Are we still doing this? Yes? Okay.

This week's episode kicks off with a Secret Santa announcement that's going to have all four of us at the top of this year's Naughty List. Quickfire News takes us through the week's most gripping headlines 2 minutes at a time, wherein we try to wrap our heads around the cowardly Planned Parenthood shooting, Jeb Bush's dwindling credibility, and why ISIS fucks with ducks. #SueMe Andrew picks songs of dying animals screeching in foreign languages for our "No Context" game. Because biodiversity and clean air are about to become unicorns, we explain the climate change conference happening in Paris right now, and why, please God, it needs to include binding commitments. "The dress is white," they said. "Trust us," they said. In this week's Surprise, Bitch! we meet a listener in Chicago. Don't climb into Andrew's bed. Or let his dog lick your face. This show concludes with our favorite listener Confessionals, which seem to mirror our own secrets eerily well.

And in this week's installment of After Dark:

A woman has her ribs removed-- on purpose-- and West Point bans pillow fights. All in a week's worth of WTF News. Laura tests a new game called "Expert Opinion," wherein Andrew is forced to describe the flesh light manufacturing process and Matt has to write a show for Netflix. Shitty kitty and wanky spanky! This new gamey shwamey exposes how the world would communicate if it were run by Dr. Seuss.

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