"Party Over Here" star Alison Rich teaches us how to prevent jealousy, how to deal with nipple hair, how to get noticed by Andy Samberg, how to watch "The Bachelor," how to play Scrooge as a little girl, how to write for SNL, how to show off your teeth on Tinder, how to deal with other people's success, how to try out for the Harvard Lampoon, and how to find a boyfriend online. Plus we play a game of "Swipe Out," where we decide who's worth swiping right for. Would you sleep with the Lorax? Drucker would.

Comedian Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) teaches us how to keep in touch with your friends, how to talk to porn stars, how to use Amazon Prime to strengthen relationships, how to learn joke-writing through poetry, how to enjoy life because it's ultimately meaningless, how to take the perfect knife selfie, how to be a cat gentleman, how to work in a chandelier store, and most importantly, how to make your mailman laugh. Then we play a game of "Can't Keep In Touch With This." How would you avoid talking to your worst high school teacher at the supermarket? Hint: Be weird.

"Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" and "Difficult People" writer Emily Altman teaches us how to parlare Italiano, how to find a job in another country, how to deal with hard water, how to find Waldo (The Hidden Man), how to turn an old lady into a puppet, how to sit in your shit, and most importantly, how to properly order food at an Italian restaurant. Then we play a game of Fottere-Sposare-Uccidere (F-Marry-Kill) with famous Italians. Turns out we want to do all three to Wario!

College Humor writer and performer Siobhan Thompson teaches us how to be an actual archaeologist in England, how to speak in any British accent, how to sadly steal Tabasco sauce from Chipotle, how to work in casting, how to hate Piers Morgan, how to find the creepy guy in an improv class, how to nap without ruining your makeup, how to know the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, and of course, how to find Richard III's bones. Then we play a game of "Real Indiana Jones." Was Shakespeare a hipster? I hopeth not.

Actor and comedian Griffin Newman (The Tick, Vinyl, Fort Tilden) teaches us how to play the video game Disney Infinity, how to be an out-of-shape superhero, how to grow up in New York City, how to start standup as a child, how to get cut from a M. Night Shyamalan movie, how to survive without a driver's license, how to ruin The Fantastic Four, how to appreciate The Phantom Menace, and how to collect toys as an adult. Plus we play a game of "Serious Acting," where Dweck gets to live her dream of working at the DMV.

Film and TV critic Simon Abrams teaches us how to review a

In this special mini-sode, Mike and Jess beg for money from their listeners— that's YOU! If you'd like to help "How To Be a Person" stay afloat, go to www.patreon.com/howtobeaperson and give us some cheddar. Literally any amount helps. No presh. If you donate, Jess will stop mentioning New Jersey. (Maybe.)

"Late Night with Seth Meyers" and Funny or Die writer Mike Scollins teaches us how to throw things away, how to not smell bad, how to be a guest writer on SNL, how to ask John Stamos how he lost his virginity, how to make an audience sad, how to make space in a tiny NYC apartment, and how to keep the objects that give you joy. Then we play a game of "Toss or No Toss" where we find out whether to throw out a relative's ashes or a fridge full of beer. Sorry, grandma.

Twitter star Jonny Sun (@JonnySun) teaches us how to rhyme, how to have a dozen careers, how to develop a Twitter persona, how to rap, how to balance creativity and practicality, how to use Twitter to deal with depression, how to embrace weirdness, how to write a parody musical, how to be a pen nerd, and how to write internal rhymes like a grouper locket. Then we play a game of "How To Win at Life," where Jonny tells us how to succeed at any career. Get ready for "Bee Hospital," coming this fall to NBC!