Drag Them, Queen

Money is back with Sarah, and the ladies pick up right where they left off. Sarah tells the horrifying story of her dog getting sick from being fed people food over Thanksgiving. The ladies somehow shift to discussing holiday gifting, and they both agree edibles are the gift that keep on giving. Dating during the holiday season becomes tough when it comes to presents, so Sarah brings up the Golden Rule: Do not buy gifts for someone you are not in a relationship with. Money doesn’t know what Cuffing Season means, and apparently Sarah doesn’t either. They get on the topic of Yellowstone, Selling Sunset, and terrible Hallmark Christmas movies. Oh, and someone is wearing her contractor’s sweatshirt!

Sarah sits down with her new friend, Victoria. Vic is newly separated and living her best life with the “Chads.” She discusses her recent dating ventures and how someone walked in on her having relations with Chad 1. Vic realizes Chad 1 is getting too attached, so Chad 2 arrives just in time to keep the balance in check. Sarah and Vic consider going lesbian to avoid the men drama, but the swag keeps bringing them back in. “Brenda” slides into Vic’s DMs all the time, but she is engaged and in an open relationship. The ladies talk about sharing home videos at dinner, married men engaging in prostitution rings, and maybe a Part 2! Ring Ring! You’re on the Thot Line. 

Lucky and Sarah are together again, just in time to bitch about driving on the highway, long exit lanes, and going slow in parking garages. The conversation takes a turn (shocker), and the ladies discuss having a baby in a car or shooting one out of a vagina on the sidewalk. Speaking on medical topics, Sarah brings up her sheer embarrassment of holding up the line at the pharmacy. She was only getting eye drops! Both Lucky and Sarah have stories about injuries that lead to something pretty gross. Unfortunately, there were people around to witness these events. If you’re into puking, this episode is really gonna get you right!

Money starts off the episode by explaining that her dog’s waist is getting snatched and ready for Summer ‘22. Sarah and Money discuss “Golden Penis Syndrome,” also known as GPS, where men have too many options in women, leaving them with big heads. This new term is closely related to the ‘old cow, new cow’ theory from Someone Like You, where “the bull always wants some strange.” Sarah decides she’s not looking for anyone new, but just in case, she reviews the ways to find men naturally. There may be an experiment in the future. Money and Sarah weigh in on catching colds and covid through their eyes, but y’all can be the judge of that! 

Sarah sits down with Lucky, and they begin by reminiscing on past Halloweens. Lucky brings up her infamous cat suits and the day their old boss saw her walking down the street at 8am with her boobies out. Would it have been worse to zip up the suit and cover the pasties? They weigh the options. Sarah discusses Ho-llaween and how she used to dress up as a moderate ho. The ladies agree Sarah’s chain gang costume from college was the real MVP. Lucky talks about her recent trip to the dentist and her flossing routine. She calls Sarah out for only flossing a few times a week. The healthy chompers debate begins. The ladies somehow get on the topic of Oprah and realize she’s the OG of cancel culture. Buckle up!

Sarah and Money rehash their reunion from Saturday night and the oddities intermixed in the evening. The ladies start by calling out the Clarion in Morgan City and how sketchy the linemen were that were staying there. Sarah targets the yellow stains on her comforter, and Money figures that’s what you get for $80. The ladies dish on classmates, and Sarah recalls a rumor and tries to get to the bottom of it. After much group discussion, it was revealed that said rumor was true, but Sarah got the girls mixed up. Thank God she didn’t approach the wrong person! There was an afterparty of sorts, but the real afterparty was when Sarah almost got TAKEN by a straggler standing by her hotel room! DRAMA!

Sarah brings “T” onto the show, and he discusses his time on the downlow as a gay man, until his early twenties. He talks about his first experience with a man, which was in high school, and the other guy was in the closet…and still is. T debates a past polyamorous relationship and considers the Neapolitan Theory. He unmasks the $30,000 millionaires with Gucci loafers that live in Dallas and how everyone loves big hair and themselves. “Are ankles the new cleavage?” Sarah breaks down the art of the nude, and T says to stop with the starfish photos! Sarah and T chat about judgmental looks by strangers and how they wanna tell off people who “1-10” them. 

Sarah welcomes Money back to the show, and they update each other on their usual shenanigans. Sarah discusses her recent weight gain and how she had to go up 2 sizes at Zara. What’s up with their fit model?! The ladies talk about cleanses and diets, and Sarah will update everyone on her progress. The dating term “breadcrumbing” is brought up, so Money and Sarah compare notes on men who give a little and never follow through. How many chances are too many? The ladies’ conversation leads to YouTube, and Sarah recalls her real-life version of “Scarlett Takes a Tumble.” Don’t worry, she’s fine!

Money and Sarah break down the new season of Jailbirds, which happens to take place in New Orleans. The ladies get into toilet talk, and an inmate starts a fight by saying, “You look like Diddy Kong, and you on your last life.” Money and Sarah are instantly obsessed, especially after meeting Jamie, who has 9 fingers, but when her digit was removed, she was able to keep her “THUG” tattoo. Age hits the inmates hard, and so our advice: don’t do drugs, kids! Also, don’t “run up on knives.” Money reminisces on her night in jail and how she had to pull her cot down the hallway. Then she tells us the story of almost getting arrested in New Orleans, but she got out of that charge! Y’all don’t wanna sleep on this!

Sarah takes a deep dive into the Gabby Petito case, and she admits to hours of investigation on Reddit and Twitter. Lo gets updated on the details of the case, and the ladies agree that Brian Laundrie is a POS. That dude ain’t in the reserve! Lo demands a hot picture of herself if she were to ever go missing. Sarah and Lo recap their trip to Austin to see Heather McMahan stand up. Lo started the trip by almost starving Sarah and depriving her of Mexican food in Houston. The ladies make the drive to Austin with another girlfriend and disorderly conduct ensues. Wine by the doubles, ranch waters, and a drag from a Juul turn Sarah into Usain Bolt, and she now needs a chaperone.