Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

During the pandemic, like many others, I felt politically charged, and I channeled this energy into being an online warrior.

On social media, I reposted it all, making it clear where I stood – only to realize this wasn’t my highest use. I wasn’t actually reading the books or taking the actions. I wondered: what could I do instead? That’s how I ended up here. 

Real community requires something most Americans are terrified of, which is compromise. It requires letting go of the “all-or-nothing” mindset and finding common ground. It means being willing to give up some of our freedoms for real security and support. 

Today I share some of my political beliefs and what I’ve been doing instead of being an “online warrior.” I’m not saying this is how you should show up. It’s just how I do. At the core of it all, my fundamental belief is this: as humans, we need to care more about each other. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My own political beliefs regarding religion, gun reform, human rights, climate change, marriage equality, church-state separation, human services programs, etc.
• Pitfalls of simply reposting political content without taking action and the importance of having meaningful conversations
• The danger of polarization and the “all-or-nothing” mindset and the importance of finding common ground to foster understanding and connection
• The power of small shifts, plus three things I’m doing in my everyday life instead of being the online warrior

Resources & Links

Read the book I quote in this episode, Democracy in Retrograde by Sami Sage and Emily Amick.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Are you enjoying your friendships? Are you able to be present with your people and soak up your time together?

So often, people focus on what’s missing in their friendships. They have this idea of what “peak” friendship might look like, which gets in the way of being grateful for what is there. 

I’m here to remind you that there is a stark contrast between HAVING connections and ENJOYING them. And this isn’t just regarding our closest friends: how grateful are you for the acquaintance at the coffee shop? For your child’s teacher, your hair stylist, or the people you work with?

Today I talk about what might be getting in the way of your enjoyment, and I offer tips on how to be more present and happy while with friends.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Mental chatter and the fear of being “too much” or “not worthy,” and how this limits enjoyment in our friendships
• Friendship baggage, anxiety about the future, and working on receiving connection, even just small gestures from community members
• The present distractions that get in the way of enjoying friendships (mostly, it’s the phones)
• The idea of “storing up connection for later” and multitasking during friend time – and why this doesn’t always work

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

One of you asked me an amazing question the other day: 

If you could tell your younger self one thing about friendship, what would you tell her?

I spend so much time thinking about community and connection – probably much more than the average person – and I have learned a lot since my youth. Some realizations I’m having at 35 are realizations a lot of people might not have until they’re middle aged.

No matter your age, there are likely things you wish you could go back and tell younger you. We are always growing and changing as friends. We are always learning.

In today's episode, I’ll cover what I've learned about choosing friends, being a friend, and friendship transitions – plus some final advice I would give younger me.

Now that I’ve shared my thoughts, tell me: what would you tell your younger self? Send me a message on Instagram!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What I did a good job with in my younger friendships, including building community, choosing friends well, and not letting status quo drive friendships
• The constant need I had to be worthy of friendships and how this affected my behavior and relationships
• The inevitable heartbreak in friendships (especially one-sided friendships) and the importance of feeling that heartbreak and moving past it
• The value of working on communication skills to improve friendships and learning from every interaction
• How what a “good friend” is changes through every life transition, from middle school to college and beyond

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Do you ever drive past a former friend’s house and find yourself flooded with memories?

Suddenly, you start thinking: what would it be like if you still talked? Maybe it’s just a fleeting thought, but maybe this thought really stings. As much as we like to think of certain friendships being “done,” it’s never really the case.

Today’s episode is about the friendship that got away. What causes us to become less close? Why do some friendships stay with us? How do you know if you should keep trying? When should you let it go?

There are so many lessons you learn from a friendship, so even if it ended, it’s not a failure. It helped you grow into the person you are, and it is going to be worthwhile in the community you are creating and investing in.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The friendship fade, and why this happens (see my Roots framework): life changes, and responsibilities lead to a drift
• When paths diverge, it requires work to build new friendship roots; for example, when my friends started having kids, we needed to find new ways to spend time together
• How hard it can be to separate the past from the present and the nostalgia associated with past friendhips
• What you should ask yourself if you’re looking to reconnect with an old friend, and the importance of letting yourself grieve if you decide to let it go

Resources & Links

See my Roots framework, and listen to last week’s Episode 114, about the friendship guilt spiral, Episode 115, about pet peeves, and Episode 25 about friendship break-ups.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Everyone’s allowed to have pet peeves. It’s normal and bound to happen.

In this episode, I talk about common pet peeves; my friends’ pet peeves; and my own pet peeves. Do you ignore them? Deal with them? (Also, how DO you deal with them?)

Some people say to write off friends whose tendencies are driving you crazy. My thought: it’s a lot of work to make new friends! What if we instead navigated that conflict and created a feedback culture in our friendships?

These confrontations don’t have to be big blow-outs. In fact, I hope they’re not; I hope you get to them before they reach that point. 

Like with most things, there is no overarching solution. It’s acceptable to be annoyed with your friends, and it’s also acceptable to give feedback and work through it, because that’s how friendships grow.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The idea for this episode (and where ideas for this show come from); I promise, I am not actively angry with any of my friends right now!
• Common pet peeves, from phone-interrupted conversations and last-minute cancels to the friend who always tries to fix it
• How I’ve addressed my own pet peeves and discovered my friends’ pet peeves by paying attention to subtle feedback
• Addressing pet peeves BEFORE they become major issues and how to give feedback in a thoughtful and non-accusatory manner
• Getting to the root cause of the frustration and giving friends time to reflect on the feedback – and know that initial reactions might be defensive

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Recently, I left a text message from a friend unanswered for ten days.

It’s not something I’m proud of. All I needed to do was respond to this friend, but the more time that passed, the more it felt like a bigger response was needed.

For ten days, I woke up, knowing I needed to respond to this text message, feeling worse and worse. Then, yesterday, I told myself, if there is one thing I do today, it is respond to this text message, because I can’t carry this guilt on my shoulders anymore.

Today’s episode is about the phenomenon of the friendship guilt spiral. It happens when we don’t act in the way we think we should act, and it turns into an enormous weight we carry. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do have some tips for dealing with it.

Most important is to remember that we are all human, and friendship guilt spirals happen! Give yourself some grace. Your friend will probably understand.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The friendship guilt spiral: when we don’t act the way we think we should to a friend which results in escalating feelings of guilt 
• Special occasion fails – for example, when I tried to make up for missing my friend’s wedding by planning a celebration, which never materialized
• Pressure to be the "perfect friend" and the guilt that comes with not meeting those expectations
• How acknowledging and addressing the guilt (and also starting small!) can keep it from escalating out of control

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Have you ever had to FIGHT somebody in order to help them?

I’ll bet we all have that friend who meets you with resistance when you offer to show up for them. “It’s too much,” they tell you – even if it’s no trouble at all.

Today, we continue our conversation about giving and receiving support with Laura Malcolm, the founder and CEO of Give InKind, a one-stop social support platform where you can organize all you might need to help somebody: meals, rides, GoFundMe updates, you name it.

Laura shares her beautiful story about how she created Give InKind and how she sees people utilizing the service today. Some use it to organize care for a family going through pediatric cancer; others use it to plan whose turn it is to call Grandma.

One of the most important things we cover is that we are ALL worthy of support, no matter our socioeconomic status, no matter how “not bad” we have it. Because honestly, it’s not always about the help itself – it’s also about the gesture, making us feel connected and cared for.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Give InKind, a one-stop-shop for helping friends and family in hard situations, with places to organize meal trains, grocery store trips, pet sitting, wish lists, etc.
• The idea for the service, which came about when Laura and her husband lost their first child to stillbirth and her coworkers set up a meal train for them
• Ring Theory, the vulnerability it takes to give/receive support, plus, what people were asking for on Give InKind that threw Laura off guard
• Why part of support is about connection and the act itself – no socioeconomic status is more or less deserving, and you don’t need to be in an emergency to receive care

Resources & Links

Want more on giving and receiving support? See Episode 112 and Episode 113. Be sure to check out Give InKind and the Ring Theory I mentioned in this episode.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

I used to love being the “strong friend.” For awhile, it was a large part of my identity, and I’d brag about dropping anything to help a friend in need.

In retrospect, it’s easy to see how being the “strong friend” came naturally to me. I had a complex, traumatic childhood, and as the eldest daughter, I became a caregiver at a very young age and dealt with a lot of unpredictable circumstances. 

At school, I put myself in leadership positions where at the end of the day, the buck stopped with me, from becoming class president to varsity coxswain on the rowing team. But over time, it became clear this title – the “strong friend” – came at a cost.

That’s what today’s episode is about: the costs of being the “strong friend,” and how I eventually was able to remove myself from this role (which had its own costs). If you’ve ever played this role, I hope this episode gives you permission to make small shifts to lighten your load. I promise, those changes do add up over time. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How being the “strong friend” actually denied other people in my life the chance to show up for me and for each other
• The unsustainable patterns this dynamic created, going from one grand gesture to the next, and how this impacted school, work, and my partnership with Michael
• Choosing gestures that are actually not disruptive – for us, it’s company – vs. disruptive, like taking time off work to stay with somebody
• How I shifted some of these patterns, including learning to build bridges instead of boundaries

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing patterns and to Episode 112 about breaking the ways we show up into phases.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

At the time this episode airs, there are devastating wildfires in Los Angeles – and yet, I’ve seen some beautiful levels of response. When something bad happens, whether to one person or an entire community, people want to help. 

Consequently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how people show up for one another. In a world where so many feel disconnected, helping someone else is a way to feel less alone. 

Today’s episode is about how to be there for people during a loss. These ideas are applicable to anybody experiencing a tragedy, from losing their home to losing a loved one.

There is no perfect way to show up. Stop putting that pressure on yourself and be okay with the fact you’re probably going to make mistakes. If you’re in the middle of supporting someone now, know that you’re doing matters. Keep being brave enough to show up.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Being okay with discomfort and the fact that you can’t fix what’s happening to somebody – but you can provide support for them
• Looking at immediate needs first: do they have physical shelter, food, water, or clothing? Do they need a place to sleep for the night?
• My own personal experience receiving help after losing my mom at age 13 – plus, the realities of freeze state
• The value of specific offers, doing what you’re naturally good at, and coordinating with others via existing networks
• Dos and don’ts when it comes to supporting people going through hard times (for example, DON’T try to force silver linings; DO validate their feelings)

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Think of a space you feel completely comfortable in that’s not your own home.

For me, it’s my grandparents’ house. I can easily picture their front porch, where my grandmother waited for us; the table we played cards at; and the garden, where I spent hours talking to them while picking green beans.

We’ve been trained by the internet to believe superficial details – like a perfectly styled coffee table or matching throw pillows – are what people remember about our homes. Consequently, many have anxiety hosting because their homes don’t look Instagram-ready

But the houses we see online are designed to be in magazines. They’re not real. Most people’s homes are messy and imperfect, which in a way makes them friendlier places to be. It’s not the aesthetic that makes them comfortable; it’s the memories made there with people. 

So consider this your permission to host imperfectly, and to focus not curating space, but instead, on being present and holding space.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The bizarre age we live in, where we are inundated with perfect images of home from the internet, which is skewing our perception of what guests are looking for
• The comfort of imperfection – sometimes it’s nice to know it’s not just  you whose living room is cluttered or whose freezer contains mangoes instead of ice!
• Rewiring our brains to focus on holding space vs. curating space (and why sometimes holding space is actually harder)
• What people are actually craving in a gathering: real connection, and to feel safe, comfortable, seen, and loved

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 6 about hosting and see some of my other free resources. Listen to Episode 38 and Episode 39 about third places and Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.