Which sound engineer responsible for artificial crowd noise on NFL telecasts, will emerge as a famed auteur? And our speculative history takes us back to the 1918 Spanish Flu, where we wish President Wilson had ended World War 1 since soldiers couldn’t socially distance.

Scott is moving on up to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Totally as an homage to The Jeffersons. And Tom shares breaking news that Scott’s alma mater Northwestern is ranked ahead of the University of Chicago in the WSJ best university rankings.

Scott tries a different kind of intervention on Tom. Instead of several non socially distanced people in a room telling him what he shouldn’t do, Scott suggests something Tom should do more often. Get out of the house. Even though that could lead to someone asking to box him on the street or force him to learn pole vaulting.

What Would We Do Without Certain Things?, a new segment, shines a plus positive light on paper towels, so we can be thrilled with them, all over again. Plus, our quest to degoon goons leads us to propose fun resorts where that process can take place.

18 days before his childhood home is sold, Scott takes Tom on a journey back to the late 1940’s, through old photos of Scott’s parents at famed supper clubs like The Latin Quarter..

Tom and Scott don’t want statues of themselves in parks or museums because, while it’s nice to be honored, statues just aren’t very flattering. A giant, weatherproof 8 x 10 glossy photo would be better.

Tom and Scott propose ending the use of the word enemy, and replacing it with a term that won’t lead to war. Out of towners. And they urge insurance companies to reimburse doctors for listening to the heart of a 4 year old girl’s doll.

Scott dares to use a public restroom at Bloomingdales. And Tom reveals his 2.5 hour power outage ordeal, two days after the fact, since he didn’t want to become the story.

The days really seem to be flying by faster than ever. Is it just our perception or is this a phenomenon that should be investigated?

Tom’s dishwasher is broken, and he is forced to wash his beloved dishes by hand in a poignant moment that takes us back to a simpler time. And Scott spins off Tom’s speculative journalism with speculative criticism, by reviewing a play that doesn’t exist.