How to Survive

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It's episode 209... and I was just entering, and I was nervous and excited, and I saw you. My hero...

The Perfection (2019) tells the story of Charlotte, who has returned to the world of top-tier cello playing after a ten year absence. Charlotte had been caring for her mother who has now died, and appears to seek revenge on Lizzie, the cellist who replaced her as the favourite student of the cello academy owners.

We advise everyone to always take the opportunity to take a trip around rural china; to start off small rather than going straight for dismemberment; and organising talent competitions so that you can hear all competitors.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If I move, I'll shit.

Next week, we're not back on Elm Street, but the nightmare continues anyway: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991).

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It's episode 208... this meeting of the Losers Club has officially begun.

It: Chapter 2 (2019) tells the story of the kids from the first movie. 27 years have passed and they've grown up, and they've forgotten about the events of the first film! But when they return to Derry, they're soon reminded and take on Pennywise again with renewed vigour.

We advise on the dangers of playing with your food; the merits of moving away from your home town; and not standing around admiring the pass.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You should cut that fucking mullet. It's been, like, thirty years, man.

Next week, it's time for some 'Netflix and cello' with The Perfection (2019)

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It's episode 208...it's started. You better brace yourself.

The Wailing (2016) tells the story of Jong-goo, a police chief investigating a series of grisly murders in rural Korea. The murders are apparently linked to a mysterious disease afflicting the local population, and some believe the cause to be a strange Japanese man who has moved to the area. It's one of the most captivating films we've covered in some time.

We talk sins, shame, shamans and charlatans, wonder how to spot the Devil and whether you should take him on one-on-one, discuss bodily fluids and genre fluidity, and ask the burning question at the heart of The Wailing - what exactly is going on?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Not everything that moves, breathes, and talks is alive.

Next week, it's time we head back to Derry in the year's biggest horror film: It: Chapter 2 (2019)

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It's episode 207...I'm gonna start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds, and you're gonna swallow a lot of blood for a fucking billfold!

The Grey (2011) sees Liam Neeson walking the tundra, cosh in hand, looking for the first wolf bastard he can get his hands on. You see, his friend was the victim of a plane crash, and she dealt with it in the most extraordinary way, but his immediate reaction was...did she know who it was? No. What colour were they? She said it was a wolf.

It's a packed show as we ask if the film is the victim of the most misguided marketing campaign ever, the importance of looking before leaping, give advice on the best time for a big scrap with a wolfpack, hear from a pilot as to the realism of the film's plane crash and a listener sends in some much-needed weeing advice.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I gotta a book! It's called "We're all fucked"! It's a best seller.

Next week, it's another listener suggestion with The Wailing (2016), available on Netflix in the UK.

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It's episode 205...and I couldn't do anything. I tried to go back. She was already gone. She was already gone.

28 Weeks Later (2007) (or 196 Days Later (732555) if you're a traditionalist) is the follow-up to Danny Boyle's seminal London-set apocalyptic horror. But with Danny absent can the sequel live up to the first film's weighty reputation?

We discuss a post-pandemic city that's gone to the (Isle of) Dogs, debate Don's desperate decision-making, deride terrible guard detailing and comb through perhaps the worst possible route from Regent's Park to Wembley Stadium in any situation.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is the worst combat I've ever seen. Where's the combat?

Next week, Liam's out to find the first wolf bastard he can get his hands on in Joe Carnahan's The Grey (2011)

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It's episode 204...and it has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life and committing acts of murder.

Night of the Living Dead (1968) is one of the all-time classics of horror cinema, and sets out much of what we now know and love about the zombie genre - an apocalypse without apparent cause, a not-so-safe place to hole up, ordinary folk in extraordinary circumstances and the nightmareish horde of the undead.

We take a big old bite out of a Romero classic, talk hysterical women, racist men, the importance of making your presence known and why, in the 1960s Southern United States that might not be such a good idea after all...

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They're dead. They're all messed up.

Next week, we're back in London for a bite to eat: 28 Weeks Later (2007)

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It's episode 203...and please stop calling me 'Father'

Signs (2002) tells the story of Graham Hess, a former pastor who lost his faith when his wife was killed in a tragic accident. Now Graham looks after his children and runs a small farm with his brother. All is fine, until crop circles appear - followed by several other symptoms of an alien invasion.

We talk about swinging away without needing to be prompted; the benefits of hazmat suits when exploring an alien territory; and the merits of staying in the ship when there's no clear reason to get out of it.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They have women's high-jumping in the Olympics. They've got these Scandinavian women who could jump clean over me.

Next week, we're stumbling around looking for brains: zombie season kicks off with Night of the Living Dead (1968).

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It's episode 202...and look at my face; I was not thinking anything bad about you.

The Sixth Sense (1999) tells the story of this person named Malcolm. He worked with children. He loved it. He loved it more than anything else. And then one night, he found out that he made a mistake with one of them. He couldn't help that one. And he can't stop thinking about it, he can't forget. Ever since then, things have been different. He's not the same person that he used to be. And his wife doesn't like the person that he's become. They barely speak anymore, they're like strangers. And then one day Malcolm meets this wonderful little boy, a really cool little boy. Reminds him a lot of the other one. And Malcolm decides to try and help this new boy. 'Cause he feels that if he can help this new boy, it would be like helping that other one too.

We talk about the most famous twist in cinema history; hand out some top helmet safety tips; and weigh in with some advice for a team of medical practitioners.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: De profundis clamo ad te, domine. Out of the depths, I cry to you, O lord.

Next week, 'Good M. Night' season continues apace with Signs (2002).

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It's episode 201...and don't forget about all of the beautiful Swedish women you'll meet in June.

Midsommar (2019) tells the story of Dani, who suffers a family tragedy and throws herself into a trip to a Swedish midsummer festival in an attempt to work through her grief. She's joining her boyfriend Christian and his friends, but is this quaint paradise all it seems, and what do the mysterious Harga cult have in store for the group?

Things get heated as we chew through Ari Aster's Hereditary follow-up, let the bear of cultural relativism out of its cage and debate the merits of cliff/hammer-related rituals. Is Midsommar just The Wicker Man for woke millennials, or is there more to its pulsating, undulating, hallucinatory visuals than meets the pulsating, undulating, hallucinating eye.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: this opens you up to the influence, and it breaks down your defenses. Trust me. Alright? You will love it.

Next week, we begin 'Good Shyamalan' season with his classic The Sixth Sense (1999)

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How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 200...and don't ask me to take a Jacuzzi with that guy again.

A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989) sees Alice and Dan (how could you forget them?) getting their lives back on track and graduating high school. All seems well until Alice begins being plagued with strange dreams and, before you know it, her friends are dropping dead in their sleep - often with bloody results.

We talk about one of the more interesting NOES sequels so far, revel in a real cinematic A-ha moment, question whether there's a better way to run an asylum and look back on the past 199 episodes with Chris' Anniversary Quiz.

Oh, and there's one or two life-changing announcements along the way too.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if anybody's trying to hurt you, supernatural or not, they're going to have to go through us first.

Next week, it's the feel-good film of the summer - Ari Aster's Midsommar (2019).

Get in touch! [email protected]

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod