Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

Cheer your friends on for hanging out with each other … even if it’s without you!

It might sound like counterintuitive friendship advice. But the truth is, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone. 

In this episode, I’m going to share some stories where I have either encouraged my friends to make other friends or actually cheered them on for hanging out without me. 

My friend who’s moved away and whose baby was in the NICU? I want her to have other mom friends! I want her to have friends who live CLOSE to her! Mostly, I want this for my friend’s well-being, but there are many benefits for me, too. 

When my friends have rich social lives, it also enriches my social capital and puts less pressure on me to be EVERYTHING for them – which honestly is a healthier situation for all of us.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The friendship trio dynamic: why I’m not offended when the others hang out without me and the importance of one-on-one time even in a group
• The value of friends having diverse social networks, including activity-specific friends, life stage friends, and work friends
• Social capital and why having friends with a robust web of connections makes me feel more supported and connected, too
• Benefits of encouraging friends to make other friends, including reducing pressure and providing more niche support

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 about my roots framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Imagine you’re an expat in Berlin in the early 2000s, with no smartphones, no social media, and barely any internet. You walk down the street and spot someone wearing a T-shirt made by a friend from your past life in Baltimore. Do you approach them? 

Well, that’s what today’s guest Amy Stafford did – and this moment led her to being part of the Lucky Trimmer, one of the most beloved dance festivals in Europe.

Amy isn’t even a dancer; she found her way into the community that builds this festival by offering what she was good at to something she was curious about. The festival has since grown into an international phenomenon and has guided Amy into her current design career as the founder of the Blixa 6 Studios.

In this episode, Amy and I talk about how small moments can lead to the most extraordinary ripple effects. Whether you're feeling stuck in your current social circles or wondering how to connect in a new city, Amy's story is going to show how the connections you're seeking might be closer than you think. You just have to say hello.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Amy’s initial encounter with a t-shirt in Berlin, which led to a friendship and eventually to her involvement with the Lucky Trimmer dance festival
• The importance of volunteering and contributing to a community to build social capital and create meaningful connections
• The power of small actions and moments of courage in creating significant changes and opportunities
• Saying yes to new experiences (!) and how it can lead to unexpected and fulfilling connections

Resources & Links

Check out Amy’s free coloring booklet and learn more about Lucky Trimmer.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

One of the best things about being part of a group – whether a book club, neighborhood, friend group, or formal community – is feeling like you belong to something.

But that feeling isn’t always instant; sometimes, if you’re new, you might wonder, at what point do I actually fit in? That’s what we’re talking about in today’s episode: what belonging to a group actually feels like vs. what we think it should feel like. 

I want to reframe how we think about belonging. A lot of us might think it’s all-or-nothing, but I think there’s a spectrum to it. In some groups, feelings of belonging might be stronger than in others, and that’s okay.

How can we cultivate our connections in these groups to increase feelings of belonging? I offer some of my thoughts, but I also want to say, it’s okay to not feel close with everyone in a group. What matters is to lean into what feels right to you.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The four signs of belonging and why we need to look at belonging as a spectrum and not a black-and-white concept
• The impact of belonging on mental and physical health and how to use small intimacies as a way to build connections in a group
• Why sometimes senses of belonging fluctuate over time; plus, giving and receiving genuine interest
• The value in focusing on individual relationships within a group rather than the group as a whole

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection; Episode 74 about small intimacies; Episode 37 about nurturing feelings of belonging; and Episode 14 about friend groups.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Lately I’ve been hearing about how the price of community is inconvenience.

You know what I’m talking about: those posts about how, if you want a village, you have to be a villager. You have to give the rides, buy the gifts, and drop off the meals. But I think these messages focusing on inconvenience are missing the point.

Yesterday, I was at a baby shower for a friend who has wanted to be a mom for so long that I could cry thinking about how excited I am for her. Sure, buying presents and wrapping gifts are not my favorite ways to support people. At the same time, I was so unbelievably happy to be part of this celebration for her. 

Isn’t helping your friends also, in some way, beneficial for YOU too? The inconvenient tasks on the surface level can be a burden, but I think the long-term payoffs are so worth it. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why I think these messages about the inconvenience of community is out there: we live in an individualistic society that focuses on self-improvement and achievement
• Finding ways to support your friends that are enjoyable but not burdensome; for me, this is cooking
• Why performing tasks to help our friends can be both burdensome AND joyful at the same time, and why I hate the idea of reciprocity

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 74 about small intimacies.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

When putting yourself out there, rejection is inevitable. But here’s a reframe you might need to hear: YOU are not being rejected. It’s only your OFFER that is being rejected.

Tanesha Moody was, at one point, drowning in rejection from every direction, from job applications to dating apps to her own friendships. Instead of retreating, she got curious and discovered the transformative power of separating rejection from yourself. 

Today, Tanesha is a speaker, writer, and founder of Full Out Coaching, and she’s got amazing insight about how this simple reframe can impact how you show up and live your life. 

Honestly, this conversation came at exactly the right moment for me. Sure, sometimes friends do reject core parts of who we are, but more often, they just reject a dinner invitation or don’t respond how we hoped they would in a text message. In some cases, rejection can bring people together and should be celebrated; after all, rejection is evidence that we tried.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Tanesha’s experience facing rejection from multiple aspects of her life, including job applications, dating apps, and friendships
• Reframing rejections as a step not a stop; a rejection is not necessarily to you but to the offer you made
• How Tanesha seeks rejection daily, plus, the benefits of rejection, including building resilience and fostering growth
• Using rejection parties as a way to celebrate and learn from rejection and build community 

Resources & Links

Learn more about Tanesha’s business, Full Out Coaching.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Have you ever felt like everyone but you received some kind of friend-making manual?

Today’s guest, Lee Hopkins, is a social connections and business culture coach and CEO of Patterns of Possibility – but his journey to this work started with his own decades-long struggle. 

In this episode, Lee shares about navigating friendship after recently learning that he has autism, and how this revelation has impacted his relationships with friends, family, and ultimately, his way of life. 

Lee says what’s made all the difference for him in this journey of self-discovery has been boundaries, conscious conversations, and knowing himself. Once he stopped trying to fit into relationships that required him to mask who he was, it opened him up to the kinds of connection that actually nourished him. 

If you're feeling stuck in surface level relationships or tired of feeling like you're always performing to be accepted, then maybe it's time to get curious about what authentic connection looks like for you. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Lee’s life-long struggle with making friends and how he discovered he had autism later in life through TikTok
• Common misconceptions about autism and how this diagnosis impacted how he communicated with the people around him
• The importance in understanding the communication gap between neurodivergent and neurotypical people
• Mentors, intentional conversations, and why we all need to stop comparing our relationships with other people’s

Resources & Links

Listen to other episodes about being a neurodivergent person looking for connection: Episode 40 and Episode 54. 

Follow Coach Lee on Instagram, on his website, listen to his podcast, and see his free resource.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

It happens to all of us: you leave an interaction and realize the conversation was all about the other person. They didn’t ask a thing about you. 

Today’s episode is about feeling ignored in conversations with friends. In these situations, it’s easy to play the blame game, but the truth is, we are all responsible for our half of the connection.

What do you say when a friend asks how you’re doing? Do you say “good” or “fine?” Or do you give an honest answer? How hard do we expect friends to work to extract information from us? 

Here’s my challenge to you: in your next hangout, don’t deflect a question. Throw something out there you’ve never shared before. These details enrich relationships. Remember, your friends want to know you. Trust this, and take up a little space.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why sharing the silly details matter: they help open up conversations and allow your friends to know you better
• The importance of BOTH parties in the relationship contributing to a conversation; don’t deflect questions or give generic answers!
• Common concerns about not wanting to dominate the conversation (or share TOO much information)
• How I navigate not feeling left out when I’m in a conversation with people who share common interests with each other (but not with me)

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret. 

But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?

I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode, I’ll describe this concept that I’ve mentioned many times but never dug into: small intimacies. 

My hope with this episode is to offer ways to shift the friendship culture and pay more attention to those small bids of connection, because as I’ve said before, friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes those small intimacies are more than enough.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
• Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
• Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
• The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
• The Roots of Connection framework which I talk about more in Episode 12

Reflection Question:

Spend some time thinking about some of the ways you could let people into your life through small intimacies. What are some things you could offer? How can you offer this up more regularly?

Notable Quotes:

“We get this hyper-focus on the big things. And yes, those are great. It feels great to be let in on your friends’ big moments. We talk so much about wanting that. But while we're sitting here waiting for that and focused on that, and focused on what isn't there in our friendships, we are often missing what is there or holding back what could be there.”

“So often on this podcast we talk about what is enough in our friendships. We talk about not forcing everything to be all or nothing: letting things live in the gray, letting things live on a spectrum, letting things build up to have a cumulative impact. And at the end of the day, I really think that is the whole point of the concept of small intimacies.”

Resources & Links

Learn more about my roots framework! And be sure to listen to Episode 12 if you haven’t already.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Your village is out there, waiting for you. It might even be knocking on your door, and you haven’t realized. 

People often think they need to make enormous shifts to find community; they need to move to a tiny village on the other side of the world or into a compound in the woods. But that’s not true. Here’s what you actually need: subtle shifts and a willingness to be uncomfortable. 

So many people talk about how they want a village, and yet, I see them rejecting the small changes they need to make to let their villages in. They won’t accept help – a ride to the airport, a babysitter, a pre-cooked meal – because they don’t want to put a person out or let go of control.

I can offer to pick up your groceries or watch your children over and over again. I am choosing that; I want to be in community with you. But at the end of the day, you have to want that, too. We need to co-create this relationship and support system together. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Community, which is cited as the answer for societal issues like childcare/elder care shortages, mental health issues, etc. – but rarely is there advice on how to find it
• The idea of “hiring” a village – a message families often hear – for grocery pick-ups, babysitting, Uber rides, etc.
• Rejecting help when you need it because you feel like you can’t accept unpaid help or are unwilling to let go of control
• The level of internal required to step off the hamster wheel and be willing to feel discomfort in either asking for help or offering it

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 8 with my friend Adrienne about building a friendship community for her family.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

This whole podcast was only a dream a couple years ago, and here we are now with 100 episodes. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for sharing these conversations with your friends.

In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram!), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the categories, and at the end of the episode, I talk about how to do a basic Wheel of Connection audit. 

You deserve Level 10 support, and hopefully this helps you to take more intentional action to develop the connections you need for this season of life. 

Want to go even deeper? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Life updates regarding my health, two Taylor Swift concerts, and the major milestone of this episode
• The Wheel of Connection: why I made it, why it’s round, why it looks different for everyone
• How your own Wheel of Connection is constantly changing: people move between categories, and different categories grow and shrink depending on your needs
• Wheel of Connection components: family of origin; family of choice; formal community; acquaintance; and familiar/defined/present/historic friend
• How the Wheel of Connection and Roots Framework work together, and how to conduct a Wheel of Connection audit

Resources & Links:

Here are some visuals of the Wheel of Connection and my Roots framework. Want more? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.