How to Glow: The Jewish Woman's Marriage Boost

Many of you have listened to and adopted Zero Based Scheduling (from Episode 2: Why You Don't Have Enough Time and Episode 6: Zero Based Scheduling Update). But now, thanks to work-from-homes, school closures and, for some of you, kids at home (gasp!) that beautiful zero-based schedule has gone right out the window.

Never fear!

Zero-Based scheduling can be done on the fly. And it's still awesome. Planning out your day the night before (and I give you the main tips on how to do this successfully) will transform the following day.

PS

If you and hubs are about ready to kill each other in lockdown, go NOW and check out the free video at firstyearmarried.com and give yourself a mental breather! 

We are celebrating a holiday in the Jewish world... one that isn't quite as famous as Yom Kippur or Passover... today is Purim!

What happens on Purim? Among many other things, like donating money to charity, hearing the story of Purim read in synagogue, dressing up and bringing gifts to friends… men drink. Sometimes women drink, too, but generally it’s the men. And with that often comes behaviors that make us uncomfortable, nervous, critical...

And this can make some women really uncomfortable. But guess what, it’s not Purim’s fault, because we have similar situations coming in from non Jewish listeners, too!

"He doesn’t know how to be around my family."

"He blew it at work."

"He’s so embarrassing when he fights with my friends."

There are two pieces to this that we have to get clear on. 

1. Identification -- we have  a primal instinct to want to be accepted into the team or the tribe. Once you know that, you can start to settle that very anxious part of your brain that thinks this is all going to kill you.

2. Judgement -- wait, me? No way! Yep, call it like it is, my friend. Start to notice when you're in judgement. Be honest with yourself, so that you can start to learn when and how to move out of judgement.

Check out the podcast for the how-to on working through these two issues.

Happy Purim for those celebrating!

This week I’m answering a listener question and I think it’s a topic that will be so fun to dive into. Let me start by reading what she wrote:

Could you discuss “the importance of self-esteem: how both poor and healthy self-esteem can influence our relationships, and how to strengthen it. I realise that this is absolutely a backbone of all your material, but maybe it's worth revisiting a basic.”

Self-esteem is definitely a hot topic, and it’s one of those things that we talk about so much that we actually can lose touch with SPECIFICALLY what it means.

So let’s start by defining our terms.

Miriam-Webster defines self-esteem as: “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : SELF-RESPECT”

So essentially, self-esteem is nothing but the thoughts we have about ourselves.

But that’s not how we talk about self-esteem. The way we talk about self-esteem, if someone didn’t have a clue what it was, it sounds more like a physical condition you have or don’t have. She doesn’t have self-esteem. That will hurt her self-esteem.

And since we discuss self-esteem in this way so consistently, we start to act like it’s a physical thing we can control and grow and hurt and effect.

Not a series of thoughts.

We all have the thoughts we go back to the most. The way our brain is wired, the more we think a thought the easier and more automatic it becomes to think it --or sometimes a specific major event will just give us one really deeply embedded thought right away.

And the reason I want to break it down for you is this:

If I think I need to work on my self-esteem, or I think I don’t have good self-esteem, those are also thoughts. And neither one is terribly empowering.

So I want to offer to you that self-esteem isn’t really a thing. It’s not. You can’t touch it or measure it. No two people will exactly agree on it. It’s totally subjective. Can you see that?

And when you don’t have a thing called “self-esteem” that is causing you to act a certain way or that you need to work on or that he has a problem with (I’ve coached on all of those, multiple times), what are you left with?

What you’re left with is a question: why did I act that way?

And it always comes back to a thought.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know how to be married.

I’m no good at this.

The commuter train you always took before you hop on without even noticing.

The train that goes downtown to the dangerous neighborhood you let fly by.

And you can just sit in the station and watch them all go by.

I’m more interested in the person you can be than how accurately you’ve described all your shortcomings.

I still have negative thoughts about myself. But I just don’t spend so much time there unless I feel I need to do some major soul searching. Which sometimes I do. And I make changes.

So the most motivating thing, I think, is to remember: how do I want to show up?

How do you want to show up in your marriage?

Are you willing to skip some of your comfortable, recognizable trains to get there?

Are you able to focus on HIM and what you’re BUILDING and not on you?

Stop riding those trains. Let them get old and rusty.

Get clear on where you want to go. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to get there.

To take this work deeper and learn the critical research that will help you understand and support your husband and your marriage better, check out the First Year Married course at www.firstyearmarried.com. Join in March and be part of our March challenge!

In this week's episode, inspired by my husband's recent business trip, I lead you through an exercise to re-evaluate your self-care.

Many women drop their self-care (especially the most basic things, like sleeping and eating) when we get married or get into a long-term relationship.

These are all areas that we generally took responsibility for (even if we were lagging, we certainly weren't blaming our roommates or siblings because we didn't remember to eat breakfast!). And it's more than physical self care, too; it's also about the variety of relationships we fostered and needed. We need someone for advice but we don't expect that person to also give us a laugh or an exciting time out and also to provide our romantic needs and be a listening, supportive ear at the end of the day... etc., etc., 

And yet when we get married, we often expect our marriage relationship to provide what ALL those individual relationships provided. Which is an unhealthy and unfair expectation.

I thought I'd mastered this, but then when my husband told me he was going to be going on a business trip, I immediately realized there were a few things I needed to do if I wasn't going to have him to fall back on. Wait a second--why am I PLANNING to fall back on him in the first place? Why not taking care of myself in the first place??

So here are three ways to reevaluate your self-care regimen.

1. Imagine your husband is going to be going away for a week. What are the three things you'd for sure need to do to make sure your physical needs are taken care of? (Even if you usually do these things but they are now moving up to "nonnegotiable"--listen to the episode for my example about showers.)

2. What things would you "get" to do with some time and energy freed up that you may be holding in reserve for your husband? Did you imagine a coffee date with a friend or a paint night? How can you schedule that in now?

3. Imagine your husband is away -- what would you miss? What would be sad about that? And then you can take those things and celebrate all these wonderful elements he provides for your marriage! We always need to encourage our minds to be more positive and notice the positive, because they aren't naturally inclined to do so. What are three little things you'd be sad about if he was away?

Interested in learning more? The first lesson in the First Year Married Online Course is available for free at www.firstyearmarried.com

Enjoy!

My business coach Stacey Boehman was giving this analogy about entrepreneurs and their new businesses and even though I’ve heard her say it before suddenly it totally clicked that this is such a fantastic perspective shift for newlyweds as well!

Ok so here’s the analogy:

Your business is a baby.

Your marriage isn’t here to make you happy.

(Sorry!)

Just like if you had a brand new baby or a brand new business, you wouldn’t expect it to perform for you.

Your marriage just happened! There’s nothing there yet.

John Gottman, who is a leading marriage researcher, describes the idea as an emotional bank account.

5 to 1 positive to negative--that's the ratio we need to maintain, according to his research, for a healthy relationship.

But the other part of the emotional bank account is that it takes time to build up a balance.

I remember getting my first ATM card.

And who knows what I put on it, maybe $40?

At that point, getting something for $20 would be a huge deal. That’s half my account! 

Also, maybe I didn’t know how much and how often I’d be making money, so that’s also a concern. How am I supposed to take money out of an account if I have no idea when more is coming?

It's exactly like this for a newlywed.

So this week I want you to remember this--it’s ok if you aren’t getting the dividends on your marriage yet. That comes later. And it really does, I’m telling you at 10 years married I’m literally happier every passing year. But that comes with this attitude of investment. And the great news is it doesn’t have to be major dramatic romantic actions! In fact, John Gottman specifically says so in his research -- it’s better to have lots of small “turning toward” actions than a few large romantic gestures.

Also, I think it’s really critical whenever I give you concepts like this, or you learn them elsewhere, that you be onto yourself. You’re going to want to relate it to HIM. Is he making romantic gestures? Is he turning towards?

Back in your lane, sweetheart. (That's how I say it to myself.)

You can only change yourself, but you are fifty percent of this relationship. Do you think you can improve who you are and not improve your marriage? I don’t think it’s possible.

Go take care of your baby :) 

Sources and links mentioned in this episode:

Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School

Stacey Boehman - Business Mindset 

John Gottman: The Emotional Bank Account

The First Year Married Elite Coaching Program

The First Year Married Online Self-Study

The First Year Married FREE Class

For many newlyweds, they are feeling a lot of shame about negative emotions about their marriage.

It's important to know that there is a known physiological high that comes at the beginning of a relationship.

For many women, there is also the wedding high.

And just like ANYTHING new you begin, there’s a back-to-reality moment.

I want you to know that that’s totally fine.

Being a newlywed is, on an emotional level, like slow cooker vs instapot…… all the emotions are intensified.

Here are some emotions I think you can totally feel sometimes in a perfectly healthy marriage:

Annoyed.

Enchanted.

Frustrated.

Resentful.

Curious.

Insecure -- in him and in you.

It’s all fine. It’s all invited here.

Where you want to be careful is getting too attached to your story that’s creating the thought.

You can feel all the feels. But you also don’t have to get attached to the story that led to them.

Was he maybe the wrong guy? Is he inconsiderate? Is he not driven enough? Does he not care enough about your religious values?

Notice those thoughts and know that they’re okay, too.

The amazing thing that happens is that when we’re scared to think these thoughts, is that we fixate on them. They terrify us. 

I recently got coached on this. One of my kids did something very dangerous and I was reeling for a month afterwards. I kept having this thought, I can’t keep them safe. But I didn’t want to think that thought, it made me feel sick it was so scary, so I tried to push it away. Guess what happened? I had that thought approximately twenty billion times a day. All my mental energy was in this back and forth energy of thinking/pushing away/coming back… it was exhausting, and I was just getting more and more anxious.

It wasn’t until my coach had me get really curious about that thought, to notice it and accept it and even see where it’s true and where it’s not as true and notice what the thought was creating that I was able to move on from the anxiety.

You can feel all the feels, without constantly regenerating them by fixating on the thoughts.

You can be cranky sometimes.

If you want more support to take this further, I just opened a few more spots for one on one coaching. I take you through the full FYM process with private, one on one coaching, you get lifetime access to the full online course, you learn all the material AND how to apply it in your unique situation. To apply, go to firstyearmarried.com and click “personal coaching” up top.

Have an amazing week.

We're talking this week about the three main parts of staying in our lane:

Emotionally, Physically, and in How You Show Up.

Instead of feeling good because of what he’s been doing or not doing and what you made that mean, let’s feel good because you are taking care of your own emotional wellbeing.

For some of you, especially if you’re new (and there are so many new people so welcome!!) I know that it sounds like a cop out. Like I’m letting him off the hook.

But here’s the crazy truth.

He doesn’t have the ability to make you happy anyway.

Only you can do that.

So the best place to start is that whenever we notice our mind wandering, or our feelings reacting, to the way he’s acting or who he seems to be, to gently remind ourselves to get back into our own lanes.

He missed date night, because he stayed late at work.

Your automatic thought is LIKELY to be, “if he really cared, he wouldn’t miss date night.”

Guess how many women out there would be thrilled for their husband to want to work that hard? I’ve got one group telling me they can’t be happy because their husband doesn’t work hard, and the other half telling me they can’t be happy because their husband works too hard.

Like I said, he can’t make you happy.

There isn’t a happy medium.

There’s only what you make it mean.

What is too much work, anyway? Is there an amount of hours somewhere that we all mutually agreed upon? Where did you come up with the idea of what’s too much, what’s not enough?

That’s the kind of work we want to do, questioning our thoughts, figuring out where they came from and where they are leading us.

How do I take care of ME in this marriage?

We need a whole episode on this phenomenon I’m seeing where women lose the self-preservation gene the moment they tie the knot.

Suddenly he’s responsible for your water intake and whether you’re overworked.

For sure, even more so once you’ve had kids!

But is that how you would have acted if you were single? Waited around for some guy to bring you a water bottle and remind you to hydrate? No of course not!

We want to feel like a good wife.

We have to dig a little deeper to know what that means.

What did you decide is a good wife?

What things are just sticking with you and giving you guilt or shame, but you don’t even believe them?

Who are you measuring yourself against?

Then get crystal clear on what ideas are rattling around in our heads and THEN you can do the work of clarifying what values you truly believe.

Bring those values, bring that woman into the marriage, and just see what that creates.

It’s going to be an amazing month

If you want to join us to take this work further, this is our entire focus in the month of January, in our Focus video and workbook and live group coaching calls.

Group coaching is only available to grads of first year married online, to allow us all to take this work much deeper. Join us by signing up for First Year Married Online -- the foundational course  that ALL newlyweds (and I’m talking easily through 5years married but we’ve had women married MUCH longer) should absolutely be taking -- and you get your first three months of group coaching totally free! www.firstyearmarried.com I can’t wait to see you inside. Have a great week! Buh bye!

This week I'm taking your questions about sharing your FEELINGS with your husband!

Question #1: HOW do I share my feelings with my husband, and how do I create a relationship where we can do that?

Answer: First of all, STOP and be absolutely sure that you aren't sharing your feelings in an effort to change him! We always want to be responsible for our OWN feelings, so you must stop and do some thought work and figure this out. Sharing your feelings so that he'll change is, essentially, manipulation, which of course none of us want to do. (If you need support on the thought work piece, go to www.firstyearmarried.com and watch video #1 of my course!)

Question #2: How do you separate frustrations in a conversation and say it in a way that your spouse can understand the REASONS for your frustration?

Answer: If your frustration is with him, you want to start by taking care of your own emotional well-being (see above). 

"As long as he's responsible for how you're feeling, you're really limited."

Beyond that, sometimes we need to actually plan out a conversation with our husband. Let's say your life is set up in a way that you're not getting enough sleep. First, work on the resentment piece. Then you can come to the conversation with openness and belief that the two of you can find a solution.

To hear my interviews with Alison Armstrong where we talked about our husbands' problem-solving abilities, go here.

Question #3: What do I do about a husband who can't access his own feelings and frustration?

Answer: Focus on your lane. His feelings and thoughts are HIS lane, not yours. So question how YOU want to show up in this situation. What's your story about how he's acting? Why is it a problem? Actually get this down on paper.

Question #4: If something bothers you about how your spouse deals with disciplining the kids, how do you communicate that?

Answer: Women often have more experience with kids coming into a marriage, so we often see ourselves as the authority. So first of all, go back to the business partner model. Is it possible this highly respected partner might have another good idea? Possibly even a better idea? Could I maybe be wrong about this? He's different from you by design.

Question #5: I always hear about your feelings are not your thoughts and the other way around, but how do we work on internalizing this?

Answer: There's a difference between processing a feeling and just thinking a thought over and over. This is described clearly in Episode 58, "When You Can't Get Over It."

Question #6: I'd love to get help with first identifying the feelings--like, what am I even feeling right now?

Answer: It's just a vocabulary problem. You can literally Google "list of feelings" or "synonyms for sad." It is helpful, but don't worry about not being there yet.

I was working with a client and she was stuck on the idea of being authentic with our feelings while at the same time taking responsibility for them and choosing what I call “helpful thoughts.”

So this week we're going to talk about the difference between processing our feelings and holding onto our feelings.

The easiest way is to think of it as sensations vs words. Thoughts are words (sentences, usually), and feelings are physical sensations. We read the tight shoulders and clenched stomach as anxiety or anger. Focus on what the body is experiencing.

We’re told to process our emotions, not to ignore how we feel, to honor our feelings, but we need to get really clear on what that means.

Going in thought circles... ruminating on that one horrible thing or that offensive thing she/he said... that's not feeling your feelings. That's just having a thought and getting really attached to it being true and having that thought over and over until you can't see your way out of it.

This week I'm teaching you how to process a feeling.

The deeper question I think is really, when is it a feeling and when is it intuition? If I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, does that mean I can’t ever use them to help guide me? How do I know the difference?

Your intuitive sense is not urgent. It is calm and clear. It doesn’t speak to you in rules like “he shouldn’t” or accusations like, “how dare he” or desperate questions like “how can I possibly not be hurt or be happy like this?” Trust that when you quiet the screaming, loud, urgent emotions, that inner voice will certainly come up for you.

Welcome to the episode where I bonk you on the head my friends!

So many of you are rocking the intellectual game with this thought work. 

You see it in your friends and family.

You know your recurring thoughts.

You are even seeing some changes in how you show up.

But you have NOT taken out a pen and paper and actually done the heavy lifting!

I get it... until you've done it, it doesn't seem that important. 

Trust me on this one.

So this week I'm going to walk you through what exactly you can do to take this work deeper. What exactly to do with said pen and paper.

Can't wait to see what comes next for you.

For more help with this, watch the free class at www.firstyearmarried.com