What Would We Do Without Certain Things?, a new segment, shines a plus positive light on paper towels, so we can be thrilled with them, all over again. Plus, our quest to degoon goons leads us to propose fun resorts where that process can take place.

18 days before his childhood home is sold, Scott takes Tom on a journey back to the late 1940’s, through old photos of Scott’s parents at famed supper clubs like The Latin Quarter..

Tom and Scott don’t want statues of themselves in parks or museums because, while it’s nice to be honored, statues just aren’t very flattering. A giant, weatherproof 8 x 10 glossy photo would be better.

Tom and Scott propose ending the use of the word enemy, and replacing it with a term that won’t lead to war. Out of towners. And they urge insurance companies to reimburse doctors for listening to the heart of a 4 year old girl’s doll.

Scott dares to use a public restroom at Bloomingdales. And Tom reveals his 2.5 hour power outage ordeal, two days after the fact, since he didn’t want to become the story.

The days really seem to be flying by faster than ever. Is it just our perception or is this a phenomenon that should be investigated?

Tom’s dishwasher is broken, and he is forced to wash his beloved dishes by hand in a poignant moment that takes us back to a simpler time. And Scott spins off Tom’s speculative journalism with speculative criticism, by reviewing a play that doesn’t exist.

Scott is turned down for an apartment because he doesn’t earn 50 times the rent, but he’s 50 times a better person than the leasing agent. Which as Tom points out, is an example of emotional math. Plus, let’s go to the videotape and weddings.

Scott returns to Nathan’s Famous in Coney Island for the first time since March 15., and enjoys two hot dogs and “the best fries in the works.” Tommy loves Belgian Frites, but only with Belgian mayonnaise. Plus another foray into the field we pioneered, “speculative journalism.”

Scott starts reading The Great Influenza, which Tommy applauds, even though that means Scott isn’t reading the Johnny Carson book Tommy gave him.