Deconstructing Gaslighting™

"It is literally impossible to be a woman. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow, we're always doing it wrong.

"You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So, find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! (Abridged quote from "Barbie")

Greta Gerwig, in an interview with The Atlantic said: "I was just sobbing, and then I looked around, and I realized everybody’s crying on the set. The men are crying too, because they have their own speech, they feel they can’t ever give, you know? And they have their twin tightrope, which is also painful."

So today my guest and I are going to dive into the topic of double standards, based on our genders.

If you’re new here, I wanted to let you know about the FREE webinar I have on my website. It’s a video that teaches you about the necessary foundations and a format you can follow to give you the ability to stay connected to yourself while having to communicate with your gaslighter. You can find that on my website.

Story Time: Sarah and Collen have a fun, sassy, and in-depth conversation connecting GASLIGHTING with the way double standards are perpetuated.

Top Take-Aways:

• "I give myself permission" to get curious around where my thoughts, values, feelings & perspectives are coming from when there are double standards present.
• Remember - you don't have to do anything immediately about what you learn/find out - just find out!
• Don't let YOURSELF be limited by the double standards people are trying to put on you!

I wanted to invite you interact with me on your preferred social media platform… Facebook, Instagram or TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

There was this popular video from the Daily Show where Desi talks about how she’s trying to understand the male experience better by acting like a man: getting paid more for no reason, interrupting people more, mansplaining, and gaslighting via invalidating the other person’s feelings and telling them to calm down & don’t act crazy. And while it is funny, it’s taking on a serious topic – misogyny. In today’s episode, I have a special guest who is doing ground-breaking work on the topic of a VERY specific type of domestic abuse. She has named this Betrayal Violence. And we’re going to dig into not only what misogyny is, but unapologetically talk about internalized misogyny.   

If you’re new here, I wanted to encourage you to go to my website and sign up for my newsletter – that way you can be in the know about any conferences I’m speaking at, specials I’m running, or new programs I’m releasing. And whether you’re new here or been with me since the beginning, I’m so glad you’re here.

Bio: My guest today is Hope Ray, of the Betrayal Violence Institute (website)

Story Time: Sarah and Hope discuss the difference between misogyny, chauvinism and sexism, and get curious about how misogyny and internalize misogyny show up - and, most importantly, how we can unknowingly perpetuate it.

• Chauvinism: the unreasonable belief in the superiority or dominance of one's own group or people, who are seen as strong and virtuous, while others are considered weak, unworthy, or inferior.
• Sexism: the belief that the members of one sex are less intelligent, able, skilful, etc. than the members of the other sex, especially that women are less able than men Internalized misogyny is a subconscious way of degrading yourself and other women based on sexist ideas of how women should act, dress or speak. Women who experience internalized misogyny may minimize the value of women, mistrust women, and believe gender bias in favor of men. It also causes women to shame, doubt, and undervalue themselves and others of their gender.

Top Take-Aways: (5-10 min)

• How to respond when we are witnessing/having misogyny directed at us - “Zero tolerance” – don’t ignore, explain away, make concession. ***Don’t have to be confrontative – boundaries for yourself (remove yourself from the situation, have a safe place prepped, etc.)
• Know when to leave.
• Internalized misogyny: try to recognize if we are perpetuating these belief systems.
• What can we do to help change things? Get involved: advocate, lift up/support other women, join a cause, march, etc.
• Recognize privilege/comparison/gender roles, etc.
• Get curious about how you view yourself, women, your values concerning women and gender roles, etc.        

If you'd like to connect with us, you can follow me on Instagram, Fackebook, and TikTok. You can also follow Hope Ray on Instagram, Fackebook, and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, You’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

I have yet to know a human who has not made concessions in at least one of their relationships – between the gaslighting that we experience in our families, religious establishments, society, friendships, and intimate partners, it’s near impossible to not internalize things that cause us to doubt the validity of our desires and needs, and when that has happened, what is and is not okay in a relationship becomes blurry… so we settle… and so, so many of us end up lowering our bar in our relationships. In fact, I’ve had many clients sadly say their bar ended up on the ground. Today, my guest and I are going to share stories and insights from our own lives, and in doing so, hope to inspire you to Raise your bar sis!

In case you missed it last week, I have got a REALLY exciting offering for you today! I am about to partner with WORTH to do a special adaptation of my empowerment program. In this class, you get LIVE teaching & LIVE Q and A time with me, and you get to do this with other women whose questions and insights will add to your own journey. Can’t make the live class? You can watch the recordings, submit your questions via an online document, and I’ll answer your question in the next class! All this for about 1/3 the cost of what it would be to do a group cohort with me. If you’re interested, please go here. Class begins March 6th. 

Story Time: Sarah and Annie talk about times that they made concessions and settled for less than you wanted and/or needed, and ended up lowering their bar. From exes, to new people they were dating, to friendships and jobs - what happened, WHY it happened, and how they learned how to stop self-abandoning and making concessions!

Top Take-Aways:

• If self-love feels too big, start with self-acceptance; and if self-acceptance feels too big, start with self-awareness.
• Externalize your relationship with yourself, and then view that relationship like you do the people you love - are you loving yourself well - FIRST?
• Set mutuality/reciprocity as the place you set your bar - don't settle for less than you give.

If you want to understand more about the ways gaslighting has shown up in your life and robbed you of being able to be free to be you (and make those concessions), check out my website. I have a number of offerings that will help you break the hold gaslighting has had over you and help you step into that Radical self-love.

Also, please follow me on your preferred social media platform, and connect with me there! I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, and feedback, and that is where we can do that! I’m on Facebook, Instagram, and Tiktok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

“I hate how often you are forced to define yourself by your marriage status… now I have to check the ‘divorced’ box on whatever form I’m filling out. But all they give you is a box. No place to clarify. No place to explain… only a label.” Suzanne Reeves. Only a label.

Single. Married. Divorced. Or even, “It’s complicated” lol. All of us, at least at one point in our lives, was single. So, one would think it is a completely normal and valid way of living or phase of life. And yet – not only has being single been presented as being “less than”, it’s also a label that has been slapped on people and made them to feel “other”. So today my guest and I are going to talk about the mountains of gaslighting messages that intersect with being “single”.

I have got a REALLY exciting offering for you today! If you have ever thought about or wanted to go through my empowerment program, but were on the fence about it, now is the time to sign up, and here’s why. Twice a year I do a special adaptation as I partner with WORTH. I take my 12-lesson program and condense it into an eight-week class for about 1/3 the cost of what it would normally be to do a group cohort with me. If you’re interested, please go to WORTH Education Series | WORTH to learn more and register. The class begins March 6th. 

My guest today is Heidi Monuteaux. Heidi is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) and provides services for those who reside in Washington State, Idaho and Utah.

Story Time:  

• Reminder: gaslighting is when we end up taking on thoughts, feelings, perspectives, beliefs, and values as our own, at the hands of hidden behaviors.
• Overarchingly, gaslighting around our marriage status occurs the most through brainwashing/indoctrination, coercion and manipulation.
• Pay special attention to minimization of a single person’s fulfillment/happiness.

Top Take-Aways:

• Give yourself permission to call out the GASLIGHT-Y things people say (they don't have to be evil).
• Get curious about how YOU have thought about your worthiness as a single person vs being in an intimate partnership.
• Define: alone, content, happy, fulfilled, etc. - for yourself!
• Figure out what YOU want your life to look like and define that for yourself!

If you want to understand more about the ways gaslighting has shown up in your life and robbed you of being able to be free to be you, check out my and Heidi’s websites. We both have offerings that will help you break the hold gaslighting has had over you and help you step into that Radical self-love.

Follow me and Heidi on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok; Heidi is on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, You’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Love is an interesting thing. As both a word and a concept, it can be confusing, full of pressure, unrealistic expectations, and loss – AND, there are SO many ways we experience GASLIGHTING around what love is, how we should love, WHO we should love, where we find love, etc. And today, my guest and I will dive in to talk about the impact GASLIGHTING has had on this thing we call “LOVE”.

If you want to be in the know about special deals on my programs, new things I’m launching, conferences I’ll be speaking at, and lots of other helpful information and tools, sign up for my newsletter by visiting my website.

Bio: My guest today is Jenni Rochelle. Jenni is the creator of Love of Your Life Coaching - she is a life coach, mentor and spiritual director for women and couples healing from relational trauma BUT still want happy, healthy and intimate relationships with themselves and others. She is the host of the Beauty After Betrayal podcast with new episodes coming in 2024!

Story Time: Sarah and Jenni talk about a number of ways GASLIGHTING has impacted this thing we call love - from the notion of "love of my life" to "Twin Flames" to misogynistic undertones.

 Top Take-Aways:

• You get to define love, by getting clear on the values that you would use to describe what love does/says, etc.
• Use bell hook's definition of love as "guardrails"/goals: "“Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.”
• Protect yourself from "Love-bombing" by not falling for the message that safe love = boring.

If you want to understand more about the ways gaslighting has shown up in your life, and robbed you of knowing yourself, loving yourself, and trusting yourself, check out my and Jenni’s websites.

I encourage you to follow me and Jenni on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, and Jenni is on Instagram.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, You’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

The theme this month is: LOVE. This is going to be a month of unpacking a few of the top ways I see the topic of “LOVE” and Gaslighting intersecting. AND we’re going to start it off with an amazing colleague that put up a post on social media that read, “embracing your authentic self without fear of rejection can be accomplished when you stop rejecting yourself first.”

Can you relate to that statement at all? I messaged her immediately and said, “This! This is what I want to talk about on the pod!”.

If you want to be in the know about special deals on my programs, new things I’m launching, conferences I’ll be speaking at, and lots of other helpful information and tools, sign up for my newsletter here.

Bio: My guest today is Amie Woolsey. Amie Woolsey is a certified betrayal trauma life coach and Brainspotting Practitioner. She has helped hundreds of people reclaim their lives after abuse, betrayal & or divorce, using her extensive experience and holistic approach to healing the heart, mind, and body. There are multiple resources available created by Amie, alongside opportunities for both group and private coaching. Amie is the co-host of The Choose to BE Podcast, creator and host of The Empowered Divorce Podcast, is affiliated with Safe Space, and creator of her signature program, Believing In You, Divorce 101 and Intimacy Within.

Story Time: Sarah and Amie have a candid conversation about a variety of ways external gaslighting led to internalizing those messages, which resulted in a variety of ways they rejected themselves... AND about a few key things that helped them in their journey BACK to themselves.

Top Take-Aways:

• There were a number of take-aways throughout the episode, but here I'll list the three pillars Amie mentioned as her pillars of coaching. They are: Awareness, Acceptance, and Agency.
• Awareness = getting curious when we are "spinning" and feeling uncertain;
• Acceptance = the release of self-judgement;
• Agency = when we accept we gain clarity, and are able to move into changing any behaviors we want to.

If you want to understand more about the ways gaslighting has shown up in your life, and robbed you of knowing yourself, loving yourself, and trusting yourself, check out my and Amie’s websites. We both have offerings that will help you break the hold self-gaslighting has had over you and help you step into that Radical self-love.

I encourage you to follow me and Amie on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. Amie is also on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, You’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

This is a story about control, my control. Control of what I say, control of what I do. And this time I'm gonna do it my way. For those of you too young to recognize those opening phrases, that’s from Janet Jackson’s song, “Control”. Not only is being called “controlling”, or some version of that sentiment, one of the most used gaslighting phrases I’ve heard, most people who experience chronic gaslighting have very LITTLE control.

In today’s episode, I’m going to unpack how the way I work with gaslighting helps my clients move into an energy of, “you’re damn right I’m controlling”.

If you missed it, you have one more day to get 50% off my Deconstructing Gaslighting Awareness video course by using the code: Season2Pod. The code expires February 1st.

This week, I wanted to talk about how the focus I have around gaslighting enables us to step into a much more empowered place when we are dealing with someone who is doing gaslighting behaviors, or if we’ve left that relationship, how we can take back what we lost.

• The scale of progression of effects:
• Confusion to self-doubt to internal conflict (cognitive dissonance) to being overwhelmed/worn out to giving in/discard reality to loss of self.
• Loss of self = knowing self (values, wants, needs), trusting self (boundaries), loving self, and connection to self (personality)

Other definitions = main focus is intent and behaviors of the gaslighter. The gaslightee is secondary. My definition = focus is EQUAL.

Old definition = things we can’t be certain of (intent and level of awareness of another person). My definition = focus on thigs WE can know (behaviors and impact on us).

Car analogy – One scenario, two experiences. One where the person is gaslit and has no control; the other is an example of being in control. Control of ourselves, our safety, our awareness, and of what we do and do not allow in our relationships.

Top Take-Aways:

• "The more gaslighting I experience, the more I lose connection with myself. I am NOT alone in this. I do not need to feel ANY shame for this.
• While it’s important to recognize gaslighting when it’s happening, the MORE important thing to be aware of is ME – what I need for my safety; what I am thinking/feeling/needing/wanting; what I am and am NOT okay with in any relationship.
• "When it comes to my well-being, you’re damn right I’m controlling – it’s my sacred self-responsibility!"

Don't forget about my DG Conversations webinar. Here I take you through my R2C2 process,

which is Resolve, Connect, Release, and Confidence. If you resonated with a lot

of what I spoke about today, then this is for you – and it’s FREE.

I invite you to follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Do you ever wonder if the behavior another person is doing is a gaslighting behavior or something else? Many of the old definitions of gaslighting are vague, and as a result, have generated a lot of confusion and mis-labeling. Sometimes, people ARE doing gaslighting behaviors. Sometimes, they’re just being an asshole. In this episode, I’ll give you some beginning tips to help you sort out what is what.  

If you missed it last week, I’m running a special until January 31, where you can get 50% off my Deconstructing Gaslighting Awareness video course by using the code: Season2Pod.

Last week I talked about my new definition, and how it helps us see that gaslighting CAN be gaslighting BOTH when someone is intentionally doing it AND when they don’t realize they’re doing it.

This week let’s talk about what it takes for something to be gaslighting vs the person is just straight-up being an asshole.

• My definition = behavior & experience
• Behavior has to be covert = hidden
• The gaslighter doesn’t have to be aware that what they are doing is a covert behavior - it can be a learned behavior, a defense mechanism to shame or fear, as well as a number of other things.
• Experience has to be CONVINCED or take on the gaslighter's perceptions/beliefs/thoughts/feelings – as your own
• Two ways something that is NOT gaslighting, but is mistaken for it:

1. The intended victim doesn’t bend; they don’t take on what the gaslighting person is trying to convince them of
2. The behavior the “offender” is doing, while maybe mean/cruel/abusive, it NOT covert.

Top Take-Aways: (5-10 min)

1. So much of what happens with gaslighting results in confusion and self-doubt. I propose a top take-away is that the more you know and understand about gaslighting, the less likely you are to get sucked into gaslighting experiences.
2. Reflecting on the second example I gave, and how the woman did NOT bend, I suggest using this question when you are confused or feeling that self-doubt: "Whether or not I’m 100% correct in my thoughts/beliefs/perspective, how would a loving, caring, thoughtful (partner, friend, parent) respond?"
3. A mantra for self-validation and grounding yourself in truth: “Whether my person is gaslighting me or just being an asshole, this behavior is not okay. I deserve to be loved well.”

If you want to understand more about the things I’ve been talking about in my

podcast this month, go purchase my Deconstructing Gaslighting Awareness video

series. It’s just $22.50 US, and you can get immediate access from my website.

AND, through the month of January, you can get it at 50% off! Use promo code

Season2Pod.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or Tiktok.

Remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, You’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

A little over three months ago, a colleague sent me a link to a post where the author said, “Gaslighting is intentionally psychologically manipulating someone else into questioning their own sanity and/or reality. It is impossible for victims to gaslight themselves.” I deliberated as to whether or not I should jump into the conversation. I did. And I ended up being blacklisted. In today’s episode, I’ll share some of the misconceptions about gaslighting that fueled this poster’s views, and why my views are shaking up the gaslighting world (I think, for the best!).

I’m Sarah Morales, the host of this podcast, and to go along with this month’s theme of “New”, and understanding the new ways my views of gaslighting can impact your life or the life of someone that you love, I’m running a special for the rest of January. From now until January 31, get 50% off my Deconstructing Gaslighting Awareness video course by using the code: Season2Pod.

Let’s break this down:

• Old definition of GASLIGHTING = level of awareness & motive + vague behavior = small picture of effect/impact.
• THIS IS A LIMITING DEFINTION
• Lundy Bancroft, the author of “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,” said, “Abusive behavior and an abusive mindset are two different things. The former is a choice, while the latter is a deeply ingrained belief system.” 1

•  New definition/my definition = type of behavior (covert) = clear description of effect/impact
• This definition is expansive; allows for MORE people to find understanding, validation, etc.

• People don’t want to let go = somehow invalidating their trauma and/or abuse.
• When people gaslight = harm, regardless of level of awareness/intention, etc.

Top Take-Aways:

• What comes up as I talked about my new definition, and the fact that a gaslighter does NOT have to be intentionally trying to break/control you?
• Dig a little deeper – what is behind those thoughts/feelings? For example, if you’re feeling resistant, and thinking they have to be aware/doing it intentionally, ask yourself, “Why does that matter? What would be different if they weren’t aware? Would that change how you have to respond? Would that mean you’d have to have different boundaries, etc.?
• Consider what you know about gaslighting, and what you NEED to know, in order to get clarity about your relationships.
• A mantra for self-validation: No matter the level of awareness or intention, it doesn’t change that I don’t accept gaslighting behaviors in my relationships.

If you want to understand more about the different reasons people do gaslighting behaviors and the different levels of awareness, sign up for my Deconstructing Gaslighting Awareness video series. Through the month of January, you can get it at 50% off! Use promo code Season2Pod.

Follow me on your preferred social media platform… I’m on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.

Thank you, and remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, You’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.

Welcome back to DG the podcast, and welcome TO season 2! I’m super excited to bring a different flavor to the way I talk about gaslighting and its connection to so many different aspects of our lives!

The theme this month is: NEW – as in new ways to understand and talk about GASLIGHTING! And today, we’re starting off with a HUGE bang as I interview one of the men in recovery that I have been working with for the past five years! Think people who gaslight can’t change – this interview will help you see that MANY (though definitely not ALL) can!

I’m Sarah Morales, the host of this podcast, and if you want to be in the know about special deals on my programs, new things I’m launching, conferences I’ll be speaking at, and lots of other helpful information and tools, sign up for my newsletter by visiting my website here.

The guest today is Jeremy, a man in recovery, and has been sober for 10 years!

Story Time: Sarah and Jeremy talk about things that were at the root of Jeremy’s gaslighting, things that helped him understand what he was doing and the impact, and some word of encouragement for both the gaslighter and gaslightee!

Top Take-Aways:

• Getting out of all or nothing/black and white thinking about gaslighters.
• People have options about their relationships with people who do gaslighting behaviors.
• There is hope that some (not all) gaslighters can heal and change.

Action Steps:

• Education about gaslighting & holding boundaries.

As I wrap up today, I wanted to let you know that if you want to understand more about the different reasons people may do gaslighting behaviors as well as the different levels of awareness, I go into great detail in my Deconstructing Gaslighting Awareness video series. It’s just $22.50 US.

I encourage you to follow me on your preferred social media platform: Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok.

And remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, you’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.