We live in a paradoxical era where despite the sexual revolution, people are having less sex. Misconceptions about desire lie at the heart of this paradox. Desire is often thought of as a “sparky” force that strikes people spontaneously, such as when they catch a glimpse of someone attractive.

But that’s only one kind of desire, as sex educator Emily Nagoski told Big Think. Another type is responsive desire, which is what you feel as a reaction to sexual stimuli, like touch, physical closeness, or sexual contact.

Building a strong relationship requires fostering desire in some form, and being willing to communicate with your partner about how to best make that happen. Those conversations might be awkward at first, but, as these Big Think experts explain, they can be immensely rewarding.

0:00 What’s wrong with sex?

0:31 Erotic desire vs. Intimacy

1:40 Marriage does not have to kill sex

2:49 Strong sexual connection: Why some people have it

5:00 What ruins sexual connection?

5:56 More sex vs. Better sex

6:29 The #1 reason couples seek sex therapy

8:19 How often, how hard, how long, how many?

9:08 Talking to your partner about sex

--------------------------------------------------------------------

About Ester Perel:

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author who is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a private therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered nearly 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon translated into 24 languages. Her newest book is New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (HarperCollins). Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular Audible original podcast Where Should We Begin?

About Emily Nagoski:

Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestselling Come As You Are and The Come As You Are Workbook, and coauthor, with her sister, Amelia, of New York Times bestseller Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She earned an M.S. In counseling and a Ph.D. In health behavior, both from Indiana University, with clinical and research training at the Kinsey Institute. Now she combines sex education and stress education to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. She lives in Massachusetts with two dogs, a cat, and a cartoonist.

About Shmuley Boteach:

Shmuley Boteach is an American Orthodox rabbi, radio and television host, and author. He rose to prominence with the publication of his international bestseller Kosher Sex. He received his rabbinic ordination in 1988 from the Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidic movement in New York City, as a disciple of its leader, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson. He frequently appears as a guest on television and radio discussing politics, religion, society and morality. He also now hosts a reality television program entitled Shalom in the Home which involves facilitating conflicts between family members. He has authored many books since Kosher Sex, the latest of which is The Broken American Male

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------