How to Survive

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As ever, thank you for all your support - we'll stop doing it when you stop laughing.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

The bad news is this week is a re-broadcast.

The good news is it's Cannibal Holocaust. I suppose that's actually bad news too on balance, but that's life. Can't win them all.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) tells the story of Harold Monroe, a sociologist sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find out what happened to a missing documentary crew. Cannibal Holocaust is honestly a terrible film. Don't bother watching it. I'm not even sure why we watched it. I think someone asked us to cover it once in an email or a tweet but I can't remember. In many ways I can't remember anything before I watched Cannibal Holocaust, but I can remember feeling happiness and joy and a lust for life in general that is now sadly absent from my hollow shell of an existence.

Cannibal Holocaust has, in a very real sense, sapped the lifeforce from me in a manner that I'm not sure will ever be reversed. Maybe I wouldn't even want it to be reversed. Maybe this feeling of cosmic emptiness is a kind of punishment for watching it. If it is then I welcome it. I am forever scarred. I am forever a lesser person for having seen Cannibal Holocaust.

Don't watch it - it's not worth it. Just listen to the podcast instead.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Things like this happen all the time in the jungle; it's survival of the fittest!

It's episode 199...and they cut off his bowling fingers...

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010) tells the story of Tucker and Dale, two country-folk and close friends who head into the woods to fix up Tucker's new country retreat. Unfortunately, they are mistaken for psychopathic murderers by a group of college students who are camping near-by, and hilarity ensues.

We talk about the basics of putting up a load-bearing pillar; the benefits of avoiding being 'generally clumsy'; and the absolute essential nature of entering bodies of water at the waterline.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: when you see a college girl prancing around half naked, you do not call out my name!

Next week, Freddy's back in Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989).

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It's episode 198...and there's a girl in the garden.

Shaun of the Dead (2004) tells the story of down-on-his-luck Shaun. Dumped by his girlfriend Liz, stuck in a dead-end job and nursing a testy relationship with his step-father - he's desperate to turn his life around. Can he Go Round Mum's, Get Liz Back, and Sort (his) Life Out? Oh, and, there's a zombie apocalypse happening all around him.

We talk about the place that does all the fish, mull over the lack of options for smokers in public places in the modern world, chew over the best practice for bite wounds and share stories of misbehaving children being chased around gardens by adults wielding bits of wood.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the front door is open...AGAIN.

Next week, Comedy Horror season continues with Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)

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It's episode 195...and I'll never leave you alone again.

Dark Water (2002) tells the story of Yoshimi, a lady going through a messy divorce and custody battle for her daughter Ikuko. Their new apartment is far from ideal: there's a leaking ceiling, a surly building attendant, and there may or may not be the vengeful spirit of a dead child to deal with.

J-Horror Season continues and concludes with this unsung star of the horror genre. We talk about the benefits of living like a prepper; we compare other 'sad horror' movies; and discuss why wraith-like girls drenched in water keep cropping up in movies.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: There's a wet spot on my ceiling, and water dripping down from it.

Next week, it's Comedy Horror season with Shaun of the Dead (2004)

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It's episode 195...and thank you for the effort.

Ju-on: The Grudge (2002) tells the story of a brutal murder, a deadly curse and a house so haunted it stays with you wherever you go. We follow many different visitors to the deadly Saeki house - can any of them solve the mystery and - more importantly - will any of them survive?

We kick off J-Horror season with somewhat of an ugly duckling, but an influential and creative ugly duckling nonetheless. We discuss Onryō, ask whether J-Horror is often scarier than Western horror, and delve into Japanese folklore for the one foolproof way of dealing with vengeful ghosts (don't forget your swords and your prayer books).

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Those who encounter it die, and a new curse is born.

Next week, J-Horror season continues with Hideo Nakata's Dark Water (2002)

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It's episode 194... Jesus, Paul you did a number on my back...

Cabin Fever (2002) tells the story of a group of horror movie teenagers who go to a cabin in the woods to 'party'. Unfortunately, there's an outbreak of a deadly skin eating virus, and the group are soon fighting to survive against the disease, some hillbillies, and each other.

We talk about the importance of a robust personal sexual health system; we give advice to the world's least-travelled hermit; and we discuss the fundamentals of ad-hoc quarantine procedure.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

And the answer? That guy asked for our help and we lit him on fire!

Next week, we're saying konichiwa to Ju-On: The Grude (2002).

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It's episode 1... and things are finally as they should be!

Chris has been sacked and now Joe hosts the podcast all by himself, and everyone agrees it is much better now. It's goodbye to bad rubbish, as Joe gets to run the show how he wants.

The reviews are more insightful; the jokes are much funnier; and The One True King finally gets to speak his mind.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: No animals were harmed in the making of this podcast!

There's even a secret easter egg for fans of Jurassic Park (1993).

We may or may not return to our regular schedule next week with Cabin Fever (2002).

Get in touch! [email protected]

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It's episode 193...and that's not a knife... this is a knife!

Wolf Creek (2005) tells the story of Ben, Kristy and Liz; three friends who are travelling around the Australian outback visiting tourist sites. When their car breaks down, they are assisted by Mick, a local hermit who may or may not turn out to be a lunatic who tortures and kills people. You'll just have to watch it to find out.

We talk about the importance of striking out clear boundaries in a negotiation; the cost/benefit of closing the distance when using a ranged weapon; and the importance of bludgeoning a wounded enemy.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

And the answer? Well, I can tell you, but then... I'll have to kill you...

Next week, we're keeping it early 00's grungey horror with Eli Roth's Cabin Fever (2002).

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It's episode 192...and my friend, you suffer from the misplaced optimism of the doomed

Snowpiercer (2013) tells the story of Curtis and the passengers above the Snowpiercer, a super-train filled with the sole survivors of an accidental man-made ice age. Forced to live as an underclass, Curtis and his peers stage a violent rebellion and begin to fight their way up the train to take control.

We talk about which train guards should carry the guns; the importance of telling your daughter the truth to prevent her becoming a drug addict; and the inherent nuisance of walking through a nightclub whenever you need to be fitted for a new suit.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You've seen what people do without leadership. They devour one another.

Next week, we're down under for Wolf Creek (2005).

Get in touch! [email protected]

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod