Here's A Guy

Well well well, lookie here. 67 episodes in and the guys finally decide to do something different. With multiple weeks off lately, Cody and Alex decide to treat you all with our first ever bonus episode! And we really hope you're happy. Listens had better be up on this, because we put ourselves through hell and then relived it for your amusement. If that doesn't make up for the crappy audio on a few episodes, I don't know what will. Let's start with the good news. March HaGness commences today on our podcast twitter account @HeresAGuyPod. Full brackets are over there, but we go through each matchup and give our analysis. It's a good time and makes us happy. Now, the bad news. We watched Gags the Clown. You may recall, this is the low-budget 2018 horror film that we discussed in Episode 63. The viral marketing for this film in 2016 accidentally kicked off a nationwide clown panic that resulted in dozens of people incarcerated and a teenager murdered. You can't fairly blame the makers of the movie for all of that. What you can fairly blame the makers of the movie for, however, is making this movie. This movie sucks, it's no good, and worse yet, manages to insult you over and over in countless ways. I don't want to say more on here because we go scene by scene and discuss in-depth everything wrong with this movie for roughly the same length of the movie itself. We are physically exhausted, but hopefully it's worth it to all of our beloved listeners. See you later this week.

March HaGness bracket breakdown- 2:52

Gags the Clown review: 37:06

Well everybody, we did it. We survived another winter. It's finally spring! Sort of anyway. Scientifically it's not. That won't happen for another however-many-weeks. And don't even get me started on the opinions of the loathsome groundhog. Here's the thing though- I don't subscribe to the "technical" "scientific" ideas of what the seasons are. That's all neoliberal bullshit. I go by months. December-February is winter. March-May is spring (with the caveat that if you're a student, summer begins when school gets out for summer break). It was also a lovely day outside, only adding to my theory. I mean, I spent all day in an office, then came home and recorded this show. It's ok though. I'm doing well mentally, and always have been. Something truly fun though is this episode, which was all but a guarantee since we're joined once again by our good pal Pookie! We start things off with a discussion about a number of topics, such as hockey, Catch Me If You Can, Star Wars, and talk radio. Then it's 3 terrific topics, including a freed slave who became a legend in the worlds of the Old West and mail delivery, another freed slave who became a legend in the world of whiskey-making, and a 17th century scholar who did a bunch of cool stuff and had a famous room full of neat items:

Stagecoach Mary Fields- 29:03

Nathan "Nearest" Green- 50:20

Ole Worm- 1:16:00

The audio is bad. But our friend Mitch, he's very good. Thankfully for you all, Mitch happens to be on the show this week. He does a great new podcast called The Hills are Silent. There, they talk about video games. Here, we talk about total lunatics and other misfortunes. This week, we have both- and how! And no, I'm not just talking about the crackling. I haven't been able to defeat this issue, but I'm swearing my vengeance on it. What do people do in these situations where they have a goal- hold themselves accountable? Alright, I'll give it a try. If I don't solve the crackling audio issue by the end of 2023, you are allowed to come to my house and kill me. This is in writing. Ah, accomplishment. In the meantime, we have 3 great stories this week (after an XL opening segment catching up with our friend Mitch, that is). First, a low-level politician who went farther to win elections than anyone I've ever seen, then an indie game designer whose career collapsed under the pressure of being a total asshole, and finally the poor woman who became history's spacegoat for a historically bad fire that wasn't actually her fault.

Byron (Low Tax) Looper- 40:21

Phil Fish- 1:11:15

Catherine O'Leary- 1:37:06

Ah, history. That thing with no important lessons for us to learn. Many topics have been the subject of history throughout history. In fact, I'd venture to guess that there is history of history. That's what the kids (middle-aged adults) call "meta." And that's fun. Maybe there's a history of things being meta! Terrific. Maybe this show will be part of history someday. Ordinarily, you'd think no, because we're not relevant whatsoever, but that's the magic of the internet: all our inane ramblings will still hang around out there forever. Is that what "the cloud" is? Speaking of history, this episode features a lot of it. First, we play a long-awaited game involving regional US foods. Then, it's 3 wacky tales from history, featuring a prince who became the world's foremost expert in poisons, a hilarious 19th century kook who had a notable encounter with a famous assassin among other misadventures, and a cruel, useless king whose hard-partying ways led to his downfall.

Mithridates VI- 35:39

Boston Corbett- 1:04:50

Safi of Persia- 1:31:42

Let's start with this: it is so cold out side. Terribly cold. As if the air is punishing you for some transgression. I just took my trash out and it hurt. My tolerance for this is running low. Sometimes I wonder about living in a warm climate. But where would I move? Florida? Texas? Arizona? Those places all have tremendous problems. For that matter, I hate moving. Realistically I have too much crap to transport via U-Haul. None of these things have anything to do with the episode, by the way. I just thought you'd want to hear my thoughts on that. Alright. We're back to full strength this week, and we begin by discussing what the heck JackJohn was doing last time instead of this show. We also discuss more college lore, with the time Alex and JackJohn took to a snowy campus in morph suits and nearly got beat up. After that it's a wild set of 3 guys, from a vaudeville legend who committed an all-time bag fumble, to a dog who fell off a balcony and caused an unthinkable chain reaction, to an aptly-named old-timey railroad worker who organized an unforgettable promotional event.

Ted Healy- 24:57

Cachi the Poodle- 50:50

William Crush- 1:09:11

I don't have a lot of energy to come up with a clever, meandering episode description like usual. It's been a long week and I have heartburn because I ate red beans & rice for dinner. It was pretty good at least. Sauteed some slices of andouille and threw them in there. Added some homemade hot sauce. Good stuff on a cold wintery night. But bad for my esophagus, apparently. When I was a kid I thought "esophagus" was a really funny word. And I guess it is. But I have too many bad memories associated with mine to feel that way anymore. This week, Jack is out doing cool stuff on twitch. Rather than be supportive, Cody and Alex recorded an episode anyway.  And the end result is a true old school episode of Here's a Guy. By that I mean, it's over 2 hours long and the audio sucks. Endless yammering and impaired hearing, that's the story of our family, frankly. We start things off with some more college lore: the time that a bunch of went to an atheists' conference and partied our asses off. Then it's 2 tales of guys. First up is a baseball player with a penchant for nearly dying in increasingly strange ways. Second is a creepy clown used to advertise a crappy movie that accidentally launched a months-long nationwide panic (punctuated by a long serious discussion about belief systems and healthy skepticism, if you can believe that).

Jonny Gomes- 31:05

Gags the Clown- 53:02

Well, we're officially entering the worst time of the year. Late winter, you're sick of the cold. We aren't even getting any snow. It's all just cold and rain. It feels like I'm living in The Ring. Although I think "living in The Ring" just means living in the Pacific Northwest. A torturous existence. Among the most beautiful natural scenery on the continent and you only get to enjoy it for a little bit of the year because it's always just damp. No wonder they have scary VHS tape monsters skulking around. Here's an idea for a sketch: the girl from The Ring trying to do cursed videotapes now, but she can't get off the ground because nobody has a VHS player anymore. Maybe you close out the sketch with her going back to the drawing board and then trying again in a couple years with DVDs. I could see that being an SNL skit, maybe with Keenan Thompson and Sarah Squirm. Can't be worse than their usual dreck. But also, you'll need to get the sketch out there quickly, because I think vintage VHSs are starting to get trendy. Although then you could do a different sketch where she succeeds but it only ever kills yuppies. Where am I? Pretty good episode this week. We start off with Cody entering the world of cat ownership, Alex becoming a vinyl guy, and a gift exchange that takes a sinister turn. Then it's 3 terrific tales of Guys, featuring a man who tried to go to space in a homemade rocket to prove the earth is flat, a chess master with some quirks that caused him problems, and the biggest star in the glamorous world of civil attorneys.

Mad Mike Hughes- 25:44

Dawid Janowski- 1:00:44

Melvin Belli- 1:27:29

Rise and shine, everyone. It's a lovely morning and the coffee is brewing, as they say. Also, literally, depending on your lifestyle. It is for me. I've wondered about cutting out caffeine. One one hand, I need it to make my brain start functioning in the morning. On the other hand, the tradeoff is that it makes me irritable during my morning commute, a time when my patience is already being severely tested. So what am I supposed to do? I could eat something, that would help. But I'm not cooking a full breakfast for myself, that's ridiculous. I don't know how people do that, giving themselves just more responsibility in the morning. I'm already maxed out on things that I have to do, you know. I guess those people just go to bed at like 9 and wake up at 5. More power to them, I guess. But that's such little free time to me. You get home from work at, what, 5:30-6ish? You gotta spend some of that time doing chores, some of that time making dinner. A longer morning routine isn't the same, because even though it's technically "free time," you have to be at work shortly, everything you're doing is in service of that. That's not even mentioning that you'll have errands sometimes. That's sort of my broader anxiety about adult life, is that the only way to be functional is for nearly all of your waking time must be spent either at work, doing things in service of work, or just various chores and tasks. Ah well, I'll figure it out. 

This week, Freddy the Cat drops in for a bit, but then Alex returns to his post. The guys discuss their weekends plus Jack's family appearing on Judge Judy (for real this time). Then it's 3 wacky tales of Guys, from a Mexican priest who found a fun way to raise money for his orphanage, a pair of reclusive brothers with a legendary hoarding habit, plus a lesser Founding Father and his preposterous treason plot.

Sergio Gutierrez Benitez- 26:27

Homer & Langley Collyer- 57:05

 William Blount- 1:22:56

Howdy ho, everyone! (that's what the talking doo doo in South Park says) This week is a little different. It's a two-man operation. In particular, it's the only combination of two hosts that we haven't done yet. I know you had all been losing sleep, pulling your hair out, hitting yourself in the head with a mallet while your tongue unrolled onto the door like a carpet, etc etc, wondering when you'd finally be able to compare all three. Our fans are loyal. They never stop thinking about is. They WILL never stop thinking about us. Do you understand me? Well, anyhow, suffer no longer. Your nightmare has ceased. In short, no Alex, but Cody and JackJohn are here to fill your weekly Here's a Guy needs. To start things off, they discuss Jack's family being on Judge Judy, and they read a listener email. (Probably some other stuff too, I haven't listened to it yet). Then, two action-packed tales of Gals/Guys respectively: a very weird and remarkably miserly old lady, and an explorer who had an even rougher expedition to Antarctica than you would expect.

Hetty Green- 23:57

Aeneas Mackintosh- 1:01:01

Well, Christmas is over, and we're in perhaps the sleepiest week of the year. But fear not, as we here at Here's a Guy are still basking in the afterglow, and bring you a toasty new episode for your enjoyment. First of all, thank you to Cody for the PSA up top. This show cares about our youth and want to do our part to keep them from going down the wrong path. As for the sweet, succulent meat of the episode, we begin with what after spirited debate we've entitled the Present Unwrap-Up, then the guys nominate their Guys of the Year. Then it's three heavy hitters in the world of Guys, featuring an extravagant, flamboyant, all-time weirdo who emerged from the dregs of English nobility, a dickhead pencil-pusher whose negligence led to one of the most unusual disasters in American history, and a legendary Australian bandit who ran afoul of the law more often that not.

Henry Cyril Paget- 33:52

Arthur Jell- 53:33

Ned Kelly- 1:18:26