Gal Talk

boom boom motherfu*kers. check out the latest episode of this super cool hip podcast. and we, we appeal to youngsters and... and also NPR listeners. if you listen far enough along, i'm sure we talk about like, memoirs no one has read, or cool critters with interesting facts, and trump is bad, and january 6th... ooh so crazy... i haven't... i haven't listened to NPR in a long time. i don't know what the fu*k you guys are listening to. is terry gross dead? surely an AI can do that job

let's start a band. something akin to Tenacious D, but like, without getting wildly overweight. and also without the references to music we liked whenever we were kids- provided that we were "kids" in the 70's- and... and also, now that i think of it, other than "School of Rock", and "Bernie", what has Jack Black ever done that warrants any respect? Nacho Libre? that panda movie? c'mon... it's time to grow up. you can't keep living life pretending these things are good. you can't keep, like, eating cereal for breakfast. eventually you gotta eat some eggs, or skip breakfast altogether.

i got a memorial for you right here, bucko. it's got two balls and a pair of reindeer horns, a big spiky spike coming out of my... of my... butt? of my butt. go ahead and check it out. look deep. what do you see? that's right, it's a roadmap. but where does it lead to? not your favorite local cocktail bar. oh no, no. you're going to find yourself waist deep in dreamland. your brother who is not your brother is telling you to "suck the lotion." well go ahead, brother. suck the lotion.

i'd like to dedicate a month of celebration to the male body. we've already got women's month (weirdly overlapping with black history month). so i say it's high time we have a month dedicated to that moment, as a guy, when you've got an erection at inconvenient time, in a weird place, and you gotta do one of those 'squeeze your toes to redirect blood flow while thinking of jesus' moments. by the way... blue-balls? that's like 70% not real.

jokes on you, pal.

yeah, i didn't go to college, so i'm not hip to what kids are calling "research", but i did smoke a couple doobies in a parking lot beside a college dorm. so... you could say i received a community college education on history... middle aged as*holes are scared of chatgpt, but i gotta tell you a little secret: (nobody writes college papers). just google it. like our forefathers did. ask an internet slave what the answer is and then get that grade, get some money, and eventually find yourself donating, as an alumi, to that same college so your stinky kids have a higher than average chance of admission

how come corn is yellow? hows come corn do be yellow like that? cause you look at corn, right? you're looking at an ear of corn, and it's all yellow! how come it don't be lots of different kinds of colors? like red and purple and sh*t like that? what did they do to the corn? what did they do to the native americans? is there a connection there? pilgrims? shut the f*ck up.

we live in a world, maybe you've noticed, where everything is pretend. there isn't a structure to hold all of this upright, and yet we still act as though what we do is pertinent, it has meaning we have yet to uncover, so long as we continue to suffer... toil... eventually we will be rewarded, right? As long as you work hard, give it all you got, invest wisely... something something something, 72 virgins? i guess? they never specify how old those virgins are, do they? we all assume, f*ckin 18, right fellas? but what if you get to heaven and it's just a bunch of sixth grade boys? you'd feel pretty stupid then, wouldn't you?

what's your favorite fast food snack? i... i don't care. we all eat the same things. there is no favorite fast food, because the whole experience of eating is derived from... do you like your wet meat in a burrito or a bun? fries or fries? soda or beer? depends on the time of day, no it doesn't.

i know the episode is titled after a different movie, but i'm uploading this at midnight after more than my fair share of ranch waters, just completing my fifth rewatch of Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master", and really, if you take nothing else from our show, you should remember that PTA did approximately two good things in his artistic career, and this movie is one of them. (the other thing, and i won't go into too much detail, but the other thing is kissing me on the fat lips during a fourth of july party, circa 2001, where he whispered in my ear "9-11 is like, literally about to happen bro")

happy easter folks, i really hope you celebrated by... by... whatever it is we do. we eat candy? what's the meal for easter? is it basically just thanksgiving food but maybe we eat ham instead of turkey? there are eggs.. i've heard that people do an activity with eggs... i have a feeling it is unrelated to the nasty sh*t i get up to with regards to eggs... how about instead of hiding eggs for kids to find, we hide egg whites? just a sloppy egg white slathered over some grass, and the kids have to eat that sh*t up with their bare hands.