It can be frustrating when people do things we don't want them to do. A friend cancels plans at the last minute. A child refuses to get dressed for school. Before long, our resentment builds, and we're tempted to issue more rules, reminders, and consequences. But the techniques we use to get people to alter their behavior are often strikingly ineffective. This week, psychologist Stuart Ablon explains why these methods fail, and offers better ways to help the people we care about make lasting change..

If you love Hidden Brain, join us for an upcoming live show! We'll be in Los Angeles on November 22, and more dates in 2026 are coming soon. For tickets and more info, go to hiddenbrain.tour.
 

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For many of us, navigating the conclusion of a relationship is one of the hardest things we'll ever do. This week, we conclude our Love 2.0 series with psychologist Antonio Pascual-Leone, who shares the most common mistakes we make when it comes to splitting up, and techniques that can help us ease the pain. Then, our latest edition of Your Questions Answered. Cognitive scientist Phil Fernbach returns to respond to listeners' thoughts and questions about the "illusion of knowledge." 

Do you have questions for Antonio Pascual-Leone about breakups? Are there losses that have left you feeling stuck? Have you discovered techniques to move on when a relationship ends? If you'd be willing to share your question or comment with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us at [email protected]. Two or three minutes is plenty. Use the subject line "breakups." Thanks!

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No one will deny that marriage is hard. In fact, there’s evidence it’s getting even harder. This week on the show, we revisit a favorite episode about the history of marriage and how it has evolved over time. We talk with historian Stephanie Coontz and psychologist Eli Finkel, and explore ways we can improve our love lives — including by asking less of our partners. Then, on Your Questions Answered, psychologist Jonathan Adler answers your questions about the science of storytelling.

If you have follow-up questions or thoughts about these ideas, and you’d be willing to share them with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone. Then, email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “marriage.” That email address again is [email protected].

The Hidden Brain tour is continuing, with our next stop just a few weeks away! Join us in Los Angeles on November 22, and stay tuned for more dates coming in 2026. For more info and tickets, head to hiddenbrain.org/tour. 

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When things go wrong in our relationships, we often try to change the way our partners behave. But usually, trying to fix a person only makes things worse. Last week, we talked to psychologist James Cordova about why this tendency can be so damaging, and what to do instead. This week, we explore another difficult but effective way to strengthen our relationships. Then, on Your Questions Answered, we bring back researcher Victor Strecher, who studies purpose. Vic spoke with us in June about the death of his daughter, and how it changed his own outlook on purpose. That conversation, which was called "You 2.0: What Is Your Life For?" had a powerful impact on many listeners. We'll hear Vic's responses to their thoughts and questions. 

What have you learned about changing your partner in the course of your relationship? Have you come up with ways to accept your partner's flaws? If you have questions or comments for James Cordova, and you'd be willing to share with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a short voice memo on your phone and email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line "acceptance." Thanks! 

The Hidden Brain tour is continuing, with our next stops just a few days away! Join us in Baltimore on October 11 or Washington, D.C. on October 12 to see Shankar live on stage. We'll also be in Los Angeles on November 22, and more dates in 2026 are coming soon. For more info and tickets, head to hiddenbrain.org/tour. 

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Many love stories end when the characters are still in the heady, euphoric early stages of a relationship. But what comes after that intoxicating first phase of love is over? Today, we kick off a new series on the challenges specific to long-term relationships. We'll talk with psychologist James Cordova about some of the common difficulties many couples face. We'll also look at a solution that scientific research suggests might actually work. Then, we'll bring you the latest installment of our segment Your Questions Answered. Researcher Jon Jachimowicz returns to respond to listeners' thoughts about the pursuit of passions. 

If you’d like to see Hidden Brain live and hear some of Shankar's key takeaways from the first decade of the show, we have stops coming up on our tour! We’ll be in Baltimore on October 11th, Washington, D.C. on October 12th, and Los Angeles on November 22nd. Plus, we’ll have more stops for 2026 to announce soon. For more info and tickets, go to hiddenbrain.org/tour.

And if you enjoyed today's episode with James Cordova, check out our Hidden Brain+ conversation with him about relationship check-ups. James explains why an annual relationship assessment can help couples to spot issues before they become major problems. Plus, he shares some of the questions he asks couples during these sessions. If you're not yet a Hidden Brain+ subscriber, Apple Podcasts is offering an extended 30-day free trial for all listeners who give it a try in the month of September. To claim your free trial, find Hidden Brain in the Apple Podcasts app and click the "Try Free" button, or go to apple.co/hiddenbrain. 

This week's episode art is by Chloe for Unsplash+

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The idea of being driven by a calling goes back centuries. It was the language used to describe religious people who were called to the priesthood. Today, millions of people in secular professions yearn to be similarly galvanized by their work. This week, researcher Jennifer Tosti-Kharas explores the immense power — and the downsides — of finding a job that gives you purpose.

Do you have follow-up questions or stories that you’d like to share with Jennifer Tosti-Kharas? Have you found a calling that gets you up in the morning each day? Are you a skeptic of callings, or do you have questions about how to make your work more meaningful? If you’d be willing to share your questions, stories and comments with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “calling.”

If you love Hidden Brain, please consider joining our podcast subscription, Hidden Brain+. All through the month of September, listeners who subscribe to Hidden Brain+ on Apple Podcasts will have access to an extended 30-day free trial. To access that trial, find Hidden Brain on Apple Podcasts and click the “Try Free” button. Or go to apple.co/hiddenbrain. 

And there are still tickets available for our upcoming live shows! We'll be in Baltimore on October 11, Washington, D.C. on October 12, and Los Angeles on November 22. More info and tickets are at hiddenbrain.org/tour.

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It's not easy for most of us to receive negative feedback. Even when the person delivering that feedback is constructive and reasonable, we often feel the urge to defend ourselves. This week, we look at the psychology of defensiveness with neuroscientist Emily Falk. We'll explore what causes so many of us to resist constructive criticism, and how we can get better at giving and receiving such feedback. Then, in the latest installment of our ongoing series "Your Questions Answered," psychologist Ciara Greene returns to the show to answer your questions about memory and forgetfulness.

If you have follow-up questions or thoughts for Emily Falk after listening to today’s conversation, and you’d be willing to share with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “mental barriers.” Thanks! 

Our next stops on the Hidden Brain tour are coming up! Join us in Baltimore on October 11, Washington, D.C. on October 12, or Los Angeles on November 22. And stay tuned for more cities to be added for 2026. For more info and tickets, go to https://hiddenbrain.org/tour. 

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Many of us have been raised to believe that if we want to get something done, we just need to set our minds to it. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? Yet somehow we end up polishing off that pint of ice cream in the freezer, or spending more than our budget allows. It's almost as if we're not the ones in charge. This week, we talk with psychologist and neuroscientist Emily Falk about why our minds often conspire against our best interests, and how we can regain control. 

Do you have follow-up questions or thoughts for Emily Falk after listening to today’s conversation? If you’d be willing to share with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “mental barriers.” Thanks!

And if you love Hidden Brain, please consider joining our podcast subscription, Hidden Brain+. We're currently offering an extended 30-day free trial for all listeners who subscribe on Apple Podcasts during the month of September. To sign up, click the "Subscribe" or "Try Free" button in Apple Podcasts, or go to apple.co/hiddenbrain. Your subscription helps to fund the research, writing, and sound design that go into every episode of the show. We appreciate your support! 

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Perfectionism is everyone’s favorite flaw. It’s easy to assume that our push to be perfect is what leads to academic, athletic, and professional success. But how do we distinguish between high standards and unrealistic expectations? This week, we bring you a favorite conversation with psychologist Thomas Curran. He says perfectionism has a dark side, and that there are much healthier ways to strive for excellence. Then, we bring you the latest edition of our segment "Your Questions Answered." Sociologist Allison Pugh returns to the show to respond to listener questions about connective labor — the work of seeing another person, and having that person feel seen.

The Hidden Brain tour continues this fall! Join us in Baltimore on October 11, Washington, D.C. on October 12, or Los Angeles on November 22. More info and tickets at hiddenbrain.org/tour.

Episode image by Dadi Prayoga for Unsplash.com. 

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When tragedy strikes, it’s natural to be devastated. But psychologist George Bonanno finds that many of us recover from life’s blows more quickly than we might expect. This week, we talk with Bonanno about his research and why it has changed how many scientists think about trauma and resilience.

Do you have follow-up questions or comments after listening to this episode? If you’d be willing to share your thoughts with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “trauma.” Thanks! 

Episode illustration by Ahmed Hossam on Unsplash

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