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I always wanted to be a volleyball player. They make it look so glamourous on tv. Sure, some people say it's for homosexuals but big deal. I can be around them without becoming one right? It's not like covid or monkeypox, Gonna have to check with Fauci on this.

Anyway, I remember when I was a teenager and used to masturbate a lot. Like a lot! Sometimes I would download porn but sometimes I'd use my imagination and think about this old fat fucking teacher from my school. The sex was never consensual or romantic but I don't remember her complaining about getting the dust knocked off that old slabside puss of hers. Right before I graduated I felt like I owed it to her to explain that masturbating to a scenario with her really helped me get through my formative years. Most women would take that as a compliment but this bitch got offended. Can you believe that shit? In real life, she wouldn't be able to pay someone to take her pussy but here I was trying to make her feel good and what's she do? She calls the principal down and explains what I said to her.

The principal was very shocked as she described in detail how I plowed her ass in my thoughts while beating off in the shower. I mean, I had know idea this lady could paint a picture with words. The principal threatened to suspend me and not allow me to join in the commencement ceremonies if I didn't apologize. I swallowed my pride, said "I'm sorry." and went on about my day.

When I got home I plotted my revenge. No way that old fat bitch was gonna get over on me so I started robbing houses and collecting all the lesbian porn I could. When I felt like I had enough, I broke into the school and put all the porn in her classroom. I then made an anonymous phone call stating my displeasure that my child was forced to be in a room with an educator surrounded by her sick porn.

They ended up firing Miss Pearson and she packed her shit up, drove home, and shot herself in the head. 

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Every year on July 4th I like to take a minute to reflect on what the people of the time were thinking when they decided to go full ham on a bunch of tea drinking pedophiles and celebrate their courage for taking, not asking for, taking their fucking independence. Would the current population of sissies and crybabies be able to do the same? Unlikely.

Showing up to a war with blue hair and pronouns isn't going to cut it zim/zur. Grow a set of fucking balls or untuck the ones you have hiding behind your skirt and be prepared to spill a little but. Don't ask someone to fight your battle for you and then expect to be respected. It reminds me of a kitten I had when I was just a little boy living his best life in the poverty stricken midwest. He was undersized, eyes matted shut from god knows what, and meowed so quietly due to being malnourished that you could barely hear him. I found the car shoved in a plastic bag and thrown in the creek near my house and all the other kittens were dead but this bad ass little fucker was fighting against all odds to survive. It's going to come to that point again and you gotta decide if you're just going to lay in that bad and die or fight like hell to survive. I put very little faith in 90% of the population to fight back and instead just fall in line as long as they can tuck their dick or change the color of their hair every 2 weeks. 

Me? I'm that kitten that turned into a fucking killing machine.

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When I was in high school I used to hang out at our small town pizza shop with my friends and there was a mid 40's hippie that didn't own a car and rode a bike everywhere. Anyway, a few wiggles of the worm and this old fish was about to gnaw the fucking hook off.

We meet up at the park and she pulled out a 6 pack and a bag of weed. I have zero interest in getting to know this chick but her ass had me mesmerized. We threw her bike in the back of my car, I drove her to her place, and I nailed her so hard she had sympathy pains for Jesus.

A few weeks go by and we meet up when we can, make the beast with two backs, and go our separate ways. Things were going great until we made plans for her to spend the 4th of July at house while my parents were out of town and she got so whacked out on black tar heroin that she threw a full bottle of Fireball through the fucking patio door. I loaded her shit up and took her back to her place. A week or so later she calls and tells me she's sorry and wants to hook up asap. Common sense told me no but I wanted another crack at that ass so, well, you know what happened? We must have fucked for 6 hours because when I finally woke up, it felt like my meat had been slammed in a car door. I'd been banging late 20's and early 30's women and I'd NEVER been fucked that hard.

Seasons change and we slowly grew apart but I'll never forget that amazing summer with Melissa.

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There's something in the air right now and I can feel it. It's more than just that small dick energy I sense because I'm gay and it's more like a fresh morning dew on the ass of an overweight man who just sucked me off to completion. On one hand I'm disgusted by what I've done but on the other, I'm satisfied and ready for a nap or a sandwich. If you've never had the pleasure, I'd like to offer my sympathies to you and wish you well on your journey through life. There's truly nothing like it.

I remember one time while I was driving through Norman Oklahoma and a cowgirl was broke down on the side of the road wearing a tank top and jean shorts that left little to the imagination. I'm something of a whiz with auto mechanics so I pulled over to offer my assistance and when she turned around, it looked like someone had beat her with a bag of flaming nickles. I knew a kid like that in high school that had terrible acne and his face would ooze zit puss in study hall. Nice guy but quite the stomach turner. Kid was a helluva running back though and helped is win the state title my junior year. I think his name was Brad or Brian. Long time ago.

Anyway, this dumb bitch wasn't broken down but was waiting for someone to come to her aid and then she was going to rob them. What she didn't know was I'm a card carrying member of the fuck a bitch club. Sorta like roadside assistance but for kicking ass. Anyhoo, when she turned around with that knife and demanded my wallet, I disarmed the bitch and slammed her head against the radiator until she got knocked out. After I closed the hood with her head in it, she looked like a solid 8. I'd been on the road for hours and had a dick so hard it could cut glass so I gave her the stabbing she had planned for me. 

Pretty sure I came inside her so if you ever see some little badass about 22 years old running around Norman and calling people a retard, he's probably mine.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

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I used to hang out with a guy from my high school when I was in my 20's that had the best weed and lived with his parents in a massive house on the lake. Now, I'm not gay but he was a pretty decent looking guy and because of showering after football practice, I know that he had a pretty decent hanger. But, he used to fuck the nastiest bitches and always bragged about it the next day. I finally had to get to the bottom of it so I asked why he didn't try to fuck some slut that at least weighed less than him. He talked for hours about how his mom used to pay hookers to come over and suck him off so he wouldn't have to jerk off and they were all 9's and 10's so it traumatized him when he saw an average looking woman and could only get hard if they were total pigs. This went on for years until he finally knocked one up that absolutely refused to get an abortion and his dad made him marry her and bought them a small house on the other side of town. I went about 5 years without seeing him but saw his sister at a bar one night and asked how Andy was doing. Apparently he committed suicide about 2 years after the kid was born because it was gay. Back then I didnt realize children that age could make a decision like that but I've since been educated from Hollywood elites and progressive liberals. Anyway, in between her holding back tears I noticed that I started to get an erection and asked her to drive me home as I'd had too much to drink (I hadn't) and didn't feel comfortable behind the wheel. She was so sweet that of course she said yes and even offered to help me inside when we got there. That was all I needed. I pulled down my pants while she was fumbling with my key in the deadbolt and as soon as we walked in, I smacked her across the ass with it and smiled. 

I think I fucked her for about 3 months before she committed suicide. I really dodged a bullet there. Who knew suicide runs in the family?

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In January of 1995. I was celebrating a 6th place finish in the local 3 gun with a stripper named Jasmine. It was colder than a well digger's ass and I heard the news that Rose Kennedy had just died.

Jasmine was a "lady of color" and danced to make ends meet. Her roommate was also her brother and Jamal sold drugs to help keep a roof over their head. Well, after 16 vodka and tonics I didn't know any better and rode back to her place in a deuce and a quarter with the hopes of getting laid.

When you roll into the projects drunk off your ass and covered in glitter at 4:15 in the morning, you don't ask a lot of questions. You just keep your fucking head down until you get the bitch in the sack and that's exactly what I did. I noticed an off-putting aroma when I walked in but like I said, eyes on the prize and all that shit.

I don't like to brag, truly I don't, but I broke that bitch off something proper and hit it so deep it put her ass to sleep. Normally I'd pull the old Snagglepuss and exit stage left but man, I was in the hood and a 1/16th black man ain't got no bidness trying to get home. I fell asleep (passed out) between her ample bosom and dreamt of Hershey kisses.

You ever wake up with a tec-9 to your temple and a crack pipe in front of your face? Well neither had I until that day. Ol' Jamal woke up to take a piss and realized a not so black man was in bed naked with his sister. Why his first thought was that I was 5-0 still confuses me to this day but apparently he didn't care for the police and wanted me to prove I wasn't undercover. Seriously mother fucker?! I came home with your stripper sister and facefucked her like a plantation owner in 1852. I don't know a lot about undercover work but I'm guessing they draw the line somewhere between where I was and where I am currently.

Anyway, I hit the fucking crack pipe, laid down some fat ass lyrics while Jamal fucked around with the 808. Looking back on it, I'm sure my flow wasn't as good as it seemed but fuck it, I didn't catch a case and now I'm alive 27 years later to tell you to buy a Glock 19X. It's the perfect piece for a little self defense should you find yourself in a bad neighborhood and if you have to use it to get away, do what my boy Eazy-E would do. "Throw it in the gutter, and go buy another."

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I was driving around the other day and noticed that people don't smile in the car anymore. Used to be that everyone had a shitting eating grin on their face the second they got behind the wheel. What happened to that magic? Is it the price of gas? Do they have bad memories of their mom getting killed in a head on collision? Do they have kids and are just enjoying the silence?

I remember one time I was driving back from Chicago with a slut I'd been dating for a couple of years and our relationship was one of convenience more than love. I don't know how she felt about us but I used to get blurred vision from rolling my eyes at her all day long. Anyhoo, we had about 2 hours left and I was tired of listening to her talk so I asked for a blowjob. Roadhead wasn't taboo but certainly wasn't mainstream at this time and after a few kind words, her head was in my lap, my dick was in her mouth, and I turned the radio down to finally hear something worthwhile coming out of her mouth. She was a skinny broad all of about 110 pounds but she ate like a fucking hog at a trough. Those same beautiful sounds rose from my crotch as we rocketed down the road at 90 MPH. 

She never gave great head and that's probably part of the reason I didn't blow a load in her mouth for several exits but the other part was that I knew once I finished, she'd come up for air and want to talk about something. You know how they say to think about baseball or dead puppies if you cum too soon? Well, when you loathe someone, it's easy to hold back as you grudge fuck her stupid mouth. Every time she tried to stop, I would say "Oh I'm so close" and she would plop right back down. 

Now I'm not an asshole, I let her take a few breathers here and there and let her jerk me off. But when we got close to her mom's house, I went full balls to chin and blew a load so big I think some came out her nose. She cleaned herself off and buttoned my pants back up just as we pulled into the driveway where her mom and dad were waiting for us. 

I hated those fuckers too and I smiled like a shit eating dog when I watched both of them kiss that bitch on the lips that were just wrapped around my cock moments prior.

So if you see me in my car and I'm smiling, it's because I'm reminiscing about watching her dad kiss his daughter's cummy lips.

It's rare that I meet someone for the first time and think to myself that they aren't retarded. Sometimes it's because of what they say or how they look or the clothes they're wearing but sometimes it's just because I'm in a bad mood because the chicken sandwich I had for lunch really didn't give me what I felt was a good bang for the buck.

But sometimes, I meet people and think they're not retarded and we have an engaging conversation about politics or religion or current events and just as things start to get interesting, I realize they too, are retards. It's not their fault, I just hold people to a higher standard because I'm nothing if not grounded in reality and have an educated view on most topics. For example, I don't believe Epstein killed himself. Do I think it was some dark hat government conspiracy to silence a man who likely has incriminating evidence against the world elites? Meh, not really. I think it's more likely someone snuffed him out because he was an asshole. I also don't think it's coincidental that mass shootings all seem to take place when something on a government level is reaching critical mass. I also don't like paying $9 for a chicken sandwich and fries and being disappointed.

What I'm trying to say is..... The quality of a meal can really dictate the types of interactions I have with people so if you see me, find out about that first before we talk about anything of substance.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Check out gunslaps.com for cool stickers that are made by a fan of the show and if you want a random sticker, email me for free Fumbled Penis Podcast stickers and I'll throw one in.

Grassy Ass Amigos!

For every good mom out there, there's some piece of shit woman who birthed too many kids and treats them like shit because the man she fucked took off for a better piece of pussy that likely went ass to mouth or let him fuck her sister on his birthday.

I'm not saying it's right but I'm not saying you don't share some of the blame for your station in life and the fact that you haven't had an orgasm without the help of a vibrator or high pressure showerhead in months. This also doesn't give you the right to wear some retarded pussy on your head and protest abortion at some state capital building in the bible belt you dumb bitch. You made your bed and now you need to lie in it waiting for the next retard who finds you mildly attractive and wants to fuck you for the next 3 weeks until you get too comfortable (like you always do) and stop shaving that monstrosity of a bush and refuse to give the man a blowjob after he just spent 2 hours mowing your yard. You always oversalt your goddamn fries so why now are you too good to suck on a salty cock?

This is your new station in life. Men coming and then going when you are no longer worth the hassle. 

Happy Mother's Day!!!!!

Matt

People always ask me why I seem angry all the time and I have to explain to them that I'm not really an angry person. Podcasting is like porn. Sometimes you have to get into character, fuck a chick with a loose pussy, and pretend you like it. Podcasts are loose pussies that can never give the grip you need to bust a nut but if you pretend it's some Puerto Rican with down's, it just might help you cross the finish line.

NOW HAVING SAID THAT...

There are some things that really grind my gears. I don't like people that take advantage of a situation like having a handicapable child and exploiting them for their own advancement even though they aren't advancing. In fact, they're quite literally a burden on the state because they come up with some nondescript illness that's almost possible to diagnose and collect unemployment or disability despite the fact that they claim to be so smart and business savvy that if given the chance, they'd be able to afford an apartment in NYC but since the system is rigged against super intelligent white women, they're forced to live in poverty. Other than that, it's all just for fun!!

Love ya all to the moon and back!

Matt