who could go the lowest (spoiler – it was never me lol).

I don’t remember how long ago it was that I’d heard enough of my clients making concessions and realizing just how low their relationship bar had been lowered, but one day it hit me – it’s like we’ve unknowingly been playing limbo in our relationships – lowering and lowering our bar in an attempt to not end the game (so to speak).

So today I’m going to share just a little bit about how concessions are a HUGE part of the

experience of self-gaslighting.

I’m Sarah Morales, the host of this podcast, and I’m so glad you’re here! If you’re new to the pod and want to know a bit more about me and the offerings I have to help people heal from the effects of chronic gaslighting, please check out my website.

Story Time: Sarah explains how making concessions is often where we end up after living in the land of shoulds. She gives definitions and real-life examples to show how we do this all. the. time!

Top Take-Aways:

1. Recognize that making concessions is not only self-gaslighting, it’s self-abandonment. Create a mantra for yourself that is something like, “I do not abandon myself to make others happy”.
2. Pay attention to any time you say, “maybe I...”, or “at least they…” and ask yourself, am I making a concession here?
3. Remind yourself that relationships are not a game of limbo. If you are basically seeing yourself in "how low can you go" mode, give yourself permission to stop and begin doing the work of shoring up your boundaries and raising your bar!

I wanted to remind you of the different offering I have on my website that help you recognize gaslighting in ALL the areas of your life. Check them out or even schedule a free consultation with me to talk about what programs are the best fit for you in your situation or relationships.

I invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m most active on Facebook and Instagram.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode.  If you found it helpful and want to help me get it in the hands of more people who could benefit from it, please leave a review and subscribe. Additionally, if you can think of one person in specific who could benefit, please share it with them. 

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Do you “should all over yourself”? I remember one of the first times my wise mama said something to that effect. “I try not to should all over myself.” It wasn’t until quite a few years later that I connected the dots to that saying and self-gaslighting. Here’s the thing though, while I try to avoid using the word, “should”. It’s not ALWAYS self-gaslighting. So, when IS it self-gaslighting and when isn’t it?  

In today’s episode, I’m going to get into the nitty gritty of self-gaslighting and the should, and help you spot the signs of this experience.

I’m Sarah Morales, the host of this podcast, and I’m so glad you’re here! If you’re new to the pod and want to know a bit more about me and the offerings I have to help people heal from the effects of chronic gaslighting, please check out my website.

Story Time: Sarah revisits her definition of GASLIGHTING, the definition of should, and shares a funny analogy about donuts to explain the difference between when should is and is not self-gaslighting.

Top Take-Aways:

1. Try to remove the words should/shouldn’t from your vocabulary. Try this instead: "Because I value my health, I’m choosing to not get that donut, even though I want it."
2. When you do say “should”, ask yourself where that judgement/sense of obligation is coming from, and ask yourself, "what are MY authentic thoughts/beliefs/feelings about this?"
3. When in doubt, look to your values. For example, “I should be grateful”. Do I value gratitude? Yes. Do I give it unconditionally? No. I am not grateful for poor treatment, even if the other person expects me to be. I am not grateful for gifts with strings attached, etc. YOU DEFINE YOU and how you live out your values.

I wanted to remind you of the different offering I have on my website that help you recognize GASLIGHTING in ALL the areas of your life. Check them out or even schedule a free consultation with me to talk about what programs are the best fit for you in your situation or relationships.

I invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

Thank you, my listener, for listening to today’s episode. And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

What comes to mind for you when I say the words, “Self-Gaslighting”? For some of us, we automatically resonate, and know that we have, indeed, done this to ourselves. For others, the old definition of gaslighting we may know brings resistance, as we can’t help but hear some sort of victim blaming. In my practice, the MOST powerful transformations have happened when people have understood the way we “self-gaslight”, have broken the power those messages had over them, and rewrote the narrative. This topic of self-gaslighting is so important, I’m dedicating the whole month of May to it. I’m calling this living in the land of shoulds.

In today’s episode, I’m going to explain just what self-gaslighting is, and the two main ways it happens.

I’m Sarah Morales, the host of this podcast, and I’m so glad you’re here! If you’re new to the pod and want to know a bit more about me and the offerings I have to help people heal from the effects of chronic gaslighting, please check out my website.

Story Time: Sarah talks about the main principles of self-gaslighting - giving examples of direct and indirect origins, and how (and why) those messages get internalized/become self-directed gaslighting messages.

Top Take-Aways:

1. Get curious about statements that drive you, but don’t come from a place of love and acceptance of yourself – statements like, “I’m not enough” or “I’m too much”.
2. Ask yourself, “If I could hear what my authentic self would say to me about this belief, what would they say?”
3. Get curious about the origins of any of these statements. Did someone say something to you directly that you internalized? Did you extrapolate meaning from your surroundings?
4. Make a pledge to yourself to do your best to not be “self-directing” with any gaslighting statements.

I wanted to remind you of the different offering I have on my website that help you recognize gaslighting in ALL the areas of your life. Check them out or even schedule a free consultation with me to talk about what programs are the best fit for you in your situation or relationships.

I invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Did you experience gaslighting in your family of origin? While most of my clients find me to help heal from the gaslighting they’ve experienced in their intimate partnership, almost every single one eventually begins to see how the gaslighting they’ve endured goes all the way back to things that happened in their childhood. Today, I’ve brought on an old friend and colleague whose experiences in this realm will help you see the impact this type of gaslighting has on so many of us.

Welcome to Deconstructing Gaslighting the podcast. I’m your host, Sarah Morales. And if you’re new here, welcome. I’m so glad you’re here. I hope that the resources I have on my podcast and website help you find clarity, empowerment, and healing.

My guest today is Christy Kane of Soul Work Counseling.

Story Time: Sarah and Christy have a candid conversation around the GASLIGHTING Christy endured at the hands of her family of origin, and it's profound impact throughout her life.

Top Take-Aways:

1. If you're trying to decide about which route to take with your family of origin - either cutting them out of your life or trying the boundaries route: look out for the "shoulds". Like, "I should let them stay with me when they visit", etc.
2. Give yourself permission to reassess your boundaries periodically/as needed.
3. Remind yourself of the "broken chair analogy".

If you want to understand more about the ways GASLIGHTING has shown up in your life, and robbed you of knowing yourself, loving yourself, and trusting yourself, check out my and Chrity’s websites. We both have offerings that will help you break the hold self-GASLIGHTING has had over you and help you step into that Radical self-love.

I also invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

When you stop and do the math, what consumes most of your time? When you think about the relationships that may involve GASLIGHTING, what makes the top of your list? Was work your first or second response? If not, it might need to be. So today I’m going to talk just a little bit about GASLIGHTING in the work environment.

I’m Sarah Morales, the host of this podcast, and I wanted to let you know about a FREE summit that is happening right now. The 2024 Choose Connection Summit. It’s theme this year is: Strengthened by the Storm. This summit is the only one I am speaking at this year that is primarily focused on couples working on healing from the trauma of secret betrayal. If this is you, I encourage you to jump on this opportunity while it’s still FREE, and hear from not only me, but many other of the worlds’ leading experts in this field.

Story Time: Sarah has fun sharing the lyrics from the song, "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton, while also sharing some things to be aware of when trying to notice GASLIGHTING in your work environments.

GASLIGHTING in the workplace can be a very real, very disempowering, abusive experience. It causes confusion, depression, anxiety; it can take an intelligent, confident, super-qualified person and reduce them to a person who questions whether any decision they make it the right one or will be “good enough”.

Top Take-Aways:

• Look for ways DARVO may show up in the work world.
• Remember it's not always between your boss/management & you - OFTEN it’s between coworkers.
• Remember to stay connected to what you know to be true. Keep a record of what was said, when, by whom. Whether you do anything with this information or not depends on a LOT of the potential fallout of your actions.
• The main point is to not lose yourself and take on the other people’s perceptions. This is what will help you not get stuck in toxic work environments longer than you have to.

As I wrap up today, I wanted to remind you of the different offering I have on my website that help you recognize GASLIGHTING in ALL the areas of your life. Check them out or even schedule a free consultation with me to talk about what programs are the best fit for you in your situation or relationships.

I invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Welcome to Deconstructing Gaslighting the podcast. I’m your host, Sarah Morales. Today’s episode may be one of the most difficult I’ve ever done, and that’s because the topic is SO TRICKY. It’s also super, super important. So, I’m going to ask that you hang with us for a bit. If it feels like a sensitive topic to you, I invite you to give my guest and I just five to ten minutes to see our hearts and hear how we unpack today’s topic. That topic is about the ways GASLIGHTING and religion intersects, and the myriad of ways that’s playing out in both our individual and corporate lives.

Bio: My guest today is no stranger to the pod... Ms. Jenni Rochelle!

Story Time: Sarah and Jenni start by talking about the difference between faith (a belief) and religion (a system), in the hopes of setting the stage for a safe place to ask the questions and challenge any toxicity we may see in the religious systems we find ourselves in. They share some of the most common ways people experience religious GASLIGHTING/abuse.

Top Take-Aways:

1. Look for signs of religious gaslighting: feeling a LOT of fear, shame or coercion; experiencing isolation/being told not to trust “non-believers”; inconsistency in messaging and/or inconsistency between messaging and living things out; the dogma of there being only one “right” way (values; how to be a good person, etc.) and look for incongruence in yourself – when you can’t “shake” a bad feeling in your gut/soul/body
2. Give yourself permission to ask questions… and keep asking them and seek out answers from a variety of sources – not just ones that will reinforce what you’ve been told already by your “leaders”.
3. Be willing/ready to sit in the cognitive dissonance that this kind of work creates – that means you’re doing the work! Trust that the process will bring you to truth.

If you want to understand more about the ways gaslighting has shown up in your life, and robbed you of knowing yourself, loving yourself, and trusting yourself, check out my website. I have offerings that will help you break the hold religious GASLIGHTING has had over you and help you step into self-trust and Radical self-love.

I invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

This episode is going to be a tough one. Today my guest and I are going to talk about racial and cultural gaslighting. I say this is going to be a tough one, because as a white woman who, for the majority of her life, lived as a white, cis-gender, heterosexual, Christian woman, I was near the top of privilege – EVEN though I didn’t know it. And that’s kind of the point – when we are gaslit, we don’t realize we’ve taken on other people’s thoughts, beliefs, values, feelings, or perspectives as our own. So, we need to have this conversation to bring awareness to places we’ve either experienced or been an unintentional part of perpetuating the system that gaslights the Bipoc community.

I want to get my message of clarity and hope around gaslighting in front of more people. If you know of a podcast or conference where my messages would benefit the listeners/attendees, will you email me here and let me know?

My guest today is Tara Beall-Gomes. Check out her website here!

Story Time: Sarah and Tara discuss a variety of ways gaslighting and racial discrimination intersect. It’s important to note that they are doing this as two white women who are trying to learn and be a part of the change. Their hearts are to help raise awareness on this important topic!

Top Take-Aways: (For white people)

• Don’t be "colorblind". To see color means, I see you. 
• Wait to be assigned allyship.  We can’t just assign that label to ourselves.
• Get educated/training…. Get involved.
• Share spaces with our Bipoc people.

More about the Deconstructing Gaslighting training and certification for therapists and life coaches. The aim is to create a standard of care for people who have been impacted by gaslighting experiences. If you want to heal from the effects of gaslighting, AND you already have a coach or therapist, I encourage you to advocate for yourself and tell them you’d love it if THEY could support you and guide you as you go through my programs. They can do this by going through the training. IF you are a coach or therapist, I encourage you to go check out the webpage that goes into detail about what you’ll get in the training.

I’d love to interact with you! We can do that on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. If you’d like to follow Tara, she is on Facebook and Instagram.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Welcome to Deconstructing Gaslighting the podcast, and welcome to a new month, with a new theme. This month we’re going to be exploring different areas or relationships people experience gaslighting in, and we’re going to start with the one that people are typically MOST aware of – gaslighting in their intimate partnership. And I’m REALLY excited today, because I’m brining on a woman who gives representation to a demographic that is sorely under-represented – but whatever demographic you find yourself in, I’m sure you’re going to be able to relate to things she share about the gaslighting she experienced in her 43 year marriage.  

Thank you for being a part of this community. I’d love for you to follow me AND interact with me on your preferred social media platform where we can interact… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

Story Time: Sarah and her guest, Pat, talk about what is was like for Pat to experience GASLIGHTING in her over 40 years of marriage!

Top Take-Aways: Things that I thought could be some take-aways from my and Pat’s conversation:

Notice when you’re putting all your focus on the other person, and instead focus on yourself!

1. Ask yourself the “better question” – what is and is not okay with me in this relationship
2. When you look at the amount of work your person is putting into the relationship and their own healing, ask yourself, is it enough for me?
3. If/when they say they’re doing their best, remind yourself that just because it’s their best, that doesn’t mean it has to be good enough for you.
4. Learn to be the love of your own life.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Welcome to Deconstructing Gaslighting the podcast, I’m your host, Sarah Morales, and today’s episode it going to be a bit different.

On Tuesday of last week, I put the final touches on my next speaking opportunity at a summit. The theme of the summit is post-traumatic growth, and my title, "I no longer fear the storm". Irony can be a bitch, because on Wednesday – the very next day – a bomb my ex built probably 15 years ago blew up.

So today I wanted to talk a bit about what it’s been like for me the past few days, and the observations I have about how allllll the work that I’ve been doing for the past 13 years is serving me – big time! Side note, if you're interested, my talk with be at the Daring Ventures Summit.

Top Take-Aways:

• Reminder/experience solidarity - that you are NOT alone
• Feel inspiration or hope
• What can we learn from Sarah's post-traumatic growth?
• SUPPORT TEAM is CRUCIAL
• SELF-CARE is a must
• HEALTHY DISTRACTION, spending time in your ZONE OF COMPETENCE/GENIUS
• Give yourself PERMISSION TO FUNCTION AT LOWER LEVELS
• BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
• Try giving GOOD, CLEAR COMMUNICATION - especially around things you have AWARENESS OF around your TRAUMA SYMPTOMS
• Find/gather INFORMATION THAT LEADS TO EMPOWERMENT

I wanted to let any new listeners know about the many resources I have on my website.

I also wanted to invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform, where we can connect and even interact! I’m on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

How much did you talk about sex and human sexuality growing up? What were the messages you got about sex and sexuality religiously, culturally, or even racially? I imagine MANY of you were like me and didn’t necessarily have many direct conversations about sex and sexuality, but oh were the messages you received culturally and religious LOUD!

So, today, my guest and I are going to talk about how gaslighting has impacted the way so many of us think and feel about sex and human sexuality. My hope for this episode is to raise awareness, help us step out of any shame or messages of “not enough” we may carry, and be freer to be in alignment with our authentic self when it comes to sex and our sexuality.

Bio: My guest today is MJ Denis, a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Texas. She is also an AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist and an APSATS-Certified Partner Trauma Specialist.

Story Time: Sarah and MJ talk about the way gaslighting and sexual issues intersect. From "Purity culture" to how many times a week you have sex with your intimate partner - they cover a lot of relevant topics with both candidness and education.

 Top Take-Aways:

1. Look for signs of gaslighting around sex and sexuality by specifically paying attention to confusion and self-doubt.
2. Practice communication with your partner (when it's safe to do so).
3. Look for cognitive dissonance (feeling like you have to choose between either self-abandonment and keeping the relationship OR staying connected to your truth and losing the relationship).

If you want to understand more about the ways gaslighting has shown up in your life, and robbed you of knowing yourself, loving yourself, and trusting yourself, check out the programs I offer on my website. If you want to know more about ETT and the therapy MJ offers, go to her website.

And here is my weekly invitation for you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. Those are the spaces where you can leave comments, and we can interact, and I would really enjoy having conversations with my podcast listeners!

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.