Find love after 40 with Renée Suzanne

When it comes to dating, most of us have preferences.

Things like tall, dark and handsome.

Ivy-league educated.

Knows where the good restaurants are.

Likes Sushi and The Cure.

We often tell ourselves that these things are must-haves, to our own detriment.

They are not.

A man does not have to like a certain kind of food, look a certain way or live a certain lifestyle to love you and treat you well.

I see women prioritize these qualities and end up with men who are terrible.

Men who string them along for years, don’t treat them well and never end up marrying them.

Don’t confuse preferences with deal-breakers.

Deal-breakers are things like: cruel to animals, living under a bridge, isn’t interested in the form of relationship you are seeking, lives too far away to see you often enough to build a relationship.

At any given time, there are a certain number of single men in your area and age range out there dating.

Every single quality you insist that he possesses decreases your pool of eligible candidates.

You get 70-90% of what you want. 

Make sure it’s the RIGHT 70-90%

I encourage all my clients to insist on character-based must-haves.

Things like kindness, responsibility, and interest in a committed relationship.

Qualities like these are necessary in order to have a good relationship.

A love of fine wine and pickleball is not.

Am I telling you to settle?

No.

If you’ve been single for a year or more in the name of “not settling” then you already are settling my friend.

You’re settling for nights, weekends and holidays alone over an idea of who you should be dating when there are literally tons of men who would love to date you.

They are very likely to come in a package that looks a little different than you expected, but those things matter much less than you think.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

My clients often tell me that they’re not finding anyone exciting on the dating sites and apps.

They scroll and swipe and sigh.

They come away deflated.

I get it. I used to feel this way too.

So I have a bit of a reality check for you today.

Expecting to find exciting guys among strangers on the internet is simply not a good plan.

The competition is likely to be pretty stiff for the most “exciting” men on these platforms and they’re almost never the best guys.

They are usually all sparkle and no substance. 

Impressive looking but a nightmare to date. If you even manage to date them.

You may have already experienced this phenomenon.

I sure did.

Excitement is overrated.

As much as possible, stop expecting dating to be exciting.

Look for solid men that you can have a good relationship with.

Men who will drive you to the airport, go to work every day and care about you when you’re sick can be really awesome.

Exciting men rarely do these things.

Boring and ordinary is awesome.

You need to retrain your brain to see dating this way, but it can be done.

It’s a lot like retraining yourself to like foods that are good for you now that you’re a card-carrying grown up.

I help my clients do this all the time.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

How many times have you heard about a man falling in love with a woman and completely doing a 180 on his entire life?

He quits robbing banks, sleeping around, living in his mother’s basement or whatever and turns into a stand up guy who promptly marries the long-suffering woman who believed in him or played hard to get or whatever thing she did that made her so special that he just had to change for her?

Please excuse me while I roll my eyes and go throw up.

Because this is utter nonsense and I don’t want you believing it for a minute.

It’s the stuff of Hollywood and fiction, not real life.

And since we live in the real world, I want to help you get what you want in the here and now, not just in your fantasies.

Getting into a committed relationship is not about being special enough to a man for him to fall in love with you and abandon whatever it is that he thought he wanted before he met you.

So instead of trying to be the most special person in the universe, I would like you to focus on finding a man who shares your relationship goals.

This is great news, because it is much easier to do than becoming the most special person in the universe.

Please don’t romanticize the abandonment of your dreams for your life in the name of love.

I don’t encourage you to do this and I certainly don’t want you to expect men to do this for you.

You’ll never be “special” enough to completely change a man’s agenda or his dreams for his life.

This is an unhealthy myth perpetuated by Hollywood and chick flicks.

So, save yourself a world of trouble and go find a man whose dreams align with yours. It’s so much easier and more fun. 

And you actually have a way better shot at succeeding if you do this.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

This week, we’re talking to my client Lisa who found a wonderful man in less than 4 weeks!

We’re talking about what dating was like before we worked together, her struggles with dating unavailable men and how (and why) she decided to reach out and work with a coach.

She shares what it’s really like to get coaching and date differently and what her experience was like.

Lisa learned how to actually apply the concepts she had been learning about in the real world to find her boyfriend and he absolutely adores her.

Listen in to learn how it worked for her and can work for you too.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

The new guy you’re seeing keeps messaging you, texting you, calling you and can’t wait to see you again.

Maybe he’s declared his feelings for you, wants you to meet his family, take down your profiles, or become exclusive.

This is all feeling a bit too soon for you and you’re starting to feel uncomfortable.

Should you have a talk? Set a boundary? Start to distance yourself or even tell him you don’t want to see him anymore?

First, take a deep breath. This is a great problem to have and you’re probably closer than you think to being partnered up!

Men who are excited about you almost always will move faster than you are comfortable with and this can feel uncomfortable, especially if you have a pattern of dating unavailable men.

We all think we want a man who is excited about us and eager to move the relationship forward and then when it actually happens we tend to think he’s moving too fast.

I want you to notice that “too fast” is a matter of opinion.

There is no objective measure of what is fast or slow in this realm.

It takes 2 people to participate in a relationship and it stands to reason that one of them will usually want things to move faster than the other one.

You’re just used to that person being you and now it’s him.

That doesn’t make him wrong. You are not the ultimate judge of what is too fast in the entire world. You simply have an opinion and so does your guy.

I suggest that you make room for his opinion as well as your own instead of making him wrong by labeling his behavior as “too fast”.

Respecting your partner and his opinion is a skill that will come in handy once you’re in a committed relationship, so this is great practice.

I suggest whenever possible that you let the man lead in things like this and let yourself enjoy the attention. There really is no harm in letting him call, text,or take you to meet his family.

If he’s pressing for a commitment, you can think about the terms under which you’d be willing to make a commitment, and for how long.

These things can be negotiated.

There are times when you will want to set a boundary though, especially if he is pressing for physical intimacy, moving in together or actually pressuring you for something without regard to your feelings.

Think carefully about what your boundaries are and communicate them with him.

Then see what he does.

This is far better than simply shutting him down by telling him he is moving too fast. He’s moving at whatever pace he’s moving and you have a different opinion. 

And when a man moves fast, unless it’s in the physical department, it usually means he’s falling for you, which is great news.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

I have a question for you today.

How serious are you about finding a wonderful man to share your life with?

What are you willing to do to make it happen?

Do you think things like:

It would be nice if it happened

One of these days, I’ll just meet someone

I don’t need a man, but I’d like it if one just landed in my life somehow

These thoughts are passive and are not likely to get you the results you’re hoping for.

What is so romantic about not getting what you want in life?

Do you really want to find your forever man? If so, when would you like this to happen?

If the answer is yes, and anytime in the very near future, I want to encourage you to make a plan for yourself to achieve this goal.

There is plenty you can do to put yourself in a position to find your guy.

You need to be crystal clear about what you want.

Decide on your priorities.

Get in front of as many new men as possible, including getting on a dating site/app.

Show up regularly and talk to men.

Vet men for your relationship goals.

Go on dates.

Navigate the dating process so that you end up in a relationship.

This is not a passive process. It will likely be some work and push you well outside your comfort zone.

And that is OK.

If you want to find your guy, I want you to make a commitment to do these things for yourself.

Waiting, wishing and hoping is not working and it is very unlikely that it ever will.

So please commit to making a plan for yourself and carrying it out if you are serious about finding love.

And if you’re not serious about it, that is totally fine.

Just admit to yourself that it’s not that important to you enough to take seriously and put some effort into, and you’re fine with it not happening.

Which is way better than thinking you’re serious about it, but not doing anything to back it up.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

So many women confuse the gestures of a man who is excited about them with love bombing, so I decided to do a podcast about it to help you get clear on the difference.

Most new relationships go through a honeymoon phase and it does take a certain amount of enthusiasm to get a new connection going.

In most relationships, this interest and pursuit is generally on the man’s part and is well-intentioned because he is really excited about you.

Many women who have been around the block a time or two are wary of this level of attention and find it off-putting.

This is especially true if you have a pattern of dating unavailable men and feel uncomfortable with a man getting too close.

Some women see anything more than general standoffishness and slight neglect as overeagerness or even love bombing, but it is very normal for an emotionally healthy man who is excited about you to want to call or text you every day.

Love bombing is very excessive flattery, attention or gift giving and it is done to manipulate or gain control of you. Men who love bomb you are demanding, manipulative and won’t take no for an answer.

This is not just bringing flowers or chocolate to a first date or texting and calling often. 

Love bombing is laying it on really thick, like declaring love before he has met you, calling you his soulmate in the first week, and pressuring you for something in return like a commitment, money, sex, or to move in together.

If you set a boundary, a love bomber will not respect it. A man who cares about you will.

True love bombing is malicious in intent. A man who is well-intentioned and truly cares for you may declare his feelings, reach out to you frequently or give you gifts, but will not pressure you to do things you are uncomfortable with. 

A flattering, well-written enthusiastic opening message on a dating site is not love bombing.

Daily messages, texts or phone calls are not love bombing.

Talking about a future, asking to go on a trip, declaring feelings, asking if you’re seeing other people, or mentioning taking down your profiles is not love bombing.

That does not mean you have to say yes to any of these things. You can always set boundaries.

It is common for couples to have opinions about how fast a relationship should progress and for those opinions to be different. This can be very subjective.

I encourage you to respect the opinions of the men you date and have conversations with them.

Don’t expect a man to go at your exact pace and then accuse him of going “too fast” when he doesn’t read your mind. 

Men who are excited about you will often move fast, but it isn’t love bombing unless it is done with malicious intent.

If you ever feel pressured because a man has said or done something, ask yourself if it is coming from your discomfort with the attention you’re being given or if you are being pressured to do something you are uncomfortable with. 

Why are you feeling pressured? What are your boundaries? Have you made them clear? What will you do if they are not respected?

The answers to these questions will help you know if you’re really being love bombed and what to do next.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

As we age we tend to mature. We no longer dress, act or live the way we did when we were children or in our teens. 

We become more responsible and consider our long term goals. We learn from experience and (hopefully) make better choices. 

Our tastes also tend to mature. We trade Happy Meals for fine restaurants, a good steak or salad, maybe a glass of fine wine.

We can’t eat pizza or nachos every night and not feel awful or experience health consequences that we don’t want to deal with. We recognize this and adjust accordingly.

And yet…. So many of us, myself included back in the day, refuse to date like the mature women we have become. 

We go online and complain that the men all look like our fathers or grandfathers, but we don’t look 21 anymore either.

We insist on sparks flying immediately when we know full well how badly it went with the last 17 men who gave us butterflies.

We call this “not settling”, but what it really is is a refusal to be realistic and grow the heck up. 

When it comes to dating, we often have the same expectations we had at 18, even though nothing else is like it was when we were 18.If you’re looking for a life partner and not to live out the script of a typical romance novel you simply must stop acting like this.

What’s a girl to do?

Grow up, like you already have in every other area of your life.

Realistically assess the romantic opportunities that are available to you, just like you would with jobs, housing, the clothing that you can fit into/afford.

Learn to appreciate these things instead of moaning about how you think it “should” be.

If it should be that way, it would be.

Once you do this, you stand a much better chance of being happy with your options and actually finding someone to share your life with.

A real grownup who treats you well, instead of another flash in the pan “situtationship” that leaves you jaded and heartbroken.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN

Your bestie has been married since college.

Your colleague went on Match.com and got 3 dates her first week.

Your college roommate married a great guy even though she partied all through her 20’s and has never been promoted.

Meanwhile, you listen to podcasts, gorge on self-help books, take all the workshops and come up empty handed.

Why don’t other people have to work so hard to find love?

And what about the men, why aren’t they doing any freaking work??

I hear you.

It feels really frustrating to think that you have to do more than other people to get the things that you want.

I have definitely been there.

I was relationship-challenged until well into my 40’s and it was not fair at all.

But fair or not, I really wanted to have a wonderful relationship and get married and it showed no signs of actually happening unless something changed drastically.

And I finally came to the conclusion that that something had to be me.

I was the one who wanted the result you see.

So even though life will probably never be fair, you can ask yourself if you really want to find a great guy.

And if you do, I suggest that you do everything in your power to make it happen for yourself.

You deserve to have a great life and make it everything you want it to be.

It’s up to you to do the work to make it happen, and when you decide to roll up your sleeves and get to it, you have a much better shot at success.

So instead of asking yourself why you have to do the work, try asking yourself what work you can do next to get what you want.

And then go do it.

I have a great resource to help you create your very own custom man plan so that you can find a quality man ASAP.

Click here to download it or go to bit.ly/MANPLAN