i would like to deliver a balls to my ass, if you know what i'm saying.

we're back, baby. the kind of content you're about to receive... oh my god, it's going to fill you up so good. so many carbs! so much red meat! hot red sweaty meat (like your father's balls) just hanging there... the most perfect of punching bags.

welcome to the schizophrenic hour. and look, i mean we've certainly done episodes to "fill the time", but this has got to be the peak example of "getting through the hour". we will return to regular programming next week, once my cohost unsucks himself from all the bare-back he so deviously enjoys.

sorry the episode was late, some scheduling issues arose. you see, i am on the international board of bustin, and this month we had A LOT of data to sort through, mostly from public contributions (thanks as always) but, as a side note, some of you guys need to get your sh*t checked out. it is not supposed to be green, grey, or black. after rigorous argument, mostly on my part, we do now accept dehydrated yellow.

well the cats outta the bag, and my balls are, subsequently, out of the cat's mouth. prerecorded episodes are done. my regular cohost, my main man, is out of the office this week. he told me he was traveling for work, but you and i both know the d*ck sucking convention rolled into town last week, and he couldn't keep his dirty mouth out of that tent for more than five minutes. i bet he's already eaten a sleeve of blue chews by now, like a dad in the middle of the night sneaking girl scout cookies while he watches mash. anyway, i've replaced him with a new guy.

nuclear war... we've all heard of it: boom boom, bang bang: the end of everything... but isn't that... now isn't that quite a lot like my penis and balls? a decimation of all life, if you will? a sterile cleansing? a lot of women... perhaps too many women, all of them doctors, have described my balls as a russian nuclear alliance with the chinese. what are we to make of that? perhaps more intelligence research should be done...

boom boom motherfu*kers. check out the latest episode of this super cool hip podcast. and we, we appeal to youngsters and... and also NPR listeners. if you listen far enough along, i'm sure we talk about like, memoirs no one has read, or cool critters with interesting facts, and trump is bad, and january 6th... ooh so crazy... i haven't... i haven't listened to NPR in a long time. i don't know what the fu*k you guys are listening to. is terry gross dead? surely an AI can do that job

let's start a band. something akin to Tenacious D, but like, without getting wildly overweight. and also without the references to music we liked whenever we were kids- provided that we were "kids" in the 70's- and... and also, now that i think of it, other than "School of Rock", and "Bernie", what has Jack Black ever done that warrants any respect? Nacho Libre? that panda movie? c'mon... it's time to grow up. you can't keep living life pretending these things are good. you can't keep, like, eating cereal for breakfast. eventually you gotta eat some eggs, or skip breakfast altogether.

i got a memorial for you right here, bucko. it's got two balls and a pair of reindeer horns, a big spiky spike coming out of my... of my... butt? of my butt. go ahead and check it out. look deep. what do you see? that's right, it's a roadmap. but where does it lead to? not your favorite local cocktail bar. oh no, no. you're going to find yourself waist deep in dreamland. your brother who is not your brother is telling you to "suck the lotion." well go ahead, brother. suck the lotion.

i'd like to dedicate a month of celebration to the male body. we've already got women's month (weirdly overlapping with black history month). so i say it's high time we have a month dedicated to that moment, as a guy, when you've got an erection at inconvenient time, in a weird place, and you gotta do one of those 'squeeze your toes to redirect blood flow while thinking of jesus' moments. by the way... blue-balls? that's like 70% not real.

jokes on you, pal.