Trash ass alcohol. Melancholy music. Gays. Welcome, summer. ​Two new confessions ask for our advice about coming out of the closet and online dating, and we handle the quandaries with the grace of a lemming. This week in uplifting news: Johnny Depp turns out to be an asshole and the Catholic Church turns out to still have some assholes. No NSA? No problem. For a couple million dollars, you too can spy on your citizens! New York City is officially recognizing 31 different genders and it means… well, nothing for us. But potential acceptance for others. A new segment examines a day in the life of social media and rewrites these platforms' Terms of Service. Our Surprise, Bitch! guest realizes she's super qualified for a 19-year-old.

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