Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

About three years ago, many of my friends moved away within a six month period.

While I was excited for these friends, I also grieved; my friends are my main support system, my family. How would I keep these friendships alive? I invested a lot of energy into thinking about it, through which I developed what I’m tentatively calling the “Your People” framework.

The best way to think about this framework is to imagine a tree. Trees start as seeds, and then you provide them with nutrients and soil. Over time, trees grow roots. Some roots get really thick and strong; some grow deep. Some grow offshoots. The more roots that grow, the more stable the tree.

In my friendship theory, there are three kinds of roots, which I’ll dig into today. My hope is that this framework and language helps people think about these relationships and consider what actions to take to build better versions of our friendships.

Want more information? Visit my website!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• SHARED EXPERIENCE ROOTS and their offshoot roots – i.e., when you’re doing something related to the shared experience root, but in a way you’re comfortable
• EMOTIONAL INTIMACY ROOTS – what we know about our friends and our shared memories – plus shared/overlapping history roots and big/small intimacies
• STORY ROOTS – the beliefs you have about your friendships, and how we come to develop those beliefs
• How letting roots (i.e., friendships) die is not a bad thing – we can’t be in high school geometry class forever – but it doesn’t mean it’s not a sad thing
• How to keep these friendships thriving as we grow and change, and how to replace dead story routes with simpler, more straightforward story roots
• One of the biggest problems when it comes to adult friendships – plus, the REAL foundations of these friendships

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

[REPLAY] FOUNDATIONAL FRIENDSHIP IRL EPISODE

This month, I’m replaying four episodes that I consider FOUNDATIONAL to understanding all other Friendship IRL episodes. These are the episodes that break down the frameworks and mindset shifts you need to build the connections you want. 

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

Today’s foundational episode tackles this ONE question: What is a friend, really?

A lot of people are walking through life focusing on what isn’t there when it comes to friendship. There’s somehow an arbitrary marker of “we are friends!” that most people can’t even articulate. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be so black and white.

If you’ve ever thought, “I wish I was closer to that person” or “Our friendship used to feel different!”, prepare to see things differently once you learn about the 4 types of friends we all have in our lives, and how we can come to appreciate all of these friends in their own unique ways.

This framework takes the pressure off trying to make every friendship “best friend” level and helps you understand what you actually need from your social connections.

WARNING: You’ll see all of your friendships differently after this one.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why we’re holding ourselves back from experiencing true friendships
• The difference between “Familiar Friends”, “Defined Friends”, “Present Friends”, and “Historic Friends”
• The beauty of taking small actions over time with our friends (it all adds up!)
• What emotional intimacy roots are and why they are key to sustaining close and supportive friendships
• Moving through the peaks and changes of friendships in our life, especially when one moves away or gets a new job
• Holding on to our friendships more loosely, vs. gripping on so tight

Reflection Question:

In which “bucket” do you have the most friends? Is there a small action you can take today to make a friend feel appreciated?

Notable Quotes from Alex

“I have this belief that if we untangle the ways we are connected, we will realize we are more connected than we initially thought. And that might help us to appreciate the spectrum of friendships versus waiting for some arbitrary threshold to see someone as valuable in our life.”

“Small actions add up. Sometimes I think we forget that our closest friends were at one point just people. They walked down the hall. They were another person wearing a similar sweater and we said, “Hi”, we sat next to them in class and started chatting. We learned we were both going to be on the soccer team. And back then, we saw that simple building as valuable, like there was potential. So tap back into that. Let the small things be worthwhile.”

Resources & Links

Learn more about emotional intimacy roots on my blog.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

When big life changes happen, our closest people When life changes—pregnancy, a move, illness—our identity and relationships shift too. In this episode, we explore how life transitions affect friendships, support systems, and the people we lean on most.

I’m joined by my friend Sarah Blackledge, who’s expecting her first child. While we talk about pregnancy and friendship dynamics, this conversation applies to any big life shift. We discuss how identity changes can impact even our closest relationships—and how communication can bridge the gap.

We cover letting go of friendship hierarchies, navigating grief and fear as people grow, and building a sustainable support system after big life changes. From reconnecting with old friends to showing up in the mundane moments, this episode is a reminder that friendship can evolve—and even deepen—through change.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How life transitions reshape friendships
• Letting go of friendship hierarchies
• Fear, ego, and grief in evolving relationships
• Pregnancy and changing friendship dynamics
• Reconnecting with old friends in new ways
• The power of simple, situational friends
• Letting people help before you “need” them
• Communicating needs in adult friendships

Key Quotes:
“I’m not just looking for one person to do it all—I want the right people in the right moments.” — Sarah Blackledge, 7:30

“Grief and change in relationships happen when our closest people can’t catch up to who we’ve become.” — Alex Alexander, 23:55

Reflection Question:
What has worked for you in the past when navigating big life transitions and their impact on your friendships?

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Quality over quantity – you’ve probably heard this phrase when it comes to friendship, right?

So many of us strive for a few “quality” all-encompassing friendships, thinking that’s better than having lots of less intimate friends. But is that way of thinking actually limiting us?

There will be times in your life – maybe as a new parent, or after a loss – when you’ll gravitate toward the friends who can relate to your situation, even if they’re not those “quality” all-encompassing friends. Sometimes quality is specificity, not comprehensiveness. 

Similarly, I want to reframe the idea of “quality time.” Is quality time having those uninterrupted windows with friends? Or is it actually doing the everyday things together?

My hope is to help reduce some of your friendship anxiety: to give you permission to stop “performing” friendship and just BE IN friendship.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why some friendships feel effortless (and why I’ll argue they actually haven’t really felt effortless forever – you’ve already built muscles navigating awkward situations!)
• “Quality” pockets of uninterrupted time vs. folding your friend time into your everyday life activities (plus, all the things you learn about your friends while doing the latter)
• When quality can be specificity and not necessarily comprehensiveness: a friend who can offer specific support in a specific moment

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Picture this: you're staring at a text thread with your friend, and you realize you've had the same argument three times the past month. You love this person … but right now, you kind of can't stand them. 

Today, we're talking about friendship pauses. Let me be clear: this isn't ghosting, breaking up, the silent treatment, or a passive-aggressive power move. A friendship pause is an intentional choice to create space to reflect, make changes, and do some individual growth.

Here’s the caveat: the eventual goal is to actually do the work to REPAIR the friendship.

Michael and I use this phrase in our marriage that I think applies to friendships, too. Every time you work through a lower low, you reach a higher high. Instead of thinking of a friendship pause as sad, think of it as a possibility for this whole new version of a friendship that you’re going to feel more aligned with.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Reasons a friendship pause might be necessary, including communication issues, energy or emotional issues, and changes in life circumstances
• Questions to ask yourself before you take a friendship pause, like, what’s the reason for the pause? Are you willing to do the work to repair this friendship?
• Why working through a low point in a friendship can lead to stronger beliefs and a more resilient connection

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Have you ever moved somewhere new and felt like you were on the outside looking in?

This was Charlotte Massey when she moved to Seattle in the midst of the pandemic, when making friends was borderline impossible. Instead of accepting isolation, she got strategic about it. We’re taking friend-dating spreadsheets and sales funnel approaches.

Charlotte is the executive director for the Seattle chapter of the U.S. Chamber of Connection, a new civic organization tackling the loneliness epidemic, and founder of the Seattle Picnic Society. In this episode, she offers so much inspiration and great advice for those not feeling connected where they’re at.

Whether you're new to your city or you've been there for years, the principles are the same. Get specific about your invites. Show up consistently. Don't be afraid to follow up multiple times. Most importantly, if the community you want doesn't exist, create it.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Charlotte’s move in 2021 and the challenges she faced, from the pandemic to the “Seattle freeze”
• How Charlotte used a sales funnel approach, “friend dating,” and intentional invites to connect new people
• The Seattle Picnic Society – picnics that grew from five to one hundred attendees, and how you could create something similar in your community
• Being bold and persistent in reaching out to potential friends and looking at how you can improve on the Six Points of Connection 

Resources & Links

Learn more about the Seattle Picnic Society and the Six Points of Connection on the U.S. Chamber of Connection website.

Become a Member of the Chamber of Connection and take their 7-week intro course, Designing a Connected Life. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Have you ever felt like you were the “extra invite?” The “filler friend?” The friend who gets invited to the big events but never the intimate gatherings?

There are lots of reasons people find themselves in this position. Maybe a big life change has altered friend dynamics; maybe you’re just in a totally new friendship group. But maybe you’re also exhibiting behaviors that are keeping you on the fringe. 

If you want deeper friendships and to be part of more intimate gatherings, you can change this, and in this episode I offer tips  on how to do this, from initiating invitations to focusing on the individual connections in your group.

But I also talk about the benefits of those “second tier” friendships. Don’t forget, they can still be beautiful connections in your life, even if they don’t become part of your inner circle.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My friend who complained to me about always being the “extra invite” – and how she changed this to create a more fulfilling network
• The value in the Wheel of Connection in understanding the different kinds of friends, from familiar to defined connections
• Why fringe friendships can be beautiful and meaningful, even if they are not all-encompassing
• The benefits of strengthening relationships with each friend in a group, which consequently strengthens your connection with the group as a whole

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

There are songs about romantic heartbreak, but where are the songs about losing a friend who meant EVERYTHING to you? That’s what Leïla Six and I want to know.

Today’s guest, Leïla Six, is a singer-songwriter who is asking the hard questions about friendship in her music, using art to contribute to a culture that values all kinds of love, not just the romantic kind.

In this episode, we dive deep on why friendship deserves its own soundtrack, how art can help us process complex emotions, and what it looks like to be a social artist in a world that doesn't always value the art of connection.

Leila just released a new version of her song, “Glad,” which is her love letter to platonic love. Be sure to check it out. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Challenges of voicing needs in friendships and the societal messages that friendship should be easy and effortless
• Learning to handle conflicts in friendships, similar to how we handle conflicts in romantic relationships
• The importance of having diverse relationships and maintaining proximity with friends, even if they are far away
• The lack of representation of real friendship experiences in media and art, often portraying friendship as overly romanticized or immature

Resources & Links

Follow Leïla Six on Instagram and YouTube, listen to her music (including “Glad!”), and enter her contest!

Listen to Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic; Episode 120 about how friendship is a political act; and Episodes 5 and Episode 7 with Alex Friedman.

Follow Shasta Nelson on YouTube and Instagram, and read All About Love by Bell Hooks and How We Show Up by Mia Birdsong. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

A few years ago, five sets of my friends moved away within a six-month period. These people were my emergency contacts, the people I did Sunday dinners with. I was devastated.

This isn’t a unique experience; it often happens to people in their late 20s and early 30s, when life paths start to diverge. Friends get married and have kids. They travel the world and pursue their careers. The friendships start to feel different.

I call this phenomenon the great friendship shift, which I talk about today with Ericka Parker, founder and CEO of SILKENN (who is also host of the Boss Babe Reset podcast, which I was recently a guest on!). What do you do when your priorities have shifted so dramatically that your old ways of connecting don't work anymore?

When you look around and realize that your friendships feel different, it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re growing. The key is to be intentional about the connections you want to nurture, and to create new patterns that actually work for this version of your life. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The emotional experience of dealing with changing friendships, and how Ericka’s busy life has affected hers
• What Ericka set up for her “pineapple friends” that has been a game-changer for staying in touch despite moves and life changes
• Proximity friendships vs. intentional friendships, and the benefits of having different friends for different areas of life
• Being flexible and adaptable in friendships, and also, being respectful of each others’ seasons of life – plus, the amazing benefits of bragging about a friend

Resources & Links

Listen to the episode of Boss Babe Reset that I was a guest on! And see Blake Blankenbecler, a friendship therapist mentioned in this episode, and follow her on Instagram.

Listen to Episode 12 about the types of friendship roots, and listen to Episode 2, Episode 50, and Episode 63 about the value of having different friends in different areas of life. Plus, see Episode 20 and Episode 21 about navigating friendship shifts.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

The other day I was telling a friend about my goal to be better about responding to text messages in a more timely manner. My friend agreed: this was something I needed to work on! And this was fair. Other friends have called me out on this, too. 

But after recent episodes about virtual communities, parasocial relationships, and online friendship, it hit me that I’m not actually bad at ALL digital connection; I’m just drawn to certain types.

In today’s episode, I delve into the spectrum of digital connection, which I’ve segmented into four levels: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections. I cover the purpose and challenges of each and why they matter.

I hope this episode helps you find your “sweet spot” and figure out where you’d like to focus your digital attention, because here’s the thing about digital communication: it’s not just some optional add-on to friendship anymore. 

Whether our friends live across the world or ten minutes away, bumping into each other online is one of the primary ways we connect these days, so strengthening this skill will only help your friendships. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My four levels of digital connection: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections, and examples for each
• Understanding our own strengths and weaknesses in digital connection and the practice it takes to become skilled in each format
• The value and challenges for each form of communication; for example, surface-level signals and active updates are easy to implement but can sometimes feel one-sided
• Common struggles in digital connection, including mismatched expectations, overwhelm, and guilt about missing updates, and how to manage these struggles

Resources & Links

Listen to my recent episodes on digital connection, including Episode 129 and Episode 130, about making friends online, and Episode 128 about parasocial relationships.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.