Elseware Presents: Sonic the Podcast (just for fans)

Chapter 17:

“It’s hard to find work when you’re associated with the image of a giant eagle pulling his own head off and biting Peter Molyneux on the anus.” -Benjamin Gold

Welcome to the episode description.

I’m MC Griffin. It’s a weird political moment in the country. It feels strange to put yourself in self-promotion mode when all the badness in your world seems specifically defined by the languages of advertising, PR and spin. Griff would love for me to put on a promotional, jolly tone like in those absurd Digital Xpressions ads that play in his show, but I refuse. I believe we can communicate with each other in a way that is earnest, and honest. I seek to inform, maybe sometimes entertain, and never advertise. So, as is my mission in these episode descriptions, let’s get you guys up to date on what’s going on in the offices of Elseware.

As far as our game goes, there’s not much we’re ready to say yet. Announced on Instagram: Project Monster City is now tentatively titled “Love is Monstrous” but who knows how long that will stick. Aside from that and some key art, not much progress has been made as we’re building a lot of this code-wise from the ground up. A lot of that has been my fault, to be completely candid- my life outside of work has been pulling me in strange, distracting directions. The same can’t be said about writer and designer Mikey Pterrodactyls, who’s been diligently creating the framework of our game, ever-vigilant despite us changing engines. He’s a workhorse that one, but that’s to be expected from a guy who hang-glides into work every morning. Our receptionist/social media person Kathleen Fitzgerald has also been brought onto the project thanks to Elseware’s startup mentality. If we didn’t believe in what we were doing, we might have a problem with wearing so many hats into work, but passion motivates tolerance for a lot- for now. Anyway, Kathleen is a huge asset, even if looking her in the eyes is comparable to starring directly into the sun, except instead of being bright, it’s an infinite darkness that burns all the same. She brings pomegranates from her backyard. It’s nice.

With the podcast, the next episode that airs will be the first brand new one in quite a long time. I’m sure if Griff has feelings about that, though I can’t tell if he’s stoked to be podcasting again, or dreading it. But without saying too much, his hands are tied either way. Contractual obligations mean you folks get more podcast content to listen to- I’ll just leave it at that.

Thanks. Follow us at @Elseware_Presents on IG. And follow me, @realmcgriffin while you’re at it.

Welcome to the Episode Description

We’re doing something a little different.

Hi. I’m MC Griffin. I’m an illustrator and designer at Elseware- the software and game developer that creates this very podcast. We’ve never had lengthy descriptions attached to our podcasts before, but my boss NIN, probably after some kind of loud argument with her brother, my other boss, and host of this podcast Griff Newcastle, told me that we need some text associated with these to boost SEO. Griff is a good boss. He’s certainly the kind of boss who’d like to read that he’s a good boss in a description delegated to be written by a subordinate who works directly under him. So, I want to do a good job on these. However, I don’t listen to his show, because I don’t play video games. I only own the systems that allow me to play games made by From Software, because I’m a nihilist and those games cultivate a feeling akin to Death’s embrace that soothes me and helps me sleep at night. Otherwise, my only other investment in video games is people care about the sapphic, proactive tattooed women in your drawings when they are in the vague shape of video game characters they already like. So, it should go without saying, I don’t listen to Griff’s dumb Sonic podcast. I didn’t even know it WAS a Sonic podcast. When he first told me about it, it was like a video game book club kind of deal, which is obviously a better idea, but I digress.

So, I was neglecting Griff’s show when it actually interested me a bit, I’m sure as hell not going to start listening now that it’s this fan fixation thing about a character I can’t begin to fain interest in. So instead, moving forward, I’m going to use these episode descriptions to let anybody interested in on what’s going on around the Elseware office. So look forward to that. We’ve got a game in the works, and brand new episodes of Elseware Presents: Sonic the Podcast coming too. But there’s other, weirder stuff in the works- a tabletop game, and -gasp- a website. A lot of what we have going on is too far off to really get into the nitty gritty on, but watch this space and you can expect to learn a lot more. Follow us on Instagram. That’s where we’re most active “@elseware_presents” and you can follow me “@realmcgriffin” if you want to see the stuff I’m up to when I’m not working here.

See you in the next nonsense

-Real MC Griffin

Chapter 14: The first Chili’s was opened in 1895, when the patriarch of the Ludenheim family, Mr. Chizzish Leifeld Ludenheim landed in the great state of Texas, escaping the brutal indentured servitude he was subjected to in the mustard mines of Gorpenhauzen, Germany. There, he found an American people still spilling into the frontier, and a culture thirsty to absorb any cultural nourishment it could from the salt-water society that was the city of El Paso near the turn of the century. He’d faced adversity his whole life, Chizzish. First, as a no luck gambler, scorned by fate and Lady Luck within that goddess’ own hallowed church halls, the Casinos of Gorpenhauzen. Then, in his new home of El Paso Texas where, with a family of a wife, three boys and two girls, only 17 appendages between the lot of them, tasked with starting a business with no skills and only needs to meet. Papa Ludenheim turned to the chef’s table, asking the great spirit of the discipline of cooking to answer his prayers and grant him inspiration so he could make food for his new community and with it, a living wage to help feed his family. Historians disagree on whether this prayer was answered or not from that old spirit, as the community of El Paso Texas fled the town after a dangerous unidentified fungal outbreak took it’s first few victims, leaving the Ludenheim family alone to settle this land. It was then that some new brave pilgrims discovered the community of 7 left there, assuming due to their unidentifiable speech and strange looks that they were an as-of-yet undiscovered tribe of indigenous peoples. And so, with this new unplanned yet still fortuitous change in identity, they played host, opening their potentially fatal restaurant to these newcomers. This would go down as the first Chili’s date in history, a tradition that would continue for over 200 years, the product of panic, maintaining by a combination of perseverance and panic.

- A history of Chili’s, the restaurant.

Chapter 14:

“Honestly the most chaotic part of my day is figuring out a Sonic puzzle... and the nightmares.”

-Ms. Einstein

Thinking. Probably the most difficult thing a human being can get up to. That’s why human beings benefit most from others doing the thinking for them. We have this idea of people as chaotic, free-spirited beings ruled completely by their whims but that isn’t true. I’m banking on it. Video games are my field. See, what’s great about a game is they’re full of two things: choices and rules. People feel free to make their choices, though they are constrained by the rules. So, if you want to make somebody put a ball in a basket, you give them Basketball. If you want them to beat up a fat man in diverse locales, you give them Sonic. If you want them to submit their face and all personal information to a database that can track you by how wide your cheekbones are, you give them Facebook.

Look, I know you know shit like this. You’re a healthy skeptic. You watch Black Mirror. You know that the correct application of technology is ultimately cynical- that’s a word that gets too much flack by the way- cynical. It’s good to be cynical. Wise. Cynical people don’t hope or despair. They laugh and let the gamers do their work for them.

So you had this Rocket Rabbit thing that bottomed up. That sucks, truly. I know what it’s like to invest without return. So, you lost some money. You know what you gained? Lists. Data. In the game of “give this fat fuck money to make his dreams come true” a lot of folks played, and lost. That sucks for them- and they mostly got their money back so no harm no foul. But in the game of “get the names, rough locations and investment value of the audience that can be digested and learned from,” you definitely won.

Now, I can probably guess that you think something like that is unethical, even though all these funders clicked the rules-and-conditions-box. But that’s why you won’t be expected to do it yourself- it’s a lot of work anyhow- we have people for that! Sort your data, find the patterns. Hell, that’s why we were interested in developers who worked a lot with medical diagnostics. We want that data. As far as I’m concerned, the games and products you’re developing are the cherry on top of a big info Sunday. What better way to learn to market to people than hire a company that knows how brains work.

So keep making those games you guys make. But bring me that sweet data when you do. Was this long-winded? Oh my god, I just read this back and I come off as a very on-the-nose villain. You know what that’s fine. I won’t change a word. Team check-in tomorrow, so I’ll expect you to Skype me bright and early!

Oh. Take the company name off your dumb podcast. I don’t want my brand associated with pervy furry stuff.

“You know sometimes, with really successful people, I wonder if there’s a Cuck in the back of their head that thells them to do stuff.”

-Zer0

What’s up YouTube? It’s ya boi Simple Seth! I know you guys watched that new Sega Selects, so you’re as hyped as I am! Coming to your Q-Box it’s Sonic Dash! And yes, you heard that right, Sonic Dash- no number, no subtitle. It’s like the twelfth game in the series but whatever. That’s never gonna get confusing, am I right, fam? 

So, with this announcement getting me hyped, I thought I’d make a video for all my Simple Sentries out there eager for those opinion nuggets you love. So, here’s my top 10 characters I wanna see in Sonic Dash for Q Box!

Number 10!

Mario! This one’s a no-brainer. Like, everybody was shocked to see him show up in the third game, but then he never showed his suspendered ass again! And that’s a crime. Come on Sega! I know Mario isn’t Sonic’s most notorious rival, but clear up that litigation, and let’s get him back in there.

Number 9!

Busy Bizzy Bee! Relegated to an assist attack for Slick Baboon, this long-standing member of the Sonic cast DESERVES to take a slot on the roster. I know you haters think this is because of my intense fetish for anthropomorphic insects, and I say to them 1) don’t kink shame and 2) that’s a goddamn lie!

Number 8!

Doctor Queenbee! Busy Bizzy Bee’s mom! She hasn’t been in a Sonic game since Sonic 2, but this fan-artist-favorite milf is well known for her kick ass attacks and dainty little feet. Don’t side-eye me haters, you don’t gotta have a very specific and hard to google fetish to appreciate a gal like this.

Number 7!

Fred the Cat! I. Want. To. Bang. This. Cat!

Number 6!

Bee Arthur! Okay, now, I know what you’re thinking…

“You gotta remember you have enough gold rings inside of you to survive any sort of tragedy that’s going to come up. And remember that, like Sonic, even if you get knocked down, you have a chance to get those rings back.” - Doctor Edward Salazar, Sociologist

The soft sciences. Like, that’s what they actually call ‘em. And nobody disputes that. Psychologists. Sociologists. Philosophers. Like, how serious could you be about what you do if you let somebody call your life pursuit ’soft’ without jamming a napkin holder across their jaw. These people- they want you to look at the events surrounding you and draw conclusions, about life, the human spirit, whatever- the inside of your mind- whatever. And they say this is the purpose of art, these soft scientists. Well, I say ‘where’s the gameplay?’

When I hit confirm with a jumping medium, that’s physics. When I frame trap some scrub in the corner, because I know his start up frames for any kind of turnaround play are at least two on wakeup, but I have a 1 frame startup overhead that has massive juggle potential OTG, that’s math. And when you get salty, that’s chemistry baby! NaCl! In these games, these aren’t characters with back stories and personalities! They’re instruments. Chess pieces, moving around the board at a million miles per hour. I don’t even see the characters anymore- I see their hotboxes, their vulnerabilities. I know which frames on the startup of Knuckles’ super have priority over EVERYONE. Video games are hard science, and art is for communists. Communists and soft scientists. 

But that’s just my take. Maybe you don’t agree. Whatever. Maybe you wanna tell me all about walking around a house. That’s the shit you like, right? Walking around houses?

Look, you had a look at my pictures, so you know what you’re in for, but if you really need to have a look at the nutritional facts before indulging in this snack, please, read on. 

I’m a writer, entrepreneur, animal lover and video game critic. But that’s just what I do for work. You don’t want to hear anything about that. You want to know about what date night is going to look like. You’re a diligent investor, that’s why you’re reading this description instead of just hitting the “add to cart” button. Well, let me tell you, any guy can take you to Chili’s or Olive Garden or Outback Steakhouse. But a hyper-masculine, money’d gent like myself knows you’ve got class- nothing but the best for you. That’s right. Cheesecake Factory! Where my name echos in it’s hallowed halls- legend of the biscuit alchemist. And I come prepared. Sure, other folks may order off menu, but the true gladiators of date night know that an evening at CakeFac isn’t complete without a waffle-iron and some cheddar cheese. You can turn pretty much any boring entree into a rich, gooey panini, and you don’t even need to bring fixins. 

The point is, girl, I’m gonna feed you. Now please, stop pretending that you’re still reading this and swipe that shit to the ‘like’ side and let’s have an adventure.

bring back the Nuke Stan stole

- They’ll be paid for the kill, but not necessarily the Nuke. 

- Depending on the level of success, between 100 to 700 Megabux.

The Oil Can

A seedy dive for the drunk, nuked and ready to puke. Warehouse workers bring their meager savings to this pit to ogle the robots gyrating on stage. If they had a particularly good week, perhaps they might even take one home.

If the party enters at the entrance, they encounter the Doorman: Paul the Forgotten, an elderly retired pimp. Tries to run the place as responsibly as he can, but he can only do so much.

The three robot dancing girls entertaining guests inside: Titania, Spark-Plug, Vulvatron and Robo-Pussy

Three Security Guards: Gorg the Koala, Franco the Honeybadger, Coco the Gorilla (deaf)

See Game Master’s Companion for Enemy Class and Civilian Stats

Chapter 8: Griff hears the howl (with Annie Girard) I’d like us to take a moment to think about inspiration. Not the things that inspire us. Not out mentors or memories that drive our artistic nature. Not THEE- inspiration. Your mother. That one director. Not them. But the feeling being inspired. The fire of joy lit by the beauty of the world. The feeling of newness. The pop of perspective, showing a path you hadn’t before suspected. The fantastical become tangible. If jay-z can do it, I can do it. Those beautiful miraculous angels around us that, not only inspire us to create more new beauty that has yet to become, but also create for themselves. We are all made of the same stuff. There isn’t anything standing in the way of you creating something beautiful for this world. The howl is a call of inspiration. A call of hope from one artist to another: Don’t stop. It’s worth it.

Chapter 8: Griff finds religion (with Brandie Posey) Near as I can tell, there’s two types of people in this world. Those that know and love Sonic, and those that fucking worship him! Right? Can I say fuck? That’s gonna get this thing flagged, huh? Let me take that again… Look, the line between fandom and religion is thin as hell anyway. It’s modern mythology, y’know? And the internet is like tomes, you know? Religious tomes? Except instead of big epic poems or whatever it’s debates, and think pieces and subreddits. Like, you could look at the internet as church in this case, right? But if, like, church is the internet, then your Nintendo Q Box is like fucking Mount Olympus or Heaven or whatever. Shit. Sorry. I said fuck again. When’s this going up again? I can take that again if you want an ad-friendly version. Oh. We’re done? Ah man I didn’t even get to the bigger pantheon. The matriarchal hierarchy thing? Yeah, I guess you can’t boil out a polyamorous polytheistic post-modern pop-surrealist theology into one little blurb. But I hope I gave you something good to work with! Are you gonna cut me that check right now, or- it’s in the mail? Cool. So, yeah, again, when’s this going up?